Becoming she.

I cross my eyes and the brown wooden slats of the deck railing double. As they become two I can see through them. I can see the lake glistening behind each one. What seems solid now has this magical transparency and I imagine reaching my hand into them like when you slip your skin into water and you somehow are part of that water.

.......

The glass jar with coconut sugar is sitting next to the coffee jar. I eye it. Both my parents drink their coffee sweet. When my girlfriends stay with me one of my joys is fixing them coffee and serving it to them in bed or wherever they have cozied up for the morning. They like it sweet. I don't know how much sugar to add so I always sip it before bringing it to them. It feels like dessert in a cup. I don't drink sweet coffee. It is one of the rules that I forgot I had made, that is so deep inside of me.

I grab the jar and stir in a spoonful of this gorgeous brown sparkling powder. I sip. Add more. Stir. Sip.

The sweet coffee in one hand, my computer in the other. My ankle still aching from a sprain a few weeks ago won't allow me to sit cross legged, even though that is how I have always written. Cross legged. With my coffee with no sweet.

I tuck one leg underneath myself and look out at the water. I sip. It feels strange and my body is confused. I go inside and pour a second mug. This time without the sweetness. Only the familiar.

Sip. That one doesn't taste like the comfort I have remembered. It hasn't in weeks. As though something changed inside of me and the she who drank her coffee this way isn't inside me anymore.

.......

I went through my closet and pulled out my kimono collection. I fell in love with kimonos a couple years ago and started collecting them but never wore them. I told myself I was collecting them for retreat photo shoots or beach cover ups or...

The way the sleeves drape and the fabric folds feels strange on my skin. It is new. It is different. I take the kimono I have been staring at for weeks off. I try a different one. The only way to move through new feelings as a highly sensitive person is to let yourself be in them for a bit longer than you think you are able to.

I feel beautiful draped in their fabric. I feel hungry for feeling beautiful again. I feel. I feel. Oh boy, do I feel.

.......

Neither coffee feels right. The sweet one I keep coming back to, allowing myself to be inside of the change, the 'rule breaking' just a bit longer than I am comfortable with.

I adore coffee. It has been my warmth and desire for how I wake up since as long as I can remember. When I was pregnant was the only other time it didn't taste right. Because this being inside of me needed something different and I was in charge of listening and growing that little seed into a beautiful human.

Now it seems I am growing myself. The she who is on her way. Already here and asking me to be inside of her just a bit longer than I am comfortable with because that is the only way I can learn to integrate the newness.

She wants to wear her kimonos. She wants to do crazy things with her hair. She wants to eat toast and put sweet in her coffee even though, especially because, it is against the rules. She wants to break from patterns and behaviors that have her questioning who she is and her worth and value. She wants to be able to sit down and have a beautiful conversation inside of truth without falling apart or acting like a child. She wants to believe that she can slide her hand through the transparent wooden slats as she crosses her eyes but not her legs and that when she reaches through to the other side of whatever is beyond, she wants to believe that she will be held and safe and loved just as the water holds her body when she is able to trust. She wants to learn to put her face under that water and hold her breath and swim to her newest edges. 
.......

I sip each one again. Then put on water for green tea. The space between the two, the was and the becoming needs room to breath. My job is to love them both up. Release the discomfort I have been allowing myself to sit in for longer than I am comfortable so that I may feel comfort again.

The toast pops up and the mayo starts to almost melt into its warmth as the runny egg and soft slice of cheese top it. Toast. And tea. A kimono sweater. A hand reaching through transparent double slots to the magic beyond them, where only seconds ago stood solid bars claiming space.

I want to tell you the truth.

There is a row of birch trees lining one part of the lake that we like to play around and take pictures at magic hour. All four kids (the teenage fifth often does not join us) sing and dance on the thin little strip of road that now joins the island to land. This one spot feels like freedom to me.

And I am afraid of losing all of it. I am afraid of losing the family we are growing. I am afraid of the judgment being thrown in my direction because I am so different than anything that part of his life was accustomed to. I am afraid of our conflict and struggles, holding on to old old patterns that we are unable to break on our own.

.......

My seven year old is being bullied at school because of his shoes. They aren't up to standard it seems. I took him shopping for new shoes, before knowing this, but suspecting. He wanted shoes that tied so I guessed he was being picked on for the velcro. After trying on every pair in the store thoughtfully and with laps down the aisle to test them out, he settled on a pair.

He kept smelling them for the new shoe smell. He couldn't stop touching them and talking about them. He wore them to school and was bullied worse. He was punched in the feet and kids stepped on his shoes all day, making them dirty and hurting his heart.

And I am afraid I can't protect him. Make it better. I am afraid that I am the mama bear who loses her cub. I am afraid that this is just the beginning of something that will become much worse.

.......

In less than two months I will be moving out of The Loft. My furniture will go in storage and I will stay at the magic lake with the kids for the summer while they have their camp adventures. When August starts to wind down I am trusting that my next home will be known. I have an entire huge vision board all about home and space and 'the tale of a house.' I have some crazy new dreams around what will come next.

And I am afraid that I won't be able to manifest it. I am afraid of dreaming bigger, again. I am afraid that how I want to feel inside of this new life will be blocked by my fear of not deserving. I am afraid of not being able to provide for my children as a single parent.

.......

The truth is that I manifested the most amazing human being to come into my life to challenge me to work on healing parts of myself that have been crying out for years. And I believe I am here to challenge him around his. The truth is, this kind of intense love and intense history of fear and loss is hard shit to be inside of.

The truth is I want nothing more than to love him and care for him and become so much more beautiful and truthful and vulnerable inside of that love.

And the truth is that my little one's story of bullying is not mine. This is his journey and he is learning to make choices and understand his feelings and I can provide him with the tools and the support and be a mama bear in all the right places around this.

The truth is watching the innocence fade because you can never go back hurts my heart. Because I remember it. This is him walking into his next iteration. As I stand as close as he will let, while he leads. And I trust his steps.

And the truth is that home is my container of safety and beauty and where I work. I am a lover of my space, the textures, the pillows, the arrangement of beauty on the walls and the dishes stacked just so. It is where I love and nurture and host and play and create.

The truth is manifesting this space is part of the freedom that I have claimed. And I am really good at manifesting. Like, really good. The truth is, I will find this home and it will become part of the joy and ease and surrender.

And the truth is that I am exhausted. Deep in my bones, down to my toes and in my elbows and dreams, exhausted. The truth is I can't do this all alone. The truth is I don't want to. The truth is I am ready to now peel away the next layer of my fear, by standing in it. Telling the truth of the fear. And the truth of the truth on the other side of the fear.

I can feel the other side. It is pulsing below my feet.

.......

And we walk down to the birch trees. I root down into the magic. The fear. The truth that must be told so the future will be born of the dreams of love and trust and home. I am afraid. While I trust each step under my feet.

Raining Tears

I was excavating into my past worlds, past self.

I found things I had forgotten. Memories. Times faded and only brought forth through the recordings that hold them.

She wrote, five years ago...

FIRST THERE IS THE DREAM. THEN THE FEAR.

DREAMING ABOUT -- WE SEE THE LOVE WE COULD HAVE, THE PLACES OUR FEARS COULD TAKE US.

DOING, FEELING, ACTING -- WE SHOW OURSELVES THE AMOUNT OF LOVE WE CAN HOLD. FOR OURSELVES.

ARE WE ALLOWED TO LOVE OURSELVES THIS MUCH THAT WE UN-BURRY EACH FEAR, UNWRAP THEM LIKE LITTLE PRESENTS?

FEAR OF OWNING OUR BEAUTY.

FEAR OF NOT BEING ABLE TO FEEL LOVE FOR ANOTHER SO DEEPLY THAT WE CAN REALLY LISTEN TO THEM. AND ALLOW THEM TO GROW AND BLOSSOM.

FEAR OF SUCCEEDING, FEAR OF BEING AMAZING. FEAR OF KNOWING JOY IN ITS SIMPLICITY.

FEAR OF BEING TRAPPED AWAY FROM ACTUALLY.

CAN WE LOVE OURSELVES THAT DEEPLY? AND IF SO, WHAT THEN?

THE DREAMS CONTINUE. AND THEY ARE SO MUCH MORE BEAUTIFUL.

She was the one who taught me to dream. She was the one who brought me to this place of so much change and light and chaos.

And now I am raining tears. I am radiating energy. 

I am choosing to remember the woman who was so brave, so brave I can barely believe she exists inside of me.

The losses from the past want to creep in and do the talking. But she wants me to see the dreams. Feel the dreams. Retrace them. Play dot-to-dot and connect to the ones that are about to come.

She was the one who taught me to understand joy. To teach it. To find words for it.

.......

I've been trying to go back into my old home, excavate the past from the basement and the attic and the walls and the shelves. So much of me still resides in a life that is no longer mine but holds so much of me.

I have to do the work slowly. I get so overcome by emotion that I feel lost for days, weeks. It is a shedding and remembering and moving through all at once.

It is raining tears that are growing the sprouts of my becoming.

When the dog got sick last week, he lost about 15 pounds in 2 weeks. We got scared. He has become a burden for my ex and quite lost to me as I no longer live with him. My 10 year old says that he and the dog were separated at birth and then found each other again. (The dog is half his age.)

I sat at the vet for hours on a gorgeous Sunday afternoon. I waited for blood work. Every time the vet would talk to me I would tear up and my voice would catch with the emotion I was trying to force down into my throat. Into my heart. Into somewhere that could help me hold it.

I felt like I was a part of him again. Of the family I had left, that included the dog and the man I co-parent with. I am at a loss for how to be in relationship with this man now. How do we talk? What do we share? Should we be spending time together with the kids? Who are we to each other now. The sadness and hurt in his eyes when I am with him, push me away because I feel the guilt. Still now. More now. That I left.

.......

I made him turkey and sweet potatoes at the house and fed him and snuggled with him. He made the noise he used to make when he was so happy and in love and sleepy.

He didn't throw up, kept it down. Progress. 

Then back to the vet in the morning. I bring the kids to school so he can bring the dog in. We text about how he is doing. 

Five years ago I would have been crying into his shoulder. Now our communication is a life time of together inside of the few words in texts and brief encounters.

Because I don't know yet who we are. 

She brought me to where I am with no trail of how to move forward. I need to own how much still frightens me about all of this. I need to listen to him more and watch him grow into his new life. I need to ask him how I can be more supportive. I need to ask him who we are becoming. Because I don't know on my own.

.......

There is this intense longing to reconnect with so many from so long ago who were part of the chaos of burning it all down. My world got smaller and smaller as I opened the door of separation. The boundaries and the bubbles around myself tighter and tighter so that I could take one more step into unknown.

I could not hold all the people who I loved. I had to trust that they would understand and let me walk through the messiness of my life, let me crash and burn and ache and fall.

Trust that they would let me have the feelings I had to feel. 

FIRST THERE IS THE DREAM. THEN THE FEAR.

Raining tears. Radiating energy. Calling forth. Cycling from the dreams into the fear and then back again.

I want to walk with my eyes back open. I want to figure out how to do this all differently. I want to not be afraid of saying, "I'm hurting. This isn't working. What can we do differently?"

I want to ask for what I need. I want to snuggle the dog and hear the noise he makes for me.

The intense change I am craving is going to create some crazy-making for a while. The highly sensitive parts of myself are smart enough to know that. The fears will follow.

FEAR OF BEING TRAPPED AWAY FROM ACTUALLY.

CAN WE LOVE OURSELVES THAT DEEPLY? AND IF SO, WHAT THEN?

THE DREAMS CONTINUE. AND THEY ARE SO MUCH MORE BEAUTIFUL.

Once I was 17

I remember the first time I lived inside of questioning my body. When I was 8 years old or so. I was taking a ballet class and I wore a t-shirt over my leotard. I was the only girl who did this. I wanted to cover my belly. Since a child I have had this lower belly bulge. It has made me question my body and my beauty my whole life.

Isn't that amazing? That one spot on our entire gorgeous selves can make us question everything? Worth. Value. Love. Beauty. Desire. Longing.

As we got closer to the recital the teacher came up to me and said that for the final rehearsals I would have to take off the shirt. All I can describe that feeling as, is fear. Deep, fear.

Of being judged. 

.......

In high school I flipped that fear into full blown rebellion. I was a vegetarian-peace loving-outspoken actor who would protest wars and wear black and listen to The Smiths. In an army school. I took my fears and my shyness and my sensitivities and let them lead my next iteration. Living in Europe was comfort to my feeling different as I never once felt weird in my time off the base or outside of the army school.

I decided if I was going to be judged, then why not do it up. I loved the feeling of being different. I was 16 and free.

.......

I returned from Europe at 17, started school in New Hampshire. I wore leggings every day with clogs and big wool socks (to serve as leg warmers, at this time finding leg warmers was not easy) and a scarf that I wrapped around my head to hold my hair back every day.

Patrick, my kids dad, said the first time he saw me, he had never seen someone like me. And he knew that I was different, which is what drew me to him.

Once when I was 17, I never questioned myself.

.......

My friend Chelsae and I were looking at photos and videos of me when my third little one was 2 years old, I was 36, and we were talking about how different I was. I had been trying to become the perfect mother and wife and health coach. I cut all my hair off. I straightened it instead of wearing it in the waves and braids and messiness that I had when I was 17.

I was playing a role. Trying on something new. Iterating again.

Chels is an artist and much younger than me. She started giggling and said, "Isn't that funny that we met and loved each other then? Because that you was so not who I am drawn to."

I was playing a character. I had iterated back into the fear of being judged. I longed to fit in. To blend. To take a break from being the one who stood out. Who was different. 

Who was judged. Because being different is a set up for judgment.

I needed a break. As I often do. I have iterated back and forth my entire life. Changing to please others or to please myself.

.......

At 36, I started to grow my hair out and I pierced my nose. Something I had longed for since I was 17 years old.

At 37, my first tattoo.

At 38, a soft separation from husband.

At 39, an epic scavenger hunt around Providence to celebrate who I was becoming.

At 40, a new home, a new start. 

At 41, I find myself once again questioning everything about who I am.

My choices. My body. My lifestyle. 

I am afraid that I bring more negativity and stress to my new love's life than I bring him joy. I am afraid that I have gained too much weight from the stress of this last year to be seen as beautiful. (Circling back to the belly.) I am afraid that I can't sustain supporting my children on a business that I am creating each day. I am afraid that I am more alone now, in the midst of so many that I am trying to love up and nurture and hold. I am afraid that I am going to lose all my hair. I am afraid that those who judge me will make me question everything about who I am. 

Like the little girl who was terrified to take off her t-shirt.

And be judged.

.......

Once when I was 7 years old, I was fearless. I didn't know that I might look different or be different or ever be judged.

Once when I was 17 years old, I felt a freedom in my belly, in my center, and I longed to be loved, held, taken care of, told I was beautiful.

Once when I was 41 years old, I was afraid. I had so much unknown before me, and all I could, can do, is pray. 

Once when I was another age, in another time, she will know what I didn't know. I will have iterated over and over. I will have learned in my past from my future self. And my future self will love up the one that was.

.......

The t-shirt goes on. Then off. In fear. Fearless. Judgement. Shining.

I am the wing that you can see, bold and bright, and the one that is the shadow. That is yet to become. That is becoming.

Once I was 17 years old. I felt beautiful. And all I wanted was to be loved. To have someone to love.

Once I was 17 years old with the desires that have all manifested.

And so I must begin again. Iterate. Question. 

I fear my body. I fear the future. I fear the choices I am making. I fear that I am not beautiful or able to bring or be loved.

In this fear of judgement, I begin again. At 41. And once and still and now, I learn to be free and feel the joy that knowing who you are will bring.

.......

Once I was 7 years old and I wanted him to find me. To find him. To have all of our babies. To grow plants and play house. To find my house. To love them up. To be adored. To spend the rest of my life taking care of him as he takes care of me.

To watch our children grow into 7 and 17 and 36 and 38 and 41.

While we sit, holding hands, remembering when we were 7 years old. 

I am questioning everything. The only feeling I can describe it as, is fear.

Once I was 41 years old. And everything before me was unknown. And filled with more joy than I ever thought possible.

Why women should fear circles of women.

When I was in 3rd grade I was on the edges of a circle of girls who were friends. I was always a bit 'different' and fitting into a group was never my strong suit. I was highly sensitive and wanted adoration from my teachers over all else. I always had a crush on a boy, and would shyly adore him from afar. My young life I always had one close friend at a time, often who would move in and out over the years depending on if we were in class together or not, or who our other friends were at the time.

I remember one fall day we went outside, I think to research leaves on trees or something, and we could bring blankets and towels out to sit on while we worked. When we came back in the girls who I had been sitting with, who I thought were accepting me into their friendship circle, shook out their blanket on the floor and brown dry leaves got everywhere.

The teacher became angry and asked who had done it. One of the girls said it was me. And then they all agreed. 

And then the girl who never got into trouble, was in trouble. My sensitive heart was beating so fast and I started to feel tears in my eyes. I wanted to disappear, to go somewhere that would save me from the feelings, the hurt.

They laughed. They put me on the outside. I don't believe to this day any of them would have done that if it hadn't been the collective strength of them as a group.

From then on my story with friendships with groups of girls mimicked that moment. I would trust, then become bullied and made fun of. I wasn't adept at sports so the ridicule continued well into junior high and high school. I couldn't speak up for myself or defend my emotions and so I would run and hide, usually deeper into myself.

.......

But I craved these circles. I needed them. I could find ways to nurture them and hold them and guide them. And then the mean girls would surface and blow it all apart. Repeat.

I wasn't the picture of perfection. I would get mean too. I would get hurt and say things that I wished I could take back. This crazy fight or flight would come up inside of me, and usually I would do both.

.......

My mom tells the story of me as a young child sitting on the porch with some of the neighborhood kids. I came inside and starting getting a bowl of ice. When she asked what I was doing I told her that everyone was fighting so I wanted to give them something else to do with their mouths to distract them.

And it worked. Maybe the first prompt I ever gave. Ice meditation.

.......

My eating disorder started in High School. I realized that if I restricted my food intake my body started looking more like what women believed they should look like. I loved the control I had over my weight.

I had a friend who I would silently compete over losing weight with. We would go on the same diets, compare our numbers on the scale. She was so gorgeous and I kept trying to look more like her. If I lost weight she would notice every time and point it out. I could feel myself being 'weighed' every time we were together.

I still believe that the skinnier I am, the more people will like me, want me. I know better, I truly do. I also know how many times I am sitting with a group of women who look amazing, who are gorgeous, and I listen to them talk about what is wrong with them. What diet they are on. How they restrict themselves. How they torture themselves with the scale. And as I sit and listen, I go right back into the questioning of what is wrong with me, of why I have put on the same 10 pounds over and over.

Because when they talk to themselves that way, they are talking to me. If I talk that way, I am talking to every other woman listening.

.......

I should fear circles of women. You should fear circles of women. And we do.

.......

What I have learned about fear is how powerful it can be to keep us away from something or to pull us towards it and wrap us inside so we can explore from the shadows just what we desire and what to become.

My fear of circles of women created over the last 6 years thousands of women circling together, riding the edges of their fears of sharing in fullness, of the vulnerability in their truths, of being seen.

My fear of circles of women created communities where we have learned that truth and trust and listening without judgment (or being honest about our judgement so we may learn from it) have become places to be lifted and lift.

My fear of circles of women created what has for me become home. Home in the safety of other women holding space, telling others how beautiful and kind and brave they are.

My fear of circles of women created the kind of change we search for in self help books and gyms and diet programs and therapy and addiction. Change that isn't found in any of those things because they are all about what is wrong and broken. 

My fear of circles of women created change that I bear witness to when a man writes me an email thanking me for what has happened inside of his relationship with his wife since she found these circles. When a young woman writes to me and tells me that what I teach has changed the way she breathes. When a woman whose bleed has stopped and she didn't know who she was anymore until she circled, tells me that she has found her two female soulmates in the world and herself again inside the circle. And when someone tells me laughing loudly that I could have saved them thousands of dollars in therapy bills if they had found these circles sooner. 

.......

So, am I afraid of circles of women?

Yes. Yep. I am terrified every time we start again. And that fear is the breath of everything that is God, whispering in my ear to trust myself, and begin again.

I pray a lot before a new circle. I pray that it may become healing, trust, faith, joy and love. I pray that I will have the downloads to guide and prompt with the same intuition I did as that child on the porch discovering the ice meditation. I pray that my work will continue to provide the space and freedom and gift to love and take care of my beloved and our kids. (The other part of my work in this world.)

.......

Something feels different to me as this new circle of women has started gathering. I have yet to put words to it, but I can feel it.

I felt it when I for the first time in weeks felt like doing the things around my Loft that needed tending to. Moving things to change the energy, dusting, shifting, sorting, purging.

I felt it when I went to the market and bought nappa cabbage and mushrooms and zucchini and spaghetti squash and lemon to make something that would lift my body from the numbness of winter.

I felt it when my love kissed me, deeply, and reminded me of one of my beautiful dreams that I discovered in one of the circles... deep kisses. 

I am ready to dream inside of this new circle. To be afraid together. To create magic, which is our knowing and connection to our stardust.

I am ready.

Dreams that aren't ready.

"Mom, is there like a New Moon or something?"

Eli (my 10 year old) was filled with energy and spunk. He wasn't able to settle down.

"Yes, tomorrow, the most amazing New Moon of the year, the start of the astrological New Year. You can feel it huh?"

He started piling pillows up and throwing his body on top of them.

"Yep. I feel happy and alive and I don't think I can sleep tonight. That's how I always know it is a New Moon."

He is also the one who tells us stories of turning into a werwolf every Full Moon and going on adventures.

Infinite wisdom. 

.......

We got out all the cardboard I had been saving. Magazines. Lucas (the 7 year old) got us all glue sticks and scissors. They know I make one every year on the Aries New Moon, but it isn't something that they have ever really asked about. Vision boards are part of their life and their visual experience in our home. I have traditionally hung the Aries Moon Board in the kitchen. The space where I spend the most time.

This year the board is all about space. A familiar mantra and desire.

I have spent months talking myself out of the dreams that I hold. First feeling the disappointment that they weren't going to come when I hoped.

Then, realizing my dreams were deeply connected to another. And this is when things get sticky.

Inside of all the feelings I ended up in California sitting in circle with a group of women magically loving our lives inside of a New Moon circle. 

And I was reminded of something.

How powerful my dreams become when I focus on what I want with no other stories in the way. When I manifest the hell out of my life by seeing where I am going and then feeling it. Feeling it every day.

When I commune with the Universe and we talk vibration and I am clear and grounded and allowing my intuition to fill me up; this is when it becomes.

.......

I am returning to my knowing. To how I got to where I sit now. Instead of worrying about anyone else, I am thinking about me. Knowing what I want after I ask myself and she connects to a future part of herself for the download.

If I am connected to my dreams, I can love deeper, harder, stronger.

I know how and who I want to love. I know that I am ready for a new home. I know that the kitchen is the most important room in the home for me. I know that I am in love with my mothering and my loving. I know that nurturing is my jam. I know that new space is about to be a part of my life.

I know that I was terrified of the dreams that aren't ready. I didn't know what to hold onto until I remembered that dreams don't die. They simply change form. And when we hold them inside of pure faith and focus not on what isn't but on what will be everything changes.

.......

He told me on our year anniversary that the most surprising thing about me for him was how I mother. Not just my kids or his kids. But him. And women. And everyone. He said that I am like mother earth.

And it is that woman who is dreaming tonight. It is that woman, connected to the earth through how she mothers, that is going to manifest her new life. Because she is powerful in ways the future only knows, and sends signs that this is all so right.

All through the house with a golden aura around her. 
The art of our love is my business. 
Gently down, every so often. 
Simply make it bigger. So, farmhouse made with love. 
Tale of a house. 
I had made a very personal decision. 
Let it rain. 
In the sunset kitchen. 
Chapter 3. Romance. 
Into one revolutionary jar. 
In one week. Dreams. 
I was in love, she explained.

.......

I am in love with my dreams that aren't ready. They are gorgeous and glowing and vibrating inside of me. They are layered. And the timing isn't mine, but the faith behind them and the nurture to make them true are.

The surprises inside of the images and the words will be my magic this year. I can't wait to see what is going to unfold.

I will lay my dreams gently down, every so often, and remember what I knew.

How powerful we are when we know, really know, what we want. And then stay open to the half of the calling forth that isn't ours, that belongs to the vibration that is our feeling inside the dreams.

No, I do not sell windows. {And the mortal to the story}

My kids do their best talking in the mini van. I learn all their stories and they do 'fun' things like quiz each other in Spanish and math. (Honestly, not sure how they are my offspring.)

Some mornings it is dinosaur puns. Mixed with World War One stories and reenactments with dramatic scenes.

They fight over what station to listen to. My teenager gets really teenage. 

The other day on the way to school Eli says, "Hey, I have a good idea. Let's have a silent ride. (insert dramatic pause) Or. I could tell stories. So..."

The teenager and I scream for the quiet ride. He starts telling stories. So then she tells a story. Which makes the 7 year old who gets left out of everything want to tell a story.

He starts his and I think I start to tune out to their chatter. I do my best thinking in the mini van.

Then I hear Lucas scream, "Guys, I am not done. I am not done. Wait. The mortal to the story is imaginate."

Now story time ends with each of them saying, "The mortal to the story is..."

.......

My lover and I both have first graders named Lucas. They have each claimed a new name when they are together which truly has helped keep track of them much easier.

Bobby and Evan were playing Simon Says in the mini van on the ride home. It was getting a bit chaotic, as 4 kids in a mini van can become.

Bobby says, "Evan, pause. I need a pause so I can process this in my head."

Pause. Process. Download. Integrate. 

Rinse and Repeat.

.......

I am sitting in the mini van waiting for the littles to get out of school. I go into my usual loop. 

Instagram. 
Facebook. 
Email.

I see an email from Hannah's Harvest. My first business name from 7 years ago. I sent myself an email? From back in time?

My head and heart had a moment of confusion and a bit of panic. Seems someone bought my old URL and the feed burner is still attached to my email. Never occurred to me that this could happen.

I am unable to get into feed burner to fix it. So I read my email. Apparently my Harvest is all about windows. Kinda boring. Not sure who Hannah is or how she has so much to say about windows.

Clearly, I love windows. My loft. My entire building floor to ceiling windows along brick walls.

I wonder how I could make it more interesting, seeing as how I am sending out these emails to everyone who had ever read my old blog.

My mind still racing, feeling a bit annoyed that I have to add this to the 'deal with' pile of lists.

I decide to release it. Kick myself for letting the URL go un-renewed. Move on.

Messages float in telling me about the window emails. I want a cup of tea with a side of a nap.

.......

The brake pads seem to be going, again, in the mini van. I remember the day I bought that car, the 2003 van of my dreams, 6 years ago. I had two car seats and a booster and an enormous dalmatian all inside a Volvo station wagon (my favorite car ever). I never thought I would drive anything other than a Volvo but my family was growing and buckling those seat belts was becoming impossible.

We didn't have the money but we found a way. All of a sudden I could breathe. I had space. The thing I craved most.

I love driving and feeling like I am up high. The van is where I process. Download. It is where I pause.

My first videos for my programs were made in the mini van while Lucas slept. I would go through the Starbucks drive-thru. Park. Connect to their wifi and work as he napped. I propped up my computer on the steering wheel and turned on my webcam and would chatter away.

Now my growing family, all 7 of us and a hamster and 2 giant stuffed bears all fit inside this van.

My gratitude for it runs deep. Memories of all the flat tires, almost running out of gas, driving gold fish buckled into the passenger seat, the grass seed that spilled all over the front seats and I swear started growing and the coffee stains everywhere. (Fertilizer?)

This last year has tested me in ways I didn't see coming. Now as finances are tight I am praying it will hold me for one more year while I recover from the financial hits of divorce. I am asking it to take me through my next transition as I move into a new space. 

A new home. All the downloads. The stories. The laughter. The puns.

So many mortals.

Imaginate. 
Pause. Process. 
Release. Love. 
Feel the gratitude.

And. I don't sell windows. If you are getting emails from Hannah's Harvest, go ahead and unsubscribe.

Please, stop reading my words.

My ex-husband's mom sent me an email letting me know that I would always be considered part of their family, a daughter to them.

I had been wanting to reach out to them. Patrick and I both unsure how to navigate the loss of the other's family in so many ways.

I was for the first time nervous about what I was posting. What I was sharing. Patrick and I agreed when we separated that we would stop following each other on social media so we didn't feel 'watched.' (Well, truth is, he would stop following me, because I use social media for my business, and my business is so much a part of the truth telling of my life.)

My compassion and sensitivity to what others in his life would see made it hard for me to post, to share. And yet, if I stopped sharing, the person I was, the person who guides women to be their authentic self would be squashed. He didn't want that. And neither did I.

I am not sure what his family sees. I am not sure what he sees. We are open with each other about the new people in our lives and he adores my business and is one of the biggest supporters of it.

But. And. It is all weird right now. Strange. Changing. Sensitive. New. Raw.

And I am so proud of us. And sometimes really fucking sad and hurt. I think about how we have walked this confusing and unchartered path with our three kids together. We don't do it well all the time. We have baggage. And we struggle.

One of the most common things that the women I coach are afraid of is who is reading their words and seeing their photos. They are in a paralyzed place often of not being able to be seen or show up as themselves because of this fear of being judged.

I get it. How do you write things that are about you without other people judging you?

Here is what I know now.

You don't.

Recently I went through hell inside of my online life touching those I love. The judgement fierce and swift and threatening to destroy the love and life I have built.

It knocked me over. It knocked my love over.

I tell my kids all the time that my online life is not theirs to view or read. Not now. When they are older, yes, of course. And they ask why. And I tell them. I explain the work I do. I explain that there are things that are sent out for adults that are not for kids. Like a rated R movie. They are not to follow me on Instagram or read my blog. At some point, they will. And I will be ready to talk about anything that comes up.

They secretly think I am a pretty cool mom. They each have a different understanding of what I do, of my work. And I love that. I love how they self monitor and ask and how I have chosen to raise them.

I love my life now.

When people who don't know me. 
Who have never met me. 
Who have decided to question who I am or who I am for my love or for my kids.

When people who don't know me decide to judge me based on the hurt they wish to spread to those I love because they believe they know best. 
Who have never met me. 
Who have never taken time to ask me questions or reach out and explore with me what I do, what I bring to the world.

When people who don't know me, decide that I am less than. 
Who have never met me. 
Who have decided that I am target practice to hurt those I love.

When people who do know me, who decide I am less than. 
Who do know me and decide to judge me. 
Who have decided that I am not who they want me to be.

When those people show up to my online home I will politely ask them, in my online space, to stop reading my words.

I do not write for them. I do not show up for them. If they were the people I was focused on I would not have been a part of the change inside of the lives of hundreds of women. Thousands now. But hundreds is less scary to think about.

So now I understand why the women I work with are scared. Because it is fucking scary. To be judged.

Based on my words. My tattoos. My body. My love. My compassion. My adoration of being inside of a woman's body. My desire to lift up other women. My realness, my flaws, my humanity.

And yet. It is my words. My tattoos. My body. My love. My compassion. My adoration of being inside of a woman's body. My desire to lift up other women. My realness, my flaws, my humanity.

It is all those things who make me who I am. And why I love this life now. Why I love who I am and what I have created.

The last few months have felt like the Universe as I know it collapsing down around me. Burn it down. Sit in the ashes.

The place that has always felt safe to me was my online home. Because it is me. All of me. My heart. My soul. My dharma.

So now it is all burning down. I get to choose.

I choose to be more. 
I choose to ask those who judge me to hurt others to stop reading my words. (Or, ask me out for tea or coffee and ask me what I do and why and I think we might actually get somewhere.)

These words aren't for the people who are out hurting me and those I love. They won't hear them or use them.

This post is for the women who are terrified. Of being who they are. Of being seen. Of showing up.

This post is for the women who I love and have yet to meet. Or sit in physical or virtual space with.

This post is for the women who are changing the world because they have decided to be brave. Tell the truth. To be seen.

What I have discovered over the past year is a compassion I have never known before. The compassion is for me. For my kids. For my ex. For my lover. For the women who adore me and the women who judge me. For my best friends. For all those who judge me, who have yet to sit with me and ask me why, or what, or anything they want to know.

I was angry. Then hurt. Then sad. And then I was back to my spirit. Which is love.

Love is all I want to embody.

So, please, please, stop reading my words. Unless those words fill you with faith and joy bubbles and inspiration and sameness.

Please, stop reading my words.

Falling back in love... with magic.

"It is like magic making mothering."

One of my wishes last year was to be the most amazing mom I could be, meaning less anger and exhaustion and more fun and loving moments. I could see her. She used to be part of me. She is fun and spontaneous and she includes her kids in all the parts of her life, including her business dinners.

I wanted to fall back in love with my mothering.

The 7am wake up became dance party time. I would sing and dance and coax their eyes open with high vibration music (Katy Perry, ahem). They would groan and bury their faces under the pillows. My youngest would start to move his body, dancing half asleep laying in bed. That kid can't not dance.

They seemed to be annoyed with me. I changed my tactic. The alarm. I got up, made coffee. Then I would call from upstairs to them that it was time to wake up.

The other day my middle son says, "Mom, I don't really like the shout out from the kitchen to wake up. Remember the dance party and you being all annoying and loud? Can we do that again?"

Yes. I am in love again. It is like magic making mothering.

.......

"Do you realize that you have created the most amazing life for yourself? Do you realize really what you have done?"

This last year spent in the reality of divorce, single parenting, surviving (supporting us) on my own and for the first time living alone without a partner or parent was exhausting. There is no other word for it.

And now I am the happiest and joy-filled and often the most miserable and scared I have ever been.

Yes. The two together. Like dance partners moving from song to song, changing speed and breath and rhythm over and over. Steady. Wild. Vulnerable.

So, I do realize I created the most amazing life. I manifest the shit out of life. But right now I feel so far removed. All I want to do is write and love and I am scared.

Yes, I realize what I have done. I am so proud. So filled with faith. And burning everything down. Tearing down all that I built.

Tearing it down is the most terrifying move you can make. We do it so we can fall in love. Again.

I need to fall in love in the ashes. With my work. My teaching. My writing. My words. My home. My body. My prayer.

My return to the soul-work and ritual found inside of past words written for me now. So I may shape-shift into teachings that are for the future.

I read the words from another. The gift. The beckoning to fall back in love. To once again cast out the invitation to sit in circle together as we tear down so we can lift up, lift up.

"Hannah walks her talk, follows the path so that it is illuminated for the souls she guides. She has her finger on the pulse of the universe, and embodies the sacred feminine."

I am understanding I don't need the answers. I just have to keep plugging in the twinkle lights and sitting under the stars while my body rains tears as it radiates energy and feels its connection to the stardust that is our bond.

"For maybe the first time, I feel worthy of having love and abundance in my life. Believing this, deep down in my soul, has changed everything. I’m so grateful to you, Hannah, for guiding me to my own light."

This is why I am falling back in love. The magic of women believing. Circling.

Because this works. Magic Making works. It leads us to our own light. And every time I fall out of love, it is waiting for me to return.

One blessing or prompt or adventure or word at a time. 
.......

This circle is creating sacred space, alignment of relationship, cleansing spirit and body (some of my favorite recipes/methods will be included), trust and faith, ritual, the unknown, expansion and contraction, parts of self, our yeses, fears that help us fly, rest inside of change, our becomings, soul dreaming, magic slips, magic jars, guiding words and spirits, inspired adventuring, spaces between, spirit guides, magical mothering/loving/businessing,

Each week will start with a Sunday blessing and then move into a prompt and video for the week. Every other week we will circle on the phone for some lifting up in real time.

We will start with one exhale where we let ourselves fully empty of breath.

The exhale will be the release of fears, anxiety, struggles. We will look at the different parts of who we are and how we are showing up. Boundaries. Expectations. Truth and lies.

That space between where we start to feel the life force that is our breath is where we will lift, dream, connect, spark and say oh, yes. This is where we will learn a new way to breathe spirit and magic and sensuality into our lives.

We will do the work of expansion and then pull it all together and inside of us to integrate and process with a deep, slow inhale.

Our breath which is our life force will no longer be the same inside of our magic making.

We begin April 3rd.

balance.

.......

She sent me my horoscope from Aquarius Nation's Instagram feed.

"Okay so with this time right now you are feeling very driven to move towards creating a nourishing foundation that can provide an anchor in your life so that you can put more focus into your relationships AND with giving more of yourself to the world. So this is about cleaning up all the imbalances on the foundation so that you are not always thinking about what is OUT of balance."

I accuse her every month of writing these horoscopes, "You can no longer pretend this isn't you writing them."

.......

Days before we are at a New Moon Temple Circle in California and I pull the balance card.

Hours before he texts me, "Babe, I just rode around the reservoir. I stopped to meditate with the sunset. I need more balance in my life."

.......

Divorce can woo you into a false sense of freedom. Especially divorce times two. Cigarettes on the deck late at night. Too many drinks in the name of de-stressing. Your body becomes exhausted. You try to combat the emotions that want to swallow you up with everything you can think of to numb. You lose yourself for a while.

This is all normal.

And the balance, even if you have waxed poetic on not believing in balance, is lost. You have no anchor of vitality. You go from soaking and sprouting your almonds to forgetting to eat meals and grabbing a handful of potato chips to keep running.

.......

In the New Moon Circle we created anchor archetypes. (You see why I think she writes my horoscope?)

I found storyteller-alchemist-servant-preist. Yes, this.

.......

We go for a walk down the boulevard, holding hands, feeling a summer day in March. I tell him more about my time in CA. He listens, beautifully. Allows me to download.

He tells me that he could feel my shift from across the country. He knew it had happened. We feel each other. It is as though something has happened inside of us. I can feel his ecstasy, his fear, his joy as if my own.

He was able to feel the green juice I sipped in his cells.

We were craving balance at the same time. He meditated on the water as I was meditating in circle. He called in balance and I drew the card. Our card.

Twin flames that have spent the last year in the push and pull of our connection.

"Remember that time at the lake house that we broke up?"

"Which one? The one where you left in the middle of the night or the one around the fire pit or the one at 3am?"

Yep.

"The entire purpose of the twin flame experience is to challenge one another and wake each other up to be the best possible version of ourselves—but not everyone is ready to be awakened.

Not everyone is ready to dive to the depths of their soul, to see what lurks there—and sometimes, no matter how our hearts feel, in the end, it is sometimes easier to run away.

The major theme to a twin flame connection is that no matter how many times we part ways—we always seem to find our way back to one another.

Time becomes irrelevant—because souls don’t understand the concept of months or years—we only understand the feeling of powerful eye contact and of the incredible soul shaking energy when our chakra points line up with another.

And it’s because of these intense physical responses, that everything else just drops away when two twin flames come into contact with one another." (Elephant Journal)

.......

This last year I have struggled to find the balance of wanting to give every bit of my soul and nurture to him and our children (I crave taking care of them) while still maintaining two businesses. One business that was iterating beyond my ability to catch it and the other that is growing so slowly and beautifully, I am catching my breath in awe of what it is becoming as we almost seem to be watching and listening to what it wants from us.

I remember a few months ago how much business and marketing light me up. I create a new program. I am starting to fall in love with my work again.

There are clear downloads of how I am shape-shifting into new areas. The money/sex connection. The ending of a soul contract inside of marriage. The newness of the most intense love. A growing family. My crazy passion for self led businesses of the heart.

.......

"And right now you are VERY aware of what is out of balance and no longer nourishing and supportive. You are aware of what is not having you feeling comfortable. And at this time you will work to MOVE towards breaking up some of those blocks. And honestly my love, this is all about you communicating with others, or being clear about what you need, or asking that adjustments be made. You are actually looking for ways to compromise. You are about bringing something forward so that they HAVE the opportunity to come together and know compromise. "

.......

We stay up until 1am making secret message cards for the circle in our hotel room.

She was.
In one week.
Persuasion of ease.
Of spirit.
It's not just a place.

Future selves beckoning us forward.

I am only just learning that I can ask for what I need and those needs might very well get met. And heard. Held.

"And you are being asked to be SOFT and speak CLEARLY, while at the same time expecting corrections to occur. Expect everyone to oblige to whatever you need when you finally ask for it. Face the imbalance with the knowing in your heart that you CAN balance it back out. Try that."

.......

I return to the East Coast and everything feels new, different. It is calmer than I am comfortable with. I don't feel the push or pull. I am clear. Grounded. Loving being in my skin again.

The first thing I do is soak my almonds in filtered water with pink himalayan sea salt. I watch over the next day as they start to sprout and I change their water.

I make him ginger-turmeric tea for his cold. I rub his feet with flower essences. I drink a glass of organic wine, and each sip becomes a meditation. Slow. Thoughtful. Gorgeous.

I dream of the someday Farmhouse, the place (that is so much more than just a place) with the disco ball hanging in the barn and kissing each of their foreheads every night before bed. I pray under the New Moon. I am so relaxed I don't recognize myself.

My heart is bursting with trust.

She was.
In one week.
Persuasion of ease.
Of spirit.
It's not just a place.

Secret messages becoming story. And I am a story teller. I snuggle into a sheepskin and I can feel him. I know now what the push and pull was for both of us. I finally understand it.

.......

storyteller-alchemist-servant-preist.

Now we balance. This story started at the push and pull, the angst, the passion, the fire. Now we balance.

.......

{Friday story prompts...she was...in one week...persuasion of ease...of spirit...it's not just a place.}

a boat on the water.

Jenny walked into the Loft and filled me with calm as she always does. She always has a few things with her, just as I do when I visit her. A bag of groceries, a given. Some tea. Often little gifts.

And on this day, some clippings to add to my vision board that was all about drawing in love.

She puts up this gorgeous picture of a man and woman walking out of a lake pulling a red canoe. The couple was pure beauty and the scene was what I was dreaming of, having just bought my sweet canoe, with nowhere for it to live other than Jenny's house in VT.

"But Jenny, my canoe is blue."

"I know, but his is red."

I am pretty sure I laughed. That picture became part of the story of how he came to me, or how I found him.

.......

The first time I visited the Magic Lake House we only had a few overnight hours. It was April and there was no running water. The only heat the wood stove which I now have learned to light.

We made love for hours in front of the fire and slept until the early hours of the morning. Before we left we walked out onto the deck, the deck that would become home for me, and we stood looking at the lake, falling in love with every breath we took.

He talked about the kayaks and his boat and then mentioned his canoe.

"You have a canoe?"

"Yes, right down there."

"Is it red?"

"Yes."

"Of course it is."

.......

I tried to tell him all the stories of how I found him. The puzzle pieces that all connected and wove the words that now want to fall out of me.

He would get frustrated when I would say, but that's another story for later.

My fear was that if I explained to him how I had manifested him from a blue canoe, his gray hair, my man jar, the moth, his name and down to the month we would meet that he might have trouble holding all of me.

.......

"There are magic fish in this lake."

"Magic fish? Did you really just say that? Why are they magic?"

"Because all you have to do is stand in the water and they come up from everywhere and kiss your ankles. They are our magic fish."

"Do you know I teach magic?"

.......

A boat on the water in Mexico, our first trip away together, holding red and blue. We walked a few miles in our swim suits to 5th Avenue and back along the water.

A boat on the water that he is teaching me to drive so I will be able to feel the freedom on the lake this summer.

A boat on the water from the song he texted one day was 'our' song. The one that makes my heart skip a beat, remembering the early days of how just seeing his name on a text would make my stomach flip flop. (Actually it still does.)

A boat on the water that sent out the vibration to the Universe that I was ready to be brave and find him. The one I found when I was holding the biggest question of my life. And the one that he would become the answer to.

.......

"What did you write about before you met me?"

I wasn't sure. I had to go back and look. I spent time reading the stories from before April 2nd, from before he came to me and within hours changed my next steps.

I read about the doubt and the moth, the taste of a cigarette, the demons of satisfaction.

And Chewbacca.

And when I met him, I started to write the stories of our new life.

.......

I am a story-teller. A manifestor. A magic-maker. I am the one who records the details in photo and words and then spins them into the tellings of the shaman-like bending of elements and future becomings in the feeling world.

I teach from story. I iterate from story. I fall in love from story.

A  story of a boat on the water; a story of a new vibration in time.

.......

why i don't deserve a free trip to mexico.

because i never finish anything. because dishes sit in the sink. because i allow every book to go unread. because i am lazy. because i left him. because i keep gaining the same 10 pounds over and over. because i am never enough. and too much. because i fight. because my feelings are wrong again. because i can't meet my own needs. because my comfort is inside of struggle. because sabotage feels better than the truth of what i feel. because my wanting to be taken care of is weakness. because my heart keeps getting broken. because i didn't earn it. because i suck at this. all of this. because every time something good comes there is an equal and opposite reaction. because i am broken. because i am so tired. and can't sleep. because all of this change hurts. .......

the amount of reasons i don't deserve are piles around me.

i am sorting through them. recycling. throwing out. tucking some aside for later examination.

i am asking how i found myself inside this amazing life of freedom and self motivation with all these stories, and all of this fear.

i am understanding my tangling with fear is part of who i have become. and am becoming again.

i am looking to connect the dots of my time line, to understand how each piece fits into the next.

i keep testing him to see if he will run. he keeps testing me to see if i can hold all of him. we are pushing against and yet tied together with an invisible thread sewn by god and faith and dreams.

i made the list of why i don't deserve. and today as this love letter floats out into the inboxes of 3,000 people who sit on the other side of each of my musings, my future self will be stepping off the plane.

.......

"you are sabotaging the trip aren't you?"

yes. without a doubt.

.......

today i will be on the trip i don't deserve. for all the reasons that have sat in heavy piles.

i will become the one who let herself be taken care of and loved as she pays it forward with nurture and love. all i have ever wanted, and now my biggest fear. letting him take care of me.

today i will cross over the piles of why i don't deserve so i can see the ground underneath them.

my feet will be in the sand. my heart will be opening, again.

.......

and i will be in mexico.

a baby. a boyfriend. and a cafe.

they hadn't seen each other in almost a year and yet it felt like no time had past. groceries bags filled with eggs and veggies and pineapple and the fixings for all sorts of pie. (enchilada and chocolate pretzel.) #lovelanguage

pregnancy cravings all taken care of. plenty of kid food for the gaggle of children. a rough plan for how to spend the three hours before the big kids came home from school. (talk fast. hide the salt and vinegar potato chips.)

we have been visioning and manifesting together for three years.

one year ago we decided to manifest what we desired most as a team. and it went something like this...

a baby. a boyfriend. and a cafe.

we repeated it and dreamed it and visioned it and texted it and prayed for it. for ourselves, for each other.

the cafe arrived first. none of us were prepared for the manifestation of that dream. it may have only belonged to one of us, but we were all instantly grabbed into a swirling vortex of... oh shit, she just got what she asked for. and we watched her go from new mom to new mom with a cafe on an island that asked everything of her. and it felt like there was almost nothing we could do to support her other than believe that this was unfolding exactly as it must.

whoa. and shit. and thank you. and what do we do now?

a few months later he arrived. none of us were prepared for the manifestation of that dream either. it was mine but it became all of ours and my life went from single divorcing mom into learning to be in partnership with 22 years of old patterning and lots of healing to come. (and we are both highly sensitive and just a tad intense.) we have a passion that is unrivaled, it can feel amazing and devastating all in the same week. we are so in love and that love terrifies us, because we don't want to ever be without it again.

we swirled some more... oh shit, and whoa. and thank you. i love him so much.

and then the baby. tucked inside her belly. we are all in love already. getting to this littlest addition in our extended family, as we all know now, getting to this 'what we want' takes work and tears and honesty and pain and all the feelings. all of them. soon she will be crossing over from women to mother. joining us in a world that she has been visioning, calling forth.

um. blessings of spirit whispers. a baby. a boyfriend. and a cafe. one year later. after repeating those words as our secret mantra. we are here. now.

my kids and i don't agree on making wishes. they believe you blow out the candle and keep your wish a secret so it will come true. i believe you blow out the candle and tell as many people to help you conspire as possible.

the baby, the boyfriend and the cafe were wishes that god and the universe and so many people became part of. we never pretended getting what we wanted was easy, especially once we had them.

once we get what we want, in whatever manifestation of it that shows up, that is when the deepening of who we are becoming starts. we never know what that will look like, but the feeling is kind of like...

whoa. and oh, shit... and thank you... and what now... and i am so in love.

enchilada pie became dinner. wine started pouring at lunch and ended far into the night. the one with the baby started visioning around midnight while the ones drinking wine watched. finally we joined in.

because once you have the baby, the boyfriend and the cafe, you better start dreaming together again.

the floor of the loft was covered in bits and pieces of magazines and secret messages and the salt and vinegar potato chips were no more. at 2am we climbed into bed, exhausted.

they came to the loft that day because they hadn't seen each other in almost a year. they came because it was time to realize the power of what we had created. and to feel it. and to talk about what had happened to us since our visions became reality. to talk about the pain and truths inside of getting what you want, because it comes with the huge price of change. and how we lose some things when other things arrive. and how witnessing each other inside the pain and darkness of the dream was brutal. and pure love. and what now... and i love you... and pretzel pie... and love languages... and thank you.

november 22nd - february 22nd

Once you've decided that you want something, the opposite of it is going to be very much a part of your awareness too.  ~Abraham

.......

we have this tiny little book called, "how to love."

one night my 10 year old decided he wanted to read to me and chose that book. he read the first page out loud about our hearts being like a river. after he finished reading it he said, "whoa mom."

we sat and read as many more pages as we could until we were so filled with new thoughts and ideas about love that we had to stop to process.

.......

on november 22nd i walked into a court room with my husband of 18 years and we agreed to end our marriage in front of a judge and lawyers and a whole lotta strangers who i was terrified to cry in front of.

on february 22nd the state of rhode island will officially declare us divorced.

.......

we had our first date on april 2nd, set up by a friend for a coffee date since he knew we were both inside of separations. neither of us were truly healed enough to take on a brand new relationship.

but we ended up kissing on the couch soon after that first date, our mouths were starving for the love of the other. i loved him immediately. and we are so unlikely for the other.

the business man meets the woman with tattoos and crazy hair down the hall one day for coffee and their lives are forever changed.

.......

and now i am in the opposite. i am learning about money, and fear and patience and compassion.

after a year of having left my house, i am returning to it almost untouched by my absence, so that i may leave it again. i just got my dresser. after a year.

slowly i am leaving my house. and it is devastating. the opposite is now my awareness and my movement.

before november 22nd came i didn't feel the opposite. i was sad and in auto pilot. i was learning how to be a mom in a new way. i was high and low and wanting to be loved more than i have ever wanted anything.

the opposite is a place of awe and almost a sense of reverence for the instability you can be inside of and still function.

because you decided you wanted something.

and now it is.

and now you are re-learning everything.

.......

when we first separated he would bring me groceries and wash the dishes each time he would come over. i would leave a dinner in his fridge. we struggled to be apart even after we knew it was time.

everything we had ever done included the other in some way. and now we were separate.

i couldn't take my dresser. i couldn't think about what to do with wedding pictures or dresses or old journals with the record of the past inside of them.

.......

he will be 11 years old on june 26th. he will be a child of divorce as i was, as so many of us were.

i pray that the love his father and i gave to him the moment we first held him after a crazy birth, will never be apart from him. that he will understand our love is like that river and our hearts have now expanded to include new loves into our lives.

he has his first crush. he adores her. his thoughts include her every day.

he is now understanding how to love like that river, receiving and embracing and transforming.

.......

how to love.

"the desire to understand ourselves and to understand life is a deep thirst. there's also the deep thirst to be loved and to love."

on february 23rd i will walk inside of a new understanding of myself. of what i am capable of. of how i feel sorrow and shame and joy and love.

i am inside of the immense river, transforming. i am looking towards my next becoming. i haven't met her yet, i am still saying good-bye to a past self while thirsting to understand my now.

.......

i am inside of the awareness of the opposite of my wantings.

the days when taking a shower feels like an accomplishment. and when you remind yourself, again, that joy is all the feelings.

all of them.

images in the mirror. and dead hamsters.

“By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond the winning.”

~ Lao Tzu

i remember standing in the pet store watching them for almost an hour the hamsters running and sleeping and wondering how long they live and what gender should i get and did my boys seriously have to ask santa for a hamster...and then i saw her and she looked like the loft her colors and softness even the way she moved and held herself...and i knew she was ours...mine...she belonged...

...

on the phone with the insurance provider on the phone with the cable company on the phone with the dentist on the phone with middle school on the phone with changes and heartbreak and the sweetest women and empowerment and sadness and fear...i bribe myself with a bloody mary...i bribe myself to keep going...

...

she built a big nest and buried herself belly up which we knew to be hibernation...i move her cage downstairs and we wait...then i go down to put our laundry away and the smell of death is inside of me nothing i can do to pull it out...

...

i have been hibernating so tired i can barely do the dishes the laundry the basic rituals that keep time in my life that make me feel proud and mothering and nurturing and providing...i don't want to know she is dead so i put her outside and pray that someone will take care of me shake me hold me look at me promise me that they won't let me sleep much longer...

...

looking in the mirror i see my face has changed these last few months i almost don't recognize who is looking back...i am swirling spinning falling scared as hell...please fucking wake me up...wake me up...

...

i am scared that i am pushing away...i am too proud to ask for what i need...i am shutting down and opening back up and remembering why i chose this remembering why why why why why...afraid they are mad at me because i just don't have the energy to belong right now... afraid he will not want to hold me during this afraid he forgot that we are family that they are my family now too and all i want is to take care of them now no matter how scared i am...

...

when they go to school i scoop her out of the cage and she is so peaceful that i have to stare at her little fluffy softness in awe of a transition in time of a transition without pain of a transition that we can't control of a transition that is metaphor and i want to wake up now...

...

and it fucking hurts...

...

i can and will and we will bury her this weekend at the magic lake house that feels like home and family and i love that i chose her she chose me we had time to love her...love...as i open my eyes and feel all of it...

...

Magic Lake House Lift Up (an intimate coaching group)

“The Magic Lake House is where prayers mix with quiet soft nights on the deck, overlooking water that holds magic fish, quiet moments and laughter that can be heard throughout the private island. It is where we create gentle, safe space for people to gather, boat, swim, eat, drink, create, dream and reconnect to their true soul whispers. ”

We are not here to simply live on this earth. We are here to experience, feel, evolve, desire, devour, share, dance and open.

I choose to live sensually. The choices I make must revolve around feeling good and bringing good.

We must circle with our people as part of the deep self-care work we will all be called towards.

This circling for me is a calling so that we don't disappear from our own eyes and dreams and desires.

It is filling a hole inside that often feels gaping and raw.

When you combine the beauty of self care with the kickass mastermind of others who love pushing the edges of heart-centered business you create swirling magic.

The Magic Lake House manifested from a dream that fell in love with another dream. Every prayer is held here. Every download is sent from the lake with bubbles of love. It is pure magic.

Our May/June Lift Up ::

We will start by gathering in a private group virtually (for May and June) where our first unfolding will take place. This is where we will start the vulnerable task of introducing who we are and why we came to this lift up together.

We will gather on two group calls to enter the lift up work. You may use this call in any way you desire; what you need to explore and talk about will be unique, there are no rules. These calls will be recorded. I promise that this is where the magic will first find you.

These calls will be coaching you around anything you are bringing to our circle to be lifted up around.

During May each of us will find the place in our lives where we are desiring lifting up around. As a group this will be nurtured, held and supported. I will be giving you personal inspired actions and coaching. The amazing thing for me is that when we do coaching in this way, we not only get the beauty of the magic that swirls around our own lift up, but benefit from everyone else's. We are all connected.

There is a power when women come together to lift one another up. Something huge shifts inside. We are no longer alone. This circle of women will take you into your next becoming. They will become part of your mantra towards healing, growth, change and desires.

I have been dreaming of a small group of women to lift up, where we go all in and find ourselves sitting on the deck of the magic lake house in the evening with soft music playing, a glass of wine, amazing food (we will do the cooking together) and conversations that become our prayers floating out to the magic lake that holds each prayer inside of her and sends it back to us in the form of downloads that change our next steps.

I have been dreaming of a small group of women where I could go deep, love hard, coach strong, guide in a new way. A group that is part intense coaching and part magical retreat. A group that lifts each other up while doing the work. A group that finds their way to the magic lake to dip their feet in her waters and heal how I have healed over the past year. A group that isn't afraid of going deep, and sharing, and trusting, and desiring together.

I have been dreaming of a small group of women who are ready to dream bigger than they ever have before. Who are ready to say yes, and this and now.

And so it is. We will gather. To do the work. To iterate. To share stories. To lift. To celebrate. To travel into our next becoming.

The magic lake house retreat ::

Thursday, June 9th, we will meet in Rindge, NH, on a small island in paradise (literally), at the magic lake house. We will settle in and spend time on the water or on the deck or walking in the woods as we integrate the slowness and magic that is around us. We will hug and laugh and chat and then gather together for a beautiful dinner overlooking the water and start a fire in the fire pit to warm us as the sun sets. (Skinny dipping has been known to happen during such moments!)

The kitchen will be filled with nourishing food for meals and snacks. I'll have a lose plan for meals, but our cooking will be collaborative, as time in the kitchen chopping and laughing with a glass of wine is one of my favorite ways of coming together. All food is gluten-free and low in sugar and as organic as we can be. You are invited to make yourself at home over the three days and help yourself and feel into the space in any way you need.

Friday will be our soul-work, lift up integration time. Every one will have focused time just on them. This is my favorite part of lift up gatherings. Time when you are heard and held and supported. This is when the next layer of magic happens.

We will have free time after the lift ups Friday late afternoon/evening. You might choose to venture into Keene for dinner and shopping or take a kayak/canoe out with a picnic packed inside and explore Lake Monomonac. You can stay and cozy up at the lake house, build a fire, have a dance party, shoot a bow and arrow, jump off the dock (let's manifest warm weather), go for a run, sit and giggle or anything else your spirit is craving.

Saturday morning we will have breakfast and our final lift up circle. Prayers and visions will be shared and sent out for the lake to hold for us.

It feels impossible for me to convey what the blend of lift ups, the magic lake and women who are willing to show up, do the work, feel into their becomings and step into fears and desires all at once can do to change your life. It is intense. It is pure magic.

This is what the magic lake house and lift ups have done for me. They have shown me that I have so many paths I could walk. And that it all comes down to my own vulnerability, compassion and choice.

The choice that I have made was of love, freedom, joy and constant iteration so that I may always be guiding others to change their lives, to become new, to be part of a wave of loving this life now.

 After the retreat ::

After we say good-bye we will find comfort in the re-entry inside of our virtual group. We will re-enter not just our lives, but our group together as new selves. The retreat will be our past selves having nurtured our future selves.

We will spend the remainder of June integrating, supporting and dreaming.

Some details ::

The deposit is non-refundable unless you or I are able to secure the spot with another participant. Much preparation happens ahead of time, so please, only sign up if you are 100% in! Airports in the area are Manchester (about an hour away), Boston (about an hour and a half away) and Providence (a little less than two hours away). Once the group is assembled we can work out carpools and support around travel.

Dates and Cost ::

June 9th, 10th, 11th (Thursday - Saturday)

3 payments of $477

Cost includes my gift to you of the 6 months in Magic Making Circle (a value of $474)

(if you have already joined the 2016 circle, your second payment will reflect the reimbursement)

To reserve your space inside the magic lake house lift up ::

Lifting up is vital to the movement. As women we crave this circling time together where we can nurture and be nurtured in a collective wave. We want to lead and be led, touch and be touched.

Lifting up is a form of healing when you stop fighting against feelings of jealousy, status, competition, judgement and open space for the truth inside of those feelings and allow yourself time inside of vulnerability, nurture, love, gentle power and forgiveness. Together.

Lifting up is showing up in truth and sharing in safety and love.

Lifting up is allowing others to lay hands on your wounds and then holding that hand in gratitude and love.

Lifting up is circling with other women which can become one of the deepest forms of fear for many of us who were taught that women are jealous and we cannot show up in our light. And we will move through this fear.

Lifting up is the rhythm of sharing meals, fears, dreams, prayers and giggles.

“I felt so lifted up and so held and seen and heard, in a way I had never expected or experienced. It gave me a feeling of connection that was something so new for me and now I know I can’t be without it. And I never realized the sheer power and strength and love without judgment that could be possible within a circle! My lift up time was amazing and I can’t wait to return for more. I yearn for it!”

"There was such freedom to share and spill and soak and release together. I am still basking in the overflow of the intentional self-care and sacred community that was birthed from my lift up time.”

Make a wish. {30 days of visioning into manifesting}

 

The first time I visioned my five beautiful dreams, among them were a space of my own, a disco ball and a trip to NC. I found the feeling inside of the dreams which was freedom.

I was seeking freedom. I had yet to understand what that meant, and somehow after years of a lot of tough experiences, I was open to receiving the message of freedom.

All of those beautiful dreams came to be so fast my nervous system was struggling to keep up.

Just 24 hours after I visioned the NC trip I was opening an email with an invitation inside of it to teach at a retreat in my childhood home of North Carolina.

The space manifested as The Loft which I have held as my heart space for three years and the disco ball was one of the first items ever put inside of it.

The wish that brought the magic was of freedom. I let go of what it would look like as the dreams started to come true. I held onto freedom.

I manifested him from sticky notes, vision pages and boards and my magical man jar. (More about that in the course!)

I didn't believe he existed, this man. I didn't believe I was lovable as a single mom with three kids. But he was my wish. I visioned him down to his name and hair color. The story is wild and crazy and blows my mind when I recall all the parts.

He was my wish. And he came to me. I didn't believe it but I wished it, I felt it, I focused on it. Until the day I knew it was true. Our focus becomes our reality. Our faith lets us make our wish while still being scared of what we want. Visioning is what takes us into that future self.

My wish that brought the magic was love.

When :: March 2nd for 30 days

Why :: A wish can become our magic.

How much :: (my gift to you when you sign up for the Magic Making Circle by March 1st) or... $59.00 for 30 days of inspiration, prompts, action and a virtual space where we will play together. This will be the most amazing warm up time for the Magic Making Circle that I could think of! If you have been wondering if that circle is where you belong to love up your life right now, start here, now.

$59.00

What I will ask of you for these 30 days ::

Make space to be here. Allow yourself the faith in wishes. Use these prompts to spend time with yourself. To light up in a new way. To discover a you that may have hidden out, buried by the stresses of daily living and lost dreams.

Create magical pages, cards, boards, gifts... filled with words and visions and feelings that surround them. As you do this, you harness the vibrations of the Universe. You vibrate in a new way. These creations become a way for you to align what you want with what you have. They create manifesting magic in your life.

I am going to ask you to make wishes. Each day in the form of visioning. The wishes become the prayer dust to manifesting what we desire in our lives. Our vibration of focus is creating the path of our future self.

The feeling inside of the dreams. The secret messages. The boards holding our monthly rhythm. The surprises.

The moment we blow out the candle and whisper our wish to the Universe...

• Wishes
• ‘I am’
• Beautiful dreams
• Wantings
• Desires
• Awakenings
• Words of spirit
• Secret messages
• Blessings
• Manifesting
• Spirit Guides
• Love languages
• Love and love and more love
• The sun and stars and moon
• Storytelling into the night

Through ritualized vision work we can allow each day to guide us towards living joyously, even (especially) when things are hard or challenges arise.

What will you need ::

• A blank journal, I love Moleskine XL Cahier, but anything you love works beautifully.
• Large pieces of cardboard or poster board or a bulletin board.
• Card stock. Start collecting pieces of thick paper from packaging that comes in the mail or you can cut up thin cardboard boxes.
• Some magazines. Ask people to start saving them for you. Go to hair salons and offices and ask for their old magazines. Check out libraries for magazine sales.
• A glue stick.
• Scissors.
• Some space and time.
• Faith that playing in this way can transform your wishes into magic.

the celebration after the surrender

 

my life is about to shift in big, huge ways soon. i don't like transitions or change and yet i am in a constant state of them. as a highly sensitive person it can sometimes feel like the ground isn't there. like you don't know what is keeping you here because surely gravity can't keep your feet planted in the chaos. and then you see where you are fighting. you feel it. name it. look at it. you love it up. and you surrender. in the last two weeks i have taken myself through this practice of surrender. and last night i cried. so many tears i felt depleted. and then i woke up and i prayed. and my prayer became action. i am new. i am now inside of a deep river of faith. ....... each time I look at my calendar and think about what program i’d like to run there is always a direct connection to where I am. over the last few years i’ve worked on creating a ritual, a practice of moving into surrender. and right now I am needing it again. i need to go into my practice, as I will again and again. we aren’t perfect, flawless. we are change. we are beginning and iterating and choosing often at a pace so rapid our nervous systems can’t keep up. surrender is the slow down. the space. the in between. the forgiveness. the prayer. ....... one of the things i have called in for this year is a monthly celebration. i want to look at what i have discovered, manifested, loved, dedicated, supported, lifted. i want to see and celebrate where i have been. and dream of where i am going. my first celebration will be that of surrender. of opening space to release, to feel, to pray. and i will do the work. i will feel all the things i have been putting a pin in to feel later. later is now. i will do the work. and together we will find our way into the celebration. ....... maybe there will be blue balloons. or bubbly. or both. or a table set with your most beautiful linens and plates. we will celebrate. because surrender is how we become. and become we must. i don't like transitions or change. and yet, now i am inside a deep river of faith. because i chose surrender. so become i will. and celebrate we must. i am ready to hang the balloons and plan the feast. when we do the work, on the other side is the freedom and joy we seek. and celebrate we will. xo

The open space of surrender. {A 5 week circle}

We start: February 1st, 3 emails a week Where: Virtual, wherever you are. How long: 5 weeks. Why: So we can take a deeper breath inside of our lives after the exhale. So we can say yes to that open space.

$49.00  

Surrender: To give yourself up to a new emotion or course or influence. To melt into and open up to...

2015

I was remembering a story about my boys from two years ago. One morning Eli (then 7) asks Lucas (then 4) who he loves more, himself or mama? Lucas being four and his world wrapped around his mother says, "Mama."

Eli then goes into a speech about how you have to love yourself the most. If you love yourself the most then you can love other people. He made a good case to the little one on why loving himself was the first step to mama love. The four year old just glazed over and I teared up.

This child is my little spirit guide in matters of the heart and spirit. He is so much like me. And we both struggle with explosive feelings and deep desires for surrender inside of the struggle that we tend to create for ourselves.

The other night as he was doing his homework he throws down his pencil and whines at me, "Mooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaam. I just can't finish my homework until I organize my chi." And then he asks to meditate. He has grown up watching Avatar and Korra as his source of spirituality and they haven't let us down.

I surrendered and lit the candle and put on the music and watched as his body calmed down inside of his own surrender. I have been feeling like such an unfocused, trying to be all things for everyone mom right now, my chi is pretty unorganized.

This is where we can make space for allowing, releasing and simply being in our now.

Each time I look at my calendar and think about what program I'd like to run there is always a direct connection to where I am. Over the last two years I've worked on creating a ritual, a practice of moving into surrender. And right now I am needing it again. I need to go into my practice, as I will again and again.

We aren't perfect, flawless. We are change. We are beginning and iterating and choosing often at a pace so rapid our nervous systems can't keep up.

Surrender is the slow down. The space. The in between. The forgiveness. The prayer.

Surrender is the intersection between acceptance and change.

As we find ourselves pushing against and fighting what we are feeling, we draw in more of that which we push. We continue to obsess, replay, hear the mind chatter that keeps us stuck. That old story plays over and over and over. We become trapped.

There is an ease when we learn how to embrace surrender. Feeling without fight. Fear and struggle are met with truth and grace. Releasing and allowing feel spectacular with the flow from stuck into surrender. Surrender is an entry point for joy. Surrender can guide you into stillness, moving, creating, acting and flowing.

Surrender is no longer pushing against :: My belly (insert body part of choice or flaw of choice) is so flabby I could never be loved (love myself).

Surrender is no longer playing the same old story :: I have nothing unique to offer the world because I'm not creative, smart, worldly, skinny, beautiful...

Surrender is no longer living in the what-if :: What if I could lose these last 10 pounds, be a size 4, make more money, get my partner to understand, have more time...

Surrender is melting into, opening up, releasing and that moment when you are ready to forgive yourself.

2016

i fell apart last night. one dash pms. one dash sickness. one dash feeling lonely while being sick. one dash entering into a huge unknown.

in a few months i will be stepping into my new life. a life that manifested from a story i long to tell. soon.

i haven't been praying in the morning. my warm coffee in hand, my quiet prayer for the day. lost inside the chaos of school vacation and holiday plans and a sickness that keeps swirling around my family.

prayer is my love note. prayer is how i stop feeling sorry for myself. prayer is a gift to the vibration of the day. prayer is vulnerable. prayer is surrender.

holding so tight to fears. so last night he says it is time to talk about it. and we did. and i cried. and fell apart. i still don't know how to talk when i am in fear. i am still afraid that i will trigger a fight or anger.

i am learning to talk. to feel safe inside the fear. but shit, it is so so hard.

prayer is my love note. safety is my prayer.

there is so much to surrender and i continue to hold on too tight and this body of mine can't breathe.

as we are journeying together into this new life we are in the space between. i am learning to surrender my need to be right. i am learning to surrender the fear of anger. i am learning to surrender to having to do it all alone.

i am learning to let go of always feeling like i am failing.

prayer as love note. knowing each other, learning, being vulnerable in the asking. sometimes it is the fear of the answers. i want to surrender into deep connection. a connection i have never known before until now.

after 13 years of parenting, 8 years of running a business, 1 1/2 years into a divorce and living on my own for the first time ever, 9 months into a new love relationship and 41 years in my body; surrender is showing up more than ever.

every time I think I 'get' it, a new lesson arrives. what brings me softness is the practice of surrender that we work with inside of this circle brings me back to my truth.

i seek surrender in new ways. inside of love. inside of deep deep truths i am holding inside.

"Hannah's program taught me how to shift my judgements into truths. Practicing this skill has profoundly shifted my thinking, reduced anxiety, and helped me experience greater joy in my everyday life. I highly recommend this program to anyone who is ready to surrender all the messy details of what's holding you back and start walking in the purity of truth." ~ Britta Alexander

Imagine your life if you could move past the stories that hold you in fear and excuses?

Imagine your relationships, your business, your spirit?

Where in your world is there an echo of surrender and what feelings does it leave you with?

Most of us are afraid to shine. We let our fear overtake us so we can’t move forward. We are paralyzed with shame, with trying to seem perfect and doing what is expected rather than what brings us joy.

We have a beautiful truth that wants to be heard. It is clogged by indecision, perfectionism, fear and doubts.

Are you ready to surrender to the struggle?

Would you like to allow and let-go without feeling like you are constantly pushing against and rather start to flow with?

Are you willing to allow grace (love, ease, fluidity, forgiveness, kindness) into that space?

We will release. We will move into our light. It won't be easy but it will bring us closer to the ease we desire each day when we wake.

The How:

• We will work with a weekly theme of moving from the story that is keeping us stuck and locked into fear and into writing our new one.
• Three emails from me each week to support your journey for each of the 5 weeks.
• Prompts with soulwork to take at your own pace
• Videos from me sharing my stories of surrender.
• A FB group where we will come together and share our journey and deepen our support, which will actively help to prompt you deeper into your knowing.
• Gentle power, that is how we will enter into surrender, gentle power.

Prep week begins Monday, February 1st...

    $49.00

 "Hannah has changed the way I breathe." ~ Maria

"Thank you for giving us your all, it allows us to do the same for ourselves." ~ Izabela

"I didn't even realize how far away I had traveled from my passions and joy until Hannah entered my life. What did I do without her?"~ Joanie

"The work you do is magical and impacts so much on the lives of the women that take part… including me." ~ Amy

"I value your words so much, they always speak to my heart. Thank you, I get so tired of reading other people's words all the time but yours are always special." ~ Jackie

safety as prayer. 17 questions to ask your beloved

i fell apart last night. one dash pms. one dash sickness. one dash feeling lonely while being sick. one dash entering into a huge unknown. in a few months i will be stepping into my new life. a life that manifested from a story i long to tell. soon. i haven't been praying in the morning. my warm coffee in hand, my quiet prayer for the day. lost inside the chaos of school vacation and christmas plans and a sickness that keeps swirling around my family. prayer is my love note. prayer is how i stop feeling sorry for myself. prayer is a gift to the vibration of the day. prayer is vulnerable. prayer is surrender. holding so tight to fears. so last night he says it is time to talk about it. and we did. and i cried. and fell apart. i still don't know how to talk when i am in fear. i am still afraid that i will trigger a fight or anger. i am learning to talk. to feel safe inside the fear. but shit, it is so so hard. prayer is my love note. safety is my prayer. there is so much to surrender and i continue to hold on too tight and this body of mine can't breathe. as we are journeying together into this new life we are in the space between. i am learning to surrender my need to be right. i am learning to surrender the fear of anger. i am learning to surrender to having to do it all alone. i am learning to let go of always feeling like i am failing. prayer as love note. knowing each other, learning, being vulnerable in the asking. sometimes it is the fear of the answers. i want to surrender into deep connection. a connection i have never known before until now. what do you appreciate most that i do for you? what desires do you have around us as partners? what touch do i give you that is your favorite? what touch do you crave? what do you need when you walk in the door after work? what do i do that most shows you my respect and admiration (masculine) adoration and protection (feminine)? when you are in fear how can i show up for you and hold you? what do i say or do that makes you feel like you are the most important person in the universe to me? what would you like more of from me (time, touch, words, etc)? what one thing can i support you with to ease your overwhelm? what is one celebration around anything you would like to have together? what do you see us doing together in one year? what is the thing i cook for you that you most look forward to? what brings you the most pleasure? what do you need more of from me? less of? what ways do/can i help you feel safe? safety as prayer. put each of these questions onto small strips of paper and keep them in a tiny bowl or jar. ask one in a quiet moment. let your partner choose one. pick a few for a long car ride. use one as word foreplay while you sit together naked and cuddling. ask one after you make love. pour a glass of wine as dinner cooks and really listen to an answer. let the answers come to you as prayer. really listen when they speak. hold their gaze. touch their leg or arm if that grounds them. think of other questions. add them in. ask the questions to yourself. are you resentful because you aren't getting more time or touch? close your eyes and instead of the resentment listen to the question...what would you like more of from me? let the answer soften you. pray as love note. surrender. find the safety in listening. in talking. in asking. in answering. xo