Make a wish. {30 days of visioning into manifesting}

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The first time I visioned my five beautiful dreams, among them were a space of my own, a disco ball and a trip to NC. I found the feeling inside of the dreams which was freedom.

I was seeking freedom. I had yet to understand what that meant, and somehow after years of a lot of tough experiences, I was open to receiving the message of freedom.

All of those beautiful dreams came to be so fast my nervous system was struggling to keep up.

Just 24 hours after I visioned the NC trip I was opening an email with an invitation inside of it to teach at a retreat in my childhood home of North Carolina.

The space manifested as The Loft which I have held as my heart space for three years and the disco ball was one of the first items ever put inside of it.

The wish that brought the magic was of freedom. I let go of what it would look like as the dreams started to come true. I held onto freedom.

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I manifested him from sticky notes, vision pages and boards and my magical man jar. (More about that in the course!)

I didn't believe he existed, this man. I didn't believe I was lovable as a single mom with three kids. But he was my wish. I visioned him down to his name and hair color. The story is wild and crazy and blows my mind when I recall all the parts.

He was my wish. And he came to me. I didn't believe it but I wished it, I felt it, I focused on it. Until the day I knew it was true. Our focus becomes our reality. Our faith lets us make our wish while still being scared of what we want. Visioning is what takes us into that future self.

My wish that brought the magic was love.

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When :: March 2nd for 30 days

Why :: A wish can become our magic.

How much :: (my gift to you when you sign up for the Magic Making Circle by March 1st) or... $59.00 for 30 days of inspiration, prompts, action and a virtual space where we will play together. This will be the most amazing warm up time for the Magic Making Circle that I could think of! If you have been wondering if that circle is where you belong to love up your life right now, start here, now.

$59.00

Add to Cart What I will ask of you for these 30 days ::

Make space to be here. Allow yourself the faith in wishes. Use these prompts to spend time with yourself. To light up in a new way. To discover a you that may have hidden out, buried by the stresses of daily living and lost dreams.

Create magical pages, cards, boards, gifts... filled with words and visions and feelings that surround them. As you do this, you harness the vibrations of the Universe. You vibrate in a new way. These creations become a way for you to align what you want with what you have. They create manifesting magic in your life.

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I am going to ask you to make wishes. Each day in the form of visioning. The wishes become the prayer dust to manifesting what we desire in our lives. Our vibration of focus is creating the path of our future self.

The feeling inside of the dreams. The secret messages. The boards holding our monthly rhythm. The surprises.

The moment we blow out the candle and whisper our wish to the Universe...

  • Wishes
  • ‘I am’
  • Beautiful dreams
  • Wantings
  • Desires
  • Awakenings
  • Words of spirit
  • Secret messages
  • Blessings
  • Manifesting
  • Spirit Guides
  • Love languages
  • Love and love and more love
  • The sun and stars and moon
  • Storytelling into the night

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Through ritualized vision work we can allow each day to guide us towards living joyously, even (especially) when things are hard or challenges arise.

What will you need ::

  • A blank journal, I love Moleskine XL Cahier, but anything you love works beautifully.
  • Large pieces of cardboard or poster board or a bulletin board.
  • Card stock. Start collecting pieces of thick paper from packaging that comes in the mail or you can cut up thin cardboard boxes.
  • Some magazines. Ask people to start saving them for you. Go to hair salons and offices and ask for their old magazines. Check out libraries for magazine sales.
  • A glue stick.
  • Scissors.
  • Some space and time.
  • Faith that playing in this way can transform your wishes into magic.

collage visioning space

collage she said

collage secret messages

How we breathe in circles.

“I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart. I am, I am, I am.”  ~ Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

i am badass luxury

I am warm spiced surprise.

I am the opulent lip.

I am passion rising.

I am sweet morning.

I am built with artistry, feeling, wonder and soul.

I am possible. I am champagne bubbles.

I am finding inspiration everywhere.

I am the sacred spirit.

I am song of devotion.

I am rewriting what's expected.

I am the strong sensitive type.

I am fire and crystal untold.

I am love and lust.

I am the high and low.

I am displaying layers of meaning.

I am evolving one wild and precious life.

I am luminous in the dark.

I am hungry for change.

I am open for fun.

I am tender.

I am integrating new ways.

I am Phoenix Rising...with a touch of self adhesive.

I am the evolution of connection.

I am found.

I am unbroken.

I am kaleidoscope alchemy.

I am soulflower.

I am a new degree of possibility.

I am ready to make it happen.

I am a cake for every occasion.

I am radiant nude.

I am the hungry traveler.

I am finding creative freedom.

I am a traveler of delicious comforts.

I am a part of it all.

I am absorbing delicious self discovery.

I am destined to be dazzled.

I am a magical place.

I am room for a miracle.

I am the co-existence of light and shadow.

I am beginning.

I am tender warrior.

I am intense and light at the same time.

I am glitter and glass.

I am a player of light.

I am first, gooey, sensitive.

I am a soul of light, all aglow.

I am the only centerpiece.

I am today.

I am (fill in yours here).

(Compiled from the circle of women in Spirits of Joy, A vision book course running through January. Can you feel the breath, the pulse, the safety and the penetration into a deeper spirit? This is how we breathe in circles.)

Often the best way we can see ourselves is through the reflection not in a mirror but in the eyes of compassion, empathy and fierce magic. Someone who has walked in our story. And then we become that for another. And the breath we exhale becomes their inhale and we need not push or judge because we find ourselves in safety.

And the 'I am' that surprises us from found words. Another's words becoming where we are traveling to next or holding us in a pause that is about to transform into tomorrow.

In a circle is where breath can expand and flow from one to another and words are held by the hands and hearts of community of choice. It is where space can be held to listen. Space where you are heard and no one is trying to solve you, just see you.

Soulwork is how we commune. Story is how we gather. Prompting is where we grow. Listening is how we feed. Prayer is how we ask and accept. Surrender is what leads us to change. Showing up in our now is how we embody all we desire.

i am warmspiced 

“There is a community of the spirit.

Join it, and feel the delight

of walking in the noisy street

and being the noise.

Drink all your passion,

and be a disgrace.

Close both eyes

to see with the other eye” ~ Rumi

***

Questions keep floating in about Magic Making Circle ::

The number I hold inside of a circle always carries an energy for me. 100 is my sweet spot. When the group is given boundaries and accountability and freedom and modeling it thrives.

Magic Making Circle will be capped at 100. There seems to be a lot of fear around this number. We may or may not get to 100 but that is the number I am visioning as the maximum of sweet spot energy and community. I love 100. It also will be the only group you'll be able to work with me inside of for 6 months, so my desire is that for those who love prompts and soulwork and the circling with women, that they choose to take this journey with us. My goal was to keep the investment affordable and open the access to a powerful circle to those who believe in the work and the practice. Masterminds with 20 or less tend to average in the thousands and I want to create a model that works for me and my life, and what I know is your life. So I am creating circles, rather than masterminds. I am finding ways to keep the mastermind option open but not vital to the circle.

A circle holds power because it is a community of choosing. This cannot be underestimated.

Can 100 people be intimate? Well, I decided to ask my circle of 409 women, who have all been part of one or multiple programs I have run over the last few years, to talk about this. Here is what some had to say.

"The unique power of Hannah's circles, even the very large Alumni group, feels as though I'm sitting in a cozy living room with my most precious, loving friends, with their arms around me." ~ Lisa

"You are a beautiful soul, through and through authentic and you have the gift of bringing women together to make magic in their lives and hearts . It is felt so viscerally no matter the size of the group." ~ AnaLisa

"There is something so important and so soul-filling about having a strong circle of love, support, and stretch." ~ Xandra

"There is something very different about how Hannah's groups form. There is an unspoken congruence that is felt within this safe space. Hannah is not in your face every single moment, seeking attention, in fact she has the balance right, she passes it over to us. She's there to guide, facilitate, prompt, nudge and cajole us. Everyone is incredibly supportive in ways that are hard to describe. These are a band of women who want to create good in their worlds to turn around their thoughts and perspectives, and ultimately be surrounded by love and joy rather than be faced with negativity and hate. What I have experienced here is that when you begin to flourish, the group holds you and prods you to move even further into your light, stretching yourself without breaking. All of this refers to a group of approximately 400! With Hannah at the Helm, it will be magic." ~ Julia

"We are all walking a different path and whenever i have reached out to this group i have received an abundance of unique responses. it's like drawing on the deepest, most beautiful and loving wellspring of knowledge and experiences! when i circle with these women i can be my true self. there is no criticism, judgement or negativity. i have only ever received love, understanding & constructive feedback. i can go deeper with my vulnerability within the open arms of this group and grow even more from witnessing the journey of others." ~ Jenny

"Wherever you are in the world, whatever time of day , if you need to talk, someone somewhere will answer. We are global." ~ Mary

I hope these voices help you to glimpse what this circle will feel like.

Other questions ::

Can you explain the monthly calls?

Yes!!! We will do the 6 monhtly calls via a Spreecast. Spreecast is a video feed that allows me to either talk and receive questions via a live written feed or I can bring someone on with me in person. Most of the Spreecasts will be with me addressing the written feed, but there may be times I arrange to have someone come on as a guest if appropriate. These will be recorded.

Often a question from one is a question from many. That is what these Spreecasts will hope to achieve, a way to in live time address where you are, what is coming up, what questions you have. You will be able to chat with eac hother over on the side in live time. If you miss the feed live you can watch and then come to the group page later and we'll still be talking about all of it.

How much time will we need to commit to the circle?

What you put in is what will be returned. For some that will be a large investment, for others it will be smaller. We all land and show up in different places. There is no wrong or right, there is what you need, what you desire. I cannot create this investment for you, you must decide this.

Some of you may be inside a 'cave' right now in your lives or a highly sensitive bubble of protection, as I was for years. You may be inside of raising multiple children while wanting to foster a passion or desire or skill. Some will be inside of already thriving businesses and looking to have a place they can go to for support and perhaps a new direction. There are some who may be quietly reading and processing inside of the group while others are out there, asking, probing, sharing. We all are able to gain such insight and movement from those who have more time or are more open to posting in the group.

I will ask of you that if you feel shy or quiet that you push your boundaries just a bit and spend some time learning to connect in this way that will draw you to the story of others and they to you. I will ask of you to learn to hold space for each other without trying to fix or compare, but to listen and create safety. I will ask that you show up. I will ask that you learn to land outside of comfort zones into desires.

For those who are ready to commit even further to their work or passions there will be gathering weekends at the Loft in Rhode Island for seriously fun and productive masterminds. You'll get all of me for a weekend to explore, question, hold space and prompt you forward. This is a beautiful opportunity to gather a friend or colleague or two and create a fantastic weekend together. (These will be announced in February.)

Having a circle like this to hold you, the talkative or the shy, the open or the cautious, is a gift. One that we will adventure inside of for half of a year. I am beyond grateful to have this time together.

This circle will become a network of women lifting you up, seeing you, listening to you, pulsing along with your unique vibration. You will discover how we breathe in circles.

And it will be beautiful.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Loft Autumn Series ~ Chocolate Night

persephone and Hannah before

Persephone Brown hosts Chocolate Night!!!

I am thrilled to welcome Persephone back to The Loft after her sold out (and then a few more squeezed in) Spring Feast where she brought us gorgeous food and wine and the understanding of each food's preparation. One of the women reported to having more fun than she thought possible at a cooking night!

The idea for chocolate night was cooked up I'm pretty sure as the Spring Feast dishes were being washed! I love food. I love Persephone. And I love bringing women together at The Loft, to feel kindred, to laugh, to rest while being nurtured.

Date: Friday, November 22nd, 6:30pm-10:30pm

Cost: $85 (includes a spot in The Holiday Joy Up, oh yes!)

 Add to Cart

"Happiness. Simple as a glass of chocolate or tortuous as the heart. Bitter. Sweet. Alive.”

― Joanne Harris

Celebration of life, settled on our tongue. Chocolate.

At the Loft we laugh. We celebrate. We dine, and wine, and sigh at the beauty and the goodness of it all. This chocolate night will be a heightened experience brought alive from the flavors, scents, and fluidity of this food from the Gods. The menu will vary from rich and raw to savory and simple. Wine is paired to take you further into the evening’s experience. Leave with a little something to take home with you, and an arsenal of new recipes which will bring love into your kitchen, the way only chocolate can.

 mara's glassA perfect recipe starts with flavor, then color. A perfect dish grabs hold of all of your senses, you smile at the sight of its beauty, the textures dance on your tongue. A perfect meal nourishes you beyond healthy nail beds and belly, with story, and laughter, and soft colorful cloth napkins. A perfect meal is messy, and simple, and lovingly prepared. The first bite you dance, the last bite you sigh, and every moment in between, all that exists is love.

~Persephone

 
 table-ruth

Our amazing menu:

Marinated Brussel Sprout Salad

White Chocolate Baba Gannouj

Cocoa ~ Mushroom Caponata

Cacao and Red Wine Braised Beef

Gluten Free Chocolate Chip Banana Bread

Lover’s Mousse

Wine, & plenty of surprises.


All dishes prepared will be gluten and dairy free.  Please let us know of any dietary restrictions you may have, and we will do our best to accommodate you.

 Add to Cart
 food on table
 
 
persephone cooking classPersephone Brown is a Certified Health Coach, with certification from the American Association of Drugless Practitioners. A graduate of the Institute of Integrative Nutrition and Columbia Teachers College of New York City. Spending a number of years cooking for herself (as a vegan, vegetarian, and now carnivore) and as the baker for the Juice and Java Cafe she learned the art of making healthy beautiful food that tastes good and warms your core.

Persephone uses her education and experience with food, to support women to clear the static and get real clear on what works for them. She has guided hundreds of whole food cleanses, teaching people to take that first step for their health and their life. Clarity is a beautiful thing when you're deciding where it is you want to go. A healthy digestive system and healthy mind help you get there.

 
 

Spirits of Joy ~ 30 days visioning you

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***

What:: 30 Days of Joy Up Soulwork Prompts for Creating A Vision Book and connecting back to you!
When:: September 1st, 2013
How:: An email each day for 30 days with a Vision Book prompt and some story telling from me, including videos from myself and some of my friends who are rocking their visions!

Soulwork is about connection to self, to the now and that future woman we see and want to flow into.

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Allowing ourselves to make what become vision books, is powerful. We come alive as we find a part of ourselves that has been lost or longing to come out. These prompts not only become part of our books, but our daily thoughts and often allow our writing practice to expand and gain depth.

Through daily vision work you can allow each day to guide you towards living joyously, even when things are hard or challenges arise.

Know yourself. Use these prompts to spend time with yourself. To light up in a new way. To discover a you that may have hidden out, buried by the stresses of daily living.

Create pages filled with words and visions and feelings that surround them. As you do this you harness the true magic of the Universe. You vibrate in a new way. These books become a way for you to align what you want with what you have. They create manifesting magic in your life.

Visioning allows you to love this life now while creating a future of your dreams.

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Soulwork will prompt you into new places and ideas, it will ask you to push beyond that safe place and dip into seeing truth, beauty, connection, love, joy, dreams and ritual.

  • 30 days of prompts.
  • 30 days of soulwork.
  • 30 days of creative exploration.
  • 30 days of you.
  • 30 days to creating a vision book.
  • 30 days of connection to spirit.
  • 30 days of the gift of joy.

"I am missing Hannah's daily emails, it had become part of my morning ritual. I would read them on my cell phone before getting out of bed every morning. Then lay here quietly reflecting on them before beginning anything else."

"I have had so many little insights into me & my joy. I appreciate you and the tribe more than I can say ~ Namaste ~ Love to all " ♥

"Hannah, this beautiful journey has grown through love. Your love, that you share with all of us."

"I have included reading my prompts and taking the time to process your beautiful words in my ritual. So inspiring and a lovely way with a cup of tea to start my day. Please don't let me miss the next program. Thank you for changing my mornings. xxx"

"It is my turn to thank you (and everyone) for the tasks and gracious love that is here in this tribe."

"Thank you, dear soul...this month has been life changing for me."

"I am a believer now. A believer of visioning."

There is a closed Facebook group just for those of you working through these 30 days. You can share pictures, thoughts, aha moments and see the daily journey of soulwork from others who are going through the days. Totally optional but a beautiful way to connect.

I've been visioning since I was young. As a highly-senstive child (who never knew that term) I had a brutal time dealing with my feelings. I felt overun by sensations and sadness and joy and every possible feeling you could have. One of the ways I learned to 'see' those feelings was to cut and paste. To go into a magazine and let the words and images talk to me.

Now I find it is the way I center. It is how I allow myself to know my dreams. It is how I manifest from a feeling into reality. It is a safe space to receive messages and words from the Universe through these magazines and let myself feel without fear.

Each time I complete a new page I want to stare at it for hours, sometimes I make free pages and hang them on the wall.

Vision books help us write new stories, chapters and pages for our lives. We don't have to stay stuck or in fear. We can step into our light. Maybe it seems crazy that a little book full of magazine cut outs can help us heal and create beauty in our lives. A little crazy never hurt! Let's play...

PicMonkey Collage chels and i am

Spirits of Joy - 30 Days of Prompts

Questions you might have::

Is this a journaling course? Nope, I've never been good at keeping a journal so I wouldn't be the one to guide you to that. But I do love prompts, writing exploration, vision board work and art books. I love cutting and pasting and exploring. This is about creativity and using our right brain to deepen our joy.

What if I'm not creative? What if? Hm, I think you might surprise yourself.

I've never been able to fully participate in long e-courses. What if I can't keep up? I don't keep up with the pace of others either. I do things at my own pace. You'll have all the emails that come to save and use for any time you'd like. Take your time, read the first 5, join in at the end. Whatever works for you. It is your 30 days.

Can I participate without keeping a book? Sure thing. Sometimes just being present to the thoughts and prompts is all you need. This is about you. Not me or them. What feels good to you? You can also create a vision board, a big huge poster of your thoughts and cut outs, a piece of art to hang on the wall. The beauty of creation is all yours.

What will I need? A blank book, I like this one, I love the gray and the kraft color, this one has a pocket to store your little cut outs for later and they come in many different sizes. Scissors, a glue stick and lots of magazines and old cards, quotes, etc will be needed.  A little time and space that you can carve out for you. If you have kids have them be part of this, get them each a book so that if you are short on alone, time you can still do some visioning each day.

I have taken this course before, is it the same? Yes and no. It will follow many of the same prompts. New videos and prompts will be added. What I can say is that every time I go back into my book and do my prompts again, the new layers appear. I am amazed at how quickly I can manifest the feelings and the visions. And of course, each group that comes together provides the magic that a course never can on its own.

Spirits of Joy - 30 Days of Prompts

 $49     Add to Cart

 

#MeetMeAtTheLoft

feathers

To be clear, I am making this all up with each vision. The Loft, my best 3am wake-up, the decision that would begin my process of healing and rediscovery and give me physical space to hold others inside of healing and rediscovery.

I remember sitting inside her walls on the one piece of furniture and praying that The Loft, this leap of faith would not be a fuck up. I prayed that I realize all that I visioned and for surprises and trust and adventures.

In a sort of surrender to the next move, I find myself in her embrace. She is magical.

I hope that one day you will #MeetMeAtTheLoft

weekend food

make art

A weekend called, "Lift Up" where I gathered my friends, my soul-team and we dined on gorgeous plates, went out adventuring, co-worked on the living room floor and had our rather epic skinny dip. The "Lift Up" details I'll keep private but I believe that we each left the weekend feeling more loved, whole, real, right, playful and beautiful than when we arrived.

I have visioned living like this. Now I do. Now I can invite others to and inspire women to create their own circles of joy and lifting. It ripples. It pays forward in the most healing of ways.

lights in loft

desk

Turning my attention to the downstairs, a desk set up and an entire wall to tape inspirations and press on sticky notes. I am in heaven. There is space enough for a small yoga class or a large circle. The bed feels like a cloud and the twinkles go on and on and on.

I have been visioning the space and slowly am finding the treasures that it will hold. I want you to feel seduced when you walk into this space. Seduction towards falling into yourself. Learning something that comes from the eyes or the yes of another. To circle, to expand visions for yourself. To know that ease and simplicity are underneath your feet.

hannah selfie

I am learning to celebrate. In the past I get to the 'place' and then am quick to move on, suffering in many ways later for not pausing to acknowledge what I've created. A fear of being in my light. Of being open with my successes. A fear that I can't really feel this right now.

So now I pause. I celebrate. I stand in the mirror on the days that I work so hard to get to and I raise a glass. To myself. To this gorgeous space. To the hundreds of women who are claiming their light.

hallelujah

dance

And the women who are coming to lend their voices. They are trusting. We don't know if people will come but we know that they will not leave the same. So we make these amazing nights happen. We circle. We sing. We vision. We lift.

Coming up::

More vision nights starting with "I am" night this month. (August 22nd)

#operationselfcarelikewhoa. (Early October)

Art classes. (Sept 14th)

More singing. (I mean, see that picture!)

Chocolate night.

A private weekend with my mastermind circle. (Early September)

More co-working.

An allowing of the visions to keep coming, to lead the dance. A trust that this is where I need to be. And an open invitation to you. To meet me at The Loft.

Dates and registration for events will be open in a few days.

 

 

 

Your touch.

skinny dip

In knee pile.

Forward bend with eagle arms.

Heated room. Forrest yoga.

She walks around the room pressing her hands on our lower backs and lifting us further forward, finding the space we didn't know was there. She walks to the person behind me and I hear, "I don't like to be touched."

My mind wants to understand this desire to miss what is my favorite part of the yoga practice. My heart understands the things that could make someone turn away from the assist of space finding. The hurts that must have come first.

Be present. Feel. The words from the teacher's lips guide me into stories of my own withdrawal from touch. When there is pain. When I don't want to connect in the physical world because words must be spoken first. Because I am craving the newness that comes from shattered moments of disconnect.

---

We throw off our clothes onto the dense sand, filled with shell bits that press into our feet as we step.

The air muggy. The glow from the moon giving truth to the stillness of the water. Our naked bodies glide in. Or fall in. Or slowly ease in.

Shivering. Joy. The touch of the water. Hugs from bodies we've known for years or only just met now vulnerable and open and real. Tiny bits of glowing lights surrounding us as we wave our arms under the surface of the waters.

Knowing that this a new way to be touched. By water. By other women. By being brave.

---

"I missed your lips."

Re-entry from a weekend of bliss met by touch. Fingers massaging my scalp as though telling me that the work I do, the way I have chosen to show up and lift others is seen as beauty.

My body surrendering after days of moving, doing, planning, making sure it is all just so. From the space found from her hands lifting me forward in that heated room, to the circling, to the waters of joyful baptisms to the comfort of my bed.

Surrendering into not knowing and loving that place because it is real. More real than any other place of touch I have been inside of.

---

 

 

 

 

Story Whispers ~ Vivienne McMaster

 I find myself eager for settling in with a cup of tea or glass of wine with those who I admire and hearing their story whispers. I crave these stories and voices.

The magic inside of the words, the treat of the truth and that moment of ‘yes, me too’ are why we must keep sharing our stories. I am making an effort to hear stories in person and through connection as well as tell my stories in whatever ways the words wish to flow out.

viv collage

Oh this woman. From standing naked in a forest with her snapping pictures of me to her raw truth and self love that comes through in her course. I am blessed to have Vivienne McMaster in my life.
 
I took Vivienne's course, Be Your Own Beloved, a few months ago and I was completely in awe of her way with words, photos, prompts. I take very few courses and this one I would take again and again. We are both at a similar place in our careers, gathering tribe, working on sharing more words and growing at a pace that is so fiercely magical and a little bit scary sometimes.
 
I am thrilled to be part of her life and watching her journey. Please fall in love with my girl, Viv.

Take us through your gorgeous life in terms of your senses: touch, taste, smell, sight, sound and any others that you possess.

Sight is always at the forefront. Noticing the way things sparkle, the words written in the pavement, the shift of one texture to another, the way light falls on the ground.

The other senses weave their way into the story too. The scent of lilac on the tree next door, the texture of a flower petal I can’t help but stop to feel, the sounds of a vibrant neighbourhood with lots of people engaging with one another saying ‘Good Morning’ and the very loud purr of my side­kick kitty Ladybug. The taste of really good coffee, apples and kale from the farmers market.

The moment you knew you had found your thing, the one that would propel you forward because you can’t not do it?

I feel like I’ve been on a journey towards my one thing, but it took a lot of little brave steps towards it. Right from the start of doing work around self­portraiture and inviting people to turn their cameras on themselves it has felt like my one true thing but it was only back in late last year when I made some shifts in the work I was doing to have more of a focus on self­love and the words ‘Be Your Own Beloved’ rolled from my pen to paper. It was the clarity of those words and the work that followed them that really made me feel like I really found my soul mission in life and I couldn’t not bring it to the world.

Feeling phrase: how do you want to feel when you are inside of your creative life?

At home, that it is a part of me the way when you’re riding your bike and it feels like an extension of your limbs.

In love, I want to continue to follow the lead of the places in my creative life that I feel head over heels for, that I just can’t wait to dig into.

Resilient. I want to be able to work through rough patches, blocks or fears as they are truly part of the process of living a creative life and allowing it to evolve and grow.

Magical moments: what are they to you and how do you open to receiving them?

I feel like our cameras can be an amazing tool for being open to magical moments. Sometimes they happen as I’m being open to finding a moment to take a photo and find something serendipitous on my path. Other times the magic happens within the camera where you capture a magical moment or something unexpected. I’ve also learned along the way (both with photography and life) the most magical moments happen when we thought we might have made a mistake, or we are outside our comfort zone!

Is there a ritual that you start your day with?

The morning is when I feel most alive, most clear and when I feel like I connect most with the writer in me and when the ideas are at the forefront. So to be honest I dive right into my work in the morning ... so my morning ritual is coffee and diving into the work that makes me feel really alive! I have other rituals within my day and week for self­ care but have learned to listen to that bright morning spirit in me that just wants to dive into work (and feel grateful that my work often feels like play too).

Favorite part of your body, tell us why you love it?

I’d have to say my eyes, which is kind of funny because I have really bad eyesight, but I’m not really talking about their physicality...rather the way they allow me to see the world.

I also am finally, after a long stretch of healing body image, am able to see the woman I am becoming and I am appreciating her curvature and shape as a whole....finally able to see the beauty in myself right here and right now.

Favorite quote:

One of my favourite quotes these days is about beauty and self­love, but I return to it so often and remember that in any moment we are the beholder of what is manifesting in our lives and  how we want to look at it.

People often say that "beauty is in the eye of the beholder," and I say that the most liberating thing about beauty is realizing that you are the beholder. This empowers us to find beauty in places where other have not dared to look including inside ourselves.
­~ Salma Hayek

A mantra or affirmation that guides you:

One of my personal mantras that I use in my work and in my everyday is that ‘Playfulness is an antidote to fear’. I love being able to take something that might overwhelm us or bring out our inner perfectionist and find a way to reframe it or get past it through just accessing our creative or playful side.

Your guiding word/s for the year:

I feel like I’m still living and learning about the word I chose last year which was actually Confidence. I’m a fan of choosing words that really get to the nitty gritty of the changes I want to make in my life. Confidence wasn’t a poetic word but it absolutely transformed my life to choose it.

******************************

Vivienne McMaster is photographer and teaches online and in person workshops helping people to be their own beloved and see themselves with kindness through their cameras. Having found her way back to herself after a rough patch through the magic of photography, she believes that self­ portraiture and creative exploration can save our lives. She shares her colourful visual stories over at her website (http://www.beyourownbeloved.com)

Mini Manifesto

mini manifesto

I've been exhausted lately. The result of going full force since about January. Travelling, getting a Loft and turning it into magic, running course after course, finding more space for social time than I have in years and some deep shadow work are probably why. Probably.

But I prefer to pretend I must have some wacky illness, be like, really sick. Something must be wrong for me to be tired. To take 3 days off from working. To sleep crazy hours. To skip yoga. To want to go back to bed an hour after I wake up. To feel my anxiety slipping in. To be so bloated and irritable.

Yesterday on my third day of needing huge space from computers and phones and the to-do list I made just to coax myself out of my exhaustion, I realized I was just tired. Tired. And maybe the stuffy nose and cough are showing up to slow me down just a bit.

And instead of anything getting crossed off the to-do list I quickly wrote a mini manifesto.

So here I am.

Learning to pace myself to the beat of my heart.

Later I'll probably take a nap and then make a beautiful dinner.

Might even have a grapefruit mimosa.

Sometimes we need to call ourselves back home.

***

After my days of rest I am going back into these days. This process and practice is what grounds me and helps me come back to me, to my home, to my ritual that keeps time. We start June 10th and the group of women joining is making my heart happy.

making space new photo

 

 

Holding their feelings in your hands.

morning coffee cup, feelings

She sends a picture of a page in her vision book in a text. It is open and free and serene. A beautiful dream about love. Instantly my mind sees the words 'open my hand.'

I text back. "You totally don't need to do anything with this, but I had this intuitive hit and saw the words 'open my hand' and you can totally do whatever you want with it."

She responds that she has no idea what it means but will think about it.

I respond that I never get intuitive hits on people's vision pages, I don't know either. Haha!

***

I wake up and feel wrong in my skin. Everything I put on feels as though it is choking me or stabbing me. Even yoga pants and my favorite huge black shirt that falls off my shoulder, just the way I usually feel at home in my body, feel wrong. I want to run, cry, scream, howl at the fucking moon for having to have been full during an eclipse or whatever is happening.

And I'm starving.

***

We lay in bed naked. The first relief I've felt from my skin all day. He rubs my skin and I feel the discomfort of the day melt.

"Tell me one of your beautiful dreams."

"Explain the prompt."

"Something that you can see, can vision within a year from now. And then you find the feeling inside of it."

His dream made me smile in its depth of simplicity. About happy.

All about moving through this world as your soul longs to see you walk.

***

We lay naked. He rubs my skin. I feel myself yield. I feel loved. I feel seen.

He wasn't trying to fix it or change it or justify it. He let me have my feelings. All day I felt wrong in my skin and I stayed with it.

I felt seen in my own truth.

***

Sarah writes a blessing each week for our Magic Making Circle. She sends this week's blessing led by the quote::

"To hold, you must first open your hand. Let go."~ Lao Tzu

I cry.

***

I send her a text. "So, I kid you not, this just was sent to me." I share the quote.

She texts back. "I kid you not. A prayer I said last night.

let me be free. let me let go of control. let me find joy and just be."

We just met a few weeks ago.

***

I go to Wordpress and open the dashboard.

A post I started over a week ago. Only the title, no words.

Holding their feelings in your hands.

***

I make a strong cup of coffee.

I sit down and type.

The story isn't how I have been learning to no longer take on others' feelings as my own.

The story is hers. And his. The intersection between the vibration of what we are learning and the spirit guides that enter.

***

I go back and find a text that another spirit guide in my life sent:

Imagine living your whole life never learning how to receive big time love and making magic?

***

We are all just walking each other home. ~ Ram Dass

***

And so it is. This fierce, fierce magic.

***

Gathering. Choice. Power.

truth 

2 days after I talked with Tara about writing for the Grandmother Power Campaign I learned that my grandmother died. She lived overseas most of my life so my memories are few, but they are firm. Her house is where we gathered, I remember Chinese take-out, her making my grandfather lots of tea and my great-grandmother's room in her house where game shows were promptly watched each day. She never forgot a card on a birthday or Holiday, and as someone who barely knows what day it is, this always blew me away.

I think of the grandmother as the gatherer. The one that brings everyone together, who spends time in the kitchen around the rhythm of food, who makes a feast out of nothing. My kids gather often with my mother, especially around the celebration of Holidays.

I have gathering in my female blood, the howling at the moon, wild women part of me.

I see myself as a grandmother with dreadlocks and a tattooed arm around a fire pit, gathering my women around and serving from an endless pot of stew on the fire. A grandmother that does not look like the grandmothers I know, one I vision that has been born of the choice to accept nothing less than a life full of joy. A woman who walks this earth bare foot, earthing as often as possible, and happy. Happy.

She is wild like me, impulsive, so freaking happy in her life and surrounded by people who are turned on by life. She is the evolved 38 year old me. She is the 57 year old who has added another arrow tattoo to her arm. One for each 19 years of living. She often has no idea what day it is and forgets what she went into the kitchen for... that hasn't changed!

She looks back on the year she was 38 and told her husband she wasn't happy. She remembers the moment when he said that his intention was for both of them to be happy in their lives, no matter what that had to look like. She remembers the work they did, together and separately to heal and find their happy. And only she knows what 39, 40, 41 look like. I see her smiling at me.

She remembers those moments of bravery and fear when she surprised herself with her choices. When she spoke her truth because not felt like the scariest place she could live. She knows that the awakening that came was unlike what her grandmother ever felt, or was it? What secrets and choices are inside of the pasts of our grandmothers that we will never know?

We may question the choices of the grandmothers who seemed stuck in a world not of their design, wonder if they were happy or wanted more or different. Perhaps for her speaking the truth simply meant allowing herself to be where she was. Was the gathering a joy for them or part of struggle? But no matter what, their lives had power. Different from the power we vision perhaps, but power of their choice. To be in that life. To gather. To pass down their story. To teach us to see clearly what we want.

Gathering. Choice. Power.

These are my practices. My daily meditations. I write my stories today and they link to grandmothers of past and future.

That wild woman around the fire, she has always been me. She was born when I was. We walk together. She prompts me daily to speak truth, to vision, to be of a life that I create.

As we say goodbye to my grandmother and the circle of life and passing of time continue, so too do our choices, our gatherings. Our power. We walk together in a truth that is our own. When we are ready. Ready for the change, the surrender into this moment, now. They are different stories in different times.

Gathering. Choice. Power.

 

 

Yesterday I cried.

3 horses

It took some Prosecco.

And a letter that stirred my emotions about connections and money and feelings.

I've been claiming space. Making space. Allowing space. And gifted with space.

Inside of this space I've felt less raw. More open.

I'm not crying as much. I am still always close to tears but in that delicious HSP way.

This space I've been searching for, searching for years. This knowing, this knowing that I've got this.

My dreams vivid, full of colors I never see in waking life.

There are days when I get in the car with a friend and we drive and plan and eat and lift our faces to the sun. Space. Pulling myself away from the computer where I've created deep love and success and giving myself permission to start living those things.

Feeling. Less raw. Filling in the gaps of times that never were.

The necklace I was wearing around my neck with the word light fell off the other day. It broke. And I set it down to fix it. I let it sit there for weeks.

I met a woman recently and I kept thinking of wrapping her in light. So I will fix the necklace and I will let the light carry forward.

Because when I cried yesterday I knew that I was already there.

In the light. In the space that I visioned forth. In the space that is rolling me in her beauty and guiding me in faith.

Tears of affirmation. Floating inside of fears and still paddling.

So that I may guide.

In the light.

 

 

 

As you lose your feathers.

earring

I taught myself how to truly live in abundance through feathers. I tell the story in my vision book workshops and I will guide the community of The August Joy Up (yes, joy up is coming, its coming!!!) in learning to understand abundance this way. For now, I'll just say feathers became my thing. Quickly I was finding feathers where there never was a bird and my life started to switch from one of lack and complaining into one of abundance and gratitude.

As a highly sensitive person I tend to wear very few things, like only 4 of the shirts in the drawer and lots of leggings and yoga pants. I find a pair of earrings and wear them every day. I find a favorite shirt and I'll have it made in black and gray and white. I crave comfort and familiarity when dressing.

During my early practice with feathers I found these gorgeous, long earrings with feathers in my color story on Etsy. They were reiki blessed and held my favorite color stones. I wore them every day. They loved me. We had a love affair. They were soft and I really never felt them but always could glance the chains and stones hanging right by my chin and neck.

In Seattle this past April I was sitting in a gorgeous French Restaurant with Persephone. We had just taught at Feast Retreat and we were having a quick meal to celebrate our time and to give me a chance to sit in a city I had left 14 years ago.

I took off my coat and brushed my hair out of my face and on one side there was no feather. I looked in my coat, on the floor. Gone.

 I felt for a moment, frozen. Persephone knew how much those earrings meant to me, how attached to 'things' I can get. We kept looking for a bit and then sat down and ordered a drink.

"OK, so what are you releasing?" Persephone asks.

I think I probably threw my head on the counter and moaned. Damn. OK. Perfect.

I can't remember what I said, if anything good at all. But the truth was that I was releasing so much.

During the retreat Liz gave me full permission to show up as my highly sensitive self. To take time away when I needed it. To truly honor my needs. I didn't think I would be able to do it but once I got there I felt such deep permission, the kind that I give others but rarely receive. One day I even went to lay down and fell asleep before lunch. I never nap, let alone in a place outside of my home.

I released being afraid of getting my needs met while around others.

I had only a very short time in Seattle, the city where I lived for 3 1/2 years from 21-24. When I was there I was inside of a lot of struggle. I had huge body image challenges, I was in and out of jobs that didn't fullfill me, I was a struggling actor, I felt so distant from myself as a woman, from my sexuality, from being seen. There were decisions I made there that I had been holding onto with regret. There was a loss of self that I could never piece into the forgiveness that I have for myself now.

Being back in the city, as this woman who has journeyed, done the work, hacked joy, fallen in love with life, being there in that moment, as this me, was healing. Because I was ready.

I released regret, old stored pain and the fear of forgiveness. And I forgave myself.

I think about someone walking down the streets of Seattle and finding this feather earring. Finding a symbol of my release. Or maybe a bird will pick it up and add it to a nest they are making. I imagine that the earring's story did not end when it fell from my ear but simply moved into the chapter titled, The Release.

Losing my feathers, molting, this is what happens when we start to fly, to soar, to grow.

Let’s shed one fear, like a bird loses a feather in flight, by stating it, naming it and letting it flow off of us as though we are birds in flight, knowing that once it drops it will become a magical gift of release…

And the person who finds your feather, she is just learning about magic. 

***

Follow up:: I contacted the woman who made me the earrings so long ago and she is creating a whole new pair of them for me. I don't know what they'll look like but my heart is happy.

***

Community Grace starts Wednesday. Are you ready???

***

In just a few days the workshop series at The Loft in Rhode Island will be launched. Get ready for serious feather releasing magic.

 

like this.

Like this rumi

like this. i want to feel you harder.

like this. fly away.

like this. my hands together i release you.

like this. it pulls you back.

like this. the point that pricks me.

like this. dust in the sun.

like this. anger in my gut, anger down to my toes.

like this. that sweet bite, and the salt.

like this. morphing.

like this. i feel it in the cracks, the sticky notes, the marks down on time.

like this. i will scream.

like this. i will laugh while my side aches.

like this. slide down underneath the clock.

like this. now my sweet.

like this. i want to feel you harder.

like this.

Circling. In Providence.

stuff in loft

We came together on a Friday morning at The Loft, Headquarters of #operationselfcarelikewhoa. It was a giant sleepover, sharing of meals and guiding, visioning, yoga and healing. That was about half the stuff!

#operationselfcarelikewhoa is a movement.

#operationselfcarelikewhoa grew from a funny hashtag that I used when I was inside of a deeply transforming time of my life, leaning into the truth of self-care through space, energy and love.

The operation was born as I truly allowed myself wings. And spirit whispers. And joy. And peace. And freedom. And deep, deep truth and healing. As I was working hard. As I was learning to relax.

It was a solo operation at first and then it became a mission, a movement!

Before I left for Oregon I planned the first event for #operationselfcarelikewhoa and it sold out in 10 hours, with 5 spots being added on.

Because like whoa we need this, we crave this, we must circle with our women as part of the deep self-care work we will all be called towards. Self-care may sound like bullet points in the latest magazine telling you to get your nails done but I promise you that for most of us it is a calling towards saving our lives, saving ourselves from disappearing from our own eyes.

It is filling a hole inside.

My hole is in my gut, when I closed my eyes I saw it and felt it, it was black and empty but when I stepped into #operationselfcarelikewhoa it became transparent. It is still there but it is no longer something I fear, because now through its transparency I see me. All of me. Even those scary, raw bits that I'd rather hide in the darkness.

Like whoa.

This hole that is inside of me helps me discover my deepest cravings, it is the young wounds we carry and the searching soul.

Like whoa. 

Circling is vital to the movement. As women we crave this 'rent tent' time together where we can nurture and be nurtured in a collective wave. We want to lead and be led, touch and be touched.

Circling is a form of healing when you remove jealousy, status, competition, judgement and open space for vulnerability, nurture, love, gentle power and forgiveness.

loft breakfast

Circling is showing up in truth and sharing what feels good.

Circling is allowing others to lay hands on your wounds and then holding that hand in gratitude and love.

Circling is the deepest form of fear for many of us who were taught that women are jealous of us and we cannot show up in our light.

Circling is the rhythm of sharing meals, fears and giggles.

Arm circle for manifest

The operation was fierce and we received and were held as worthy and opened and left with a new belief in ourselves. I witnessed intense, sacred moments between women during this circling that will forever allow me to move through this world knowing that circling is part of my calling and has been since I was a child.

Circling is the gift that I bring. Circling is the gift where I am receiving pieces of my healing as I share that transparent hole inside of my belly.

This journey to heal, to be whole:: lifelong. I pray that many of those days journeying will be spent in the circles of women who believe that they too have wings to fly.

buddha in loft

Tomorrow I'll tell you about waking up and knowing that this is where I was called to bring my work. It is why The Loft (#operationselfcarelikewhoa Headquarters) was manifested within days of the vision. This is the vision that grew from hundreds of women flowing into The Joy Programs and circling together. This is the vision that will take us deeper, together, circling and soaring.

Circling. In Oregon.

radiate dancing group photo by kelly(Photo by Kelly Rae)

Circling with women is finding your wings. 

Circling with women draws forth the beauty of voice.

Circling with women is being held, radiated, lifted.

hannah twirling photo by Leigh(Photo by Curly Girl)

Circling with women allows you to step into a light whose source lies inside of you.

Circling with women lets you start to erase the shame of showing up in your beauty.

Circling with women is accepting your emptiness, brokenness, fears without blame.

radiate boots photo by andrea(Photo by Andrea Scher)

Circling with women is stepping in rhythm as your hearts share their stories.

Circling with women is vulnerabilities' tears mixing into laughter.

Circling with women weaves a dream catcher of spirit, full of feathers and heart rocks and nature's gifts.

radiate group photo by jess (Photos by Jess Swift)

Circling with women is a gift.

Circling with women becomes your intuition when your place in this world feels unsteady, alone.

Circling with women, your women, the ones who feel your worth at a soul level, circling with these women allows you to feel the gift, that is you.

***

(I'll be sharing some of the beautiful circling I've been doing in 2013 and then releasing an invitation for circling that came from my dreams.)

 

Starting moments.

I am the kind of morning person who lounges in bed with a cup of hot coffee. I prefer touch in the mornings than at night. I need a slow start, a gentle awakening.

If I can find some stillness my head can integrate the dreams, the 3am mind wanderings, the longings for the day.

I wake up with feeling intentions. I wake up knowing how I want to feel each day. I pray for the guidance to somehow be in that. I will my boys to not fight for 10 minutes after my eyes open.

Always having said that I'm not a morning person was not true. We are all morning people. Waking up is gorgeous if we can do it the way our body craves.

A long time ago the clock was removed from the bedroom, that was a huge moment for me. I used to watch it all night. Now I never know what time it is but wake at almost the same time every day.

Rhythm. Morning ritual.

Starting Moments.

When I was feeling really ubruptly-wrong in the mornings I began taking a photo each morning that I called Starting. I don't have all the control over my waking. I have three kids and we live in a tiny house.

Often I found myself resentful of how I had to start my days, full of fighting kids and exhaustion after being woken up multiple times a night.

I needed to ground myself in gratitude. What other way right? We always circle back to being in the now with gratitude when we want to change.

So that morning picture is my anchor inside of what can be chaos.

It allows me to just show the truth of my mess or to take time to create a lovely scene that I carry with me for the rest of the day. It is all about the feeling.

I invite anyone on Instagram to join me with the Starting photo by tagging your own starting moment #startingmoments and to check out the pictures that are starting to collect over there. It isn't just me anymore with my bumpy mug!!

***

There are a few spaces left for the FEAST Be Present Retreat hosted by my gorgeous friend Liz. I can promise some pretty freaking amazing #startingmoments pictures from WA. The group gathering has already captured my heart. I cannot wait. This is self care for the soul.

Surrender starts February 11th and we are almost at 70 women. It is going to send a vibration out to every part of ourselves when we dip into the sweetness of surrender. As we stand in the intersection between acceptance and change. Join us...

I love this life. #operationselfcarelikewhoa

#operationselfcarelikewhoa came from knowing that I needed to heal this deep core lonliness I felt inside. It came from living so many years trying to fill myself with food, with stuff, with babies, with people, with wine, with work.

It came from knowing that for the first time in years I could fly and feel free. Asking for freedom was the hardest thing I've ever done. To ask myself for deep permission to be inside of free no matter what anyone else said or thought.

I got on a plane. That was the beginning of the journey. A plane to a place where I knew I would be wrapped inside of love and cared for but not given permission to remain stuck. (Yep, my friends are spirtual guides and healers!) A place where I would teach at a studio that years ago I had tucked into my visions.

One of the paralyzing parts of my anxiety over the years was that I was scared to do new things. Terrified. Once I started to crack and step inside the truth of my life I noticed the anxiety start to lesson. I was having a panic attack almost daily and suddenly they started to lift. It was sudden and intense. I was hesitant to trust it. I kept breathing and waiting for my heart to go into spasm.

Stillness.

No panic on the plane. I arrived in CA and sat to break bread (corn tortillas) with 9 of my colleagues and friends, some of whom I had never once pulled close and hugged. It was delicious. The women, the words, the food, the nourishment. It was not needy or forced. It was the soulfilling sauce that I crave each day.

And the tomato soup. Seriously, I closed my eyes with some of the bites and made noises of pleasure because it was like heaven, like whoa.

My spirit guides for the trip were magic, Tiffany and Rachel. There was visioning, sparkle lights, red lipstick, Prosecco, oysters, giggles, deep long talks into the night, cozy morning coffees, co-working bliss, beach walks with sand dollars and sunsets, secrets whispered and cried, aha moments, gorgeous food and California bliss.

#operationselfcarelikewhoa was in full swing and my belly felt joyful. I found I could eat almost anything and my belly didn't hurt. I was feasting on pure love for allowing myself to fill up without guilt. Without guilt. Without worry. Without regret.

I have been saying for years that people think I teach self care and that never rang true for me. And maybe in some ways I was, but my work has been formed around finding your truth. That deep truth of how you want to feel, how you want to move through the world. To know joy.

To thrive in heart-centered biz bliss. And this was is my journey. It doesn't happen in 5 days, it is a long, thoughtful process that weaves itself through your life.

The clear next step in my work as in my life is to practice the self care of freedom. Of knowing the peace. The peace.

The next step in the operation for myself was to find space. I want to find space gently. In a way that I can discover I am OK alone, with myself. I made a hotel reservation and packed a bag full of visioning supplies for the night in my own city. The kids went on an amazing adventure with their daddy (his work right now is about connecting, mine space) and filled up in their own way.

To look down on my city and see it with eyes that were all about self care was a beautiful moment. I celebrated dinner with myself and had the most delicious drink with gin and Prosecco and a stuffed salmon that I can't stop thinking about. Lick your lips, oh my god, grab-the-waitress-and-tell-her-whoa kind of salmon.

I did have text support from time to time with sweet friends checking in on me and making sure I was filling up on the joy of being with me. I won't lie, that helped!

The part that felt so real to me was learning that I could make space anywhere I was in the world. I can decide who to spend my energy with, who to share my words with, who to make space with.

I spent time with sadness. The last few months have been intense and led to so many unearthed desires. I spent time feeling it. I watched Castle reruns. Then I pulled out my vision book supplies and spent time with the prompt how do you want to feel inside of your 5 beautiful dreams.

Light, lush, WHOLE, earthy bliss, space and style, fresh stories. Each of those words finding me and becoming a feeling story.

FREE.

I stepped from the sadness into these feelings that are my gentle force. The 5 beautiful dream's cushions.

I wrote. I started my book. Oh honey, my book. I already see it. The colors, the textures, the words, the soulwork, the prompts. I see it, feel it and then release it. I will let the Universe play with tet feelings. It may be a bit lush and of earthy bliss! My job now is to fill in the words.

About two hours before it was time to go I released. I felt the exhale of the moment. I didn't want to pack up and go. Room service ordered I knew I would be stepping onto the rug and walking out the door. I wanted space to be my company, my partner. My joy.

The process is about learning to feel free and whole and carrying that inside wherever my feet guide me. The process for you is about learning to feel free and whole and carrying that inside wherever your feet guide you.

Beautiful work, yes?

I so love this life.

I love these breaths, this passion, these tattoos, my loves, the way my gorgeous goldfish swim at me each morning when I go to open the curtains. I can hear their noiseless cries for attention in the form of food. I love this life.

Even when it sucks and is raw and the tears and indecisions roll around.

I love this life.

***

#operationselfcarelikewhoa will soon be hosting an event in Providence so stay close. It is a movement so that the women who have been in the gorgeous positions of nurturing learn how to nurture themselves.

Why I am lonely. #operationselfcarelikewhoa

The prayer. I prayed that I would stop being so lonely and that for just 5 minutes I could close my eyes and everything I had built in my business would still be there.

Lonely. Married with three kids. Friends by the dozens. Family all around. Hundreds of women inside of the most amazing tribes formed in my work. Teaching programs about joy.

Lonely. I sent the prayer up and since then its cascading message has been my beautiful work of learning to receive its truth.

Lonely. I find a journal from 1994. "Why is it that I am so lonely and scared inside of a relationship and without one?" I was 19. "I feel like I'm losing myself." She left me a note from the past and I thank her deeply.

Lonely. To my core. Not because I'm not living a beautiful life, because I never learned how to be OK as me. To be whole and true and loved by me without the safety of another.

Lonely. Recently our marriage was rocked, deeply. Again. We both realized that we have so much healing to do as our own selves, outside of the 'us.' We don't know what this means or what it will look like in 5 months or a year. But we are going through it with love and compassion and a whole lot of time to discover.

Lonely. Teaching myself, guiding myself to be with myself. Just me feeling whole and complete and inside this gorgeous life. Sometimes I feel like I am 19 again. Like I can feel her, see her, touch her. We aren't that far away.

Lonely. And I am so OK with being here. I see this as all my life leading up to this moment of now. Of now. Of knowing that I can be in this place and not suffer. I can be here and in sadness or joy I can know me.

Lonely. I am seeking space to know her. That 19 year old and the 38 year old who is ready to look her in the eye and promise her that now we are strong enough. Now we have the spirit guides. We have the truth of now.

Lonely. I am joyful to be here. I am grateful inside of grateful to have said that prayer. To be here.

Lonely. To know that everything I teach is my guide. To know that you may be lonely too and I am breaking the silence for us.

Lonely. I am so excited to journey into this soulwork of becoming safe inside and no longer searching for that safety outside of myself. I pray that this is a gift I give to my children. But mostly to myself. A gift precious of wants and desires, a feeling of being juicy and alive with wholeness. Of knowing connectedness in its purest state.

Lonely. Yes. Yes. And joyful.

And I have closed my eyes and the words are still there. I have closed my eyes and nothing faded away. I have closed my eyes and shown you my tears and you all whispered, I see you, thank you for seeing me.

Everything changes inside of #operationselfcarelikewhoa. (pictures on Instagram @hannahmarcotti)

Thank you God. Thank you Universe. Thank you lonely.

Knowing where you are and stating it allows you to change everything. Without that truth, and yes it can take 19 years to find, the next words to the story won't match up.

Perhaps we all must go through a time of losing ourselves so that we step on this path and journey to our heart's calling. I am devouring the journey. Lonely is a gift of leading us to discover peace inside.

Finding feathers along my path has allowed me flight and in this flight I can see the beauty surrounding me.

And so it is. Inside of this awakening.

(More on #operationselfcarelikewhoa to come!!)