The Declaration of You will rock your freaking world loves, with readers getting all the permission they've craved to step passionately into their lives, discover how they and their gifts are unique and uncover what they are meant to do! My darling loves, Michelle and Jess asked me to post this as part of The Declaration of You's BlogLovin' Tour, which I'm thrilled to participate in alongside over 100 other creative bloggers. Learn more -- and join us! -- by clicking here.
For the last few months Patrick and I have been in marriage coaching. Not therapy, coaching. Real truths, no bullshit, coaching.
In December I was sure that my marriage was over. After 19 years I didn't see that we were moving together, that there was joy in 'us' or that I could find my happy inside of where we were. I agreed to coaching because I'm a coach and I know how powerful coaching can be in changing your life.
In my journal from 19 years ago, my young self talks about losing herself in her relationship. She cries to the page about how she doesn't know how to continue to be herself.
My current self stares at one of the only things on her vision board, the number 39 and she knows that this year, 38, will be among the most life changing, full of knowing years of her life.
For 19 years there has been the deepest of love between us, but love is not something that comes with the skills attached. It is a feeling. And from that love we must learn how to live inside of it, thrive inside of it, feel it for ourselves and not get lost in it. I was lost in it.
Go through Jan, Feb, March, April, May and we land in June. Last night our coach is 'graduating' us as we have now learned major skills inside of our love and now we will continue to use these skills to further our individual happiness and desires in the world. We are learning a new way to be together with no expectation at all on the outcome of our marriage. (This is huge.)
She asks us what has made the biggest difference in our world.
"Space." Patrick says. (He says a lot more but I will keep those words his.)
When I was sure the marriage was over I found physical space, The Loft. It was part my place to find me, and part community space to guide and support other women and healers. Claiming this space was one of the most radical decisions I had ever made. I felt sure I could financially support the space but more than that it was me as a mother of three kids and married claiming a huge physical space of my own. It wasn't something written in the books about saving a marriage. It wasn't something I had ever heard of someone doing. And yet it felt like the most loving act I could make towards myself, to give myself physical space to heal, to learn, to discover me.
Patrick supported the decision each step of the way. He started to lean into the idea that making space was one of the most beautiful gifts you could give yourself and those you love. And he gave me space. And after years of attachment parenting, very little sleep and resisting living for myself I decided that I was ready to return to the place I got lost.
I entered The Loft at about age 19. Hungry for love and filling the hole I felt inside my gut.
Slowly I continued to claim space.
Tuesday night dinners alone after yoga with sushi and wine and a movie or show and a sleep-over in the most lovely bed at The Loft. Friday nights out with my girlfriend where we could talk about biz over cocktails and laugh and share stories far into the night. Taking the whole day on Sunday to work or read or see a friend or play or find more laughter. I started to feel myself move into my early twenties and then late twenties. (I think maybe that is where I am now in my growing.)
I struggled inside the space that not only I was gifting myself but that Patrick was gifting me. It was hard being alone. It was hard seeing him sad and not taking it on as my own sadness. It was hard accepting that he was giving me this space without any expectation or strings attached.
It was so fucking hard to claim that this space was part of my story towards living the gorgeous life myself.
I have been teaching women how to make space for the last two years, maybe longer without knowing it. Making space is how I re-language self care. If you do not have space you cannot fill up. You cannot be inside of ease. You cannot live gorgeously.
I have never in my life been given a greater gift than that of space. I have never given a greater gift than that of space, of learning how to make space.
When we have the space to be our most amazing, loving, real selves every relationship we have will become stronger. Starting with healing the one with our young self who only knew how lost she was from herself and longed for love that she didn't even know how to accept.
I love growing older because each number provides space inside of me. I look in the mirror with love, most days. Contributing to other's happiness is huge joy, daily. Claiming space in this world for me and the gifts I believe I was born here now to teach is the most humbling choice I make.
I am inside of a deep joy. A joy I choose. A joy that I want others to feel.
I am inside of deep healing. Lots of tears, questioning, longings.
I am inside of deep space. A claiming, a desire, a feeling.
Starting with the smallest inspired-action towards making space in your life will be a shift into joy.
It is a gift.
Space. And none of it will feel particularly easy when you start. And then it will save your life.