Make a wish. {30 days of visioning into manifesting}

 

The first time I visioned my five beautiful dreams, among them were a space of my own, a disco ball and a trip to NC. I found the feeling inside of the dreams which was freedom.

I was seeking freedom. I had yet to understand what that meant, and somehow after years of a lot of tough experiences, I was open to receiving the message of freedom.

All of those beautiful dreams came to be so fast my nervous system was struggling to keep up.

Just 24 hours after I visioned the NC trip I was opening an email with an invitation inside of it to teach at a retreat in my childhood home of North Carolina.

The space manifested as The Loft which I have held as my heart space for three years and the disco ball was one of the first items ever put inside of it.

The wish that brought the magic was of freedom. I let go of what it would look like as the dreams started to come true. I held onto freedom.

I manifested him from sticky notes, vision pages and boards and my magical man jar. (More about that in the course!)

I didn't believe he existed, this man. I didn't believe I was lovable as a single mom with three kids. But he was my wish. I visioned him down to his name and hair color. The story is wild and crazy and blows my mind when I recall all the parts.

He was my wish. And he came to me. I didn't believe it but I wished it, I felt it, I focused on it. Until the day I knew it was true. Our focus becomes our reality. Our faith lets us make our wish while still being scared of what we want. Visioning is what takes us into that future self.

My wish that brought the magic was love.

When :: March 2nd for 30 days

Why :: A wish can become our magic.

How much :: (my gift to you when you sign up for the Magic Making Circle by March 1st) or... $59.00 for 30 days of inspiration, prompts, action and a virtual space where we will play together. This will be the most amazing warm up time for the Magic Making Circle that I could think of! If you have been wondering if that circle is where you belong to love up your life right now, start here, now.

$59.00

What I will ask of you for these 30 days ::

Make space to be here. Allow yourself the faith in wishes. Use these prompts to spend time with yourself. To light up in a new way. To discover a you that may have hidden out, buried by the stresses of daily living and lost dreams.

Create magical pages, cards, boards, gifts... filled with words and visions and feelings that surround them. As you do this, you harness the vibrations of the Universe. You vibrate in a new way. These creations become a way for you to align what you want with what you have. They create manifesting magic in your life.

I am going to ask you to make wishes. Each day in the form of visioning. The wishes become the prayer dust to manifesting what we desire in our lives. Our vibration of focus is creating the path of our future self.

The feeling inside of the dreams. The secret messages. The boards holding our monthly rhythm. The surprises.

The moment we blow out the candle and whisper our wish to the Universe...

• Wishes
• ‘I am’
• Beautiful dreams
• Wantings
• Desires
• Awakenings
• Words of spirit
• Secret messages
• Blessings
• Manifesting
• Spirit Guides
• Love languages
• Love and love and more love
• The sun and stars and moon
• Storytelling into the night

Through ritualized vision work we can allow each day to guide us towards living joyously, even (especially) when things are hard or challenges arise.

What will you need ::

• A blank journal, I love Moleskine XL Cahier, but anything you love works beautifully.
• Large pieces of cardboard or poster board or a bulletin board.
• Card stock. Start collecting pieces of thick paper from packaging that comes in the mail or you can cut up thin cardboard boxes.
• Some magazines. Ask people to start saving them for you. Go to hair salons and offices and ask for their old magazines. Check out libraries for magazine sales.
• A glue stick.
• Scissors.
• Some space and time.
• Faith that playing in this way can transform your wishes into magic.

Sexy and Sanguine

What :: 2 weeks of sexy and sanguine soulwork prompts, challenges and explorations

Why :: Confidence is freaking HOT.

When :: This program will return in the FALL!

Do you truly know her?

Your rogue ecstasy, your story of fantasy, your beautiful spaces?

Have you embraced the romance of waking up in your skin?

Can you feel the sensuality inside of grey, the rawness of an orange sky, the taste of a kiss full of red wine?

Do you reflect your light in others and draw their curiosity of pleasure into you?

Have you ripened? Have you ripened?

In a past life/future life have you stood in the blossoming of your sexuality with your senses exploding, in the gift of feeling?

And from that self that was or will be can you feel her guiding you?

Are you sexy and sanguine?

Do you feel belly passion?

Can you close your eyes and paint your beauty by numbers?

Is there a knowing in your toes, your ears, your breasts that each piece of you is loved and sacred and on the journey towards whole?

Is there a candle waiting to be lit that is celebrating you, celebrating her, celebrating this gorgeous life that you have claimed?

And where can you whisper ‘oh yes. oh yes. oh yes’?

Let me take you there. To the yes. To the roughness of your edges and the dance of your awakening.

This. This is where we travel next.

Sexy :: Stimulating. Erotic. Desirable. Appealing. Hot.

Sanguine :: Bloodred. Temperament of cheerfulness. Confidence.

When I was 22 I was out walking with a friend. I had long blonde hair, worked out often, was a champion dieter, known for really good skin and living in Seattle pursuing acting, 2 years away from marriage. My friend said to me, "Whenever we are out I just watch men look at you, turn their heads."

2 days later I went to a Salon and cut off all my hair. Not in the cute or sexy-declaration-of-myself-as-a-woman way, in the I-don't-want-to-be-seen way.

It terrified me. My sexual self, at 22, she scared me. I wanted to hide from her. While many 22 year olds were out exploring their sexuality and beauty I found myself wanting to stuff it into a little box and find a hiding place for it. Part of my dieting history had so much to do with not wanting to be seen.

I was terrified of myself. Of my skin. Of my beauty. Of my yes.

This may not have been your 22 year old story. It may have happened after your marriage vows. Or when your first baby made her appearance. Maybe it was a story of a younger age or the fear of turning 50. Or maybe your sexual confidence just slowly faded as the role of young woman turned into wife, mother, worker, nurturer, tender, multi-tasker.

Confidence is alluring, hot, sexy.

Each year many of us choose a guiding word or phrase that will be the feeling we want to draw into our experiences, and it is a powerful practice. This year my guiding phrase is gracefully sexy. All to lead me further into hot confidence.

Confidence is gracefully sexy. Managing finances is gracefully sexy. Feeling delicious in your skin is gracefully sexy. Creating healthy boundaries is gracefully sexy.

Sexy and Sanguine Woman know...

• boundaries are beautiful.
• dreams come true from feelings.
• closets are sanctuaries.
• the shade of lipstick that lights them up, or the perfect lipgloss to plump.
• just when breakfast is for dinner and that bubbly can happen anytime, anywhere.
• the part of their body they always hated can actually guide their pleasure.
• pleasure.
• how to hold a gaze.
• how to receive. Really.
• how to stand in front of a mirror naked.
• to kiss and say hello before listing off complaints.
• beauty is in the details.
• how to hold space.
• feeling sexy is inside and out.
• that iterative living is gorgeous.
• how to take risks.
• saying yes is a turn on, after learning to say no.
• that listening changes everything.
• how to follow their animal spirit guide or tarot card into sacred space.
• that hot confidence is a practice.
• how to walk into a room and really see.
• how to ask the questions that flip it all around.
• that hot confidence is fierce magic.
• that an awakening is non-negotiable.

What you'll need for this course...

• A camera, iphone is great
• A journal to poem and vision in, I love Moleskines
• Some white space, clear the calendar a bit for some sexy and sanguine prompts
• A hot date, with yourself, with a girlfriend or many, with your lover... in celebration

if you travel far enough.

"If you travel far enough,

one day you will recognize yourself

coming down the road to meet you.

And you will say

YES."

~ Marion Woodward

An answer to a beautiful question...

Sometimes I wake up and I have pains from my head down my jaw and into my shoulders. Maybe sinus,maybe clenching, maybe stress but most likely all three. I should take stock in Motrin.

I get panic attacks. They have become more like waves than sitting outside the emergency room waiting for the impending heart attack. Those were last year. This year the waves.

My kids fight a lot of the time and it brings me to my knees. And then I yell and knees aren't low enough for how I fall.

I put on weight when I am in a place of unknowing, or cocooning, or feeling scared. And then looking in the mirror is hard. I do it anyway and it can feel like physical pain to know that I am back here again. Learning the same thing over and over and over.

And over. And needing the next size jeans.

I forget to drink water. I wish I could be hooked up to an IV and hydrated once a week. Sometimes I even buy a gatorade and drink it as fast as I can.

I am driving on two flat tires because making appointments to have things or teeth or body parts fixed is not my strength.

I killed my daughter's fish, got mad at Patrick last night because I didn't think he was being supportive (think being the word here) and let my 8 year old stay home because I didn't want to be alone today.

When I got my circle tattoo on my finger they didn't close the circle. I thought they did. But they didn't. And I believe it is the Universe giving me a sign and maybe someday I will close it. Or not.

Sometimes I hurt when I think friends no longer like me or don't need what I give. When I put my heart into things and then feel sad. The fear of losing relationships a constant and getting lost in that, but more than that. Knowing that it does happen and I will be OK. I will be OK.

Some days I can't find my gratitude and I feel like I complained and hid and threw tantrums.

There are memories that haunt me and cycle back into my body and I want to free them.

I am intense and it can be a lot for others to hold.

At 6pm I realize I have nothing for dinner.

This is why my hot cup of coffee each morning made for me with love is sacred.
This is why I wear beautiful jewelry every day and dress myself for how I want to feel.
This is why I pray through words, altars, surrender, tea bags, giggles, connection, texts.
This is why fresh flowers matter.
This is why I send love notes through Fb, texts, the mail, feathers, lipstick, emails.
This is why the picture of the feather my daughter drew for me reminds me that she is watching.
This is why I circle with women who believe in magic and risk and doing things that feel out of their comfort zone.
This is why I keep trying and hoping when every sign points to the shitstorm.
This is why soulwork saves my soul.
This is why there are so many pictures of me on Instagram.
This is why one bite of a chocolate cupcake wearing a vegan leather jacket can feel like a tiny piece of bliss.
This is why gratitude looks like a piece of pie or meeting your girlfriend at the mall on a Wednesday night or patience for feelings you have inside.
This is why I often send out the SOS text for a bottle of red around 5:00pm.
This is why that hug on the beach, barefoot and crying will happen. Over and over.
This is why when I find a shirt that feels like heaven on my skin I buy 4. And then 5.
This is why I don't have to ask how you feel but rather how you want to feel inside of your beautiful dreams.
This is why your stories are mine. Mine yours. And every word is precious.
This is why beautiful is one of my favorite words and joy lives in my gut.
This is why I no longer try to make everyone happy but rather live in my truth.
This is why the irony of scared and sacred isn't lost on me.
This is why there is no doubt magic exists.
This is why love takes so many shapes. Even an unclosed circle.
This is why I love this life now.
This is why I say thank you to my own heart.
This is why when I go to bed I think about who I want to be the next day.
This is why waking up to that coffee is my starting moment, with each sip telling me a story of now.

This is why.

Because it isn't happening to me, it is happening within me.

This is why.

The shifts that I can make blow my mind. So can the sadness I feel. So can the love.

This is why seeing how much beauty exists, even inside of pain, forever guides me.

This is why I travel.

This is my yes.

***

(From Thursday morning love letter from me to you. Sign up in the box up there on the right to receive your little Thursday morning love.)

My answer.

Photo Ruth Clark Photography.

#MeetMeAtTheLoft

To be clear, I am making this all up with each vision. The Loft, my best 3am wake-up, the decision that would begin my process of healing and rediscovery and give me physical space to hold others inside of healing and rediscovery.

I remember sitting inside her walls on the one piece of furniture and praying that The Loft, this leap of faith would not be a fuck up. I prayed that I realize all that I visioned and for surprises and trust and adventures.

In a sort of surrender to the next move, I find myself in her embrace. She is magical.

I hope that one day you will #MeetMeAtTheLoft

A weekend called, "Lift Up" where I gathered my friends, my soul-team and we dined on gorgeous plates, went out adventuring, co-worked on the living room floor and had our rather epic skinny dip. The "Lift Up" details I'll keep private but I believe that we each left the weekend feeling more loved, whole, real, right, playful and beautiful than when we arrived.

I have visioned living like this. Now I do. Now I can invite others to and inspire women to create their own circles of joy and lifting. It ripples. It pays forward in the most healing of ways.

Turning my attention to the downstairs, a desk set up and an entire wall to tape inspirations and press on sticky notes. I am in heaven. There is space enough for a small yoga class or a large circle. The bed feels like a cloud and the twinkles go on and on and on.

I have been visioning the space and slowly am finding the treasures that it will hold. I want you to feel seduced when you walk into this space. Seduction towards falling into yourself. Learning something that comes from the eyes or the yes of another. To circle, to expand visions for yourself. To know that ease and simplicity are underneath your feet.

I am learning to celebrate. In the past I get to the 'place' and then am quick to move on, suffering in many ways later for not pausing to acknowledge what I've created. A fear of being in my light. Of being open with my successes. A fear that I can't really feel this right now.

So now I pause. I celebrate. I stand in the mirror on the days that I work so hard to get to and I raise a glass. To myself. To this gorgeous space. To the hundreds of women who are claiming their light.

And the women who are coming to lend their voices. They are trusting. We don't know if people will come but we know that they will not leave the same. So we make these amazing nights happen. We circle. We sing. We vision. We lift.

Coming up::

More vision nights starting with "I am" night this month. (August 22nd)

#operationselfcarelikewhoa. (Early October)

Art classes. (Sept 14th)

More singing. (I mean, see that picture!)

Chocolate night.

A private weekend with my mastermind circle. (Early September)

More co-working.

An allowing of the visions to keep coming, to lead the dance. A trust that this is where I need to be. And an open invitation to you. To meet me at The Loft.

Dates and registration for events will be open in a few days.

What do you do when you arrive at one of your beautiful dreams?

“And you? When will you begin that long journey into yourself?” ~Rumi

I've arrived at several. My beautiful dreams come at me fast now, making me almost intimidated to do the work I teach; guiding women how to vision these dreams and connect to the magic inside of them.

This is a discussion we are having over in my Magic Making Mastermind Circle and I want to bring it to you. I'll wax a bit on it, but I am most interested in what you do when you arrive at one of your beautiful dreams.

How do your thoughts start to shift and how do you integrate the arrival into the place you may have been visioning for so long?

Once I have stepped into this 'new reality' to quote one of my Mastermind women, I am often quick to move on. Lingering in the celebration of it isn't always my way. There is a depth of the shadow work I have done to arrive at many beautiful dreams and I am one of those people who craves the discomfort that growth and trusting the inner voice brings.

When I was 25 I lost my first pregnancy. Then two more. A baby was my beautiful dream and I walked through shadow after shadow, deep sickness and disconnect in my marriage to finally give birth to my daughter on Sept 15, 2002. For two weeks I was pretty blissed out. Even with the extra 40 pounds I was still holding, the swelling that refused to go away and the struggles with nursing.

At the end of week two she started to cry and didn't stop for about 4 months or so. I was inside of my beautiful dream and it kind of sucked. I was sucked into a deep depression, I felt alone and scared and disconnected from everything I had known.

My beautiful dream, everything I had wanted, to be a mom, to hold my babe. Here she was and my new reality filled me with fear.

It took me a long long time to dream again. Shell shock or high-anxiety or just pure exhaustion. I loved that little being to the core of my soul and I just couldn't imagine how a dream could feel so different. Looking back I know that I wanted to be a mom because I wanted to fill a piece of myself that felt empty, raw, exposed. I believed a baby would fill it.

I wanted to feel whole.

What the baby did was become one of my greatest teachers. All of my children become deep love in my soul but never filled me up. Never made me whole. Thank God I have them, thank God I looked to be filled through them so that they are in our life.

And thank God I saw the truth inside of the dream so that I could begin to dream again. I wanted to feel whole.

From that feeling inside the dream I have visioned my way into so many new realities. Each one lifting me up, each one teaching me that feeling whole is me becoming light. And so I dip into shadows, I come out and shine stronger, brighter.

It is the Awakening that becomes a layered goddess of story and experience and squeezes me in her fiery wild circle, refusing to let me go. "This," she says, "this is where you journey to feel and become whole. This is home."

And I love her. She found me at 19 when I longed to become whole through the love of a man. She found me at 38 when I longed to become whole through the love of my soul. She walks each day with me, visions the next beautiful dream, tells me stories of home.

As I journey and dream I am learning to celebrate the manifest of the dream, of the feeling. Teaching others how to celebrate the beauty and the joy and the desire in their lives is part of this dream.

Whatever shame I held in celebrating this life I am creating is floating away, popping like the bubbles in my celebratory glass of bubbly. This was a beautiful dream. Shining so I may give permission to others to shine. That is beautiful right?

Now that I understand it is the feeling inside of the dream that guides us, I draw these visions into my life at a pace I must account for. My world has been rocked over and over.

And I am also OK with the not knowing. There are some feelings that I want and have no way of knowing how it will look. Releasing expectation.  Arriving in perfect alignment. Finding ways to be there now.

What do you do when you arrive at one of your beautiful dreams?

Breathe into it. Notice how you feel. Remember how you wanted to feel. Lean into the new reality. Be gentle with yourself. Celebrate the hell out of it. Keep visioning.

That is me. What about you?

(Spirits of Joy, the 30 day course towards creating a vision book where you will dream and dream and dream will come out of hiding for September. And the vision book will rock your whole world.)

Your touch.

In knee pile.

Forward bend with eagle arms.

Heated room. Forrest yoga.

She walks around the room pressing her hands on our lower backs and lifting us further forward, finding the space we didn't know was there. She walks to the person behind me and I hear, "I don't like to be touched."

My mind wants to understand this desire to miss what is my favorite part of the yoga practice. My heart understands the things that could make someone turn away from the assist of space finding. The hurts that must have come first.

Be present. Feel. The words from the teacher's lips guide me into stories of my own withdrawal from touch. When there is pain. When I don't want to connect in the physical world because words must be spoken first. Because I am craving the newness that comes from shattered moments of disconnect.

---

We throw off our clothes onto the dense sand, filled with shell bits that press into our feet as we step.

The air muggy. The glow from the moon giving truth to the stillness of the water. Our naked bodies glide in. Or fall in. Or slowly ease in.

Shivering. Joy. The touch of the water. Hugs from bodies we've known for years or only just met now vulnerable and open and real. Tiny bits of glowing lights surrounding us as we wave our arms under the surface of the waters.

Knowing that this a new way to be touched. By water. By other women. By being brave.

---

"I missed your lips."

Re-entry from a weekend of bliss met by touch. Fingers massaging my scalp as though telling me that the work I do, the way I have chosen to show up and lift others is seen as beauty.

My body surrendering after days of moving, doing, planning, making sure it is all just so. From the space found from her hands lifting me forward in that heated room, to the circling, to the waters of joyful baptisms to the comfort of my bed.

Surrendering into not knowing and loving that place because it is real. More real than any other place of touch I have been inside of.

---

Why space is a gift. ~ BlogLovin' Tour

The Declaration of You will rock your freaking world loves, with readers getting all the permission they've craved to step passionately into their lives, discover how they and their gifts are unique and uncover what they are meant to do! My darling loves, Michelle and Jess asked me to post this as part of The Declaration of You's BlogLovin' Tour, which I'm thrilled to participate in alongside over 100 other creative bloggers. Learn more -- and join us! -- by clicking here.

***

For the last few months Patrick and I have been in marriage coaching. Not therapy, coaching. Real truths, no bullshit, coaching. 

In December I was sure that my marriage was over. After 19 years I didn't see that we were moving together, that there was joy in 'us' or that I could find my happy inside of where we were. I agreed to coaching because I'm a coach and I know how powerful coaching can be in changing your life.

In my journal from 19 years ago, my young self talks about losing herself in her relationship. She cries to the page about how she doesn't know how to continue to be herself.

My current self stares at one of the only things on her vision board, the number 39 and she knows that this year, 38, will be among the most life changing, full of knowing years of her life.

For 19 years there has been the deepest of love between us, but love is not something that comes with the skills attached. It is a feeling. And from that love we must learn how to live inside of it, thrive inside of it, feel it for ourselves and not get lost in it. I was lost in it.

Go through Jan, Feb, March, April, May and we land in June. Last night our coach is 'graduating' us as we have now learned major skills inside of our love and now we will continue to use these skills to further our individual happiness and desires in the world. We are learning a new way to be together with no expectation at all on the outcome of our marriage. (This is huge.)

She asks us what has made the biggest difference in our world.

"Space." Patrick says. (He says a lot more but I will keep those words his.)

When I was sure the marriage was over I found physical space, The Loft. It was part my place to find me, and part community space to guide and support other women and healers. Claiming this space was one of the most radical decisions I had ever made. I felt sure I could financially support the space but more than that it was me as a mother of three kids and married claiming a huge physical space of my own. It wasn't something written in the books about saving a marriage. It wasn't something I had ever heard of someone doing. And yet it felt like the most loving act I could make towards myself, to give myself physical space to heal, to learn, to discover me.

Patrick supported the decision each step of the way. He started to lean into the idea that making space was one of the most beautiful gifts you could give yourself and those you love. And he gave me space. And after years of attachment parenting, very little sleep and resisting living for myself I decided that I was ready to return to the place I got lost.

I entered The Loft at about age 19. Hungry for love and filling the hole I felt inside my gut.

Slowly I continued to claim space.

Tuesday night dinners alone after yoga with sushi and wine and a movie or show and a sleep-over in the most lovely bed at The Loft. Friday nights out with my girlfriend where we could talk about biz over cocktails and laugh and share stories far into the night. Taking the whole day on Sunday to work or read or see a friend or play or find more laughter. I started to feel myself move into my early twenties and then late twenties. (I think maybe that is where I am now in my growing.)

I struggled inside the space that not only I was gifting myself but that Patrick was gifting me. It was hard being alone. It was hard seeing him sad and not taking it on as my own sadness. It was hard accepting that he was giving me this space without any expectation or strings attached.

It was so fucking hard to claim that this space was part of my story towards living the gorgeous life myself.

I have been teaching women how to make space for the last two years, maybe longer without knowing it. Making space is how I re-language self care. If you do not have space you cannot fill up. You cannot be inside of ease. You cannot live gorgeously.

I have never in my life been given a greater gift than that of space. I have never given a greater gift than that of space, of learning how to make space.

When we have the space to be our most amazing, loving, real selves every relationship we have will become stronger. Starting with healing the one with our young self who only knew how lost she was from herself and longed for love that she didn't even know how to accept.

I love growing older because each number provides space inside of me. I look in the mirror with love, most days. Contributing to other's happiness is huge joy, daily. Claiming space in this world for me and the gifts I believe I was born here now to teach is the most humbling choice I make.

I am inside of a deep joy. A joy I choose. A joy that I want others to feel.

I am inside of deep healing. Lots of tears, questioning, longings.

I am inside of deep space. A claiming, a desire, a feeling.

Starting with the smallest inspired-action towards making space in your life will be a shift into joy.

It is a gift.

Space. And none of it will feel particularly easy when you start. And then it will save your life.

See me.

(Photo credits. 1. Ruth Clark 2. Vivienne McMaster 3. Lori Massie 4. Vivienne McMaster

Holding their feelings in your hands.

She sends a picture of a page in her vision book in a text. It is open and free and serene. A beautiful dream about love. Instantly my mind sees the words 'open my hand.'

I text back. "You totally don't need to do anything with this, but I had this intuitive hit and saw the words 'open my hand' and you can totally do whatever you want with it."

She responds that she has no idea what it means but will think about it.

I respond that I never get intuitive hits on people's vision pages, I don't know either. Haha!

***

I wake up and feel wrong in my skin. Everything I put on feels as though it is choking me or stabbing me. Even yoga pants and my favorite huge black shirt that falls off my shoulder, just the way I usually feel at home in my body, feel wrong. I want to run, cry, scream, howl at the fucking moon for having to have been full during an eclipse or whatever is happening.

And I'm starving.

***

We lay in bed naked. The first relief I've felt from my skin all day. He rubs my skin and I feel the discomfort of the day melt.

"Tell me one of your beautiful dreams."

"Explain the prompt."

"Something that you can see, can vision within a year from now. And then you find the feeling inside of it."

His dream made me smile in its depth of simplicity. About happy.

All about moving through this world as your soul longs to see you walk.

***

We lay naked. He rubs my skin. I feel myself yield. I feel loved. I feel seen.

He wasn't trying to fix it or change it or justify it. He let me have my feelings. All day I felt wrong in my skin and I stayed with it.

I felt seen in my own truth.

***

Sarah writes a blessing each week for our Magic Making Circle. She sends this week's blessing led by the quote::

"To hold, you must first open your hand. Let go."~ Lao Tzu

I cry.

***

I send her a text. "So, I kid you not, this just was sent to me." I share the quote.

She texts back. "I kid you not. A prayer I said last night.

let me be free. let me let go of control. let me find joy and just be."

We just met a few weeks ago.

***

I go to Wordpress and open the dashboard.

A post I started over a week ago. Only the title, no words.

Holding their feelings in your hands.

***

I make a strong cup of coffee.

I sit down and type.

The story isn't how I have been learning to no longer take on others' feelings as my own.

The story is hers. And his. The intersection between the vibration of what we are learning and the spirit guides that enter.

***

I go back and find a text that another spirit guide in my life sent:

Imagine living your whole life never learning how to receive big time love and making magic?

***

We are all just walking each other home. ~ Ram Dass

***

And so it is. This fierce, fierce magic.

***

Yesterday I cried.

It took some Prosecco.

And a letter that stirred my emotions about connections and money and feelings.

I've been claiming space. Making space. Allowing space. And gifted with space.

Inside of this space I've felt less raw. More open.

I'm not crying as much. I am still always close to tears but in that delicious HSP way.

This space I've been searching for, searching for years. This knowing, this knowing that I've got this.

My dreams vivid, full of colors I never see in waking life.

There are days when I get in the car with a friend and we drive and plan and eat and lift our faces to the sun. Space. Pulling myself away from the computer where I've created deep love and success and giving myself permission to start living those things.

Feeling. Less raw. Filling in the gaps of times that never were.

The necklace I was wearing around my neck with the word light fell off the other day. It broke. And I set it down to fix it. I let it sit there for weeks.

I met a woman recently and I kept thinking of wrapping her in light. So I will fix the necklace and I will let the light carry forward.

Because when I cried yesterday I knew that I was already there.

In the light. In the space that I visioned forth. In the space that is rolling me in her beauty and guiding me in faith.

Tears of affirmation. Floating inside of fears and still paddling.

So that I may guide.

In the light.

The Loft Workshop Series:: A night of visioning

When: Wednesday, May 22, 2013 7pm - 10pm

Where: The Loft, a community workshop and retreat space for women in Rhode Island, Hope Artiste Village

What you’ll need if you are a new participant: Two or more magazines, and wine if you want to sip some while you create! A vision book will be provided for you.

What you'll need if you have taken The Spirits of Joy course: Magazines, wine if you desire it and your vision book

Sold out!!!! Thank you.

Spirits of Joy comes alive and The Loft welcomes you to feel its magic….

A night of circling, exploring, creating, expanding, visioning.

In Spirits of Joy we spent 30 days bringing prompts to life in our joy books, finding our desires and creating pages filled with the words and visions and feelings that surround them. We harnessed our manifesting magic through visioning, so we could love this life now while creating a future of our dreams.

During this visioning workshop we'll work on 3 or 4 prompts together, sharing our pages and intentions. Women holding dreams for one another is one of the most powerful forces!!! The pdf for all 30 days of prompts will be sent to everyone attending.

We will circle at The Loft and journey together through magazines, finding the words and images and feelings contained in our dreams and create pages for our joy books. Together, we’ll provide a gorgeous container for our energies and maybe sip some wine, too. It will be a night of manifesting and magic, circling and expanding.

Snacks will be provided but bring a bottle of wine to enjoy while you create and vision. There is plenty of parking, on street and in an assigned lot for the Hope Artiste Village. If you have a vision book from the online course, Spirits of Joy, please bring it!!! If this is all new to you, a vision book will be provided.

Limited, limited space available. Make sure to grab your space!

As you lose your feathers.

I taught myself how to truly live in abundance through feathers. I tell the story in my vision book workshops and I will guide the community of The August Joy Up (yes, joy up is coming, its coming!!!) in learning to understand abundance this way. For now, I'll just say feathers became my thing. Quickly I was finding feathers where there never was a bird and my life started to switch from one of lack and complaining into one of abundance and gratitude.

As a highly sensitive person I tend to wear very few things, like only 4 of the shirts in the drawer and lots of leggings and yoga pants. I find a pair of earrings and wear them every day. I find a favorite shirt and I'll have it made in black and gray and white. I crave comfort and familiarity when dressing.

During my early practice with feathers I found these gorgeous, long earrings with feathers in my color story on Etsy. They were reiki blessed and held my favorite color stones. I wore them every day. They loved me. We had a love affair. They were soft and I really never felt them but always could glance the chains and stones hanging right by my chin and neck.

In Seattle this past April I was sitting in a gorgeous French Restaurant with Persephone. We had just taught at Feast Retreat and we were having a quick meal to celebrate our time and to give me a chance to sit in a city I had left 14 years ago.

I took off my coat and brushed my hair out of my face and on one side there was no feather. I looked in my coat, on the floor. Gone.

 I felt for a moment, frozen. Persephone knew how much those earrings meant to me, how attached to 'things' I can get. We kept looking for a bit and then sat down and ordered a drink.

"OK, so what are you releasing?" Persephone asks.

I think I probably threw my head on the counter and moaned. Damn. OK. Perfect.

I can't remember what I said, if anything good at all. But the truth was that I was releasing so much.

During the retreat Liz gave me full permission to show up as my highly sensitive self. To take time away when I needed it. To truly honor my needs. I didn't think I would be able to do it but once I got there I felt such deep permission, the kind that I give others but rarely receive. One day I even went to lay down and fell asleep before lunch. I never nap, let alone in a place outside of my home.

I released being afraid of getting my needs met while around others.

I had only a very short time in Seattle, the city where I lived for 3 1/2 years from 21-24. When I was there I was inside of a lot of struggle. I had huge body image challenges, I was in and out of jobs that didn't fullfill me, I was a struggling actor, I felt so distant from myself as a woman, from my sexuality, from being seen. There were decisions I made there that I had been holding onto with regret. There was a loss of self that I could never piece into the forgiveness that I have for myself now.

Being back in the city, as this woman who has journeyed, done the work, hacked joy, fallen in love with life, being there in that moment, as this me, was healing. Because I was ready.

I released regret, old stored pain and the fear of forgiveness. And I forgave myself.

I think about someone walking down the streets of Seattle and finding this feather earring. Finding a symbol of my release. Or maybe a bird will pick it up and add it to a nest they are making. I imagine that the earring's story did not end when it fell from my ear but simply moved into the chapter titled, The Release.

Losing my feathers, molting, this is what happens when we start to fly, to soar, to grow.

Let’s shed one fear, like a bird loses a feather in flight, by stating it, naming it and letting it flow off of us as though we are birds in flight, knowing that once it drops it will become a magical gift of release…

And the person who finds your feather, she is just learning about magic. 

***

Follow up:: I contacted the woman who made me the earrings so long ago and she is creating a whole new pair of them for me. I don't know what they'll look like but my heart is happy.

***

Community Grace starts Wednesday. Are you ready???

***

In just a few days the workshop series at The Loft in Rhode Island will be launched. Get ready for serious feather releasing magic.

Space without words.

Photo credit picture 9 Lori Massie-Spriestersbach, picture 10 Vivienne McMaster

I am beautiful.

Photo by Vivienne McMaster

4% of women think they are beautiful. What kind of fucked up is that? What kind of world am I raising a gorgeous daughter in?

I cried when I told Patrick about this video as we were lying in the dark. I couldn't talk about it without kind of falling apart. This is one of the reasons I am on this earth. Because I've spent most of my life trying to say those words.

I am beautiful.

I am beautiful.

I am beautiful.

And sometimes I see a picture of myself and I feel ugly. Sometimes I wake up and I see my neck starting to show my age, even though I love the age I am. Sometimes I look at my belly and want to hide it.

But still, I am beautiful.

I am beautiful.

I am beautiful.

When I removed all magazines, tv and other forms of beauty as defined by advertisers my world changed. And while I still don't think Dove is stretching itself to the beauty that is too far out of our American comfort zones, it is a start. And I feel blessed at any sort of start.

Chloe's dad tells her she is beautiful and smart and funny. I tell her that she makes the most amazing outfits and has a style that no other 10 year old has. She never sees commercials or magazine adds (well, she sees magazines, but ones that we cut up for visioning!) or has voices coming from outside of her telling her she is not living up.

At 10 years old I already thought I was fat.

At 16 I convinced myself I should stop eating so I could feel love.

At 18 I went into therapy for the first time.

At 24 I dieted my already tiny body down to a size nothing for my wedding.

At 34 after my third baby was born I dieted down to a size 4/6 and convinced myself it wasn't really dieting, just healthing living.

At 36 I gained 20 pounds.

At 38 I declared the war over.

At 38 I knew it would be the year that my life would change forever.

At 38 I finally saw my beauty. And it surprised me.

At 38 I knew that if I could see my beauty I could guide other women to see theirs.

At 38 I believed it when someone told me I was beautiful.

At 38 I have peace when I see my reflection.

At 38 I stood in the woods and let a gorgeous photographer take pictures of my belly. (More on that soon.)

At 38 I looked in the mirror, 20 pounds over the weight I had kept myself at for years and said...

I am beautiful.

And everything changed.

There is so much work I have to do on my soul and my past and my spirit. There is so much I am learning so I can show up as a guide and writer and friend and partner and mother.

And I love the work. I will do the work. And I will ask you to show up and do your work so that if you are not in that 4%, the 4% that makes me tear up when I think about that preciously tiny number, if you are not in it - good. Because I don't want you in the 4%, I want you in the 100%, the 100% of women who know they are beautiful.

Let's raise it together. Let's show up even when it is hard. Let's show up in our beauty. In this gorgeous life.

***

Here is how I can help guide you right now into this beauty. First as part of community who lift each other up, who hold the belief that as women who are gathering inside of community we see our beauty together. We hold space for our sisters to shine in their light and allow us to shine in ours. Community Grace starts May 1st.

If you really want to rock your world in May, join my sweet friend Vivienne in her course Be Your Own Beloved. I've done it once and will do it again. Looking in your own eyes really is life changing.

Let May be the month you start to let your light shine, your beauty radiate and where you know that there are circles of women who want that for you. They want to make that space for you to step into your gorgeous life. We are only beginning.

Highly sensitive lists.

she has a fever.

i get up after she finally falls to sleep, hours of waking, 'mama my stomach hurts,' and i can't make it stop.

i clear off the tiny kitchen table that has been covered in stuff for weeks.

the coffee smells like everything. memories, joy, longings, pleasure.

where are the kids thursday, what do i leave for dinner.

without my mother, Patrick, best friends, this travel wouldn't be possible. deep gratitude for the village.

packing list. i can't forget my favorite shirts. how many boots can i cram inside the tiny red case.

little sleep the days before travel.

my mind revolves, i see the prescription for xanax that i think about filling every time before i fly. and never have.

i am about to land in a state that held my life for almost 4 years. i have changed so much.

the young girl who left 14 years ago returns as a woman.

i have curves now. babies. desires filled and filling.

tattoos now grace my skin and the long hair that was cut off there is now returning. and i adore it.

both boys sleeping on the couch as i sip the coffee and sit in the tiny kitchen. i love this kitchen.

when i asked him to leave that home that was once ours he agreed. but i know the decision hurt him. he loved it there. i was so lost.

i feel peace at the east's oceans. never as settled as i am when my feet are buried in her sand.

i feel healing at the west's oceans. my adventure, longings, excitement on her shores.

the whole house sleeps. dog snores.

i make the lists. target. art supplies. i want to go out for breakfast.

the yellow pages pull my anxieties and delights together.

let it rain on your soul. my vision board holds these words.

birds are singing. coffee cold.

he is stirring.

my stomach rumbles. i am grateful. the lists pull my wandering mind back in.

for one moment i relax. and think about what i will have for breakfast.

I am...

Spirits of Joy is a course I am currently guiding all about making a vision book. We go through 30 days of guided prompts to help shift and vision and dream and be and process and give permission. But you don't have to make a whole book, you could start with a page. I am sharing one of the most powerful prompts for myself with you today from the course, if you feel drawn to create a page, please join us and tag your picture on instagram #spiritsofjoy.

To create your page all you need is a piece of paper, magazines you can cut up, glue stick and scissors. Go into your magazine and let your I am find you. Today my I am found me, I am the stars...

***

I am.

Express who you see in your visions of you, who you know in your spirit you are.

Here is the fun part, find it! Go flip through magazines or listen to some music until you hear or see your I am appear.

(Here is a hint...you can't be wrong!)

Spirits of Joy I am from Hannah Marcotti on Vimeo.

Password:: I am

The first time I did this I let go of anything that I thought about myself. I opened up a JCREW catalog. I flipped through finding myself drawn to the words that were used in their marketing.

I saw, 'a golden one,' and my heart said, yes! I even love the comma!

I feel a light inside that I am drawing forth, I love gold jewelry, I am trying so very lovingly to release some past yucks, I am learning to stand in truth.

A golden one,

Thank you JCREW, I'll take it. Often if we let go of what we think we are looking for, what then finds us is exactly perfect.

Goodmorning Beautiful Day. A gift in April.

:: 31 days of waking up to morning affirmation, intention, permission and joy in April (one bonus email on April Eve). My gift to you.

I'm on the computer a lot. I subscribe to too many things and while my email is sort of central operations for my business I am clogged with stuff. I want my email to be a place of ease, not drowning.

I decided that I would unsubscribe to everything that comes in that I don't open and read. There are a lot of them. And as I am doing that I am seeing the words of people who I adore and desire hearing from start to stand out and I have space to receive them.

Mornings have been a place of struggle for me. I could lay in bed with coffee and not move for hours each day but my life is full of kids and animals and a business that lights me up.

I look for ways to add layers to my morning rituals to add ease. I can go out in my jammies to bring the kids to school but when I shower and take time to dress myself beautifully I feel alive, fresh, peaceful.

Starting each day with intention or prayer or inspiration or blessing is for me a life-shifter. I can find myself falling into yelling, resentment, anger, frustration so easily.

If I can grab onto one thought that allows me to vibrate in a new way, which then is like a pay-it-forward effect, each day is gently transformed.

I enter the day with love rather than anger.

I find that I have more patience and time stretches.

I am more focused (and as an adult with OCD/ADD whatever it may be labled this is huge for me) with my daily practices.

You accepting space for my words in your inbox each morning is an honor and I am humbled daily that words I write have such beautiful places to land.

This crazy thing called transparency.

I find myself sitting in Patrick's car outside the emergency room. He is rubbing my back and I am using Ujjayi Pranayama which is my comfort, my safety. He seems certain I am not dying so I try to know that I am not dying, that my heart is just experiencing some struggle. I breathe deeply the sounds of the ocean and I know I am safe.

First panic attack since November, November when my life started to shift into an awakening and it feels like living on a boat, always rocking, sometimes wild swaying, the occasional storm.

Before getting in his car both of my hands went numb and I found it hard to open and close them. My heart was beating out of rhythm. The room kept taking on a powerful white glow, similar to a moment in time when I was laboring with Chloe, when something greater than myself felt present.

He says, "I wish you could just get a cold!" I laugh. God, I do too. But this body of mine is far too clever. This body calls me out when I am stuffing in my emotions or hiding or numbing.

I got triggered by anger. I got really angry, suddenly, out of nowhere. It wasn't the anger that comes when I'm trying to avoid something, it was real true anger. I was angry about not knowing. At myself. It was the anger that you feel that moves you further up the emotional scale towards joy. If you let yourself feel it. And joy is what I seek.

I remember inside of the anger, as my heart started to beat faster, I remember thinking I need to call a friend. I need to tell someone about this anger, I need someone to hold it with me, help me process. My blood sugar was low. I was having such a nice day with my babes. I thought maybe my heart just went out of rhythm and it would pump back into normal with one more breath.

So I made a choice not to trust the anger wanting to come out. Not to trust its vulnerability of feeling and talking. I didn't want to call a time out on my Saturday with the kids to process it. I didn't want to burden another with my story, with my anger story.

I didn't want to receive. 

So my body called a time out. And I sat outside the emergency room in ocean breath with the man who has witnessed all the panic attacks and emergency room visits each time I've refused to feel and trust and we sat there together as it moved through. We are learning a new way to be together. Which is simply just being together. Accepting what is. Like that moment. We didn't place judgement on it, we let it work through, we let the panic surrender in its own timing.

In this awakening life has shifted. I feel transparent. Beautifully transparent.

I am sad and I am so fucking happy. Like happier than I've been in forever. This work I've been doing for years is the work of angels, hearts, oceans, fires. It is pulsing and dramatic as hell. It is my intensity leaning into being. This is me knowing that I love this life now.

Not everyone will live a life with the same intensity and drama and sensitivity that I do. Oh my!!! Accepting not only our way, how we move through, with Ujjayi breath or holding our breath or passsionate panting or the deep exhale and pause, but knowing that a greater source of breath exists within.

Trust.

I sat outside the emergency room and I felt a trust for this panic attack. I felt crazy transparency and not ashamed of my hands numbed or my heart wild. Patrick had googled panic attacks, even though we know, and told me how many people experience them.

I felt this connection to my Universe which is our Universe. My safety is there. My safety is within that which is breathing through me.

I breathe deeply the sounds of the ocean, and I know, I know I am safe.

***

(thank you to all of my sweet loving friends who sent me the texts and the messages checking on me. thank you.i breathe with all of you.)

Magic Making Mastermind Circle

I woke up at 4am with a jolt.

I saw a circle of women. We were change and love and fierce because we were creating together.

In this circle all of the magic that was happening would ebb and flow through a space that held beauty and faith and change. That held light.

My life in that one moment changed and I find myself sitting here now, in this space of beauty, faith and change.

I was stepping into such deep truth in my life and this was the answer that came from the surrender into faith.

The fierce, fierce magic has begun and I am assembling this circle that I visioned; that changed where I sit, how I plan, what is next.

 When I get a vision, a life changing vision I don't go slowly.

I launched an event that would circle women together inside of this magic before I had the keys to the space.

With my eyes closed I said a little (huge) prayer and then asked for faith.

Please God, please someone, tell me I'm not fucking up. (New Englanders do use the F word in prayer, it is kind of like and and the for us.)

And the voices that came back echoed over and over... trust yourself, trust yourself.

And the signs appeared as if out of bubbles of trust.

Disco balls, texts with yes, Buddha heads, smiling eyes, women radiating me to open and trust.

In a deeply personal retreat circling with soul-sisters my own words found hanging on a wall that I might have forgotten I wrote.

Fierce, fierce magic.

This is why I am here. To circle us together and show each of you your magic.

This is why circling with women is my heart's joy song.

When we have permission to see, feel and create our magic these dreams do start falling and we pay it forward and it ripples.

Yes, ripples.

 

Sitting together in virtual space and real space.

Magic making into the deepest level of care and love for who we are and what we bring to this world.

Visioning through words, images, time together.

Creating joy bubbles that flow out to those we love and support and guide.

Getting shit done.

Finding feathers where there never was a bird because we have such deep belief and faith.

Learning to receive in our circling. Allowing others to receive from us.

Circling. Magic making. The 4am wake up. And so it is.

• May, June, July, August we circle in our magic making mastermind
• 2 magic making sessions (worth $600)
• A monthly group call where we come together and talk it out, ask for clarity, support, ideas, love and we make space for our magic
• Monthly recordings with women I love who are living beautiful, successful lives (announced sooooon!)
• All calls will be recorded
• A private virtual group to connect daily
• Free enrollment into any Joy Up or Making Space programs I run through these months
• Invitation to a private live #operationselfcarelikewhoa event in August at The Loft (the very magical space) in Providence, Rhode Island
• A print of Fierce, fierce magic (stars falling) from the gorgeous Cassia

The magic making mastermind circle is for women who are dreaming of aligning the vision for their lives with the reality of those same lives.

Women who want to use their voices through writing and connecting and creating to make magic in their lives or businesses.

Women who are trying to do it all while learning to integrate living in a highly sensitive body, women who are ready to start, to begin anew, to be seen.

• Only 20 spaces in this circle, it will be intimate and intense and full of freedom 1 spot left, please email me at hello@hannahmarcotti.com to register
• Freedom is the place where you create, where your life becomes your dream
• 4am jolts of inspiration strongly encouraged in this circle
• You will step into this group and deep change will happen for you, be ready

• $200.00 a month for May, June, July and August
• An invitation to an optional private live August event at The Loft in Rhode Island (those are the stairs in the picture above)
• Limited spaces, please email me at hello@hannahmarcotti.com with questions so we can get your spot reserved!!!!
• 2 individual sessions will be scheduled where we will kick up the magic
• Group calls each month full of yeses and support and inspiration
• Recordings with kick-ass women who will inspire you to no end and who are magic
• Enrollment into any Joy Up or Making Space program held during these months
• Fierce, fierce magic

Will you show up?

“There are women who make things better... simply by showing up. There are women who make things happen. There are women who make their way. There are women who make a difference. And women who make us smile. There are women of wit and wisdom who- through strength and courage- make it through. There are women who change the world everyday... Women like you.” ~ Ashley Rice

Currently full and waitlisted for the May-August Circle. We will do it again!

Crazy love that was sprinkled on me recently from my magical tribe::

"She has a magical balance of ferocity and gentleness that speak directly to your heart while not leaving your mind out of the equation. Oh, and she rocks."

"What you do is take women who don't even know how to believe in what they already are, don't know that they should, and you give them hope, give them the tools, introduce them to a way of looking at themselves, the world, each other - that illuminates ILLUMINATES the path that we failed to notice was beneath our feet all along."

"Hannah walks her talk, follows the path so that it is illuminated for the souls she guides. She has her finger on the pulse of the universe, and embodies the sacred feminine."

"Hannah is honest, real, a storyteller, authentic, magical, passionate, gentle and tough all at the same time..."

"Hannah has a gentle way of shaking up every fibre of your being by opening your eyes to who you truly are and how you can bring yourself forward into the life (and spirit) that has always felt just out of reach. She takes your hand and guides you home, to the best possible version of your true self. Once she has touched your life, you will never be the same and you will thank the Universe every day for guiding you to her. xo"

""Hannah is a gentle guide for women, aiding them in allowing the space to see their true calling through visioning and surrender work. Her prompts are transformational, helping women unlock their own unique inner-beauty, and step into the vulnerability of owning it and sharing it."

"You are an earth goddess creating magic, aligning us all to the powers of the universe."

And I have such fierce love for every single one of those voices.

Circling. In Providence.

We came together on a Friday morning at The Loft, Headquarters of #operationselfcarelikewhoa. It was a giant sleepover, sharing of meals and guiding, visioning, yoga and healing. That was about half the stuff!

#operationselfcarelikewhoa is a movement.

#operationselfcarelikewhoa grew from a funny hashtag that I used when I was inside of a deeply transforming time of my life, leaning into the truth of self-care through space, energy and love.

The operation was born as I truly allowed myself wings. And spirit whispers. And joy. And peace. And freedom. And deep, deep truth and healing. As I was working hard. As I was learning to relax.

It was a solo operation at first and then it became a mission, a movement!

Before I left for Oregon I planned the first event for #operationselfcarelikewhoa and it sold out in 10 hours, with 5 spots being added on.

Because like whoa we need this, we crave this, we must circle with our women as part of the deep self-care work we will all be called towards. Self-care may sound like bullet points in the latest magazine telling you to get your nails done but I promise you that for most of us it is a calling towards saving our lives, saving ourselves from disappearing from our own eyes.

It is filling a hole inside.

My hole is in my gut, when I closed my eyes I saw it and felt it, it was black and empty but when I stepped into #operationselfcarelikewhoa it became transparent. It is still there but it is no longer something I fear, because now through its transparency I see me. All of me. Even those scary, raw bits that I'd rather hide in the darkness.

Like whoa.

This hole that is inside of me helps me discover my deepest cravings, it is the young wounds we carry and the searching soul.

Like whoa. 

Circling is vital to the movement. As women we crave this 'rent tent' time together where we can nurture and be nurtured in a collective wave. We want to lead and be led, touch and be touched.

Circling is a form of healing when you remove jealousy, status, competition, judgement and open space for vulnerability, nurture, love, gentle power and forgiveness.

Circling is showing up in truth and sharing what feels good.

Circling is allowing others to lay hands on your wounds and then holding that hand in gratitude and love.

Circling is the deepest form of fear for many of us who were taught that women are jealous of us and we cannot show up in our light.

Circling is the rhythm of sharing meals, fears and giggles.

The operation was fierce and we received and were held as worthy and opened and left with a new belief in ourselves. I witnessed intense, sacred moments between women during this circling that will forever allow me to move through this world knowing that circling is part of my calling and has been since I was a child.

Circling is the gift that I bring. Circling is the gift where I am receiving pieces of my healing as I share that transparent hole inside of my belly.

This journey to heal, to be whole:: lifelong. I pray that many of those days journeying will be spent in the circles of women who believe that they too have wings to fly.

Tomorrow I'll tell you about waking up and knowing that this is where I was called to bring my work. It is why The Loft (#operationselfcarelikewhoa Headquarters) was manifested within days of the vision. This is the vision that grew from hundreds of women flowing into The Joy Programs and circling together. This is the vision that will take us deeper, together, circling and soaring.