Highly sensitive lists.


highly sensitive lists

she has a fever.

i get up after she finally falls to sleep, hours of waking, 'mama my stomach hurts,' and i can't make it stop.

i clear off the tiny kitchen table that has been covered in stuff for weeks.

the coffee smells like everything. memories, joy, longings, pleasure.

where are the kids thursday, what do i leave for dinner.

without my mother, Patrick, best friends, this travel wouldn't be possible. deep gratitude for the village.

packing list. i can't forget my favorite shirts. how many boots can i cram inside the tiny red case.

little sleep the days before travel.

my mind revolves, i see the prescription for xanax that i think about filling every time before i fly. and never have.

i am about to land in a state that held my life for almost 4 years. i have changed so much.

the young girl who left 14 years ago returns as a woman.

i have curves now. babies. desires filled and filling.

tattoos now grace my skin and the long hair that was cut off there is now returning. and i adore it.

both boys sleeping on the couch as i sip the coffee and sit in the tiny kitchen. i love this kitchen.

when i asked him to leave that home that was once ours he agreed. but i know the decision hurt him. he loved it there. i was so lost.

i feel peace at the east's oceans. never as settled as i am when my feet are buried in her sand.

i feel healing at the west's oceans. my adventure, longings, excitement on her shores.

the whole house sleeps. dog snores.

i make the lists. target. art supplies. i want to go out for breakfast.

the yellow pages pull my anxieties and delights together.

let it rain on your soul. my vision board holds these words.

birds are singing. coffee cold.

he is stirring.

my stomach rumbles. i am grateful. the lists pull my wandering mind back in.

for one moment i relax. and think about what i will have for breakfast.

Travels, Time and Tahini

Photo shoot with Eli trying to take some pictures for the site.

He is so happy to have 15 pictures with mama, he even shows them to people when they come over.

Ah, I'm back to this space that does more to lift my spirits than chocolate! With the shift from my former blogspot blog and website, to my now one complete site, I am starting to relax. It has been a process that has taken me far out of my comfort zone. With amazing support from my tech guy (thank you Mike) we are working on making the site mine. It's a work in progress and one that you will watch go through ups and downs until it reaches the place where it really is me.

I am headed to Florida for a conference with The Institute For Integrative Nutrition on Friday and it doesn't feel like my life. I have never left a baby before, I know Lucas will be loved and safe and supported while I'm away, yet I won't be there for his morning nurse and I wonder what he'll think. Time means so little to children, so much to us. I will experience for the first time in almost 8 years the quiet of sleeping in a bed alone, no children, no pregnant belly, no nursing, no snoring. I wonder if I will dream, how settled will I feel being away from my family? I think of the time when Patrick and I can go away together for a couple of days; could we perhaps go to Florida together some day?

Florida is a place I have never been. Stretching my comfort zone, meeting up with incredible Health Counselors and reuniting with a friend who has made her home in this land of sun and lizards...it must be my life.

Now what will I bring to eat?

I have no picture at the moment as the batch has been devoured, but these little tahini chocolate balls are something else.

Tahini Chocolate Balls

In food processor place:

1/2 cup tahini

1/2 cup almonds, sliced or chopped

1/2 cup cashew butter

1/3 cup coconut oil

splash of vanilla

1 TB raw honey or maple syrup (only if needed)

6 dates, soaked for 2 hours, water discarded

Blend it up, remove and place into bowl. Using 70% or higher dark chocolate, mix in 1/3 cup chocolate bits. (I used a knife and thinly shaved the chocolate bar)

Roll into balls using about 1 TB of dough per ball. Place on a tray and freeze.