because i never finish anything. because dishes sit in the sink. because i allow every book to go unread. because i am lazy. because i left him. because i keep gaining the same 10 pounds over and over. because i am never enough. and too much. because i fight. because my feelings are wrong again. because i can't meet my own needs. because my comfort is inside of struggle. because sabotage feels better than the truth of what i feel. because my wanting to be taken care of is weakness. because my heart keeps getting broken. because i didn't earn it. because i suck at this. all of this. because every time something good comes there is an equal and opposite reaction. because i am broken. because i am so tired. and can't sleep. because all of this change hurts. .......
the amount of reasons i don't deserve are piles around me.
i am sorting through them. recycling. throwing out. tucking some aside for later examination.
i am asking how i found myself inside this amazing life of freedom and self motivation with all these stories, and all of this fear.
i am understanding my tangling with fear is part of who i have become. and am becoming again.
i am looking to connect the dots of my time line, to understand how each piece fits into the next.
i keep testing him to see if he will run. he keeps testing me to see if i can hold all of him. we are pushing against and yet tied together with an invisible thread sewn by god and faith and dreams.
i made the list of why i don't deserve. and today as this love letter floats out into the inboxes of 3,000 people who sit on the other side of each of my musings, my future self will be stepping off the plane.
"you are sabotaging the trip aren't you?"
yes. without a doubt.
today i will be on the trip i don't deserve. for all the reasons that have sat in heavy piles.
i will become the one who let herself be taken care of and loved as she pays it forward with nurture and love. all i have ever wanted, and now my biggest fear. letting him take care of me.
today i will cross over the piles of why i don't deserve so i can see the ground underneath them.
my feet will be in the sand. my heart will be opening, again.
and i will be in mexico.