i fell apart last night. one dash pms. one dash sickness. one dash feeling lonely while being sick. one dash entering into a huge unknown.
in a few months i will be stepping into my new life. a life that manifested from a story i long to tell. soon.
i haven't been praying in the morning. my warm coffee in hand, my quiet prayer for the day. lost inside the chaos of school vacation and christmas plans and a sickness that keeps swirling around my family.
prayer is my love note. prayer is how i stop feeling sorry for myself. prayer is a gift to the vibration of the day. prayer is vulnerable. prayer is surrender.
holding so tight to fears. so last night he says it is time to talk about it. and we did. and i cried. and fell apart. i still don't know how to talk when i am in fear. i am still afraid that i will trigger a fight or anger.
i am learning to talk. to feel safe inside the fear. but shit, it is so so hard.
prayer is my love note. safety is my prayer.
there is so much to surrender and i continue to hold on too tight and this body of mine can't breathe.
as we are journeying together into this new life we are in the space between. i am learning to surrender my need to be right. i am learning to surrender the fear of anger. i am learning to surrender to having to do it all alone.
i am learning to let go of always feeling like i am failing.
prayer as love note. knowing each other, learning, being vulnerable in the asking. sometimes it is the fear of the answers. i want to surrender into deep connection. a connection i have never known before until now.
what do you appreciate most that i do for you? what desires do you have around us as partners? what touch do i give you that is your favorite? what touch do you crave? what do you need when you walk in the door after work? what do i do that most shows you my respect and admiration (masculine) adoration and protection (feminine)? when you are in fear how can i show up for you and hold you? what do i say or do that makes you feel like you are the most important person in the universe to me? what would you like more of from me (time, touch, words, etc)? what one thing can i support you with to ease your overwhelm? what is one celebration around anything you would like to have together? what do you see us doing together in one year? what is the thing i cook for you that you most look forward to? what brings you the most pleasure? what do you need more of from me? less of? what ways do/can i help you feel safe?
safety as prayer.
put each of these questions onto small strips of paper and keep them in a tiny bowl or jar.
ask one in a quiet moment. let your partner choose one. pick a few for a long car ride. use one as word foreplay while you sit together naked and cuddling. ask one after you make love. pour a glass of wine as dinner cooks and really listen to an answer.
let the answers come to you as prayer. really listen when they speak. hold their gaze. touch their leg or arm if that grounds them. think of other questions. add them in.
ask the questions to yourself. are you resentful because you aren't getting more time or touch? close your eyes and instead of the resentment listen to the question...what would you like more of from me? let the answer soften you. pray as love note. surrender. find the safety in listening. in talking. in asking. in answering.