There is a row of birch trees lining one part of the lake that we like to play around and take pictures at magic hour. All four kids (the teenage fifth often does not join us) sing and dance on the thin little strip of road that now joins the island to land. This one spot feels like freedom to me.
And I am afraid of losing all of it. I am afraid of losing the family we are growing. I am afraid of the judgment being thrown in my direction because I am so different than anything that part of his life was accustomed to. I am afraid of our conflict and struggles, holding on to old old patterns that we are unable to break on our own.
My seven year old is being bullied at school because of his shoes. They aren't up to standard it seems. I took him shopping for new shoes, before knowing this, but suspecting. He wanted shoes that tied so I guessed he was being picked on for the velcro. After trying on every pair in the store thoughtfully and with laps down the aisle to test them out, he settled on a pair.
He kept smelling them for the new shoe smell. He couldn't stop touching them and talking about them. He wore them to school and was bullied worse. He was punched in the feet and kids stepped on his shoes all day, making them dirty and hurting his heart.
And I am afraid I can't protect him. Make it better. I am afraid that I am the mama bear who loses her cub. I am afraid that this is just the beginning of something that will become much worse.
In less than two months I will be moving out of The Loft. My furniture will go in storage and I will stay at the magic lake with the kids for the summer while they have their camp adventures. When August starts to wind down I am trusting that my next home will be known. I have an entire huge vision board all about home and space and 'the tale of a house.' I have some crazy new dreams around what will come next.
And I am afraid that I won't be able to manifest it. I am afraid of dreaming bigger, again. I am afraid that how I want to feel inside of this new life will be blocked by my fear of not deserving. I am afraid of not being able to provide for my children as a single parent.
The truth is that I manifested the most amazing human being to come into my life to challenge me to work on healing parts of myself that have been crying out for years. And I believe I am here to challenge him around his. The truth is, this kind of intense love and intense history of fear and loss is hard shit to be inside of.
The truth is I want nothing more than to love him and care for him and become so much more beautiful and truthful and vulnerable inside of that love.
And the truth is that my little one's story of bullying is not mine. This is his journey and he is learning to make choices and understand his feelings and I can provide him with the tools and the support and be a mama bear in all the right places around this.
The truth is watching the innocence fade because you can never go back hurts my heart. Because I remember it. This is him walking into his next iteration. As I stand as close as he will let, while he leads. And I trust his steps.
And the truth is that home is my container of safety and beauty and where I work. I am a lover of my space, the textures, the pillows, the arrangement of beauty on the walls and the dishes stacked just so. It is where I love and nurture and host and play and create.
The truth is manifesting this space is part of the freedom that I have claimed. And I am really good at manifesting. Like, really good. The truth is, I will find this home and it will become part of the joy and ease and surrender.
And the truth is that I am exhausted. Deep in my bones, down to my toes and in my elbows and dreams, exhausted. The truth is I can't do this all alone. The truth is I don't want to. The truth is I am ready to now peel away the next layer of my fear, by standing in it. Telling the truth of the fear. And the truth of the truth on the other side of the fear.
I can feel the other side. It is pulsing below my feet.
And we walk down to the birch trees. I root down into the magic. The fear. The truth that must be told so the future will be born of the dreams of love and trust and home. I am afraid. While I trust each step under my feet.