Motivation and bravery.

I spent the weeks before the photo shoot running a lot.

The last year my body had changed in dramatic ways, matching the drama I was feeling in my life I suppose.

My cycle had changed as I welcomed a child into a young woman under my roof, her cycle holding the more powerful force, clearly.

My body wasn't fitting its clothes anymore and I felt like poop. Poop emoticon used many a time.

My metabolism, already slowed, came to a screeching halt, as happens to many my age who also find themselves slowing down their pace, no longer chasing after toddlers and working more on the computer. Read :: sitting on the bum.

I need motivation, deadlines, a reason. I am self motivated for sure in my work, so matching my body feeling good up to my work became a tiny secret weapon.

Photo shoot with Catherine Just in Portland, Oregon in July. Bam. Deadline. Motivation. Put a chunk of cash down and know that it will be real soon.

The running had already become part of my deep desire for quenching my thirst. But now I had a way to challenge myself and see if I could change into a high functioning, beautiful feeling, filled with light and energy body. I had tried before and failed. Being no stranger to failure, I knew I hadn't stumbled on the right 'formula' for myself yet.

One day I realized that there was this huge mental block that had been stopping me from shifting my body into a more sensual feeling/looking place, and it stopped me with shivers.

For the last few years I had been living trying not to diet. Not dieting equated with not losing weight. So I gained weight and refused to allow myself to lose any.

BIG! What???

Learning to live as a person who does not severely restrict their food creates this huge pendulum swing for many of us. We want to rid ourselves of disordered eating but it can go so far to the other side. Then we are stuck on the opposite end in refusal to make any move to change our body, for fear that we will fall right down the hole into our disorder.

I had to sit with myself and ask if I would be able to handle to emotional component of losing weight. Would I be able to lose weight and feel proud, strong and beautiful? In control but not controlling?

The past two years I have felt myself falling deeper in love with my skin, my body, who I am. I have been on a path to heal pieces that had been shoved down deep, to layers where I could only feel them in my physical body, but not my heart and spirit.

With this love was I ready to watch my body transform into what would represent a physical form I could feel proud of, walk inside of with joy and allow to become my guide?

I felt so flipping ready.

So I ran. Ate intuitively. Let myself experience hunger when I felt sad and alone rather than filling the hunger with constant feedings that my body no longer needed.

Feeling hungry gave myself space to realize how thirsty I was and to drink glass after glass of water to quench this deep thirst I had been holding onto for so many years.

I became waves as I ran, drank my water and let some pains become mirrors for my physical body.

This was not controlling my pain with control, it was controlling the slow ease back into feeling it all, quieted and dehydrated for so long as way to keep time with choices and changes.

You remember being a kid and you would say, "I'm hungry!!!" And you would hear the soft words back... you might be thirsty, have some water first.

I tried it. Turns out those soft words are usually right. You might be thirsty but hunger is so familiar to us, so comfortable almost. We know how to feed, and feed and feed, repeat.

Thirst is sensual, alive, raw, moving. It is our moon and waves and blood and the element of spiritual regeneration. It is psychic and love.

I avoided water on my skin and inside of me. I don't like showering until I am in the shower, once every 3-ish days. I love being at the ocean edge but not jumping into the waves.

I held myself back from water and became so fucking thirsty.

My intuition, my love, my flow was being drawn out and replaced only in the smallest amounts.

So I ran. Drank. Peed a hell of a lot. Figured out what I needed. And watched my body start to shift, change, become fit and strong.

I found a love for my hunger, my thirst, my needs.

Soup is my favorite way to feed myself. Some protein, veggies, broth, salt.

I went to Portland for my photo shoot and held a bravery in my body that came from holding myself, my layers, my joys, my pains, my deep desires to know my intuition and choices belong to me.

Permission to change. To iterate. To begin again each morning in full knowing that you are brilliant and beautiful and to make movement from that knowing.

Catherine is permission behind her camera. She already sees you as brilliant and beautiful and coaxes it out towards her lens.

She returns the investments you have put into yourself through photo.

Photos that will redesign how you see you.

Those weeks before the photo shoot so much happened. All the stories won't be poured out onto this page.

Look at the photos, the stories lay inside of them, words not needed to show the journey of who I was becoming as I stood (or laid) for Catherine's camera.

......

Join me and now over 600 women for a free challenge :: A Woman's Thirst :: A 40 day adventure in hydration, movement and failure.

The hush of a woman in business.

"I need to feel myself in my skin again," the woman said.

......

I couldn't remember the last time I baked cookies in my kitchen.

All the baking sheets caked with grease and needing replacing. The walls smaller. The white paint turned grey from the living of little hands, boy dirt (quite unique stuff) and neglected cleaning supplies.

Realities of three children readying for the next stages of development (she is babysitting and menstruating, he is making his own noodle packets and talking about girls, he is scootering around the block and eating every 5 minutes and laughing manically). Holding onto the snuggles of the last one who still feels almost baby like to my body. He leans into me and twirls my hair.

Watching my hands present light brown age spots.

I make a truly fine chocolate chip cookie.

......

Her friends came and the celebration wasn't. She could feel the end of what was, making space for the next. Doorways hurt her in places she doesn't realize she has. She knew that each had carried the other to the place where freedom and love release the old bits.

They all felt the fear, gave it voice and expanded.

Her needing was replaced with longings for a new edge.

......

The quieting of my voice, my fingers always typing it as fast as the moments revealed, became my prayer. The quieting so I could hear something greater than my ego. I don't need an answer. I feel the truth of decades of women looking down at the spots on their hands and knowing that the wisdom is to quiet the questions and feel the day, if just for moments.

Laundry asks no questions. Cookie dough forming into balls pressed onto cold baking sheets asks no questions. Fresh white paint is creation and calm. The meditation of morning coffee as an act of service. A love language. A reminder to stop asking what will happen and just sip.

The little just asked me for more food. After granola bars, peaches, toast and milk. I am his answer.

......

She said, "You never said that to me before." Then the woman fell back into questions, reached her hand into the deep, deep pockets sourced with pleasure.

......

All my visioning circled around movement, peeling and the rise.

She couldn't feel herself in her own skin but I must. Can the words "I'm sorry" release pain into new desires? As summer teases and the wardrobe starts to change, more skin revealed from the layers, will the feeling be of touch?

......

"My fingers want to type my heart again." She had sipped her tears in the hush and the words once again felt like the happiness of the sun.

An open invitation.

I choose white sheets and duvet covers, despite the children and dog.

I love the sexy wash of white touched with fluffy invitations to surrender.

Just the right pillows to prop back with coffee in the morning and melt into at night.

Mixed patterns, always changing with my mood.

A present self nurturing and smiling at the future self.

Perspective shifts from opening space and beauty.

The three minutes of care and time. Peace with every glance.

The woman sipping coffee sending love to the one with tired bones and full moments seen.

The woman thinking of her lover as she puts a tiny bit of her favorite scent on his pillow.

The woman walking by the room each day wishing she could just pause and take the time, taking the time. Today.

The woman who knows how she wants to feel at the end of the day finding it now.

The woman creating her rituals to keep time with her visions.

The woman leaning into a sexiness that with one glance you can feel down to your toes.

The woman who is practicing not to leap, but to simply sip her coffee, make her bed, look at her own eyes in the mirror and create a doorway for who she is becoming.

***

 

From Sexy and Sanguine. Want more? Join us.

I am inviting some of my special sexy friends and colleagues to join each day of the prompts with something special of their own. I'll tell you who they all are soon!

When the quiet seeks you.

"When the going gets tough, the tough get going - but the enlightened? They surrender."   Martha Beck

when you want to spend the day sipping miso broth and making videos in pink lipstick and he throws up all over your bed.

the time you think you are being open to their needs. and receiving. and it turns out you were blocking it all.

the to-do's and stresses piled high like a stack of papers balancing for this moment, but if you look away, falling, spilling, everywhere.

hormones. hemorrhoids. weak bladder. red tent desires.

the moment you realize you must make the decision about their life. you can see it in their eyes. and know.

the dreams about babies and water and your fish dying. circle of life. waking up with tears.

the spirit guide pointing you in a direction you never wanted. or did you?

and so...

bake the cookies.

eat them warm.

snuggle him and use hot cloths.

map it out. see it.

practice

surrender

practice.

bake the cookies.

eat them warm.

***

We will be moving into the practice and the surrender. Starting on the full moon, October 18th. We will be having some wild, free, sexy kinds of fun. And maybe making cookies.

My favorite chocolate chip cookies:

1 jar nut butter
2 eggs
1 1/2 tsp baking soda
1 1/4 cup palm sugar
1/2 (or more) of dark chocolate chips
1 TB vanilla

So simple, preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper. Place the dough on the sheet in TB sized scoops. Gently pat each one down a bit. Dough will be sticky. Cook for 8-10 minutes. They will continue cooking when you take them out so err on the side of looking a bit under done.

When we make these with peanut butter, we use tsp sized scoops, making a smaller cookie. They tend to be more moist when made smaller. When making these for ice cream sandwiches you want to make sure they do not get too crispy. Cook them on the shorter side, allow to cool really well and then carefully put softened ice cream on the underside of one cookie. Gently place another cookie on the top, wrap in parchment paper or put in a glass container into the freezer.

Love Note to Britta.

When I launched Spirits of Joy last September, on my birthday, in gift form as part of my practice of gratitude, over 600 women signed up in one day. I didn't even have the head space to take in that kind of number. My paid programs can hit about 200 over the course of a month and despite the fact that it was a gift it is still a powerful exchange of energy to sign up for a course, and it felt really big.

Big in a way that I wasn't sure I was ready to hold the bigness.

I had the bones of the course but needed to fill it in and simplify it for the 30 days. Every time I would sit down to write I would go blank, numb out or start crying.

I skyped with my coach Britta.

I cried into my cloth napkin. I was in an upper limit crisis and she held it with me. Softly we talked about my fear of being so seen and witnessed and that now every word felt like it was being judged or held infront of eyes that would surely tell me I was a fake. I cried more.

This is a place we will all get to, most likely not just once. When we move past what we have held as limiting beliefs and into what we at a soullular level have always known to be true.

She had me send her some test letters from the program. And each one I sent she explained why it worked, why it was exactly as it should be, why I didn't need to push any harder.

I manifested my coach into my life.

A couple years ago I connected with a publisher or book agent or something (I can't remember) who lived in the town Britta lives. I remember adding to my visions that I would work on my book, my writing, my message in word form with a woman from this town. I couldn't remember her name or website so she was really indescript.

Britta came into my life through one of my Joy Up programs.

One day shortly after she became a book coach. We have been coaching each other since. This woman from this town who is helping me with my message in word form. I like to say I manifested her. She is also one of my best friends. We match.

My book coach is having a baby. Well, two babies actually.

Her family of four will soon be six and I am wrapping them in love bubbles as I know how this transition will feel a bit like my upper limit and last a hell of a lot longer. You know the thing you've wanted so deeply and then you get even more than you expected? Like that. I imagine twins can feel like that.

I am in a place of transition and discovery and bigness in so many ways right now, in this moment.

My coach sends me notes to let me know I am being seen and has taught me how to share more details so that I can connect to my readers in the way I long for, they long for.

She breaks shit down for me that I could never see. Each time I see an email from her it is like opening a love note (my love language is words of affirmation) and I trust her to guide me closer and closer to my book.

One day we had a drink together in her magical town.

She asked me one question that changed everything in my life and allowed me to move into my truth. (For now I keep that detail my own!) That was us as friends, thank you Universe for friends like that.

This is my love note to Britta.

Britta, the way I write, the way I show up in this world is forever altered and my spirit feels her wings because one day I manifested you, from your town, to help me share my message through words.

Damn, I visioned that one right.

When I launched Spirits of Joy again, this time as a paid program, I was able to look back at the last 5 ish months and see and feel the bigness. I remembered the cloth napkin I cried into. I saw the women in my mind who showed up for themselves and started to learn how magical visioning is.

And I needed to say thank you.

Looking back at you.

I asked Patrick if he remembered the first time he saw me. I knew he did of course because he has told me the story many times. We were both in the theatre department and there was a party at a house out in the woods and all of us were gathering together for rides to the house.

I was coming out of a horrible heart-break but determined to get myself up and dressed and out to this party, the last before summer. I was 18 years old for reference! I started over to the meeting spot and I do remember him sitting in the back of a truck or something. Right about the same time the person who broke my heart showed up. Needless to say I didn't go to the party. I think I ran back to my dorm as fast as I could. Details of the heart-break not shared but I will say it was so completely devestating, even as I look back on it. I can't believe such a young soul had to be inside such sadness.

But Patrick will say he saw me and was really pleased I would be at the party. He said he thought I was beautiful but in such a different way than other people. He tells the story with words about how my style and who I was didn't seem the same as other 18 year olds. I wore a scarf every day, huge earrings, layers, hats...

He was bumming that I didn't go to the party.

My sense of self was so strong when I was younger. I remember it. I remember the feeling of being 19. I have always known how deeply our style translates who we are to people faster than words. It was how I communicated with my surroundings. No one was talking about HSP or females with ADD and I had yet to have my first panic attack.

The layers provided me with gentle comfort. The scarves held me grounded. The jewelry centering. I remember I used to come back to my dorm for a nap each day and I would strip off the layers down to leggings and a bodysuit. Oh yes, I said body suit, every day. (It was the 90's!)

As Patrick and I are both seeking healing in our own lives and in our relationship we find it so helpful to look back. To remember. To find the connections not just to our togetherness but to who we were.

To remember what we loved.

To remember what felt good.

To remember what made us laugh.

To remember the kind of people we loved spending time with.

To remember our why-s.

To remember our passion.

To remember our style.

To remember our movements.

Our dance.

Our spirit.

Our me.

At some point, I don't remember quite when, maybe when I got my first job and had to wear a uniform, or when I started to make decisions that went against my heart and gut, or when I was going through that slightly painful decade(s) of growing up - I started to disconnect. I do believe we are born with all of our answers and truths but the journey we are on is how we unearth them. I don't believe that journey is supposed to be free of mistakes or loss or regrets or missteps.

How could we reach these beautiful places without going through the whole emotional scale? The reason I believe in joy so deeply is because I believe in all emotions, all feelings and their validity to our purpose, to our being.

Every time I think how calm and slightly easy my life seems to be something happens. I go into the shake-up, the crazy-making, the lesson-learning, the heart-expanding.

These last 4 or 5 years have been about the journey back to me. Connecting back to the passion of that 19 year old girl in a woman's body with so much less fear. With a confidence that can only come with the seasoning of the soul. I've always felt like an old soul whose mission was to relearn and then guide others once I found the inner wisdom.

What I am asking of you is this:: Look back at you.

Grab yourself at any age where you felt connected and wise and free. When you climbed mountains or went on road trips or ran around on the beach in the nude. Free.

Don't go back and look at your mistakes, you've already grabbed the wisdom from them. Don't focus on regrets, they are spirit eaters. Don't blame. Dear me, don't blame others or yourself. That is baggage for the heart sad. We want heart happy.

That 19 year old wanted her nose pierced and to have tattoos and to live in NYC. She wanted to be madly in love inside of a passionate love affair and no marriage certificate. She desired becoming a mama always. She couldn't remember why she ever put down the guitar or was too afraid to take singing lessons. She always thought about belly dancing. A road trip across the United States made her tingle. She spent so much time thinking about rearranging furniture and going on auditions. She craved time barefoot in gardens and lying in the sun letting the Vit D soak into her skin. She loved making people feel good.

Now at 38 I can go back to her desires and align them with the me now. The strength that has come with the journey allows me to look back at her desires and peek at them next to my desires now. Part of my visioning process comes from her wishes too. She is me. I am her.

Look back at you.

Take the time to remember. Throw out the should-of could-of crap. You are you now.

White space. Beautiful canvas. Emerging feminine. Desirous spirit.

Go.

Making space for blessings, wishes...

December 1st we start to dance in the magic of the holiday and spend time with magic, blessings, ritual, letters from the heart, soulwork, reindeer (or bird) magical food, handmade stars, the beautiful smells of pie and more sprinklings of joy.

Join me along with members of the joy tribe on Thursday, November 29th at 8:30 pm Eastern Time as we kick off the Holiday Joy Up with words, meditation, stories of past joy ups and the inspiration for stepping into the Holiday with softness.

I've had a little thought playing in my head of joining some of the voices of the joy tribe together in this way and when I asked them, there was a resounding yes. Grab your eggnog and candy canes and meet us virtually from your cozy house in your jammies as we ring in the joy.

Yes, there will be magic.

Exhaling the truth.

You may not believe me when I say my mornings are really tough until you realize that I wake up just like you. I have three kids under 10 and if you have children you may understand waking up to more expectations of you then you feel capable of meeting. Yes, there are giggles and there is joy but it is hard work. Often exhausting.

And I wonder where I fit into that puzzle. I wonder where my marriage fits into all of it. Maybe you wonder too.

Recently Patrick spent the week at home with me and I realized how deeply, deeply I miss him. Our lives are so separate from what were once lives in constant rhythm.

And I wonder how to heal that now, not in 5 years when the kids are older. Maybe you wonder too.

You may think that the me you see here, in these spaces is me until you realize I am just like you, everyone of us who have online personalities are more than what we ever show here. This is our persona, no matter how hard we try to bring you the truth, it will always be limited.

And I wonder how to align the different parts of myself, so that there is less of a gap between the me that shows up here and the me that lives in real time. Maybe you wonder too.

You may think I have patience and never eat just a small bag of potato chips I grabbed at the gas station for lunch until you realize that we all have so many unseen unspoken moments. We are going at a pace towards the change we long for and sometimes baked lays just taste so freaking good when we are too tired to make a salad.

And I wonder what it would be like if we could share more of those moments and start to bridge the gaps of perception and reality. Maybe you wonder too.

You may think you see me. I may think I see you.

And we do. We see pieces of each other. Part of the work we are doing is learning how to fit these pieces together, make them flow together even when they don't fit. Even when they make us angry or wanting to be something entirely transformed.

What I love about this life is that at any moment I can change. I can make a choice to feel differently. I can drop the anger. I can find new words. I can cut my hair or grow it longer than its ever been. I can wear feathers, get a tattoo, sell everything I own and move across the country. Somehow. There is always the somehow. There is always a way to change, to choose, to grow, to evolve.

And I wonder if you feel the gap closing in your own world and if you can see me more clearly each time we exhale the truth.

This Tiny Life ~ Part 1, The Kitchen

How a woman with a family of 5 came to live in a 900 square foot home and captured the gift of joy and living in the now.

We start in the kitchen.

There is a story behind every program, every offer, every blog post, newsletter or picture of mine. Or of yours. I live for the story. I breathe the story. Story is my muse. The Making Space Cleanse is one such story. A story of falling in love with the life we have so that we can live the life of our dreams. This little 10 day program is the heart of how I strive to live, to create, to guide.

This is a story of space.

This is a story of a tiny house that I fell in love with when we were a young family with just my Chloe who was two years old. This house was to be the one we fixed up, flipped and sold within 5 years. 8 years later I look around and a whole lot of fixing up is left and selling is something that appears to us in a distant place.

A few years ago after Lucas was born I would have the occasional visitor remark on how small the house was and how they couldn't believe we still lived here. I was filled with shame. Shame for my choices, shame for not having fixed it up enough, shame to have people in my world who said those things to me. I stopped having people over. Combine a small house, shame and a third child who required a huge amount of my attention and I was really exhausted.

Shame makes you mad and resentful for what you have. It took me a long time to move through that word. So many layers helped me move through the shame of my home and into the now. That is how my program was born. From the life I was living. Still live. And believe deeply in.

The now is that this is my house. The house I fell in love with.

I remember taking a walk in our neighborhood when Chloe was almost two, or maybe just two. We had been looking at houses but anything in our price range guaranteed there would be holes in the floor and lead paint peeling all over. We looked at houses where they didn't even remove their 600 pound snake from the bedroom because someone would buy the house.

The day of our walk we turn the corner from our apartment and we see piles of garbage in front of a tiny little bungalow. We knew this house would have a for sale sign within days. We were the first people to look at it, no holes in the floor. Lots of work, but good bones. We couldn't do major renovations, every penny went into buying.

I saw what I could do with that sweet home with a yard for Chloe to play in. I saw freedom from volatile landlords and paint colors of my choosing. I saw my first home. I saw myself growing up, feeling like an adult.

And so we bought the little bungalow. My tiny life became one of the most amazing teachers I would ever find.

As more children have come into our life the house does feel smaller. We bump into each other and fight over the one small bathroom. When someone is making lunch in the kitchen it is hard to have more people wander in and fill up water bottles or pour cereal because there just isn't that physical space to do it.

I can get so crabby without space. My physical world became my guide for how our connected our minds and our stuff are. The more I started to make space, the more I found that space inside of myself. Shame was replaced with joy. I worked really hard for that one. This is the only way I can guide anyone to make space, because I have studied it, practiced it and come up against it every single day.

I started to focus on less stuff and sought out simplifying and ritual. Making Space became my daily mantra. I painted the kitchen white and spent so much time deciding what would be part of that space. The most amazing shelf from Ikea to hold cups. I took the cupboard doors off to give the illusion of space and so I could see my dishes. Only dished I loved allowed to stay.

White space became the truth of the home.

Those beautiful cloud white walls spread to other rooms in the house. It felt fresh, open and as though I could actually alter my perception of space with such simple gestures.

White walls, only art and pictures I love. The kitchen became my art gallery of sorts. It holds my vision board, gorgeous ceramics, lots of jars and vases. I think about every magnet on the fridge and paper that clutters up space. We got rid of things like electric coffee makers and use a chemex because it is small and also beautiful. We have food for one week, no storage.

Yes, it is so small. We are a large family. I am always brought back to one of the first lessons in joy that I learned. Stories about people who would seek out bigger, more, better but never feel more joy. They had more cars, money and huge houses but often could not cure the deep sadness or longing they had inside with all of that stuff.

Making Space is to me living in our now while preparing for the waves of joy and gratitude that come as we start to live as the person we desire to be. We energetically align the more space we make in our hearts, homes and minds.

Stuff can be lovely. I love my jewelry and throw pillows. But space? Space makes me giddy. Clean dishes and the garbage taken out and a plan for dinner tomorrow gives me the freedom I need to enjoy my life now. It opens me up to be creative and sexy and fun! I feel really sexy with a glass of wine at night, a clean kitchen and my favorite jammie pants. No joke.

When I am making space my body glows. When I'm making space I connect truthfully.

Making Space is my mantra. Now you've met my kitchen. It is tiny but it is part of my tiny life that I make space for each day.

That is the first part of the story. The white walls of a kitchen. The daily mantra. Behind the scenes of how I create my work from the life I live. I might show you my throw pillows in part 2.

WDS Magic - Images

* This bed was my most delightful friend. I was beyond proud of myself that my business paid for my trip and hosted me in this gorgeous room on a pillow that felt like a cloud must feel to the angels. That bed was my healing, my softness, my joy.

* Surrounded by a thousand people who already know you and believe in you is magic. This is community, tribe, joy.

* I was really nervous to show up by myself and was wrapped in the arms of Portland and women who let me be me. Completely. Nerves and all. They let me see my own magic in a fresh way.

* Andrea asked us about our superpowers. One of mine is that I get shit done. Our story is just beginning and I adore the time I spent in her energy. Her workshop started a little dream of what I might be able to bring to WDS in years ahead.

* From the balloon hat and ukelele you can see this wasn't just any old conference. Michelle's story is heart-centered magic. Do you know what my degree is in? Theatre Arts. In my heart I love being on stage and also watching those who stand before me. Shining.

* Love this woman. Time with Rachel was so on my to-do list.

* Green juice under the bamboo. How I started and how I ended my time in Portland. If you go, have the Melody juice and anything in a bowl.

 * The first gathering of the weekend brought me this gal, Tiffany. We had on our heart shaped name tags and our connection was instant magic.

* A thousand people up and singing with Brené and Chris. And dancing. And tears.

* I was all nerves as I headed to an intimate gathering that I was honored to be invited to. As I started out these hearts met my feet. Thank you Universe. When I showed up at Kelly's studio I understood why I was there and how my purpose was deepening. Kelly slipped right into my heart and I feel as if we've been together before. Sometimes it is that easy. Magic.

Magic. And damn how I love heart-centered business.

Highly Sensitive Unpacking

I return with vintage cowgirl boots, memories of hugs and laughter, magical moments in auditoriums and holding a glass of wine, chipped nail polish, frizzy hair and the deep desire to start something brand new.

Traveling light was not learned this trip, though now I know you really don't need heels in Oregon. Weird to this East Coast girl being at a conference with the most casual footwear ever. I eventually ended up in my walking shoes. Doing lots of walking. Only one blister.

The conference was one where I could tweet, cried my way through the conference, and have people tweet back, me too - there should be a HSP section in the seating to share kleenex. This is where we connect. Every now and then you need to be in a place where you don't once have to explain yourself or your work because 1,000 people know and get you. Just because you are standing in that hallway with them.

I am unpacking thoughts and inspiration of how to create more of this in my work. More community, unity, that sense that you are understood just by showing up.

Brené Brown will do her part to make the tears roll down. If you think she is awesome, she is actually a million times more awesome than that. Her story telling is where I will spend time studying because it is magic.

Sitting in a room next to Michelle Ward and Rachel Cole we listened to Danielle LaPorte do a Q&A session. She talked about how standing on stage was her persona, how her writing and her work were all part of that. In her kitchen she is different. I needed to hear this. You need to hear this.

Our online world is persona no matter how hard we strive for transparency or truth. The people who have been at the birth of one of my children or the neighbors who hear me lose my cool when the dog tears up my meditation garden know this. Persona is part of our gifts. Use it beautifully.

As Chris Brogan said on stage, we all poop, there is a book to prove it.

I was humbled by the people who came up to me, excited for my hug. I was there for them, how did I step into bizzaro land? I will never forget how incredibly gorgeous it feels to be noticed, admired and loved.

My travel wings have spread. After years and years of having babies and nursing, years that hold so much love and nurture and whole lot of exhaustion, I am flying off into a new world. One where I know how to spend time with myself. Where I acknowledge that I am allowed to because it makes me better.

To make my way on 5 modes of transportation in one day from coast to coast. Dream of the retreats I will someday guide. Feel space in new ways.

Each year I feel like a better person, growing more into how I want to show up. (This is where I get to insert that I got carded in Oregon for a glass of wine. Yep. Love that place.)

I am unpacking the lights, story and joy from my conference. I'm feeling the growing pains of re-entry after having been gone for more than a week. I'm planning outfits around my boots.

Yes, I rearranged the living room when I got back, Patrick patiently helped me, knowing that this was how I process, how I unpack, how I rejoin the pack.

Thank you Oregon for your beauty and grace. I can't wait to meet you again.

***

To all my new friends - thank you for the honor of knowing you, squeezing you and sharing time with you. Thank you for how much you truly wanted to be with me.

The conference was The World Domination Summit, in its second year, sold out each year with thousands on the waiting list. I am blessed to have attended.

Photo credit on second photo: Armosa Studios

He Marks Time

Eli turned 7. I started to blog when he turned 3.

I had intentions to write about it, share pictures of the day, I saw it all.

The day was rough, edges and middles. I asked for help. He ended the day saying it was one of the best birthdays ever.

And so he marks time for me. For the transition into the woman I am becoming, am, was.

I watch him grow, feel his need for my love above all else.

And I am simply struck by the passage of time. And where I stand. And what I see.

Instead of birthday candle pictures taken with me behind the camera saying, "get off the table, stop sticking out your tongue" and all the other things exhausted moms say, instead I made you a little gift.

To mark your time with simplicity, ritual and the joy of making space.

What matters most, is how we feel when we lay our heads down at the end of the day.

As I read the boys to sleep tonight, both snuggled up in one bed together, feet to feet, I knew that to be true.

In stillness (A peek into The Making Space Cleanse)

"Within you there is a stillness and a sanctuary to which you can retreat at any time and be yourself."- Hermann Hesse

Today during Summer Solstice we dance and play and welcome this night full of light and joy. At lunch time today I am going to play music and have the kids grab an instrument and dance and play in the yard.

After the dance and play I always crave stillness. I like to lie inside of soft space and feel, observe, be present.

As part of The Making Space Cleanse we will take our first day to observe stillness. To be present to our homes.

I'm sharing a piece of day 1 with you. My solstice gift to you.

After the dance and the celebration of light, allow yourself to start the preparation into cleansing your home, hearts and minds for the summer.

The days for those who join us on this journey will also include soulwork, videos, recipes and books that I love.

The video is a peek into our soulwork for Day 1.

Registration ends tomorrow, and there is a very special summer price this round. Check it all out over here...

Making Space Soulwork 1 from Hannah Marcotti on Vimeo.

The most important part of making more space in our life is to spend time in stillness. Meditation, soft space (time spent doing nothing but being) and daydreaming are ways of being still. For today I’d like for you to sit in stillness and observe. Look at the walls and windows of your home. Spend 5 minutes looking at the books on a book shelf that you see every day, without ever really seeing them at all. Watch a plant in its stillness as you sit and see the way the light shines off of it. Notice the textures of a pillow or the patterns on a rug.

Be still in your space in a new way. Sit somewhere new. Pull up a chair to a spot you’ve never spent time sitting and be still.

Tomorrow’s work will be based around what you observed today, so make some time to be still.

What are your first thoughts when I ask you to sit in stillness?

Does it sound too easy, or sound silly, or does stillness feel a bit scary or impossible to get to?

Be still.
Look at what you have chosen (or perhaps not) to be around in your space.
Just notice.
And really look.
Take the time to be present to lights, sounds, textures, colors.
Stillness.

Right Now Your Future

I have this well earned ability to compare myself to others down to the way they organize their Pinterest boards. Clever titles and things all neatly grouped. Mine are just a big jumble of beauty and inspiration. I finally pulled out all of my tattoo pins and made a board just for them. That felt like an achievement. No type A in this body, completely none. I'm like Z or Q or X.

I run with this mixture of wanting to be a stand out for my uniqueness and expressions and longing to blend into the pack just a bit more. I can lose site of my special in the world. Deep core needs created as a child blur the scene.

The magic is the deep core belief I also held as a child that I was going to serve and heal and make sure others knew how special they were.

Slightly frightening integrating all of this when creating a heart centered business, marketing inside of this New Economy we are reading about. Stand out, blend in, market with a formula, buck the system.

The very first program I created led to 1 and 1/2 (discount offered) people paying me. I asked a few others to join for free. I had a group. I had a program. I had a place to practice what I wanted to build. Those 1 and 1/2 people had enough faith in me to support my vision and want to be guided by me. And yes, things have grown.

They are the reason I kept going. That small amount of faith, those first 'yeses' were momentum and joy.

Your tiny numbers that get you down are actually your future about to stretch out before you if you let them. They are faith from the Universe that you can do this. Your now is creating your future.

Thank them. Honor them. Adore them.

Adore yourself while you are there.

I woke up with a fire in my belly this morning (hello FB status of the day!) wanting to call bullshit on labeling how people price their products and services. Pricing is an exploration, a practice. How many times I was told I was undervaluing myself when all I was doing was simply exploring, practicing, playing, creating.

There are plenty of ways to undervalue ourselves, it isn't just with money. And my prices don't tell you how I'm valuing myself, my actions do. The way I show up in the world.

My business has doubled in earnings every year since I started. As a mom who has been home with all three of my kids, currently still hanging out daily with the three year old, I am crazy proud of what I'm building. I love that my clients can email me when they are nursing their babies to sleep and I can email back when Lucas is watching a show or playing with cars and power rangers. I've raised and lowered my prices. I give a lot of it away for free. (I fully intend to free my husband from a job he hates.)

I connect, because that is one of my mad-hot qualities.

Our businesses need breathing room to grow. They also require us to tap into, fully, our gorgeous selves. The more I honor and talk about my sensitive constitution the more my business and life expand.

Today's email with a highly-sensitive client was all about her hair. How she could find someone to honor the natural flow of her hair and cut it in a way that felt good to her and was less of a fuss to style. The Joy Up Tribe chat was all about unruly, or what I love to call wildly gorgeous hair, for days. Pictures were taken, hair was left natural and we loved each other up.

My client hired me to coach her business. We talk about hair. And the flow of being sensitive. There are more ways to undervalue ourselves than just money.

I know you want, you want it. You can see it, taste it, you dream about it with tears in your eyes.

It is now.
Not in 5 years.
Now.
Those 1 and 1/2 clients.
The two words in your Ebook.
The kiss on the lips of the man you've loved for 14 years.
Wearing your stunning heels.

It is now. Prayers for tomorrow are created today.

Feeling Venus-y?

Venus marks the sun. We sat at the table tonight eating our bowls of rice noodles, broth, chicken and kale while listening to the scientists talk in amazed joy.

The energy or events of 2004 are coming to a complete cycle. What was beginning in your world in 2004?

I was pregnant with the baby that would be born in a car. Fast and furiously. I will say that it was terrifying, hearing my own screams echo in my head. I didn't feel the terror of it again for many months. Once it hit I was inside of PTSD for a rocky stretch of time that eventually led me to take zoloft to ease the pains. I eventually would spend 4 months numbed on an extremely high dose but the waking dreams went away. The waking dreams were the worst.

We walked through the house that would become ours in 2004. A tiny bungalow that needed lots of loving. We saw it as a rare opportunity to buy a house for $200,000 that was actually liveable. Most we had seen had holes in the floors or owners who didn't care about removing their enormous snake tanks from the rooms as you viewed them. It was a seller's market and we were amazed that anyone would even give us a loan.

Pretty sure you all know how that story goes. Our house is now valued for about $120,000 despite the time spent making it much more lovely and our family has grown from 3 to 5 and a dog since.

900 square feet has been my tiny dwelling with these munchkins, and I am proud for how we have made it work. I still dream about renovating the upstairs, the part of the house that called me to it when we first climbed those stairs 8ish years ago.

I am feeling Venus-y. Those completions of energy and experiences that I felt bound to are the birth of Eli and the belief that we would live in this house for 5 years, sell at a profit and move on.

I have a feeling inside of me like I feel when I see a synchronized gathering of birds in the sky, soaring, soft and united. I know that something larger than me is overhead. This is the quietness of magic.

The last few days Patrick and I have been fighting about the house. Silly fights. I'm dreaming and he's being realistic and doesn't that always drive both of us a bit wonky. I've had so many moments of wondering if I wouldn't just be a better mother back on the medication.

Inside of those moments I find the energy of what was started in 2004 simply wanting to find a way to settle and release.

Inspired actions can help us complete this energy cycle. 

And a surrender.

I will be painting my shutters bright orange.

And perhaps it is time to make a little more space?

The Making Space Cleanse - Summer Solstice Edition

I hear...

...an echo of surrender in all of my groups right now.

My stories of surrender are many. Most recently I have been finding myself in a transformation, the work I do shifting, begging for more clarity and, oh, have I pushed against this change. It can feel fierce and scary. Even when we love what we are doing there can be a push against. That is the thing about surrender, we don't just melt into it, it is a process we learn to flow through.

Clarity is scary for me. I have been in the process of surrendering to the transformation I find myself in and as I accept this I feel clarity presenting itself. I find support around me.

Every time I watch my three year old throw a tantrum I know that a moment will come when he surrenders, when his tears dry and he takes those deep breaths that mean he is coming out of the fight. I watch him, without words as his body becomes lighter and he feels the truth of where he is. Then the moment of change comes, he laughs or asks a question. He gets up and moves around. Acceptance and change.

Surrender.

Let's journey there together and explore this process of surrender into change. I'm so excited to announce Making Space for Surrender, a group program for women who desire support and inspiration around making joyful changes in their lives.

Please join us in this beautiful and gentle program, a gift to yourself, a blessing to your life.

Simplicity of Ritual - Mama's Tea

When tea becomes ritual, it takes its place at the heart of our ability to see greatness in small things.

~ Muriel Barbery

Each night I have a ritual of lighting candles just before it gets dark. I place them around the house, one near the lego playing and one in a window sill, a couple near the Buddha head.

This ritual is a signal for our family that we are settling down, that crazy jumping around time is over, meals are served and cleaned up.

On the nights I forget I feel unsettled and the kids soak up my energy. We all feel rushed and as though our rhythm has no gentle transitions. When I fall out of the rhythm I know my path back in. I clean the kitchen, top to bottom. I make a pot of broth and a beautiful soup. I set the table with a little flower and a pitcher of cold water. Then I light my candles.

I sit with Lucas as he falls asleep snuggled under his 'cozy' and head resting on his favorite bird pillow. After he drifts off I fill the electric kettle with cold water and wait for it to click, signalling it is time to pour over my tea bag. Usually I have red raspberry leaf or nettle. Every now and then I indulge in a decaf black tea with honey and milk.

This tea, this ritual, signals to my body that my work of mama has come to rest for the night and I may now go snuggle up with Patrick and share some bits of our days or watch one of our favorite shows together.

This ritual of my nightly tea is like closing the curtains to the day. A deep exhale that stillness has come. I must remind myself to hold it and sip it hot, being present to now.

Explore ritual as transition. Where are your transitions rough and leaving you feeling a bit lost or frazzled? Is there one simple gesture that you can choose to create rhythm inside of your transitions?

(From The April Joy Up)

Making Space, Finding Joy ~ A Gift

A Free Ebook

17 letters with story and inspiration towards helping you create more space in your heart, your home and your mind. Written with love and filled with blessings.