You may not believe me when I say my mornings are really tough until you realize that I wake up just like you. I have three kids under 10 and if you have children you may understand waking up to more expectations of you then you feel capable of meeting. Yes, there are giggles and there is joy but it is hard work. Often exhausting.
And I wonder where I fit into that puzzle. I wonder where my marriage fits into all of it. Maybe you wonder too.
Recently Patrick spent the week at home with me and I realized how deeply, deeply I miss him. Our lives are so separate from what were once lives in constant rhythm.
And I wonder how to heal that now, not in 5 years when the kids are older. Maybe you wonder too.
You may think that the me you see here, in these spaces is me until you realize I am just like you, everyone of us who have online personalities are more than what we ever show here. This is our persona, no matter how hard we try to bring you the truth, it will always be limited.
And I wonder how to align the different parts of myself, so that there is less of a gap between the me that shows up here and the me that lives in real time. Maybe you wonder too.
You may think I have patience and never eat just a small bag of potato chips I grabbed at the gas station for lunch until you realize that we all have so many unseen unspoken moments. We are going at a pace towards the change we long for and sometimes baked lays just taste so freaking good when we are too tired to make a salad.
And I wonder what it would be like if we could share more of those moments and start to bridge the gaps of perception and reality. Maybe you wonder too.
You may think you see me. I may think I see you.
And we do. We see pieces of each other. Part of the work we are doing is learning how to fit these pieces together, make them flow together even when they don't fit. Even when they make us angry or wanting to be something entirely transformed.
What I love about this life is that at any moment I can change. I can make a choice to feel differently. I can drop the anger. I can find new words. I can cut my hair or grow it longer than its ever been. I can wear feathers, get a tattoo, sell everything I own and move across the country. Somehow. There is always the somehow. There is always a way to change, to choose, to grow, to evolve.
And I wonder if you feel the gap closing in your own world and if you can see me more clearly each time we exhale the truth.