why i don't deserve a free trip to mexico.

because i never finish anything. because dishes sit in the sink. because i allow every book to go unread. because i am lazy. because i left him. because i keep gaining the same 10 pounds over and over. because i am never enough. and too much. because i fight. because my feelings are wrong again. because i can't meet my own needs. because my comfort is inside of struggle. because sabotage feels better than the truth of what i feel. because my wanting to be taken care of is weakness. because my heart keeps getting broken. because i didn't earn it. because i suck at this. all of this. because every time something good comes there is an equal and opposite reaction. because i am broken. because i am so tired. and can't sleep. because all of this change hurts. .......

the amount of reasons i don't deserve are piles around me.

i am sorting through them. recycling. throwing out. tucking some aside for later examination.

i am asking how i found myself inside this amazing life of freedom and self motivation with all these stories, and all of this fear.

i am understanding my tangling with fear is part of who i have become. and am becoming again.

i am looking to connect the dots of my time line, to understand how each piece fits into the next.

i keep testing him to see if he will run. he keeps testing me to see if i can hold all of him. we are pushing against and yet tied together with an invisible thread sewn by god and faith and dreams.

i made the list of why i don't deserve. and today as this love letter floats out into the inboxes of 3,000 people who sit on the other side of each of my musings, my future self will be stepping off the plane.

.......

"you are sabotaging the trip aren't you?"

yes. without a doubt.

.......

today i will be on the trip i don't deserve. for all the reasons that have sat in heavy piles.

i will become the one who let herself be taken care of and loved as she pays it forward with nurture and love. all i have ever wanted, and now my biggest fear. letting him take care of me.

today i will cross over the piles of why i don't deserve so i can see the ground underneath them.

my feet will be in the sand. my heart will be opening, again.

.......

and i will be in mexico.

a baby. a boyfriend. and a cafe.

they hadn't seen each other in almost a year and yet it felt like no time had past. groceries bags filled with eggs and veggies and pineapple and the fixings for all sorts of pie. (enchilada and chocolate pretzel.) #lovelanguage

pregnancy cravings all taken care of. plenty of kid food for the gaggle of children. a rough plan for how to spend the three hours before the big kids came home from school. (talk fast. hide the salt and vinegar potato chips.)

we have been visioning and manifesting together for three years.

one year ago we decided to manifest what we desired most as a team. and it went something like this...

a baby. a boyfriend. and a cafe.

we repeated it and dreamed it and visioned it and texted it and prayed for it. for ourselves, for each other.

the cafe arrived first. none of us were prepared for the manifestation of that dream. it may have only belonged to one of us, but we were all instantly grabbed into a swirling vortex of... oh shit, she just got what she asked for. and we watched her go from new mom to new mom with a cafe on an island that asked everything of her. and it felt like there was almost nothing we could do to support her other than believe that this was unfolding exactly as it must.

whoa. and shit. and thank you. and what do we do now?

a few months later he arrived. none of us were prepared for the manifestation of that dream either. it was mine but it became all of ours and my life went from single divorcing mom into learning to be in partnership with 22 years of old patterning and lots of healing to come. (and we are both highly sensitive and just a tad intense.) we have a passion that is unrivaled, it can feel amazing and devastating all in the same week. we are so in love and that love terrifies us, because we don't want to ever be without it again.

we swirled some more... oh shit, and whoa. and thank you. i love him so much.

and then the baby. tucked inside her belly. we are all in love already. getting to this littlest addition in our extended family, as we all know now, getting to this 'what we want' takes work and tears and honesty and pain and all the feelings. all of them. soon she will be crossing over from women to mother. joining us in a world that she has been visioning, calling forth.

um. blessings of spirit whispers. a baby. a boyfriend. and a cafe. one year later. after repeating those words as our secret mantra. we are here. now.

my kids and i don't agree on making wishes. they believe you blow out the candle and keep your wish a secret so it will come true. i believe you blow out the candle and tell as many people to help you conspire as possible.

the baby, the boyfriend and the cafe were wishes that god and the universe and so many people became part of. we never pretended getting what we wanted was easy, especially once we had them.

once we get what we want, in whatever manifestation of it that shows up, that is when the deepening of who we are becoming starts. we never know what that will look like, but the feeling is kind of like...

whoa. and oh, shit... and thank you... and what now... and i am so in love.

enchilada pie became dinner. wine started pouring at lunch and ended far into the night. the one with the baby started visioning around midnight while the ones drinking wine watched. finally we joined in.

because once you have the baby, the boyfriend and the cafe, you better start dreaming together again.

the floor of the loft was covered in bits and pieces of magazines and secret messages and the salt and vinegar potato chips were no more. at 2am we climbed into bed, exhausted.

they came to the loft that day because they hadn't seen each other in almost a year. they came because it was time to realize the power of what we had created. and to feel it. and to talk about what had happened to us since our visions became reality. to talk about the pain and truths inside of getting what you want, because it comes with the huge price of change. and how we lose some things when other things arrive. and how witnessing each other inside the pain and darkness of the dream was brutal. and pure love. and what now... and i love you... and pretzel pie... and love languages... and thank you.

november 22nd - february 22nd

Once you've decided that you want something, the opposite of it is going to be very much a part of your awareness too.  ~Abraham

.......

we have this tiny little book called, "how to love."

one night my 10 year old decided he wanted to read to me and chose that book. he read the first page out loud about our hearts being like a river. after he finished reading it he said, "whoa mom."

we sat and read as many more pages as we could until we were so filled with new thoughts and ideas about love that we had to stop to process.

.......

on november 22nd i walked into a court room with my husband of 18 years and we agreed to end our marriage in front of a judge and lawyers and a whole lotta strangers who i was terrified to cry in front of.

on february 22nd the state of rhode island will officially declare us divorced.

.......

we had our first date on april 2nd, set up by a friend for a coffee date since he knew we were both inside of separations. neither of us were truly healed enough to take on a brand new relationship.

but we ended up kissing on the couch soon after that first date, our mouths were starving for the love of the other. i loved him immediately. and we are so unlikely for the other.

the business man meets the woman with tattoos and crazy hair down the hall one day for coffee and their lives are forever changed.

.......

and now i am in the opposite. i am learning about money, and fear and patience and compassion.

after a year of having left my house, i am returning to it almost untouched by my absence, so that i may leave it again. i just got my dresser. after a year.

slowly i am leaving my house. and it is devastating. the opposite is now my awareness and my movement.

before november 22nd came i didn't feel the opposite. i was sad and in auto pilot. i was learning how to be a mom in a new way. i was high and low and wanting to be loved more than i have ever wanted anything.

the opposite is a place of awe and almost a sense of reverence for the instability you can be inside of and still function.

because you decided you wanted something.

and now it is.

and now you are re-learning everything.

.......

when we first separated he would bring me groceries and wash the dishes each time he would come over. i would leave a dinner in his fridge. we struggled to be apart even after we knew it was time.

everything we had ever done included the other in some way. and now we were separate.

i couldn't take my dresser. i couldn't think about what to do with wedding pictures or dresses or old journals with the record of the past inside of them.

.......

he will be 11 years old on june 26th. he will be a child of divorce as i was, as so many of us were.

i pray that the love his father and i gave to him the moment we first held him after a crazy birth, will never be apart from him. that he will understand our love is like that river and our hearts have now expanded to include new loves into our lives.

he has his first crush. he adores her. his thoughts include her every day.

he is now understanding how to love like that river, receiving and embracing and transforming.

.......

how to love.

"the desire to understand ourselves and to understand life is a deep thirst. there's also the deep thirst to be loved and to love."

on february 23rd i will walk inside of a new understanding of myself. of what i am capable of. of how i feel sorrow and shame and joy and love.

i am inside of the immense river, transforming. i am looking towards my next becoming. i haven't met her yet, i am still saying good-bye to a past self while thirsting to understand my now.

.......

i am inside of the awareness of the opposite of my wantings.

the days when taking a shower feels like an accomplishment. and when you remind yourself, again, that joy is all the feelings.

all of them.

images in the mirror. and dead hamsters.

“By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond the winning.”

~ Lao Tzu

i remember standing in the pet store watching them for almost an hour the hamsters running and sleeping and wondering how long they live and what gender should i get and did my boys seriously have to ask santa for a hamster...and then i saw her and she looked like the loft her colors and softness even the way she moved and held herself...and i knew she was ours...mine...she belonged...

...

on the phone with the insurance provider on the phone with the cable company on the phone with the dentist on the phone with middle school on the phone with changes and heartbreak and the sweetest women and empowerment and sadness and fear...i bribe myself with a bloody mary...i bribe myself to keep going...

...

she built a big nest and buried herself belly up which we knew to be hibernation...i move her cage downstairs and we wait...then i go down to put our laundry away and the smell of death is inside of me nothing i can do to pull it out...

...

i have been hibernating so tired i can barely do the dishes the laundry the basic rituals that keep time in my life that make me feel proud and mothering and nurturing and providing...i don't want to know she is dead so i put her outside and pray that someone will take care of me shake me hold me look at me promise me that they won't let me sleep much longer...

...

looking in the mirror i see my face has changed these last few months i almost don't recognize who is looking back...i am swirling spinning falling scared as hell...please fucking wake me up...wake me up...

...

i am scared that i am pushing away...i am too proud to ask for what i need...i am shutting down and opening back up and remembering why i chose this remembering why why why why why...afraid they are mad at me because i just don't have the energy to belong right now... afraid he will not want to hold me during this afraid he forgot that we are family that they are my family now too and all i want is to take care of them now no matter how scared i am...

...

when they go to school i scoop her out of the cage and she is so peaceful that i have to stare at her little fluffy softness in awe of a transition in time of a transition without pain of a transition that we can't control of a transition that is metaphor and i want to wake up now...

...

and it fucking hurts...

...

i can and will and we will bury her this weekend at the magic lake house that feels like home and family and i love that i chose her she chose me we had time to love her...love...as i open my eyes and feel all of it...

...

Magic Lake House Lift Up (an intimate coaching group)

“The Magic Lake House is where prayers mix with quiet soft nights on the deck, overlooking water that holds magic fish, quiet moments and laughter that can be heard throughout the private island. It is where we create gentle, safe space for people to gather, boat, swim, eat, drink, create, dream and reconnect to their true soul whispers. ”

We are not here to simply live on this earth. We are here to experience, feel, evolve, desire, devour, share, dance and open.

I choose to live sensually. The choices I make must revolve around feeling good and bringing good.

We must circle with our people as part of the deep self-care work we will all be called towards.

This circling for me is a calling so that we don't disappear from our own eyes and dreams and desires.

It is filling a hole inside that often feels gaping and raw.

When you combine the beauty of self care with the kickass mastermind of others who love pushing the edges of heart-centered business you create swirling magic.

The Magic Lake House manifested from a dream that fell in love with another dream. Every prayer is held here. Every download is sent from the lake with bubbles of love. It is pure magic.

Our May/June Lift Up ::

We will start by gathering in a private group virtually (for May and June) where our first unfolding will take place. This is where we will start the vulnerable task of introducing who we are and why we came to this lift up together.

We will gather on two group calls to enter the lift up work. You may use this call in any way you desire; what you need to explore and talk about will be unique, there are no rules. These calls will be recorded. I promise that this is where the magic will first find you.

These calls will be coaching you around anything you are bringing to our circle to be lifted up around.

During May each of us will find the place in our lives where we are desiring lifting up around. As a group this will be nurtured, held and supported. I will be giving you personal inspired actions and coaching. The amazing thing for me is that when we do coaching in this way, we not only get the beauty of the magic that swirls around our own lift up, but benefit from everyone else's. We are all connected.

There is a power when women come together to lift one another up. Something huge shifts inside. We are no longer alone. This circle of women will take you into your next becoming. They will become part of your mantra towards healing, growth, change and desires.

I have been dreaming of a small group of women to lift up, where we go all in and find ourselves sitting on the deck of the magic lake house in the evening with soft music playing, a glass of wine, amazing food (we will do the cooking together) and conversations that become our prayers floating out to the magic lake that holds each prayer inside of her and sends it back to us in the form of downloads that change our next steps.

I have been dreaming of a small group of women where I could go deep, love hard, coach strong, guide in a new way. A group that is part intense coaching and part magical retreat. A group that lifts each other up while doing the work. A group that finds their way to the magic lake to dip their feet in her waters and heal how I have healed over the past year. A group that isn't afraid of going deep, and sharing, and trusting, and desiring together.

I have been dreaming of a small group of women who are ready to dream bigger than they ever have before. Who are ready to say yes, and this and now.

And so it is. We will gather. To do the work. To iterate. To share stories. To lift. To celebrate. To travel into our next becoming.

The magic lake house retreat ::

Thursday, June 9th, we will meet in Rindge, NH, on a small island in paradise (literally), at the magic lake house. We will settle in and spend time on the water or on the deck or walking in the woods as we integrate the slowness and magic that is around us. We will hug and laugh and chat and then gather together for a beautiful dinner overlooking the water and start a fire in the fire pit to warm us as the sun sets. (Skinny dipping has been known to happen during such moments!)

The kitchen will be filled with nourishing food for meals and snacks. I'll have a lose plan for meals, but our cooking will be collaborative, as time in the kitchen chopping and laughing with a glass of wine is one of my favorite ways of coming together. All food is gluten-free and low in sugar and as organic as we can be. You are invited to make yourself at home over the three days and help yourself and feel into the space in any way you need.

Friday will be our soul-work, lift up integration time. Every one will have focused time just on them. This is my favorite part of lift up gatherings. Time when you are heard and held and supported. This is when the next layer of magic happens.

We will have free time after the lift ups Friday late afternoon/evening. You might choose to venture into Keene for dinner and shopping or take a kayak/canoe out with a picnic packed inside and explore Lake Monomonac. You can stay and cozy up at the lake house, build a fire, have a dance party, shoot a bow and arrow, jump off the dock (let's manifest warm weather), go for a run, sit and giggle or anything else your spirit is craving.

Saturday morning we will have breakfast and our final lift up circle. Prayers and visions will be shared and sent out for the lake to hold for us.

It feels impossible for me to convey what the blend of lift ups, the magic lake and women who are willing to show up, do the work, feel into their becomings and step into fears and desires all at once can do to change your life. It is intense. It is pure magic.

This is what the magic lake house and lift ups have done for me. They have shown me that I have so many paths I could walk. And that it all comes down to my own vulnerability, compassion and choice.

The choice that I have made was of love, freedom, joy and constant iteration so that I may always be guiding others to change their lives, to become new, to be part of a wave of loving this life now.

 After the retreat ::

After we say good-bye we will find comfort in the re-entry inside of our virtual group. We will re-enter not just our lives, but our group together as new selves. The retreat will be our past selves having nurtured our future selves.

We will spend the remainder of June integrating, supporting and dreaming.

Some details ::

The deposit is non-refundable unless you or I are able to secure the spot with another participant. Much preparation happens ahead of time, so please, only sign up if you are 100% in! Airports in the area are Manchester (about an hour away), Boston (about an hour and a half away) and Providence (a little less than two hours away). Once the group is assembled we can work out carpools and support around travel.

Dates and Cost ::

June 9th, 10th, 11th (Thursday - Saturday)

3 payments of $477

Cost includes my gift to you of the 6 months in Magic Making Circle (a value of $474)

(if you have already joined the 2016 circle, your second payment will reflect the reimbursement)

To reserve your space inside the magic lake house lift up ::

Lifting up is vital to the movement. As women we crave this circling time together where we can nurture and be nurtured in a collective wave. We want to lead and be led, touch and be touched.

Lifting up is a form of healing when you stop fighting against feelings of jealousy, status, competition, judgement and open space for the truth inside of those feelings and allow yourself time inside of vulnerability, nurture, love, gentle power and forgiveness. Together.

Lifting up is showing up in truth and sharing in safety and love.

Lifting up is allowing others to lay hands on your wounds and then holding that hand in gratitude and love.

Lifting up is circling with other women which can become one of the deepest forms of fear for many of us who were taught that women are jealous and we cannot show up in our light. And we will move through this fear.

Lifting up is the rhythm of sharing meals, fears, dreams, prayers and giggles.

“I felt so lifted up and so held and seen and heard, in a way I had never expected or experienced. It gave me a feeling of connection that was something so new for me and now I know I can’t be without it. And I never realized the sheer power and strength and love without judgment that could be possible within a circle! My lift up time was amazing and I can’t wait to return for more. I yearn for it!”

"There was such freedom to share and spill and soak and release together. I am still basking in the overflow of the intentional self-care and sacred community that was birthed from my lift up time.”

Make a wish. {30 days of visioning into manifesting}

 

The first time I visioned my five beautiful dreams, among them were a space of my own, a disco ball and a trip to NC. I found the feeling inside of the dreams which was freedom.

I was seeking freedom. I had yet to understand what that meant, and somehow after years of a lot of tough experiences, I was open to receiving the message of freedom.

All of those beautiful dreams came to be so fast my nervous system was struggling to keep up.

Just 24 hours after I visioned the NC trip I was opening an email with an invitation inside of it to teach at a retreat in my childhood home of North Carolina.

The space manifested as The Loft which I have held as my heart space for three years and the disco ball was one of the first items ever put inside of it.

The wish that brought the magic was of freedom. I let go of what it would look like as the dreams started to come true. I held onto freedom.

I manifested him from sticky notes, vision pages and boards and my magical man jar. (More about that in the course!)

I didn't believe he existed, this man. I didn't believe I was lovable as a single mom with three kids. But he was my wish. I visioned him down to his name and hair color. The story is wild and crazy and blows my mind when I recall all the parts.

He was my wish. And he came to me. I didn't believe it but I wished it, I felt it, I focused on it. Until the day I knew it was true. Our focus becomes our reality. Our faith lets us make our wish while still being scared of what we want. Visioning is what takes us into that future self.

My wish that brought the magic was love.

When :: March 2nd for 30 days

Why :: A wish can become our magic.

How much :: (my gift to you when you sign up for the Magic Making Circle by March 1st) or... $59.00 for 30 days of inspiration, prompts, action and a virtual space where we will play together. This will be the most amazing warm up time for the Magic Making Circle that I could think of! If you have been wondering if that circle is where you belong to love up your life right now, start here, now.

$59.00

What I will ask of you for these 30 days ::

Make space to be here. Allow yourself the faith in wishes. Use these prompts to spend time with yourself. To light up in a new way. To discover a you that may have hidden out, buried by the stresses of daily living and lost dreams.

Create magical pages, cards, boards, gifts... filled with words and visions and feelings that surround them. As you do this, you harness the vibrations of the Universe. You vibrate in a new way. These creations become a way for you to align what you want with what you have. They create manifesting magic in your life.

I am going to ask you to make wishes. Each day in the form of visioning. The wishes become the prayer dust to manifesting what we desire in our lives. Our vibration of focus is creating the path of our future self.

The feeling inside of the dreams. The secret messages. The boards holding our monthly rhythm. The surprises.

The moment we blow out the candle and whisper our wish to the Universe...

• Wishes
• ‘I am’
• Beautiful dreams
• Wantings
• Desires
• Awakenings
• Words of spirit
• Secret messages
• Blessings
• Manifesting
• Spirit Guides
• Love languages
• Love and love and more love
• The sun and stars and moon
• Storytelling into the night

Through ritualized vision work we can allow each day to guide us towards living joyously, even (especially) when things are hard or challenges arise.

What will you need ::

• A blank journal, I love Moleskine XL Cahier, but anything you love works beautifully.
• Large pieces of cardboard or poster board or a bulletin board.
• Card stock. Start collecting pieces of thick paper from packaging that comes in the mail or you can cut up thin cardboard boxes.
• Some magazines. Ask people to start saving them for you. Go to hair salons and offices and ask for their old magazines. Check out libraries for magazine sales.
• A glue stick.
• Scissors.
• Some space and time.
• Faith that playing in this way can transform your wishes into magic.

the celebration after the surrender

 

my life is about to shift in big, huge ways soon. i don't like transitions or change and yet i am in a constant state of them. as a highly sensitive person it can sometimes feel like the ground isn't there. like you don't know what is keeping you here because surely gravity can't keep your feet planted in the chaos. and then you see where you are fighting. you feel it. name it. look at it. you love it up. and you surrender. in the last two weeks i have taken myself through this practice of surrender. and last night i cried. so many tears i felt depleted. and then i woke up and i prayed. and my prayer became action. i am new. i am now inside of a deep river of faith. ....... each time I look at my calendar and think about what program i’d like to run there is always a direct connection to where I am. over the last few years i’ve worked on creating a ritual, a practice of moving into surrender. and right now I am needing it again. i need to go into my practice, as I will again and again. we aren’t perfect, flawless. we are change. we are beginning and iterating and choosing often at a pace so rapid our nervous systems can’t keep up. surrender is the slow down. the space. the in between. the forgiveness. the prayer. ....... one of the things i have called in for this year is a monthly celebration. i want to look at what i have discovered, manifested, loved, dedicated, supported, lifted. i want to see and celebrate where i have been. and dream of where i am going. my first celebration will be that of surrender. of opening space to release, to feel, to pray. and i will do the work. i will feel all the things i have been putting a pin in to feel later. later is now. i will do the work. and together we will find our way into the celebration. ....... maybe there will be blue balloons. or bubbly. or both. or a table set with your most beautiful linens and plates. we will celebrate. because surrender is how we become. and become we must. i don't like transitions or change. and yet, now i am inside a deep river of faith. because i chose surrender. so become i will. and celebrate we must. i am ready to hang the balloons and plan the feast. when we do the work, on the other side is the freedom and joy we seek. and celebrate we will. xo

The open space of surrender. {A 5 week circle}

We start: February 1st, 3 emails a week Where: Virtual, wherever you are. How long: 5 weeks. Why: So we can take a deeper breath inside of our lives after the exhale. So we can say yes to that open space.

$49.00  

Surrender: To give yourself up to a new emotion or course or influence. To melt into and open up to...

2015

I was remembering a story about my boys from two years ago. One morning Eli (then 7) asks Lucas (then 4) who he loves more, himself or mama? Lucas being four and his world wrapped around his mother says, "Mama."

Eli then goes into a speech about how you have to love yourself the most. If you love yourself the most then you can love other people. He made a good case to the little one on why loving himself was the first step to mama love. The four year old just glazed over and I teared up.

This child is my little spirit guide in matters of the heart and spirit. He is so much like me. And we both struggle with explosive feelings and deep desires for surrender inside of the struggle that we tend to create for ourselves.

The other night as he was doing his homework he throws down his pencil and whines at me, "Mooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaam. I just can't finish my homework until I organize my chi." And then he asks to meditate. He has grown up watching Avatar and Korra as his source of spirituality and they haven't let us down.

I surrendered and lit the candle and put on the music and watched as his body calmed down inside of his own surrender. I have been feeling like such an unfocused, trying to be all things for everyone mom right now, my chi is pretty unorganized.

This is where we can make space for allowing, releasing and simply being in our now.

Each time I look at my calendar and think about what program I'd like to run there is always a direct connection to where I am. Over the last two years I've worked on creating a ritual, a practice of moving into surrender. And right now I am needing it again. I need to go into my practice, as I will again and again.

We aren't perfect, flawless. We are change. We are beginning and iterating and choosing often at a pace so rapid our nervous systems can't keep up.

Surrender is the slow down. The space. The in between. The forgiveness. The prayer.

Surrender is the intersection between acceptance and change.

As we find ourselves pushing against and fighting what we are feeling, we draw in more of that which we push. We continue to obsess, replay, hear the mind chatter that keeps us stuck. That old story plays over and over and over. We become trapped.

There is an ease when we learn how to embrace surrender. Feeling without fight. Fear and struggle are met with truth and grace. Releasing and allowing feel spectacular with the flow from stuck into surrender. Surrender is an entry point for joy. Surrender can guide you into stillness, moving, creating, acting and flowing.

Surrender is no longer pushing against :: My belly (insert body part of choice or flaw of choice) is so flabby I could never be loved (love myself).

Surrender is no longer playing the same old story :: I have nothing unique to offer the world because I'm not creative, smart, worldly, skinny, beautiful...

Surrender is no longer living in the what-if :: What if I could lose these last 10 pounds, be a size 4, make more money, get my partner to understand, have more time...

Surrender is melting into, opening up, releasing and that moment when you are ready to forgive yourself.

2016

i fell apart last night. one dash pms. one dash sickness. one dash feeling lonely while being sick. one dash entering into a huge unknown.

in a few months i will be stepping into my new life. a life that manifested from a story i long to tell. soon.

i haven't been praying in the morning. my warm coffee in hand, my quiet prayer for the day. lost inside the chaos of school vacation and holiday plans and a sickness that keeps swirling around my family.

prayer is my love note. prayer is how i stop feeling sorry for myself. prayer is a gift to the vibration of the day. prayer is vulnerable. prayer is surrender.

holding so tight to fears. so last night he says it is time to talk about it. and we did. and i cried. and fell apart. i still don't know how to talk when i am in fear. i am still afraid that i will trigger a fight or anger.

i am learning to talk. to feel safe inside the fear. but shit, it is so so hard.

prayer is my love note. safety is my prayer.

there is so much to surrender and i continue to hold on too tight and this body of mine can't breathe.

as we are journeying together into this new life we are in the space between. i am learning to surrender my need to be right. i am learning to surrender the fear of anger. i am learning to surrender to having to do it all alone.

i am learning to let go of always feeling like i am failing.

prayer as love note. knowing each other, learning, being vulnerable in the asking. sometimes it is the fear of the answers. i want to surrender into deep connection. a connection i have never known before until now.

after 13 years of parenting, 8 years of running a business, 1 1/2 years into a divorce and living on my own for the first time ever, 9 months into a new love relationship and 41 years in my body; surrender is showing up more than ever.

every time I think I 'get' it, a new lesson arrives. what brings me softness is the practice of surrender that we work with inside of this circle brings me back to my truth.

i seek surrender in new ways. inside of love. inside of deep deep truths i am holding inside.

"Hannah's program taught me how to shift my judgements into truths. Practicing this skill has profoundly shifted my thinking, reduced anxiety, and helped me experience greater joy in my everyday life. I highly recommend this program to anyone who is ready to surrender all the messy details of what's holding you back and start walking in the purity of truth." ~ Britta Alexander

Imagine your life if you could move past the stories that hold you in fear and excuses?

Imagine your relationships, your business, your spirit?

Where in your world is there an echo of surrender and what feelings does it leave you with?

Most of us are afraid to shine. We let our fear overtake us so we can’t move forward. We are paralyzed with shame, with trying to seem perfect and doing what is expected rather than what brings us joy.

We have a beautiful truth that wants to be heard. It is clogged by indecision, perfectionism, fear and doubts.

Are you ready to surrender to the struggle?

Would you like to allow and let-go without feeling like you are constantly pushing against and rather start to flow with?

Are you willing to allow grace (love, ease, fluidity, forgiveness, kindness) into that space?

We will release. We will move into our light. It won't be easy but it will bring us closer to the ease we desire each day when we wake.

The How:

• We will work with a weekly theme of moving from the story that is keeping us stuck and locked into fear and into writing our new one.
• Three emails from me each week to support your journey for each of the 5 weeks.
• Prompts with soulwork to take at your own pace
• Videos from me sharing my stories of surrender.
• A FB group where we will come together and share our journey and deepen our support, which will actively help to prompt you deeper into your knowing.
• Gentle power, that is how we will enter into surrender, gentle power.

Prep week begins Monday, February 1st...

    $49.00

 "Hannah has changed the way I breathe." ~ Maria

"Thank you for giving us your all, it allows us to do the same for ourselves." ~ Izabela

"I didn't even realize how far away I had traveled from my passions and joy until Hannah entered my life. What did I do without her?"~ Joanie

"The work you do is magical and impacts so much on the lives of the women that take part… including me." ~ Amy

"I value your words so much, they always speak to my heart. Thank you, I get so tired of reading other people's words all the time but yours are always special." ~ Jackie

safety as prayer. 17 questions to ask your beloved

i fell apart last night. one dash pms. one dash sickness. one dash feeling lonely while being sick. one dash entering into a huge unknown. in a few months i will be stepping into my new life. a life that manifested from a story i long to tell. soon. i haven't been praying in the morning. my warm coffee in hand, my quiet prayer for the day. lost inside the chaos of school vacation and christmas plans and a sickness that keeps swirling around my family. prayer is my love note. prayer is how i stop feeling sorry for myself. prayer is a gift to the vibration of the day. prayer is vulnerable. prayer is surrender. holding so tight to fears. so last night he says it is time to talk about it. and we did. and i cried. and fell apart. i still don't know how to talk when i am in fear. i am still afraid that i will trigger a fight or anger. i am learning to talk. to feel safe inside the fear. but shit, it is so so hard. prayer is my love note. safety is my prayer. there is so much to surrender and i continue to hold on too tight and this body of mine can't breathe. as we are journeying together into this new life we are in the space between. i am learning to surrender my need to be right. i am learning to surrender the fear of anger. i am learning to surrender to having to do it all alone. i am learning to let go of always feeling like i am failing. prayer as love note. knowing each other, learning, being vulnerable in the asking. sometimes it is the fear of the answers. i want to surrender into deep connection. a connection i have never known before until now. what do you appreciate most that i do for you? what desires do you have around us as partners? what touch do i give you that is your favorite? what touch do you crave? what do you need when you walk in the door after work? what do i do that most shows you my respect and admiration (masculine) adoration and protection (feminine)? when you are in fear how can i show up for you and hold you? what do i say or do that makes you feel like you are the most important person in the universe to me? what would you like more of from me (time, touch, words, etc)? what one thing can i support you with to ease your overwhelm? what is one celebration around anything you would like to have together? what do you see us doing together in one year? what is the thing i cook for you that you most look forward to? what brings you the most pleasure? what do you need more of from me? less of? what ways do/can i help you feel safe? safety as prayer. put each of these questions onto small strips of paper and keep them in a tiny bowl or jar. ask one in a quiet moment. let your partner choose one. pick a few for a long car ride. use one as word foreplay while you sit together naked and cuddling. ask one after you make love. pour a glass of wine as dinner cooks and really listen to an answer. let the answers come to you as prayer. really listen when they speak. hold their gaze. touch their leg or arm if that grounds them. think of other questions. add them in. ask the questions to yourself. are you resentful because you aren't getting more time or touch? close your eyes and instead of the resentment listen to the question...what would you like more of from me? let the answer soften you. pray as love note. surrender. find the safety in listening. in talking. in asking. in answering. xo

belly to belly

 

one of the most clever things i have read about sales/marketing was this :: "and the secret is: 'see twenty people belly-to-belly every day.'" (from the book How To Master the Art of Selling by Tom Hopkins) "put your belly button near twenty others each day." belly to belly. i have a million love languages but the ones that mean the most to me, that make me swoon and sway and often bring me to tears of happiness are words and time. a couple of years ago i had no idea that time was one of my love languages. now i understand that it is one of the biggest gifts i can give and receive from others. all i wanted for my birthday with my love was his time. just us. together. talking. naked. loving. eating. being. i wanted to curl up in his arms and wake up there too. belly to belly. (he also gave me words in the form of sticky notes hidden all over the loft that i found for weeks.) i think about belly to belly, and i have challenged my magic making business circle to spend more belly to belly time, in new ways each day. belly to belly is more than just marketing and sales relationship. it is the core of who we are as humans. we are meant to be together. to help. to love. to lift one another up. belly to belly can be an instagram post connecting to a shared dream. it can be amazing sex with your lover. it can be talking to 5 people at the grocery store. it can be snuggle time in bed with your kids reading and giggling. belly to belly is connection, relationship. ....... today on the eve of the year that calls us in, i asked my circle three things. i want to share them with you. to give you a little soul work as a way to ritualize and make space inside of 2015 for all that is to come. for the relationships. to make space for more belly to belly. ....... one. on this eve, what is one guide you want to draw in to walk with you? for me it is love. i am learning to love in new ways. i am growing my family, my heart. i am making more space for forgiveness and other's needs. so my guide is love. second. a wish. my women and i (and i am working on my lover and kids) believe that you must share a wish to help it manifest. on this eve, can you share a tender wish with someone? let's hold it up to the moon, to our people, to the year that beckons us to live with more joy and all the feelings we desire. one wish. third. celebration. here is something i never do inside of my work. i forget to celebrate. to give myself credit. to actually look at what i have created and drawn towards me. i am in awe of the women who circle, who write to me, who lift me up through their time with me inside of this soul work. so this year i want to create monthly celebrations. celebration as ritual. as a deepening of love languages. around my work. my family. my love. ....... one. two. three. ....... my love and all of our kids are together at the magic lake house for new year's eve. we have sick kids. fevers. some puking at 3 am. lots of crackers and blankets and juice and movie time. it will be our first new year's together. our belly to belly with our family, our wishes, our iterating into a love that neither of us can quite believe is happening to us because it is so big. so different. so raw. so crazy amazing and challenging all at once. we are creating a universe together that feels like it will change everything. we will make our wishes. we will make nachos and make the kids the most amazing banana splits one has ever seen (because he went to the store and let me just tell you, we have it all). and we will belly to belly inside of our gratitude for those who are in our life. who love us. who support us. who have walked these last few crazy hard months holding our energy while we have often spiraled out in fear. we will go to sleep belly to belly inside of love. and wake up with my belly pressed up against his back, or his against mine, as we do now, in our ritual of sleep and wake. ....... words. time. nurture. ritual. prayer. love. happy new year my loves. you all mean more to me than i can say. thank you for your words. time. ritual. prayer. love. thank you for showing up. for believing in my words. time. nurture. ritual. prayer. love. welcome 2016. welcome belly to belly. welcome love. welcome celebration. xoxo

love stories and a pack of wolves

sometimes my mind is so full of chatter that i can't find my stories. i sit and stare at the computer and i wait, willing the words to come. and bribing myself with another cup of coffee or a hot shower if i just get it done. my friends joke that everything that happens, all the words we speak to each other, become fair game to weave their way into my stories each week. these women keep time in my life. they change me and challenge me every single day because they see and hold my flaws and fears and imperfections and let me be incomplete. and incomplete some more. i have been purging my space. starting with the old prom dress and moving onto wall clutter. taking everything down. looking at blank walls. deciding what i love, what will stay. i pour another cup of coffee. the bribe didn't work. the screen blank. almost as though i am clearing my world of words just as i clear the walls. like i am trying to see something inside of the emptiness. what if i stopped talking and listened? asked more questions. witnessed with the feeling of white walls, bare. there are so many things i want to know to feel safe right now. i want to ask my partner questions and hear his stories. i want his stories to fill my walls. my heart. my future. i want to know that i will be safe when i move out from these walls in a few months. that i will find home and places for all the treasures i decide to keep. and to leave space for new stories inside the life we are building together. living inside of uncertainty is loud. noisy. high alert. i made escape plans that no longer hold truth because he is my family. the arms i want to run into, to hear him tell me we are safe. together. all i want is the energy to do the dishes. sick for days. still staring at a blank screen, tugging at my hair in a loop of ocd day dreaming. she texts me that she wishes she were closer and could bring me soup. she texts me and tells me to go take a nap, the words can wait. she texts me that maybe i should write about not being able to find the words. i open a bag of potato chips. it is 10:30am. i pull up the words he wrote last night while i wasn't feeling good and he told me he would write my newsletter. this man makes me laugh and loves me in a way neither of us have loved before. we talked last night about how scary it is to feel love in this way. the words he typed onto my blank screen while sipping wine as i put on my make up in the bathroom, trying to hide my sickness to go out and meet his friends for a drink. my body felt insecure, wanting to make a beautiful first impression (cause i can be a lot of fun on a good day) and feeling like i could pass out from exhaustion. i send a picture of his gift of words to the girls. he was writing about them for me :: "sometimes family is the people who love and support you" unconditional love the happy puppy to your bad day the rock the sun the truth And the love. Boom. And done. xo he calls us the wolf pack. we became a blended unit of team meets friendship meets co-workers meets mastermind meets slumber parties and thai food meets lift ups meets what has become family. and he is part of that family now. and we have a huge old farm table to hold this family. the wolf pack keeps my rhythm because we are working and loving all at once. there is no separation. they have no jealousy for the other wolves and foxes and beautiful creatures in my life. they adore them, and invite them, and love them up. they are different and hold space in a way i have never experienced women so seamlessly do. it isn't friendship. it is family of choice. the rock. the sun. the truth. and the love. last night after going out for drinks and feeling feverish and like i shouldn't have left the loft i stripped down and climbed under a blanket on the couch. he grabbed a beer and we sat talking. i asked him questions and he told me stories. we exchanged deep love in the form of words and i fell more in love. and awe of this man i called into my experience. and we told more stories. as i sip the coffee going cold and feel huge gratitude for salt and vinegar potato chips when nothing else tastes good the blank screen starts to find words. i remind myself that the dishes will get washed and they will continue to be dirtied and i am allowed to rest. the disco lights dance on the white walls and i am dreaming of the barn. where we will have dance parties and sip wine while our life unfolds. we laugh so much and have more fun than i wonder if we are allowed to be having. and we fight. we have crazy passion. and we eat crazy amounts of potato chips. and i think about the dinner i want to make tonight to comfort us from days of sickness, fevers, wild dreams and restless sleep. tears fell down my cheeks over and over last night while we talked. old bits were moving out as fevers ask us to sit in the shadows and release. his words of love were calling me forth to the blank screen i now fill with the stories that are words shared from tiny moments inside of one day. a day of bare walls. shivers from sick skin. screens without words. drinks in an irish pub. loving texts from all the beautiful creatures in my life. hot toddy conversations. getting lost in his naked skin. staring into eyes that hold my entire universe. one day. and the love. boom. done. xo

the parts of you in a list. an on the eve prompt

we are for eachother: then laugh, leaning back in my arms for life’s not a paragraph ~ e.e. cummings she said :: "i feel like i am so many different people in one hour. the little girl, the woman, the bad ass, the asshole, the warrior. they get jumbled together and instead of feeling them i'm trying to ignore them." she said :: "i feel that way all the time. and i have been thinking about it a lot lately actually... and how trying to allow space for all of it often leaves me feeling exhausted and depleted. so here’s my recent flip. we need all these parts of ourselves. they are vital. because how amazing is that we have these selves to call upon to guide us through what is in front of us in any given moment. and even the ones that appear to be wounds or gaping holes are guides too. big time." this is how my women talk, daily. these women are my team, my inspirations, my heart. and we don't let any part of who we are get away with not being seen and loved. these women know that when i invite them over for a business mastermind dinner it will be one part business talk, one part yummy food and one part crazy making with kids everywhere and laughter and stories and sometimes a few tears. one of my wishes last year was to be the most amazing mom i could be, meaning less anger and exhaustion and more fun and loving moments. i could see her. she used to be part of me. she is fun and spontaneous and she includes her kids in all the parts of her life, including her business dinners. he said :: "do you realize that you have created the most amazing life for yourself? do you realize really what you have done?" he said :: "we have too much fun together. it just really shouldn't be allowed." he said :: "i will take a nap at lunch while you write today." this is the man i love. i tell him all the time that i do know that i have designed my life, the life of my dreams. it was no accident. i know what i want. i dream it, vision it, find the feeling inside of it and then i live inside that feeling. and he knows. because he is doing the same thing. this is my freedom. our freedom plan. my life of design which is now our life of our design. sometimes we feel almost guilty for how beyond amazing it is becoming. i tell him that i feel like i have two different parts to my work. the part that is the coach, the guide, the writer and the part that has built in enough space and ease in her life to be there full time for her kids, for him, for my women. i may not get paid in cash for this second part but it is why i do what i do. why i create what i create. why i am so driven to live inside this life of my design. so that all the parts of me have time to be lived fully. to be seen. i need to love up others. to cook for the people i love. to wake up with my love and make him breakfast while he readies for work. to host my women. to pick up my kids from school and sit at the table doing homework while singing katy perry songs. this freedom plan is creating the life of my dreams. possibly better than what i could even let myself dream. because when we let ourselves let go of the details, the universe might just raise the vibration on the details that come forth. i adore the parts of me. i love shape shifting as needed. pulling forth the parts of who i am and mixing and mingling them is a superpower. and so instead of ignoring all the parts of who we are, we feel them. allow them. welcome them. learn from them. believe that they are all teaching us something. and the more we love them up, the more they will start to integrate and feel seen. then we get to choose. what parts do we love the most? i love the story teller who can't tell a linear story and often forgets why she was even telling the story. she said :: "babe. i have three reasons for this. wait. i can't remember the second. but i have three." i love the wild, funky, fun, a little too loud, talk to anyone weird mama/woman. she said :: "mom. do you have to ask everyone their entire life? can't you just buy the boys a pretzel and just buy the pretzel?"

an on the eve prompt.

make a list of all the parts of you. the ones you adore. the ones you wish you could kick out. the ones that others remind you or mirror for you. get out a big piece of paper. make the list. then next to each one find the feeling inside of it. my story teller part is the feeling of joy and adoration. the wild funky part is connection and freedom. the mom who has no patience and yells part is fear and exhaustion. find all the feelings. then circle the ones you want to dress up inside of? which parts of you hold the feelings of the woman you want to embody and be inside of right now? which parts of her are the ones guiding you towards your own freedom plan, the life of your design? find the feelings. then go dress her up. does she need a scarf in her hair, silver fake tattoos on her arms, long feather earrings or a suit with heels and red lipstick? does she have a signature color (i am gray) or scent? does she go the market in her leather jacket and sexy boots looking like the hottest mom or does she put on her leggings and big sweater and sit on a sheepskin rug to write? every day she can be new, change, show up for the parts that she is today. and she can find love and softness for the parts that aren't her favorites because they all belong. they all guide her inside of her life of design. her freedom. her joy. her heart centered business that becomes her freedom plan. who is she today? who is the woman who believes she can dream, vision, create and manifest the life of her design? dress her up. be inside of the feeling. send blessings to all her parts. she said :: "today is amazing. and it is only becoming more amazing with the support of all of you. my circle. the ones who i tell my dreams to and who believe in them often more than i do." he said :: "good morning beautiful. i am a powerful manifestor." she said :: "i am ready. i've got this." today make your list. find the feeling of the parts you want to embody today. dress her up. let her be seen and felt. she is you. you are her. and this is the life of your design.

magic making business circle starts in the morning.

4 months. all your parts. all the feelings. all the work and ritual and rhythm. all the women circling you and your dreams. join us.

sexy and sanguine.

ss7

What :: 4 weeks of sexy and sanguine soulwork prompts, challenges and explorations

Why :: Confidence is freaking HOT.

When ::  November 16th

Cost :: $69 (sexiest price right?)

Your rogue ecstasy, your story of fantasy, your beautiful spaces?

Have you embraced the romance of waking up in your skin?

Can you feel the sensuality inside of grey, the rawness of an orange sky, the taste of a kiss full of red wine?

Do you reflect your light in others and draw their curiosity of pleasure into you?

Have you ripened? Have you ripened?

In a past life/future life have you stood in the blossoming of your sexuality with your senses exploding, in the gift of feeling?

And from that self that was or will be can you feel her guiding you?

Are you sexy and sanguine?

Do you feel belly passion?

Can you close your eyes and paint your beauty by numbers?

Is there a knowing in your toes, your ears, your breasts that each piece of you is loved and sacred and on the journey towards whole?

Is there a candle waiting to be lit that is celebrating you, celebrating her, celebrating this gorgeous life that you have claimed?

And where can you whisper ‘oh yes. oh yes. oh yes’?

Let me take you there. To the yes. To the roughness of your edges and the dance of your awakening.

Do you truly know her?

ss1

Sexy :: Stimulating. Erotic. Desirable. Appealing. Hot.

Sanguine :: Bloodred. Temperament of cheerfulness. Confidence.

When I was 22 I was out walking with a friend. I had long blonde hair, worked out often, was a champion dieter, known for really good skin and living in Seattle pursuing acting, 2 years away from marriage.

My friend said to me, “Whenever we are out I just watch men look at you, turn their heads.” 2 days later I went to a Salon and cut off all my hair. Not in the cute or sexy-declaration-of-myself-as-a-woman way, in the I-don’t-want-to-be-seen way. It terrified me. My sexual self, at 22, she scared me. I wanted to hide from her.

While many 22 year olds were out exploring their sexuality and beauty I found myself wanting to stuff it into a little box and find a hiding place for it. Part of my dieting history had so much to do with not wanting to be seen.

I was terrified of myself. Of my skin. Of my beauty. Of my yes.

This may not have been your 22 year old story. It may have happened after your marriage vows. Or when your first baby made her appearance. Maybe it was a story of a younger age or the fear of turning 50.

Or maybe your sexual confidence just slowly faded as the role of young woman turned into wife, mother, worker, nurturer, tender, multi-tasker.

ss3

Confidence is alluring, hot, sexy. Each year many of us choose a guiding word or phrase that will be the feeling we want to draw into our experiences, and it is a powerful practice. When I created this course last year my guiding phrase was gracefully sexy. All to lead me further into hot confidence.

Confidence is gracefully sexy.

Managing finances is gracefully sexy.

Feeling delicious in your skin is gracefully sexy.

Creating healthy boundaries is gracefully sexy.

Sexy and Sanguine Woman know…

• boundaries are beautiful.
• dreams come true from feelings.
• closets are sanctuaries.
• the shade of lipstick that lights them up, or the perfect lipgloss to plump.
• just when breakfast is for dinner and that bubbly can happen anytime, anywhere.
• the part of their body they always hated can actually guide their pleasure.
• pleasure.
• how to hold a gaze.
• how to receive. Really.
• how to stand in front of a mirror naked.
• to kiss and say hello before listing off complaints.
• beauty is in the details.
• how to hold space.
• feeling sexy is inside and out.
• that iterative living is gorgeous.
• how to take risks.
• saying yes is a turn on, after learning to say no.
• that listening changes everything.
• how to follow their animal spirit guide or tarot card into sacred space.
• that hot confidence is a practice.
• how to walk into a room and really see.
• how to ask the questions that flip it all around.
• that hot confidence is fierce magic.
• that an awakening is non-negotiable.

ss4

What you’ll need for this course…

• A camera, iphone is great
• Some apps for your picture editing which I'll share with you at start
• A journal to poem and vision in, I love Moleskines
• Some white space, clear the calendar a bit for some sexy and sanguine prompts
• A hot date, with yourself, with a girlfriend or many, with your lover… in celebration

How it will work...

• One prompt a day for 28 days alternating between photo prompts and soulwork prompts
• Guest posts from women who have made a practice of loving and photographing their bodies
• A FB group where we will gather and share our photos and our soulwork
• An instagram hashtag for online sharing, though those photos will be the more cropped versions ;)
• 4 weeks of learning to feel incredibly sexy in our skin

ss5

I look at who I am now after a year of this sexy and sanguine guiding soulwork and I am blown away. I feel gorgeous in my skin. I take my really bad days and I flip them around by getting infront of my camera. I made some huge life shifting decisions in this last year that took me from an edge of pain and unknowing into joy and movement.

ss6

I learned to spend time with my belly, the part of my body that gave me the most angst, torture that I had carried since childhood.

I photographed my belly, spent time adoring it and let myself lead my sexuality with this part of me that for so long had been hidden as though it was what made me unworthy of love. I look at the pictures of me now I can't believe I am the same woman. I feel like I have grown new skin. Every part of my cells seem to have changed into something lighter and filled with compassion and adoration for my own eyes.

My invitation to you is to come along for 4 weeks but to know that this journey will last into your year of 2016. It will be the beginning of a practice into deep sexy and sanguine living. I believe it will change your life.

Looking at yourself through the lens, doing the soulwork prompts, letting other women adore you and see you, you will not leave the same woman. You will leave with your sexy and sanguine in your soul.

I know, you have some questions...

Do I have to get naked? Nope. But most of the women do in some way start to look at their body, their skin, their nakedness through the camera. Often it is just the curve of a hip or their shoulder and arm in the sunlight. You absolutely do not.

Do I need to share all my photos in the group? You can share whatever feels good to you. Or share them with your partner privately. Or keep them all to yourself. This is about you seeing you through your lens. I will say one of the most life changing parts of this course is seeing other women's bodies and the words that flow back to them and lift them. I am  in awe of the beauty that I am met with each day inside of this circle.

I am taking your Magic Making Business Circle, will I be able to do both? You absolutely can. What I always suggest is that you carve out a little bit of time each day for this soul work, kind of like the ritual of a cup of coffee or morning shower. The Business course will be weekly prompts, giving us time to explore and take big actions and this course is daily. Tiny bites of prompts. I deeply believe that both work together.

We will also be able to use this course as a great reference for the work we are doing in biz, as well as talking about things from Community Grace (which we will pull in).

I know you have more questions. Email us at hello@hannahmarcotti.com and we'll find an answer or two just for you.

shrimp. jim carrey. a hampster

 

(photo from ruthpclark.com) i soaked the brown rice in water and apple cider vinegar. defrosted the shrimp. rubbed the kale. rubbed it some more. watched for hours as it went from over flowing the bowl down to a small tight mound of green. the kids always know when it is a night when i need them to desire less attention from me. they push for just a bit more than they typically ask for. but they are so much fun. i had asked two of my dearest friends, ruth and melissa, to come over and i would feed them and do some business coaching/masterminding with their businesses. i am out of practice and i wanted some beautiful humans to work with. and i knew we would have fun, no matter what. i had an image of the night that didn't match up. what i received was a huge gift. laughter. my kids showing me how amazing they are and how good we are and how right i was making the choices i have made so i can be the mother i have always wanted. my life being designed beautifully after a whole shit ton of hard work. my boyfriend texting me saying he was thinking of me and wishing he was there with us. my friends loving each other up. talking about their dreams and visions and more dreams. and I sat there in absolute joy. i felt like i was home. because i am home. home in my skin, in my knowing, in my fear, in my failures, in my risks, in my love, in my mothering, in my dharma, in my sexuality, in my happiness. i am home. and the people gathering around me are manifestations of what i have desired for as long as i can remember. they let me nurture them and love them and hold space for them and laugh with them and then they ask me what i need and then tell me how they are going to show up for me. i am home. and we talk business as the kids show up in their own ways around us. accepting this, accepting me, accepting this life i have been dreaming of for them. we talk about hope and faith. we eat shrimp and rice and kale. and ruth googles jim carrey's famous speech. and he says, "hope walks through the fire and faith leaps over it." i feel like i am flying over the fire. i feel lifted and loved in ways i never thought i would be able to take in, to draw into myself. our hamster that has been missing and suspected of building her nest under our oven made some commotion as we were talking business in the living room. we miss her. she was my companion during the early days of separation when the kids would be at their dad's house and i would be with myself, struggling to know who i was now. we miss her. so my middle little one set up watch and waited for one hour until he finally saw her run out to taste an orange we set out for her. she saw him and ran away. and his tears slipped out as he slid into bed after his hunting for the little hamster came to an end. and we continued to laugh. and dream. we turned out the lights so the boys could sleep. and i sat on my chair and saw the texts from the man i am falling more in love with every minute that passes. i felt like i was glowing. my women. my kids. my man. even my hamster. faith. i walked through the fire for years. and it hurt. and i was lost. but now my faith is so strong i am flying. the hope brought me to risk. the pain of what i knew was not my destiny, the walking through fire, the hard work. it gave me wings. and joy. and here i am. leaping over fire. home. inside the giggles and snuggles and deep kisses and long talks. the simplest things bring me joy. cooking them dinner. listening to their silliness. rubbing his feet as he tells me stories of his past. knowing texts from friends i adore. my women leave and the kids are asleep. the house is dark and quiet. the hamster making no movement. i pour a glass of water and brush my teeth. i think about setting the coffee pot but am too tired. i text him back. the words that have become ours over the last few months. "i love you still." and at the same time we text each other... "i love you again." and we leap over the fire together. xo

i ask for so little

 

i have a story. in three bubbles.

part martyr bubble. part not allowing bubble. part fear bubble.

my story starts with these words, "well, i ask for so little, so..."

the martyr bubble has no idea how to receive. she only does. only wants to do. i mean, she asks for so little and does so much. please don't try to do for her. she has no time for that.

the not allowing bubble part of the story has not learned how to look inside and figure out what she needs. and she has needs. lots of them. she spent so long not having needs met that she doesn't even know how to search for them, so she asks for so little...

the fear bubble is an interesting one. the fear is that it is not safe to ask. it is not safe to want. it is selfish to need. and the biggest fear, that she doesn't deserve to need or communicate those needs.

i have been telling this story, with my little bubbles, for a long (long) time. a beautiful soul recently challenged me around my story. he challenged me to think about what i was really saying with those words, how i was triggering others and creating a system of my expectations from others.

and after he challenged my story i saw the bubbles fall down around me. and i realized how layered this story was. and how it was holding me down and creating disconnect in relationships.

i must learn how to receive and allow others to receive pleasure from doing for me. i also need to learn that i don't have to hold it all myself.

i am allowed to need. to want. to ask. i am allowed to go inside and figure out what feels good to me and communicate those needs. without fear.

and fear? teaching me so much. as fear does. it is teaching me that i am ready to feel safe. to ask for safety when i ask for what i need. my needs may not be able to be met the way i hope, i may have to adjust or call in patience, but they don't stand a shot if i don't ask. if i don't put myself out there.

so i wrote a new story. in three bubbles.

and it goes something like this, "i look inside for what i need. in safety i am able to share my needs. meeting my needs brings others joy."

boom.

Moving Day

 

she is grace, love and abundance. she has taught me how to receive, how to understand, how to know myself at a deeper level. and she is moving. leaving the country for a year. she is selling all her belongings and moving out of the country. she is bravery. risk. and gorgeous.

her bravery triggered my fears. about losing her, being alone, being left. she is one of my secret weapons in business, the person i talk to about playing 'small' rather than wanting to be bigger than what my life and heart can hold. i pushed her away when i couldn't hold the sadness around her leaving. my fears in life and love and business were all unearthed as she prepared to move. and she is moving.

she has set up her life and love and business so that she can be anywhere. at any time. she is letting go of all she owns so she can be free and stretch to a new edge. there are tears and nerves and growing pains for her, for him, for all of us. my love and i went and helped her, them, pack up their home. we took her furniture and her energy with us into the second half of our lives together. her energy and blessings are pulsing inside of the physical things she is releasing to us. and she holds my heart, as she prepares to move.

her moving day feels like the moment i knew i would have a third baby and had lost myself and had to find her again. her moving day feels like the moment i enrolled in school to start a business that called to me and scared me. her moving day feels like the moment i told him i was done and my heart needed to be set free. her moving day feels like the first moment i paid for rent and food and bills for my kids and i all on my own from the money i earned from the business i grew out of nothing into something. her moving day feels like the moment he asked if he could kiss me, our nerves were palpable and we were both shaking inside. her moving day feels like the moment i decided to trust him to be my life partner, because it scares me that he might be gone tomorrow. her moving day feels like the moment i launch a new program wondering if i will be able to pay rent and feed my kids and plan the next six months of income. her moving day feels like the moment i believed in me, in her, in him, in my life's calling, in my family.

her moving day is a good-bye and a hello. an end that is the beginning. a fear that is love.

her moving day is everything i have risked to set up my life so that i can be free and circle and be there for my calling.

her moving day is how we change our lives. how we risk it. how we call in the next vibration of who we are becoming.

her moving day is her knowing that her business will allow her to be inside of freedom and joy and release.

her moving day is a promise and whisper and reminder and vibration for all of us that it is worth it. the fear. the uncertainty. the chance. the unknowing that is the deepest knowing. the iterations that are now. now.

she is grace. she is my constant. she holds me tight as i cry into her neck. she tells me that i deserve all of it. she promises me as she stands there on her moving day that everything that blesses me now is because i give and now the return is a million fold. she squeezes me as i tell her how much i love her and that i can do this, i can let her go because her going is freedom for all of us.

and she is moving. and she is so blessed because she is risk, she is joy, she is the knowing inside the truth that movement changes everything.

xo

Magic Making Business Circle

I found out I was pregnant with Lucas, my third baby,  just as I was starting to feel like I was entering the world from a long deep stay inside of raising young children. I got scared that I would lose myself and yet I was so thrilled at the idea of another baby, surprise that he was.

I made a leap of faith to enroll in school to become a health coach. At that point in my life my second, Eli, was eating 'quesadilla pizzas' which were brown rice and seaweed in a tortilla, so food as health and medicine was my thing. (Disclaimer, no longer does quesadilla pizza filled with seaweed fly with my kids!)

I spent almost a year piling my whole family plus our dog into a tiny car (which is why we eventually got a minivan) and spending weekends in NYC going to school during the day, coming back at night to nurse the baby who would boycott a bottle all day long. He was four months old when I started and walking by the time I graduated.

I love food. I love food as medicine. But what really lit me up were the chunks of time at school when they would talk about business. I realized this was my turn-on. Marketing. Sales. Creating your own income based on your passion. Freedom.

My whole life I wanted my own business. I own a lot of domain names. A. Lot.

I come up with a new business idea almost daily.

When I started my business, called Hannah's Harvest, I didn't know how to send an attachment inside of an email. I had only just signed up for Facebook, clueless of the reach it would one day provide for my business. I had amazing mentors and coaches in my life. They patiently taught me step by step how to do everything from writing a blog post to editing a photo to starting a newsletter.

I studied businesses that I adored. I watched. I learned. I saw what I didn't like. I saw what I loved. I was patient. I accepted that I would fail a shit ton before I would succeed. Every 'failure' I flipped into a learning moment.

The second year of business I made about $2,000 and I was out of my mind happy. It took me 4 more years to make an income that provides my gorgeous home, my life, my freedom. More than anything I am so proud of myself. That I kept going. That I knew I would and could do this. I was born for this. I was made to create businesses that make others feel amazing, special, loved, understood, seen, held.

My dharma is making others feel special and know that they can do anything, anything, they dream of.

I am a manifestor of the life of my dreams. I am a magic maker. I am all I desire.

There are days when I worry. When I want to quit and give up and run away. When I am exhausted with single parenting three kids and running two businesses. Those days are part of the magic. The magic of knowing what we want.

I want more ease inside of my businesses and so I am constantly challenging my own business model. I still think most days that I am that tired mama making $2000 in the business she created out of nothing. Because she is my superhero. She is my motivation. She is my muse. I adore what she created for me. Because she never gave up. She doesn't give up. She knows she can do hard things and does them.

I am a magic maker. And so are you.

My invitation to you is to step inside a circle of women who are creating the businesses of their dreams or are dreaming of the businesses that will one day light them up, turn them on, create their freedom.

My invitation to you is to believe in your soulwork. In your dharma. In your joy.

My invitation to you is to become the magic maker who allows failure to fuel them, who tries, who doesn't give up. Who fights for what they know they were put here to do.

My invitation to you is to join our circle and find your magic. Your business. Your heart centered work.

My invitation to you is to say yes to all that you know you can create, inside of the most amazing circle of women you will ever meet.

My invitation to you is to say yes. And yes again. And again.

We start November 11th on the cusp of the New Moon and will circle together for four months. When you sign up the first payment comes out now and each month after there is an auto withdrawal on the same date each month for the three months following.

$89.00 for four months

Inside this circle ::

• monthly group coaching live calls which will be recorded
• a free invitation to join Community Grace if you sign up by September 1st, as preparation for the work we will be doing
• weekly prompts to help you move forward, take risks, open yourself to marketing, dreaming and creating in a new way
• a circle of women working inside of their heart centered businesses to inspire and support
• live chats inside of our Facebook group circle to ask me anything and share with the circle
• the invitation to celebrate yourself and all that you bring to the world, to celebrate your gifts and superpowers

We will explore ::

• marketing that allows you to feel authentic and true
• money. yes. money.
• communication with tribe and building that tribe
• blogging, newsletters, bios, sales pages... you know, the writing piece
• how to use social media for expanding and connecting
• failure and success
• upper limit ceilings and sicknesses (oh yes, this is a big one)
• patience and pacing and movement and inspired actions
• and you know, all the things that come up along the way

 What women who have participated in MMC for Business are saying:

"Exploring business with Hannah is like doing anything with Hannah – filled with magic! If you are into smart, sexy, sacred work then this is place for you. The ways that this program changed my business (and me) are too many to be named here but I will share that for years the biggest struggle in my business was how to market my work in this world without the ick factor. One of the most important things I learned from working with Hannah was how to connect with my tribe and share my offerings in a way that feels heart-centered and authentic. Hannah’s program is filled with soul-stirring prompts to fuel your business (and your life) and a creative community to support you along the journey. Imagine a virtual living room full of like-minded businesswomen who will become your dear friends! Hannah gathers some of the most amazing women on the planet and the connection I’ve found in her circles is unmatched."   - Mindy Scime 

"If you are ready and willing for your heart to lead the dance inside of your business... if you are ready to have faith in success that seems to have no roadmap but sure seems to have a lot of happy possibilities... If you are ready to surrender to the beautiful truth that your business, and your life, might in fact be better than you ever believed, then say OH YES and enjoy the ease that follows.     -Melissa Mulligan 

"Sometimes the bits and pieces of running or starting a business can feel so dry and overwhelming, but not in Hannah's business circles!  She taught me how to bring the magic of manifestation and of loving insight into my business. During our time together in the circle, she gave both loving encouragement and the occasional ass-kicking as needed. As always, she brings her honesty, spot-on intuition, and big, big love to her people. The participants in the group were amazing too and the circle provided such a rich support where I could bring my questions and issues to the table and receive a wide variety of incredible perspectives.

As a result of working in the circle, my own business continues to grow and I began a second one. I always love my work with Hannah and bringing the magic to my businesses has been a whole other level of awesomeness!"  - Marisa Donlin

Come home to me baby

I am learning to drive a boat. This is a dream. One I barely knew I held. In a place I now hold as another home. A heart home. A home where love is more than I ever imagined and twinkle lights tease the water as I sip my morning coffee and say prayers to the lake.

I am learning to drive a boat. I need constant practice and repetition to feel secure and safe when I am driving. Docking the boat can make me feel like a complete failure.

The first time I took the wheel it was going at a snail's pace. I couldn't control it. Every time I turned the wheel there would be a delay in the movement of the boat so I would think I needed to turn it more or differently. I didn't realize I had to be patient and wait.

When you are going slowly in a motor boat it is constant adjustments, it is harder than when the boat is on a plane, which might be one of my most intensely joyful feelings.

Every now and then when I get the boat into a plane (which means you go really really fast and the boat literally rises on top of the water and it feels like flying) and then I back off the speed the plane falls away. I am still learning to talk and listen to the boat and the water and the wind to find the speed that it is asking to be at to stay on the plane each time. And each time it is different.

You have to learn to feel it.

When I fall off the plane I feel frustration and like I will never get it. I like to get things right. I don't like to fail.

I have patience issues. I want everything I want now. I don't want to wait. I don't want to make constant adjustments because I don't like going slow.

I am learning to drive a boat. The boat is teaching me to feel speed and movement. The other night I drove my love and I out to the big basin during magic hour. I got up into a plane and the wind blew my hair and the sky was pink and I was watching this man sit on his boat and be driven, I watched him relax as I took control.

I cried as the wind stung my eyes.

Then we tucked ourselves into a spot where we could both sit and watch the sunset while the boat rocked us deeper into a snuggle.

The sky kept changing. From pink to purples to blues and grays. We were both in awe. It was one of the favorite moments of my life.

It is what I hold onto when we fall off of our personal plane. When we go from feeling so high and in love to fighting and being triggered from our past twenty years each of old stories and hurts and wounds and holes and fears.

We are scared. We are scared of how good this feels inside of a really fucked up time. Two divorces, kids, transitions, a time when neither of us expected to meet and fall in love in about two hours. We go from a snail's pace making constant adjustments for the other to being on the plane, tears of joy stinging our eyes and then we stop listening, hearing and we fall off the plane.

Boom. Ouch. Fear. More fear.

We have our old fears. The ones we carried from childhood into our past marriages and then created new ones inside of soul contracts that needed to end.

We have those fears and they are being challenged by the other that maybe they are no longer true.

When you challenge someone's deepest fears by giving them more love than they have ever felt, it should be easy, but, it kind of is like when I mess up docking the boat or I fall off a plane and I pull away from the wheel and say, "forget it, i can't do this."

It is that moment of wanting to run from what you want most because it means you have to be inside of the fear, challenge it for yourself because no one can confront it for you.

Every time I witness myself manifest my fears I am amazed at how powerful of a manifestor I am. Luckily I have a partner and friends who won't let me get away with the fears being more than my joy bubble.

After I refused to touch the boat again after messing up the docking and then turning the starter instead of shutting the engine down (yep, seriously) I made a choice to vision my next boat ride. I saw the planes, I saw myself feeling the water, the boat, the wind. I asked my love to talk me slowly through each thing as though I had never done any of it before so I could feel safe in my fear of messing up.

I docked perfectly. I understood and I visioned it before and during. And my love held space for my fear. He let me process then heard what I needed to move through the fear together.

And now I find myself needing to give him space for his fears. I need to let him process and hear what he needs from me.

We are making constant adjustments every time we slow down and make space so that we may find our way to each other.

We want to come home to each other. We want to dock the boat together. We want to create a new way of loving and nurturing and holding space.

We plane. We fall. We make love. We adjust again. We feel. We listen. We hear. We process. We dock. We make more love.

And we say...

Come home to me baby, come home.

xo - Hannah

Laughing Loon Retreat

We have only 4 spaces left at our magical retreat where loons swim and candles are generously lit.

And the food... well, the food will be amazing.

The Laughing Loon retreat from September 24-27th  in Maine.

Join us.

Community Grace. Magic in your hands.

 

A 30 day course in community, connection and gathering

October 13th under the New Moon

$79

The first idea came as I was walking the dog thinking about my weekly newsletter, Making Space, and my heart was overflowing with the gratitude for the responses I get from this gorgeous community each time I send one out. I thought, this is community grace. It feels like a long table under the stars, set with water glasses and wine goblets, bowls flowing with salads and soups and community gathering around in truth and harmony. Being together, sharing a common goal (that beautiful meal and conversation).

To me community grace is each of our hands showing the deep truth of who we are and what we desire. Our hands painting or cooking or writing or praying or holding or sewing or touching or planting or smoothing the table cloth on the long wooden table as we prepare for our meal.

They always have a story, each program I create. If my memory was better I would remember what the idea for this program first was. It wasn't as it looks now. It grew and expanded, it shape shifted into Community Grace.

The idea settled in and started to talk to me, as they all do. They almost create themselves as I witness what they want to become. My community without knowing it helps each program become what it needs to be.

Gathering your community, your audience, is finding those that deeply resonate with and need the words you are sharing with them. A community can start with just one other person or 100 people. Each person in your community is unique and helps you stand in your light.

I want to guide you towards creating your own community grace. I want you to see that creating community can be as simple as holding out your hands in trust and truth and asking others to walk with you.

(photo Ruth Clark)

For 30 days we will play::

• A prompt every other day for 30 days, a day to explore it and a day to talk about it within our private community.
• New ways to think about using your words, images, social media and other resources to build connection and audience.
• Intuitive strategies to start to create the community you want to guide and be a part of.
• Gentle pushes to move through the fear of your voice.
• A chance to 'play' with your words, images and connections through prompts that open you up a bit.
• Connecting the word joyful to your writing.
• Find a new way to view virtual connecting. (I adore it!)
• How to see newsletters, social media, blogging and marketing as amazingly beautiful tools, like love notes.
• Expand your safe boundaries, push your edges, explore how to assemble your community.
• Closed Facebook community group where we will hold our discussions and connect with one another

Who is this for::

• Women who are using their words to gather community and build tribe.
• Women who are blogging inside of businesses.
• Women who are writing and want to find a way to expand their connections and create a little community grace in their lives.
• Women who crave deeper connection and tribe within their work, online or off.
• Women who are ready to stop viewing social media and marketing as bad.
• Women who believe that creativity and intuition are vital parts of business and gathering.
• Women who desire tribe around their blog or business.
• Women who are open to exploring connection, bravery and vulnerability inside their work.

Words from women in my community::

"In the clamor and noise of marketing mayhem, Hannah Marcotti writes in a gentle yet fierce voice. In Community Grace, I turned my thinking around. Instead of trying to "promote to my target audience," I learned that I needed to attract the people I want to hang out with and who want to hang out with me. This was huge medicine for me as an online entrepreneur.

Hannah taught us how to find and envision the grace that is within, to honor it and express it. Even better, we came together as a community that was loving and supportive."

"This program came into my life at the exact moment I needed it. I was craving direction in my new business and blog, and Hannah gave us such a gift with helping us discover our voices. I found my way to connect to my tribe through my writing, and at the same time, dive deeper into my true self and embracing my vulnerability. I made life long friends with the other women who joined. This program expanded my business and my world. I am so grateful for my experience."

"The catalysts for my biggest a-ha moments during the program were pieces of your story and the stories of our Joy sisters - the reflection of self and possibility, connecting us all as one."

"I’m a writer who believes ARDENTLY in the power of community. I thrive when I’m connected to other writers who can just hold space for my work and share what it’s like to be living the writers life. The community you’ve created, Hannah, is so unique and so special. I think we’re all called to connect with others when we need it most– and I really believe the communities we find are the exact ones we need at that point in our lives."

"I am missing Hannah's daily emails, it had become part of my morning ritual. I would read them on my cell phone before getting out of bed every morning."

"Thank you all so much for your unconditional love, support, laughs and tears. Love being a part of this amazing group."

"I did not have any expectations going in and I learned this: to allow my creative side to gets its groove back, slow my roll and enJOY more of the *now* and gobble up all the inspiring stories of your daily letters and the fantastically beautiful, strong women in this group."

When will we start to play::

• October 13th under the New Moon
• A prompt one day, a group discussion around it the next. For 30 days. 15 prompts, 15 days to explore and discuss each prompt.
• This is play, fun, expanding your vision for the power of your blog or business.

Questions you might have::

Is this a writing course? No, I won't be critiquing your writing but I will be giving you prompts to explore using your words to gather the strength of community and connection around your writing. I know awesome writing coaches if you need a reference.

Will the prompts help me with blogging? I hope so! We will play and you will explore your words in different ways. My hope is that you'd get some great posts written inspired by writing for connecting and community building.

In 30 days will I have increased my community? If you connect with just one person in these 30 days the answer to this will be yes! And I will be asking you to connect.

Will you be telling stories of how you built your community and made such awesome connections? Why of course, thanks for asking, I love to tell stories! I will be sharing through stories written and some videos during the 30 days.

Is this about making more money with my blog? Nope, not during these 30 days. Eventually, yes. Our focus is not on money but on building connection and community around your blog or business. The money making bit is that next layer on top of the community. But if you don't have a community to sell to, you aren't making any money.

Do I need to be active on the Facebook group? Yes. This is where we will explore and discuss together. Not everyone will be as prolific as others on the group but to fully get the experience of the course (which is all about connection and community) you need to show up. If Facebook has never been your thing, let me convince you that this group is magical, but you have to show up and give me the chance to sway you!

What if I'm not playful in the online world? Then go ahead and sign up, I'll help you with that! We will play and I hope that at the end of these days you will view social media and marketing with new eyes.

A 30 day course in community, connection and gathering

October 13th, under the New Moon

$79

Because we love hard. Deep. Strong

 

My partner and I recently visited a neighbor who had lost his wife in January. They were together for fifty years.

For fifty years they were love.

For fifty years he worshipped her.

For fifty years a love affair.

For fifty years if their love is anything like mine, there was passion in the form of brilliant sex and fights and highs and lows.

And now he is angry that she is gone. He is angry that the end of her life was all about changing her diapers and lifting her when she fell and then she died and he is left with all the grief and nothing defining him anymore.

He put her love letters into a book with pictures of them over the years. He writes her poems every day.

I sat next to him on his chair on the sand and I cried and touched his arm as he opened the book of love letters to read us some.

He was one of the saddest humans I have held space for. I knew as we spent time with him that I was there to give him a chance to be heard, even though it was really hard for us to hear it all as he was lost in grief and anger at the loss.

I also knew that I was there with my partner, on the sand that day because love is my superpower.

I love hard. Deep. Strong.

When I am grounded my love is a gift. When I am scared, flailing in my life my love can be hard to hold, it can push people away.

I struggle with letting others love me. The receiving of love feels almost impossible some days. I can hear my love say, "I love you," and within minutes not be able to believe it or feel it. Like it gets flung into space the moment it is given to me and I look up to the sky curious as to what could be up there.

There is a little gap in my love superpower. It can't be truly whole unless I practice letting others love me, show up for me.

I think some days I am holding up the world and if I stop, if I let my guard down and show vulnerability or I ask for help or I just simply let others control some of it, the world will crack.

And in that crack everything I love and have worked for will fall into that crack in the world and I will be alone with no one to love.

What I am being taught through other's love for me is that the crack is actually there. The crack is mine. It is in my heart, my soul. It is my damage. My baggage. My old stories and fears.

The only thing I am holding up by trying to love without letting others do for me is an unwillingness to be free inside of love.

Love is my superpower. And there is a crack inside of it.

That crack is my healing place. It is where my anger flows so it may be released into fears that may be released into sadness that may be released into a smile that may be released into joy that may be released into melting into the love from others as I learn to feel it.

I love hard. Deep. Strong.

And I am loved hard. Deep. Strong.

Love is my superpower. And I will receive it. I will feel it.

We left our neighbors house and processed the experience together. We poured a glass of wine and sat outside and talked about the parts of his story that made an impact on us, and the way the love had turned into so many other feelings.

We talked about how our love had made us believe in a forever again. In fifty years, though I want sixty. Our love is changing me forever. Healing me. Our love is messy and raw and sometimes makes me want to run so fast because I am so scared of the anger and grief that comes up for us as we are healing our wounds.

I keep thinking about our neighbors love and sadness. His love affair and how I knew we needed to be there for him on this day.

Because love is how superpower.

Because we love hard. Deep. Strong.

Especially in the cracks.