i have a story. in three bubbles.
part martyr bubble. part not allowing bubble. part fear bubble.
my story starts with these words, "well, i ask for so little, so..."
the martyr bubble has no idea how to receive. she only does. only wants to do. i mean, she asks for so little and does so much. please don't try to do for her. she has no time for that.
the not allowing bubble part of the story has not learned how to look inside and figure out what she needs. and she has needs. lots of them. she spent so long not having needs met that she doesn't even know how to search for them, so she asks for so little...
the fear bubble is an interesting one. the fear is that it is not safe to ask. it is not safe to want. it is selfish to need. and the biggest fear, that she doesn't deserve to need or communicate those needs.
i have been telling this story, with my little bubbles, for a long (long) time. a beautiful soul recently challenged me around my story. he challenged me to think about what i was really saying with those words, how i was triggering others and creating a system of my expectations from others.
and after he challenged my story i saw the bubbles fall down around me. and i realized how layered this story was. and how it was holding me down and creating disconnect in relationships.
i must learn how to receive and allow others to receive pleasure from doing for me. i also need to learn that i don't have to hold it all myself.
i am allowed to need. to want. to ask. i am allowed to go inside and figure out what feels good to me and communicate those needs. without fear.
and fear? teaching me so much. as fear does. it is teaching me that i am ready to feel safe. to ask for safety when i ask for what i need. my needs may not be able to be met the way i hope, i may have to adjust or call in patience, but they don't stand a shot if i don't ask. if i don't put myself out there.
so i wrote a new story. in three bubbles.
and it goes something like this, "i look inside for what i need. in safety i am able to share my needs. meeting my needs brings others joy."