Yes Chloe, I do understand your sensitivity.

 

(Photo 2008, those ferns in the back, most definitlely have died.)

"My own mother doesn't understand my sensitive nature!!!"

When my daughter screamed at me the other night that I didn't understand her sensitivity, I locked myself in the bedroom with a cup of tea, and my computer, and let her father deal with it.

The next morning he said, "Hey, so I have an idea for you to have a really good day today. Just tell Chloe you are sorry."

I didn't want to say sorry. I wanted to tell her::

When you were a baby you cried 8-9 hours a day. Everything about becoming a parent was shattered in my heart. I loved you but I couldn't understand what I had done to create a baby so sad, so hurt, so wanting, so lost, so hurt.

And I held you as you cried and I cried. We spent the next 6 months this way. I never thought it would end. Somehow it did.

But then you continunued to need to nurse all night long to stay asleep. If I even moved my body you would wake. You would nurse so many times a night that I thought I would dry up and fade away. The women in my life told me to let you cry it out. But I knew that you needed me in a way I couldn't explain. Something inside of me knew I had to do this for you.

Then you turned 2 and I knew you were ready. I told you that we would be having our last nurse before you fell asleep and then nurse again in the morning. We spent two nights with you hitting me, screaming at me, punching my back because I had to turn away and cry while you worked out your pain.

My relationship with the man I fell in love with at 19 suffered because I had nothing in me to give him. I was used up. Neither of us blame kids, but we both know that we lost each other.

I protected you with a fierceness that only a mama bear, or a mama with a child with highly sensitive needs understands. You became my world. I no longer recognized myself. You were my reality.

We would go to story time, you were almost three years old, me pregnant with your brother, and you would have to nurse 4 times to make it through. Thank God for my friends who I met when we moved, who also nursed toddlers. I'm not sure I would have made it through that time without them.

I loved your sensitivity. I nurtured it. I lived it. I became it. I am it.

Now you are 11. Sensitive. Beautiful. Smarter than I may ever have been. Not obesessed with boys (can't relate!). An artist that somehow grew from my belly.

Yes Chloe, I do understand your sensitivity.

Inside of my own sensitivity I didn't know how to just let you be seen and understood. Then your father told me to say sorry. And when I did you looked at me with such joy and said, "Thank you." It was that simple.

You healed my own child's heart showing me how easy it can be. That I don't have to lecture you, or be right. That I can just say sorry and make your eyes sparkle and your love for me shine.

So I will say sorry over and over and over when I make you feel wrong. Because well, I'm kind of senstitive too.

I kind of really truly love us this way.

if you travel far enough.

"If you travel far enough,

one day you will recognize yourself

coming down the road to meet you.

And you will say

YES."

~ Marion Woodward

An answer to a beautiful question...

Sometimes I wake up and I have pains from my head down my jaw and into my shoulders. Maybe sinus,maybe clenching, maybe stress but most likely all three. I should take stock in Motrin.

I get panic attacks. They have become more like waves than sitting outside the emergency room waiting for the impending heart attack. Those were last year. This year the waves.

My kids fight a lot of the time and it brings me to my knees. And then I yell and knees aren't low enough for how I fall.

I put on weight when I am in a place of unknowing, or cocooning, or feeling scared. And then looking in the mirror is hard. I do it anyway and it can feel like physical pain to know that I am back here again. Learning the same thing over and over and over.

And over. And needing the next size jeans.

I forget to drink water. I wish I could be hooked up to an IV and hydrated once a week. Sometimes I even buy a gatorade and drink it as fast as I can.

I am driving on two flat tires because making appointments to have things or teeth or body parts fixed is not my strength.

I killed my daughter's fish, got mad at Patrick last night because I didn't think he was being supportive (think being the word here) and let my 8 year old stay home because I didn't want to be alone today.

When I got my circle tattoo on my finger they didn't close the circle. I thought they did. But they didn't. And I believe it is the Universe giving me a sign and maybe someday I will close it. Or not.

Sometimes I hurt when I think friends no longer like me or don't need what I give. When I put my heart into things and then feel sad. The fear of losing relationships a constant and getting lost in that, but more than that. Knowing that it does happen and I will be OK. I will be OK.

Some days I can't find my gratitude and I feel like I complained and hid and threw tantrums.

There are memories that haunt me and cycle back into my body and I want to free them.

I am intense and it can be a lot for others to hold.

At 6pm I realize I have nothing for dinner.

This is why my hot cup of coffee each morning made for me with love is sacred.
This is why I wear beautiful jewelry every day and dress myself for how I want to feel.
This is why I pray through words, altars, surrender, tea bags, giggles, connection, texts.
This is why fresh flowers matter.
This is why I send love notes through Fb, texts, the mail, feathers, lipstick, emails.
This is why the picture of the feather my daughter drew for me reminds me that she is watching.
This is why I circle with women who believe in magic and risk and doing things that feel out of their comfort zone.
This is why I keep trying and hoping when every sign points to the shitstorm.
This is why soulwork saves my soul.
This is why there are so many pictures of me on Instagram.
This is why one bite of a chocolate cupcake wearing a vegan leather jacket can feel like a tiny piece of bliss.
This is why gratitude looks like a piece of pie or meeting your girlfriend at the mall on a Wednesday night or patience for feelings you have inside.
This is why I often send out the SOS text for a bottle of red around 5:00pm.
This is why that hug on the beach, barefoot and crying will happen. Over and over.
This is why when I find a shirt that feels like heaven on my skin I buy 4. And then 5.
This is why I don't have to ask how you feel but rather how you want to feel inside of your beautiful dreams.
This is why your stories are mine. Mine yours. And every word is precious.
This is why beautiful is one of my favorite words and joy lives in my gut.
This is why I no longer try to make everyone happy but rather live in my truth.
This is why the irony of scared and sacred isn't lost on me.
This is why there is no doubt magic exists.
This is why love takes so many shapes. Even an unclosed circle.
This is why I love this life now.
This is why I say thank you to my own heart.
This is why when I go to bed I think about who I want to be the next day.
This is why waking up to that coffee is my starting moment, with each sip telling me a story of now.

This is why.

Because it isn't happening to me, it is happening within me.

This is why.

The shifts that I can make blow my mind. So can the sadness I feel. So can the love.

This is why seeing how much beauty exists, even inside of pain, forever guides me.

This is why I travel.

This is my yes.

***

(From Thursday morning love letter from me to you. Sign up in the box up there on the right to receive your little Thursday morning love.)

My answer.

Photo Ruth Clark Photography.

A bladder loved.

 

My bladder still leaks. Sometimes I am so used to it and then I attend a wedding in my hot little red dress and start to jump on the dance floor and with the warm release remember that I have holes. Leaks. Places that no longer work as they once did. I have to keep stopping and padding. I jump less and feel slight embarrassment with each trip to the bathroom.

So, it leaks. I'm working on it. I don't believe I will live with this forever. I do love the irony that bladder issues have to do with holding, with fear of letting go. So mine just lets go a lot since emotionally I am a master holder!

The pain from Interstitial Cystitis is mostly gone. Holy shit. I'll type that again. The pain is mostly gone. Today was the first day I've had a flare up in months. Months. This part of me working better than it has in so many years. I can have sex with ease and fun. My body can move and flow. It feels a bit like a rebirth for this part of my body, this feminine squishy loved place.

I feel sexy. I feel open. I feel my yes.

(Please grab that mantra for yourself.)

***

The pain was the crazy gift. I love my bladder. I have deep respect for all it does and even for what it can no longer do.

I understand that when I am 'off' like today it is a reminder that I am heading towards a new place. And that I must drink water even though I don't like to pee often.

It is my gentle nudge that I must start to create the nest for the new.

This loved bladder of mine allows me to feel present. To not run away.

Being present means not always being strong. It means feeling tired (like I am today) or scared. It is understanding the fears so we can move through. Each time new space is coming in our lives, something happens. It is in the listening that we are able to move through.

You can be strong later. In the present you need to feel it to move through it.

***

We have been talking about feeling in Making Space for Surrender. Feeling what you are fighting against rather than numbing it or silencing it. Feeling it so it can become a guide towards what you want. Feeling it so you can find a way to what you need.

So tonight I am going to put on my yoga pants and make mug after mug of steaming red raspberry leaf tea. I'm going to make a huge pot of chicken corn chowder (recipe will be in Holiday Joy Up). I'm going to clear out a few corners that have piled up with stuff.

***

On the last full moon I tried to release silence. Held the word inked on paper onto the red flames of the fire. But truly I suck at release. I don't like it if I'm being honest. But I wrote it down as though that word needed to jump out to the paper.

I thought it meant that I needed to find ways to talk more about how I am feeling.

What I've realized in the last few weeks is that I am actually releasing the fear of silence and opening to the softness of what I adore.

I use words. Typed on this old computer. Words unspoken are how I process. How I share. How I guide. How I teach.

For now I am not the girl in the therapist's chair. I write. I write to breathe. I write to move through. I write to feel.

And in the silence of my writing I find home, find love, find truth, find you, find longing, find peace.

***

A bladder loved. I had to feel the pain to find the love. And so...

***

A new prompt for those of you keeping your vision books. Find that intuitive beauty resting inside your lovely eyes, and play.

She's...

Story Whispers ~ Dave Ursillo (and a giveaway)

I find myself eager for settling in with a cup of tea or glass of wine with those whom I admire and hearing their story whispers. I crave these stories and voices.

The magic inside of the words, the treat of the truth and that moment of ‘yes, me too’ are why we must keep sharing our stories. I am making an effort to hear stories in person and through connection as well as tell my stories in whatever ways the words wish to flow out.

Go listen to the story whispers all around you and make sure to tell some of your own.

 

Today I welcome Dave Ursillo and his gorgeous ability to weave words that make you feel, move, create and desire. Dave sent me a tweet a little over a year ago saying he too lived in RI and I was pumped to find a kindred writer in my state. Then he told me he was moving to NY. Dude! But when Dave is in RI we get the chance to co-work together in my secret coffee shop location and end up talking about writing, freedom and marketing for hours. While we work of course!

Words deliver magic. Dave and I meet at that place where every word is part of the passion for living. And inside of that passion for living there are no rules; you use your breath, your heart, your hands.

Giveaway Time!!!

Dave recently launched The Literati Writer's Group a place of juicy goodness for writers at any stage. I have had some inside glances into what he has created and I am overjoyed to share it with you. I believe in it so deeply that I want to offer a 3 month gift to one of my readers. Just leave a comment at the bottom and share with me a favorite quote from a book or poem. I'll draw a random winner next Thursday!

Please welcome Dave...

Take us through your gorgeous life in terms of your senses: touch, taste, smell, sight, sound and any others that you possess.

It's the taste of like rich, slow-brewed coffee cascading off of the first glimmers of morning. The first breaths after of a day, metabolizing possibility into reality. It's the smell of a deep salt breeze whisking through your lungs from over the bay; it sounds like car horns and city bustle of the East Village; it's the feel of four-hundred eyes fixated upon you on stage; it's the passing looks of the faces of one million strangers bobbing like a river as you walk down the street. 

Life itself is a thing of artistry, and every facet of the journey should be treated as such. That's how I work, how I create, and how I live.

 

In many ways, I want my work, my writing, to both mimic artistry and inspire it: to be art in itself, and evoke artistry in whoever might come across it. For each sentence to be inhaled like a blessing of the clean, warm breeze over the bay. For every revelation to ring out like a car horn's blast, awakening all the senses to reality; a sudden awareness of what's always been hiding in plain sight. And then there are the faces. Both in writing and in life, I hope to look into one million of them, and inspire one million smiles.

The moment you knew you had found your thing, the one that would propel you forward because you can’t not do it.

The moment feels eternally present: stitches in time, one-hundred little memories rolling in a slow boil to the surface before, finally, in October of 2008, when the lid blew off. I stand on my apartment balcony, it's 1:00 AM in Washington D.C. The morning hour is cold and dry. A fountain churns across the street and cars buzz down Connecticut Avenue. Dimly lit clouds of red hover between the glistening stars. It's a rare night when sleep will not come, and a tenseness, a frustration, an anxiety in my gut forces me out of bed and to my journal to write -- long before I considered myself anything of a writer, at all. And within moments, from difficult questions asked, a flurry of answers are spilled onto paper. I'm left with a revelation. Less what to do, or how to do it, but why to do anything at all: because what we choose is what we are capable of. And to choose ourselves is truly Divine.

How do you want to feel when you are inside of your creative life?

Free. Unencumbered and light, but grounded and rock-solid. Unshakable  Unapologetic. Like no one owns, restricts, forbids or denies any part of me and what I believe and what I choose to say, do, dare or dream. From that freedom, from that space, comes great responsibility. I want the responsibility of that freedom. I want others to have it, too. We have to trust one another to be self-determinant.

Magical moments: what are they to you and how do you open to receiving them?

My magical moments usually dawn just beyond a long pause of deep anxiety: tenseness, reluctance, outright fear. It's my passion, it's my brazen, it's my tenacity that carries me through the fear and unknown to reach the other side. The fear is how I know it's worth it. And on the other side of the uncertainty, there is joy. Total, shoulder-melting gratitude. It's how it feels when the message writes itself. When I spend hours on end with a friend, new or old or a total stranger, experiencing life and stories and conversation -- true moments, true presence. It's when I stand to teach new faces, or riff on an idea that matters to the listener. It's any advice I can muster, it's saying I care, it's showing up and proving it, and proving it, and proving it, and proving it.

Ritual that you start your day with.

I'm not a very ritual person, outside of my morning coffee. And yet I try to ease into every day from the early morning to find the day's flow. To find the flow of the day usually requires a bit of exploring, bending and tweaking: it depends on factors both outside and inside of myself, like the weather, the energy of the place or people around me, how I'm feeling myself, what priorities are about me and what my wants are in that moment. It's like tuning a guitar. Find the flow. Find the tune. Play.

Favorite part of you, physical or otherwise, tell us why you love it?

My heart. Unflinchingly strong. A powerhouse for good. It is a best friend, confidant and teacher -- one that has never asked for anything in return. My heart is the strongest thing about me. And I love that, by its nature, the heart is physically untouchable -- but can be felt by all.

Favorite quote:

This is a new favorite I came across while re-reading Walden by Henry David Thoreau, namely for its eerily similar sentiment of something I had been writing months prior: "A written word is the choicest of relics. It is something at once more intimate with us and more universal than any other work of art. It is the work of art nearest to life itself. It may be translated into every language, and not only be read but actually breathed from human lips; not be represented on canvas or in marble only, but be carved out of the breath of life itself."

A mantra or affirmation that guides you:

Lead Without Followers. Live from Within.

Your guiding word/s for the year:

Endeavor. {And, within that shell, to explore boldly; to experience deeply; to adventure widely. With total gratitude.}

 

Wanna win 3 months in The Literati Writer's Group? I know right??

Leave a comment down below, share a favorite quote from a book or poem with us. Us writer's love to collect quotes!

 

***

Dave Ursillo Jr. is an author and entrepreneur who inspires change-makers for a living. A multi-published writer, passionate leader and life-explorer, Ursillo is the founder and CEO of The Literati Writers, a premium-membership writing community that helps writers create personal freedom, inspire change and craft lasting legacies of love through their art. He can be read at DaveUrsillo.com.

Brave is our now.

My guiding word for the year is magic.

I like to give each month a name, or place a guiding phrase behind it so that I will know what I'm working towards. September is the month I am turning 38, an age I have been excited about for a long time. 38 feels solid, secure. I have my children and now watch them grow. I have a gorgeous business that I am nurturing and bringing to a new place. I have been married for almost 14 years, together with Patrick for 19 years. Oh yes, I said 19!

Things scare me. Jumping out of an airplane. Getting a tattoo. Having those conversations with my man that affirm that we aren't always connected, that a new phase of the marriage is coming. I think tattoos and conversations can be quite sexy, so the jumping out of a plane is not going on the brave list, not so sexy to me.

Being brave is saying, I am not feeling so happy right now and I need to tell you.

Being brave is going to the place in your heart that knows the little secret longing you have and listening to it.

Being brave is giving when you have little.

Being brave is getting that ink you have always dreamt of, even though permanency is scary as shit.

Being brave is connecting in new ways, when you are safe sitting in your house, on your couch, with your computer in your lap.

Being brave is choosing the path to healing, not the quick fix.

Being brave is caring for someone else when you most need to be cared for.

Being brave is taking a breath when you just want to scream at the kids for fighting, again.

Being brave is the 12th carload to the salvation army because stuff everywhere doesn't feel good even though letting it go hurts.

Being brave is letting them ride their bikes around the neighborhood without you.

Being brave is figuring out how to be sexy again, after years of growing children, nursing them, holding them every night.

Being brave is creating the next program, having faith that it is right, it is time, it is now.

Being brave is believing Oprah really is your friend on Instagram.

Being brave is going towards the unknown of all of it.

Being brave is saying Holy Shit!!! Holy Shit!!! Holy Shit!!! three times on your blog.

Being brave is that yoga class you swear you are going to start taking on Tuesday nights.

Being brave is public accountability for that yoga class, the tattoo, that next program. (What else did I just promise I was doing?)

Being brave is not having the bladder surgery and leaving pride at the door. Yep, bladder is gonna' rock it out in physical therapy.

Being brave is putting the four year old in one day of day care so that you can finally have one full day to work, co-work at that!

Being brave is our now.

Being brave is saying that jumping out of a plane is so not happening, cause I gotta' be me. This new version of me that is being brave. In my own ways.

Wanna join me? September, all I ask for my birthday is that we can do this together. Brave is our now.

Highly Sensitive Unpacking

I return with vintage cowgirl boots, memories of hugs and laughter, magical moments in auditoriums and holding a glass of wine, chipped nail polish, frizzy hair and the deep desire to start something brand new.

Traveling light was not learned this trip, though now I know you really don't need heels in Oregon. Weird to this East Coast girl being at a conference with the most casual footwear ever. I eventually ended up in my walking shoes. Doing lots of walking. Only one blister.

The conference was one where I could tweet, cried my way through the conference, and have people tweet back, me too - there should be a HSP section in the seating to share kleenex. This is where we connect. Every now and then you need to be in a place where you don't once have to explain yourself or your work because 1,000 people know and get you. Just because you are standing in that hallway with them.

I am unpacking thoughts and inspiration of how to create more of this in my work. More community, unity, that sense that you are understood just by showing up.

Brené Brown will do her part to make the tears roll down. If you think she is awesome, she is actually a million times more awesome than that. Her story telling is where I will spend time studying because it is magic.

Sitting in a room next to Michelle Ward and Rachel Cole we listened to Danielle LaPorte do a Q&A session. She talked about how standing on stage was her persona, how her writing and her work were all part of that. In her kitchen she is different. I needed to hear this. You need to hear this.

Our online world is persona no matter how hard we strive for transparency or truth. The people who have been at the birth of one of my children or the neighbors who hear me lose my cool when the dog tears up my meditation garden know this. Persona is part of our gifts. Use it beautifully.

As Chris Brogan said on stage, we all poop, there is a book to prove it.

I was humbled by the people who came up to me, excited for my hug. I was there for them, how did I step into bizzaro land? I will never forget how incredibly gorgeous it feels to be noticed, admired and loved.

My travel wings have spread. After years and years of having babies and nursing, years that hold so much love and nurture and whole lot of exhaustion, I am flying off into a new world. One where I know how to spend time with myself. Where I acknowledge that I am allowed to because it makes me better.

To make my way on 5 modes of transportation in one day from coast to coast. Dream of the retreats I will someday guide. Feel space in new ways.

Each year I feel like a better person, growing more into how I want to show up. (This is where I get to insert that I got carded in Oregon for a glass of wine. Yep. Love that place.)

I am unpacking the lights, story and joy from my conference. I'm feeling the growing pains of re-entry after having been gone for more than a week. I'm planning outfits around my boots.

Yes, I rearranged the living room when I got back, Patrick patiently helped me, knowing that this was how I process, how I unpack, how I rejoin the pack.

Thank you Oregon for your beauty and grace. I can't wait to meet you again.

***

To all my new friends - thank you for the honor of knowing you, squeezing you and sharing time with you. Thank you for how much you truly wanted to be with me.

The conference was The World Domination Summit, in its second year, sold out each year with thousands on the waiting list. I am blessed to have attended.

Photo credit on second photo: Armosa Studios

Prayer. Feet. And the beauty.

When things are turned upside down and my insides are confused, knotted, these feet seek out the sand. The grains of time that set my body clock ticking again. A sanctuary that means no fighting kids, no internet, no decisions. Picnic packed and sun hat blowing in the breeze. The roughness of my edges softened, if only for these few moments.

And the beauty.

Rocks stuffed in our pockets, sand dripping from our toes. The prayer of the ocean. Remembering for a moment... almost feeling the butterflies of the first time we kissed.

Under the sheet. The wait. The reason I miss most appointments and am kicked out of practices. Sitting there, half naked waiting for another person to walk in fully clothed and talk to you as though this is normal. My feet go numb. I twist them and lift them until the blood moves again, matching the blood pounding in my heart. I leave with a urethra sore and aching, tests that try to discover why this loved 37 year old body is incontinent and often full of pain. I can heal. I will heal. I am healing.

And the beauty.

Looking in the mirror, silently remembering the prayers and blessings sent from this gorgeous community to my bladder and my spirit. Forgiving myself the slight ache of seeing the scale higher than previous comfort zones allowed.

The meditation circle in my little backyard. Needs dirt. Plants. A statue. My summer altar to sit at and sip coffee or calm my body. An early birthday gift to myself. A place to think of others. To send silent blessings, yes, I'm talking to you. Living in 900 square feet with three children and a dog creates a most desired longing for warm months. To extend living space and in a sense, my spiritual space. And yes, I so want to rearrange my living room around, something new for the summer solstice.

And the beauty.

Each day I walk closer to my spirit's calling. Prayers found in tea bags. Rocks from those beaches, lined up outside of my little bungalow. An introverts words, steps, breaths, time, silence, meditations while holding steaming mugs with painted nails.

And the beauty under your feet? Where are your prayers found?

No Longer Defined By His Curls

Let go mama. Let him spread his wings and fly. Allow him to discover who he is, without the weight of his curls, or his mistakes or his past story. At three and half he has a story and he wants more than anything to start writing his own chapters.

And so I surrendered.

Watched the curls fall. Cried at the thought, smiled in the moment.

Reminded myself he is a HSP too.

Remembered all the times I had long flowing blonde hair and when I felt defined by it, would cut it all off. Pixie cut.

When Chloe was four she also asked to shave her head and without any hesitation we let her. There is such freedom in being able to fly as yourself. Removed from definitions of beauty, you start to see your wings.

Yep, looking at those pictures from this morning and then seeing the now, there is my baby turning into a little boy.

Beautiful Faces. Magical Places.

My vision board with my copy of "Soulfooting" by Pixie over it. Seems fitting, yes?

I am eager for the lists that make their way out on sleepy Friday mornings. Today I am a mug of decaf green tea followed by a raw chocolate smoothie followed by an hour of work, packing 4 people plus my juicer up to go to NY for the weekend, painting my toenails, driving all on my own to NY for the weekend with the kids kind of mama.

These are my pay-it-forward lists.

This will be my adventure trip in June, cannot wait to see the complete beauty of what Lori has created.

Patiently waiting to read this book of the heart.

I am a huge fan of boredom, my kids may roll their eyes, but it always brings us to special.

Turning 38 this year myself, this was extra special to read.

I love freaking cool ideas that become businesses, like this one.

Where I am soft gray, Teresa is a rainbow. This was a beautiful tribute.

Just look at that picture, the joy and celebration. From nursing and pregnancy books of my past into this, soon. Wow.

Tanya introduced me to this. Please watch the video, feel Erin's passion. We make a difference.

Funny thing, my three year old loves to smell mys arm pits, I happen to use the salt crystal.

Huge crush on Anthony Robbins, I like to call him TR, you know.

I am completely blown away by the Joy Up Tribe and the beautiful work they are doing. Feeling blessed and excited to know the next step of where the joy up will be going...oh yes! I'll share soon.

I am planning a small group program all about surrender and letting-go, details will go out first to my list and then to everyone.

Have the most deliciously beautiful weekend.

P.S. I did get the iphone, just for instagram. Oh full moon worshipping. Let yourself dream a little tonight and feel the energy. Howling optional.

Meet Kathryn Postulka and Leap!

After yesterday's post, thank you all so much for the beautiful emails you have sent about it, I'm beyond thrilled to share one of my beautiful clients, Kathryn Postulka with you. Kathryn and I have spent the last few months working together and nurturing her business, Inspired Healthy Life. Kathryn is also one of the voices on Mamacoach Circle, a group of holistic women and business owners who are supporting, inspiring and taking action together!

Please enjoy Kathryn's voice and the beautiful gift she has created for designing a personal manifesto!

Kathryn, thank you for all the joy you have brought to my world for the last few months and for all the energy and passion you share through your work and the way you live your life!

===========================================================

It’s when you’re at the top, on the platform and looking out that the fear sinks in. Only a few moments ago, from the safety of below, it felt so doable. Fun even. But isn’t that always the way? Part of you never believes you’ll get there, all the way at the top, first in line and about to fly.

We don’t believe it, because it feels safer not to. But here you are, toes to the edge of the platform, only air as a cushion that doesn’t really look so cushiony. The instructor yells out what seems impossible – ‘lean over, lean forward, grab the bar with two hands.’ You are so far forward, you’re past the point of being able to pull yourself back.

So, you go.

Grab the bar, and jump off the platform. It’s the right choice, and you know immediately. You are rewarded with an incredible free fly through the air. It’s glorious, it’s beautiful! You have released the fear and you’re literally soaring!

I love the trapeze. It’s exhilarating and terrifying and way more fun that any adult usually has. It requires you to stretch yourself and your mind. It requires total trust when you can’t remember why it seemed like a good idea in the first place, and then it rewards you by sending you up higher and faster than you dreamed possible. That’s the beauty of it.

When Hannah pushed me to find my voice as a coach, I felt instant fear. It’s scary putting yourself out there, especially when your instinct is to stay private and hold back. It’s an easier decision to stand with the crowd, blend in and decide not to climb that ladder to the platform above. But I knew she was right. If I wasn’t willing to embrace all that I am and put myself out there in the world, how could I ever expect my clients to do the same?

Fear is a crushing thing. It can stop the unstoppable and you can easily miss out on the best ride of your life.

Frankly, it feels just like my trapeze experience. To me, it represents taking chances, leaning out further than feels comfortable, taking a risk and jumping. I strive to always challenge myself like that. That’s why ‘flying on the trapeze’ is in my personal manifesto.

I’m a big believer in visualization. I used this trick all the time in my younger sports days, and I’ve used it throughout my life. If you can see it, feel it and believe it, you can do it. This is why creating a set of statements that inspires, energizes and helps to create a mental picture of who you are and what matters to you is one of the most useful personal tools you can have.

Think positive. Be an active participant in your life. Eat real food. Indulge in good chocolate, a glass of good wine, cozy sweaters and awesome coffee mugs. That’s how my personal manifesto begins. It’s filled with things that I want to surround myself and fill my life with. On those days when everything is going wrong, I try to sprinkle some of these into my day to make it better. On better days when I’m feeling optimistic, I think about how I can move forward and achieve all that the manifesto is and represents to me. It’s my visional guide and my personal mission statement. If I can see it, I can believe it. And if I believe it, I can do it.

I don’t think I’m alone in that. What will be on your personal manifesto?

I’m really excited to share with you my free workbook for creating your personal manifesto. You can use your manifesto like a personal vision statement – a set of guiding statements of who you are, who you want to be and how you want to live. Fill it up with you and use it as your inspiration to live the best life you can imagine for yourself.

Sign up for your own personal manifesto workbook here...

Work at Home Mama

The Making Space Cleanse is on Day 5 today! If you want to stay connected and find out when all my events and programs are happening, and receive a little love note from me each week, you can sign up for the Making Space Letters here.

Happy Friday ~ late night from the couch

http://vimeo.com/22766226

Don't know why the video won't embed today, Word Press, or me, is having one of those days.

Here is what I've got...

Because I love, love, love marketing: A free teleseminar for marketing your holistic practice with authenticity and fun.

An interview with a gorgeous photography goddess.

Happy Friday!

Fridays always make me smile. It's my day that Lucas is with our babysitter and I have the entire day, yes - to work. I am taking a moment today to feel blessed to able to work with the women who come into my life, those of you who take time to leave your voice on the blog in the comments and for all the amazing new adventures that are coming up. We managed to have a calm breakfast this morning (not a calm morning however), with yogurt for the boys and soup for the girls. Tea helps us ease into these cold winter mornings.

Some fun stuff to share with you on Happy Friday.

A new {Living It} Interview with the gorgeous Kate Northrup. Hop over and listen while you enjoy your tea today.

The Fill Your Bucket Retreat tickets are on sale until Feb 1st so grab yours. There are limited tickets and what a perfect Valentine's gift, focus on YOU. I also added a much shorter video on there, drinking a smoothie in my car. Collards, mango and almond milk! The amazing Dyana Valentine who makes the most wonderful videos, gave me some web-cam tips! Thanks D!

I have archived all my past  newsletters onto a page for you to see. Check them out and make sure you sign up for the newsletter list if you aren't. That cute little arrow to the right shows you where. If you like the blog and the newsletter, suggest it to a friend who could use some energy and positive words in their day.

Believe in the power of YOU today. Your energy, your body, your cells, your ability to love. Happy Friday!

{Living It} with Martha Chabinsky

Women living in their joy and guided by their passions are the inspiration behind this series of interviews. Let their joy inspire you towards yours.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I met Martha when I was newly pregnant with Chloe, over 8 years ago. Nervously, I signed up for a pre-natal yoga class and instantly fell in love with Martha and her way of teaching. I remember standing in tree pose, so strong and balanced, full of confidence that I was going to be able to handle anything labor threw at me! You will see Martha is clearly a woman guided by her passion and is so truly living in her joy.

Hannah Marcotti:  Martha, can you tell us a bit about your teaching and the growth of your yoga practice?

I have been practicing meditation for more than 35 years, yoga for more than 15 years and as a Certified Kripalu and Certified Prenatal Yoga teacher, I have been teaching yoga for over 7 Years. I am a registered yoga teacher with the Yoga Alliance and am currently enrolled in the 500-hour professional level training at Kripalu. I take courses and workshops through out the year for my personal growth and my evolution as a yoga teacher.  I am a Therapeutic Touch practitioner and trained in Guided Imagery and include these modalities in my teaching. I write a monthly email newsletter (e-mail her at mbchabinsky@comcast.net to sign up), create practice CDs, teach specialized workshops for students, labor & childbirth education instructors, and the general public. I teach 8 classes a week, and have been consistently since my certification. The postnatal class began in 2000 at the request of my prenatal students.

HM:  Tell us about your children and where you find joy.

MC: I have three sons, Gabriel, 41, Trevor 38 and Jordan 32...4 grandchildren....native New Englander. My greatest joy comes from teaching yoga, gardening, knitting, creating art, placing and supporting AFS exchange students, and living my life to the fullest, with no opportunity wasted.

Hannah Marcotti:  How do you make living in your joy a daily practice?

MC: Teaching yoga fills my soul with peace. A witness to the evolution of my students is the greatest joy!

HM:  Where are you when you feel the most at peace?

MC: At the ocean...the blue goddess...the salty fluid of life swirling all around me. Her abundance and power is so clear and beautiful. It helps to be listening to La Boheme and perhaps having a glass of wine!

HM:  In the kitchen, what food are you preparing to bring you power and energy?

MC:  When I make a meal for my family, I feel that I am feeding their souls. I like to take my time preparing the food, stirring in love and peace. Soup is the best, because I am cutting up vegetables and mixing in herbs...the fruit of the goddess. What could be better!?

HM:  Challenges arise, what do you do to bring yourself back to balance?

MC: First I must do a Yoga practice, including meditation. I feel whole and complete and at peace when I take time for myself. Then I can face anything. Getting centered and clearing my mind of all the reactions helps me to see that everything changes...eventually. That everything is ok just the way it is, including me.

HM:  What made you smile today?

MC: Having my Slovakian son visiting...I am such a mother, that when all my sons are with me I feel complete.

HM:  The outfit that you put on that makes you feel so YOU is?

MC:  Any pants that make me feel/look taller...that is they are quite long and I wear Dansco shoes and a tank top. I feel strong and aware when I feel taller...I think I was an Amazon in a past life!

HM:  What is your philosophy of teaching?

MC: My intention is to create an opportunity for students to experience wholeness, inner peace and a sense of harmony in their daily lives on the mat. Quite simply, then, this experience on the mat is gradually transferred to life off the mat, and intuition becomes a guiding presence in their lives.