a boat on the water.

Jenny walked into the Loft and filled me with calm as she always does. She always has a few things with her, just as I do when I visit her. A bag of groceries, a given. Some tea. Often little gifts.

And on this day, some clippings to add to my vision board that was all about drawing in love.

She puts up this gorgeous picture of a man and woman walking out of a lake pulling a red canoe. The couple was pure beauty and the scene was what I was dreaming of, having just bought my sweet canoe, with nowhere for it to live other than Jenny's house in VT.

"But Jenny, my canoe is blue."

"I know, but his is red."

I am pretty sure I laughed. That picture became part of the story of how he came to me, or how I found him.

.......

The first time I visited the Magic Lake House we only had a few overnight hours. It was April and there was no running water. The only heat the wood stove which I now have learned to light.

We made love for hours in front of the fire and slept until the early hours of the morning. Before we left we walked out onto the deck, the deck that would become home for me, and we stood looking at the lake, falling in love with every breath we took.

He talked about the kayaks and his boat and then mentioned his canoe.

"You have a canoe?"

"Yes, right down there."

"Is it red?"

"Yes."

"Of course it is."

.......

I tried to tell him all the stories of how I found him. The puzzle pieces that all connected and wove the words that now want to fall out of me.

He would get frustrated when I would say, but that's another story for later.

My fear was that if I explained to him how I had manifested him from a blue canoe, his gray hair, my man jar, the moth, his name and down to the month we would meet that he might have trouble holding all of me.

.......

"There are magic fish in this lake."

"Magic fish? Did you really just say that? Why are they magic?"

"Because all you have to do is stand in the water and they come up from everywhere and kiss your ankles. They are our magic fish."

"Do you know I teach magic?"

.......

A boat on the water in Mexico, our first trip away together, holding red and blue. We walked a few miles in our swim suits to 5th Avenue and back along the water.

A boat on the water that he is teaching me to drive so I will be able to feel the freedom on the lake this summer.

A boat on the water from the song he texted one day was 'our' song. The one that makes my heart skip a beat, remembering the early days of how just seeing his name on a text would make my stomach flip flop. (Actually it still does.)

A boat on the water that sent out the vibration to the Universe that I was ready to be brave and find him. The one I found when I was holding the biggest question of my life. And the one that he would become the answer to.

.......

"What did you write about before you met me?"

I wasn't sure. I had to go back and look. I spent time reading the stories from before April 2nd, from before he came to me and within hours changed my next steps.

I read about the doubt and the moth, the taste of a cigarette, the demons of satisfaction.

And Chewbacca.

And when I met him, I started to write the stories of our new life.

.......

I am a story-teller. A manifestor. A magic-maker. I am the one who records the details in photo and words and then spins them into the tellings of the shaman-like bending of elements and future becomings in the feeling world.

I teach from story. I iterate from story. I fall in love from story.

A  story of a boat on the water; a story of a new vibration in time.

.......

why i don't deserve a free trip to mexico.

because i never finish anything. because dishes sit in the sink. because i allow every book to go unread. because i am lazy. because i left him. because i keep gaining the same 10 pounds over and over. because i am never enough. and too much. because i fight. because my feelings are wrong again. because i can't meet my own needs. because my comfort is inside of struggle. because sabotage feels better than the truth of what i feel. because my wanting to be taken care of is weakness. because my heart keeps getting broken. because i didn't earn it. because i suck at this. all of this. because every time something good comes there is an equal and opposite reaction. because i am broken. because i am so tired. and can't sleep. because all of this change hurts. .......

the amount of reasons i don't deserve are piles around me.

i am sorting through them. recycling. throwing out. tucking some aside for later examination.

i am asking how i found myself inside this amazing life of freedom and self motivation with all these stories, and all of this fear.

i am understanding my tangling with fear is part of who i have become. and am becoming again.

i am looking to connect the dots of my time line, to understand how each piece fits into the next.

i keep testing him to see if he will run. he keeps testing me to see if i can hold all of him. we are pushing against and yet tied together with an invisible thread sewn by god and faith and dreams.

i made the list of why i don't deserve. and today as this love letter floats out into the inboxes of 3,000 people who sit on the other side of each of my musings, my future self will be stepping off the plane.

.......

"you are sabotaging the trip aren't you?"

yes. without a doubt.

.......

today i will be on the trip i don't deserve. for all the reasons that have sat in heavy piles.

i will become the one who let herself be taken care of and loved as she pays it forward with nurture and love. all i have ever wanted, and now my biggest fear. letting him take care of me.

today i will cross over the piles of why i don't deserve so i can see the ground underneath them.

my feet will be in the sand. my heart will be opening, again.

.......

and i will be in mexico.

a baby. a boyfriend. and a cafe.

they hadn't seen each other in almost a year and yet it felt like no time had past. groceries bags filled with eggs and veggies and pineapple and the fixings for all sorts of pie. (enchilada and chocolate pretzel.) #lovelanguage

pregnancy cravings all taken care of. plenty of kid food for the gaggle of children. a rough plan for how to spend the three hours before the big kids came home from school. (talk fast. hide the salt and vinegar potato chips.)

we have been visioning and manifesting together for three years.

one year ago we decided to manifest what we desired most as a team. and it went something like this...

a baby. a boyfriend. and a cafe.

we repeated it and dreamed it and visioned it and texted it and prayed for it. for ourselves, for each other.

the cafe arrived first. none of us were prepared for the manifestation of that dream. it may have only belonged to one of us, but we were all instantly grabbed into a swirling vortex of... oh shit, she just got what she asked for. and we watched her go from new mom to new mom with a cafe on an island that asked everything of her. and it felt like there was almost nothing we could do to support her other than believe that this was unfolding exactly as it must.

whoa. and shit. and thank you. and what do we do now?

a few months later he arrived. none of us were prepared for the manifestation of that dream either. it was mine but it became all of ours and my life went from single divorcing mom into learning to be in partnership with 22 years of old patterning and lots of healing to come. (and we are both highly sensitive and just a tad intense.) we have a passion that is unrivaled, it can feel amazing and devastating all in the same week. we are so in love and that love terrifies us, because we don't want to ever be without it again.

we swirled some more... oh shit, and whoa. and thank you. i love him so much.

and then the baby. tucked inside her belly. we are all in love already. getting to this littlest addition in our extended family, as we all know now, getting to this 'what we want' takes work and tears and honesty and pain and all the feelings. all of them. soon she will be crossing over from women to mother. joining us in a world that she has been visioning, calling forth.

um. blessings of spirit whispers. a baby. a boyfriend. and a cafe. one year later. after repeating those words as our secret mantra. we are here. now.

my kids and i don't agree on making wishes. they believe you blow out the candle and keep your wish a secret so it will come true. i believe you blow out the candle and tell as many people to help you conspire as possible.

the baby, the boyfriend and the cafe were wishes that god and the universe and so many people became part of. we never pretended getting what we wanted was easy, especially once we had them.

once we get what we want, in whatever manifestation of it that shows up, that is when the deepening of who we are becoming starts. we never know what that will look like, but the feeling is kind of like...

whoa. and oh, shit... and thank you... and what now... and i am so in love.

enchilada pie became dinner. wine started pouring at lunch and ended far into the night. the one with the baby started visioning around midnight while the ones drinking wine watched. finally we joined in.

because once you have the baby, the boyfriend and the cafe, you better start dreaming together again.

the floor of the loft was covered in bits and pieces of magazines and secret messages and the salt and vinegar potato chips were no more. at 2am we climbed into bed, exhausted.

they came to the loft that day because they hadn't seen each other in almost a year. they came because it was time to realize the power of what we had created. and to feel it. and to talk about what had happened to us since our visions became reality. to talk about the pain and truths inside of getting what you want, because it comes with the huge price of change. and how we lose some things when other things arrive. and how witnessing each other inside the pain and darkness of the dream was brutal. and pure love. and what now... and i love you... and pretzel pie... and love languages... and thank you.

november 22nd - february 22nd

Once you've decided that you want something, the opposite of it is going to be very much a part of your awareness too.  ~Abraham

.......

we have this tiny little book called, "how to love."

one night my 10 year old decided he wanted to read to me and chose that book. he read the first page out loud about our hearts being like a river. after he finished reading it he said, "whoa mom."

we sat and read as many more pages as we could until we were so filled with new thoughts and ideas about love that we had to stop to process.

.......

on november 22nd i walked into a court room with my husband of 18 years and we agreed to end our marriage in front of a judge and lawyers and a whole lotta strangers who i was terrified to cry in front of.

on february 22nd the state of rhode island will officially declare us divorced.

.......

we had our first date on april 2nd, set up by a friend for a coffee date since he knew we were both inside of separations. neither of us were truly healed enough to take on a brand new relationship.

but we ended up kissing on the couch soon after that first date, our mouths were starving for the love of the other. i loved him immediately. and we are so unlikely for the other.

the business man meets the woman with tattoos and crazy hair down the hall one day for coffee and their lives are forever changed.

.......

and now i am in the opposite. i am learning about money, and fear and patience and compassion.

after a year of having left my house, i am returning to it almost untouched by my absence, so that i may leave it again. i just got my dresser. after a year.

slowly i am leaving my house. and it is devastating. the opposite is now my awareness and my movement.

before november 22nd came i didn't feel the opposite. i was sad and in auto pilot. i was learning how to be a mom in a new way. i was high and low and wanting to be loved more than i have ever wanted anything.

the opposite is a place of awe and almost a sense of reverence for the instability you can be inside of and still function.

because you decided you wanted something.

and now it is.

and now you are re-learning everything.

.......

when we first separated he would bring me groceries and wash the dishes each time he would come over. i would leave a dinner in his fridge. we struggled to be apart even after we knew it was time.

everything we had ever done included the other in some way. and now we were separate.

i couldn't take my dresser. i couldn't think about what to do with wedding pictures or dresses or old journals with the record of the past inside of them.

.......

he will be 11 years old on june 26th. he will be a child of divorce as i was, as so many of us were.

i pray that the love his father and i gave to him the moment we first held him after a crazy birth, will never be apart from him. that he will understand our love is like that river and our hearts have now expanded to include new loves into our lives.

he has his first crush. he adores her. his thoughts include her every day.

he is now understanding how to love like that river, receiving and embracing and transforming.

.......

how to love.

"the desire to understand ourselves and to understand life is a deep thirst. there's also the deep thirst to be loved and to love."

on february 23rd i will walk inside of a new understanding of myself. of what i am capable of. of how i feel sorrow and shame and joy and love.

i am inside of the immense river, transforming. i am looking towards my next becoming. i haven't met her yet, i am still saying good-bye to a past self while thirsting to understand my now.

.......

i am inside of the awareness of the opposite of my wantings.

the days when taking a shower feels like an accomplishment. and when you remind yourself, again, that joy is all the feelings.

all of them.

images in the mirror. and dead hamsters.

“By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond the winning.”

~ Lao Tzu

i remember standing in the pet store watching them for almost an hour the hamsters running and sleeping and wondering how long they live and what gender should i get and did my boys seriously have to ask santa for a hamster...and then i saw her and she looked like the loft her colors and softness even the way she moved and held herself...and i knew she was ours...mine...she belonged...

...

on the phone with the insurance provider on the phone with the cable company on the phone with the dentist on the phone with middle school on the phone with changes and heartbreak and the sweetest women and empowerment and sadness and fear...i bribe myself with a bloody mary...i bribe myself to keep going...

...

she built a big nest and buried herself belly up which we knew to be hibernation...i move her cage downstairs and we wait...then i go down to put our laundry away and the smell of death is inside of me nothing i can do to pull it out...

...

i have been hibernating so tired i can barely do the dishes the laundry the basic rituals that keep time in my life that make me feel proud and mothering and nurturing and providing...i don't want to know she is dead so i put her outside and pray that someone will take care of me shake me hold me look at me promise me that they won't let me sleep much longer...

...

looking in the mirror i see my face has changed these last few months i almost don't recognize who is looking back...i am swirling spinning falling scared as hell...please fucking wake me up...wake me up...

...

i am scared that i am pushing away...i am too proud to ask for what i need...i am shutting down and opening back up and remembering why i chose this remembering why why why why why...afraid they are mad at me because i just don't have the energy to belong right now... afraid he will not want to hold me during this afraid he forgot that we are family that they are my family now too and all i want is to take care of them now no matter how scared i am...

...

when they go to school i scoop her out of the cage and she is so peaceful that i have to stare at her little fluffy softness in awe of a transition in time of a transition without pain of a transition that we can't control of a transition that is metaphor and i want to wake up now...

...

and it fucking hurts...

...

i can and will and we will bury her this weekend at the magic lake house that feels like home and family and i love that i chose her she chose me we had time to love her...love...as i open my eyes and feel all of it...

...

sexy and sanguine.

ss7

What :: 4 weeks of sexy and sanguine soulwork prompts, challenges and explorations

Why :: Confidence is freaking HOT.

When ::  November 16th

Cost :: $69 (sexiest price right?)

Your rogue ecstasy, your story of fantasy, your beautiful spaces?

Have you embraced the romance of waking up in your skin?

Can you feel the sensuality inside of grey, the rawness of an orange sky, the taste of a kiss full of red wine?

Do you reflect your light in others and draw their curiosity of pleasure into you?

Have you ripened? Have you ripened?

In a past life/future life have you stood in the blossoming of your sexuality with your senses exploding, in the gift of feeling?

And from that self that was or will be can you feel her guiding you?

Are you sexy and sanguine?

Do you feel belly passion?

Can you close your eyes and paint your beauty by numbers?

Is there a knowing in your toes, your ears, your breasts that each piece of you is loved and sacred and on the journey towards whole?

Is there a candle waiting to be lit that is celebrating you, celebrating her, celebrating this gorgeous life that you have claimed?

And where can you whisper ‘oh yes. oh yes. oh yes’?

Let me take you there. To the yes. To the roughness of your edges and the dance of your awakening.

Do you truly know her?

ss1

Sexy :: Stimulating. Erotic. Desirable. Appealing. Hot.

Sanguine :: Bloodred. Temperament of cheerfulness. Confidence.

When I was 22 I was out walking with a friend. I had long blonde hair, worked out often, was a champion dieter, known for really good skin and living in Seattle pursuing acting, 2 years away from marriage.

My friend said to me, “Whenever we are out I just watch men look at you, turn their heads.” 2 days later I went to a Salon and cut off all my hair. Not in the cute or sexy-declaration-of-myself-as-a-woman way, in the I-don’t-want-to-be-seen way. It terrified me. My sexual self, at 22, she scared me. I wanted to hide from her.

While many 22 year olds were out exploring their sexuality and beauty I found myself wanting to stuff it into a little box and find a hiding place for it. Part of my dieting history had so much to do with not wanting to be seen.

I was terrified of myself. Of my skin. Of my beauty. Of my yes.

This may not have been your 22 year old story. It may have happened after your marriage vows. Or when your first baby made her appearance. Maybe it was a story of a younger age or the fear of turning 50.

Or maybe your sexual confidence just slowly faded as the role of young woman turned into wife, mother, worker, nurturer, tender, multi-tasker.

ss3

Confidence is alluring, hot, sexy. Each year many of us choose a guiding word or phrase that will be the feeling we want to draw into our experiences, and it is a powerful practice. When I created this course last year my guiding phrase was gracefully sexy. All to lead me further into hot confidence.

Confidence is gracefully sexy.

Managing finances is gracefully sexy.

Feeling delicious in your skin is gracefully sexy.

Creating healthy boundaries is gracefully sexy.

Sexy and Sanguine Woman know…

• boundaries are beautiful.
• dreams come true from feelings.
• closets are sanctuaries.
• the shade of lipstick that lights them up, or the perfect lipgloss to plump.
• just when breakfast is for dinner and that bubbly can happen anytime, anywhere.
• the part of their body they always hated can actually guide their pleasure.
• pleasure.
• how to hold a gaze.
• how to receive. Really.
• how to stand in front of a mirror naked.
• to kiss and say hello before listing off complaints.
• beauty is in the details.
• how to hold space.
• feeling sexy is inside and out.
• that iterative living is gorgeous.
• how to take risks.
• saying yes is a turn on, after learning to say no.
• that listening changes everything.
• how to follow their animal spirit guide or tarot card into sacred space.
• that hot confidence is a practice.
• how to walk into a room and really see.
• how to ask the questions that flip it all around.
• that hot confidence is fierce magic.
• that an awakening is non-negotiable.

ss4

What you’ll need for this course…

• A camera, iphone is great
• Some apps for your picture editing which I'll share with you at start
• A journal to poem and vision in, I love Moleskines
• Some white space, clear the calendar a bit for some sexy and sanguine prompts
• A hot date, with yourself, with a girlfriend or many, with your lover… in celebration

How it will work...

• One prompt a day for 28 days alternating between photo prompts and soulwork prompts
• Guest posts from women who have made a practice of loving and photographing their bodies
• A FB group where we will gather and share our photos and our soulwork
• An instagram hashtag for online sharing, though those photos will be the more cropped versions ;)
• 4 weeks of learning to feel incredibly sexy in our skin

ss5

I look at who I am now after a year of this sexy and sanguine guiding soulwork and I am blown away. I feel gorgeous in my skin. I take my really bad days and I flip them around by getting infront of my camera. I made some huge life shifting decisions in this last year that took me from an edge of pain and unknowing into joy and movement.

ss6

I learned to spend time with my belly, the part of my body that gave me the most angst, torture that I had carried since childhood.

I photographed my belly, spent time adoring it and let myself lead my sexuality with this part of me that for so long had been hidden as though it was what made me unworthy of love. I look at the pictures of me now I can't believe I am the same woman. I feel like I have grown new skin. Every part of my cells seem to have changed into something lighter and filled with compassion and adoration for my own eyes.

My invitation to you is to come along for 4 weeks but to know that this journey will last into your year of 2016. It will be the beginning of a practice into deep sexy and sanguine living. I believe it will change your life.

Looking at yourself through the lens, doing the soulwork prompts, letting other women adore you and see you, you will not leave the same woman. You will leave with your sexy and sanguine in your soul.

I know, you have some questions...

Do I have to get naked? Nope. But most of the women do in some way start to look at their body, their skin, their nakedness through the camera. Often it is just the curve of a hip or their shoulder and arm in the sunlight. You absolutely do not.

Do I need to share all my photos in the group? You can share whatever feels good to you. Or share them with your partner privately. Or keep them all to yourself. This is about you seeing you through your lens. I will say one of the most life changing parts of this course is seeing other women's bodies and the words that flow back to them and lift them. I am  in awe of the beauty that I am met with each day inside of this circle.

I am taking your Magic Making Business Circle, will I be able to do both? You absolutely can. What I always suggest is that you carve out a little bit of time each day for this soul work, kind of like the ritual of a cup of coffee or morning shower. The Business course will be weekly prompts, giving us time to explore and take big actions and this course is daily. Tiny bites of prompts. I deeply believe that both work together.

We will also be able to use this course as a great reference for the work we are doing in biz, as well as talking about things from Community Grace (which we will pull in).

I know you have more questions. Email us at hello@hannahmarcotti.com and we'll find an answer or two just for you.

satnam.

satnam.

true name. true self. truth is my name. bow to the truth that exists. i see the divinity in you.

inhale sat. exhale nam. through your nose. it is mantra. it is truth. it is prayer.

satnam is prayer that moves you from the hard places into the ability to do it.

satnam is your truth and your divinity. heart and mind and body together.

......

who are you becoming?

she is spirit guide. she is your truth. she is beckoning you, ever so gently.

what does she want to invite you towards?

let her speak, guide, open.

she is your true name as was your past self. you grow of each. bow to your now as the prayer of who you are becoming is told. record the prayer.

......

capture the sacred of who you are becoming in photograph.

think about growing up and out. think about heart center, hands in prayer or lifted to sky.

you are growing into her, can you see her?

turn the camera around on yourself or use gorillacam app on your phone as a timer.

don't be afraid to explore and push an edge. naked shoulders or belly. scarves draped. lipstick bright. let her guide your photo shoot. let the she you are becoming be there. soon she will become part of your past story as she is rebirthed over and over.

what does she want you to know?

......

and breathe. satnam. the prayer of your truth. the light of your divinity.

The Circle Officially Begins Sunday.

The above is a prompt from Magic Making Circle, a group where women gather together for 6 months to explore, create, guide, share, nurture, unearth, feel, manifest, journey.

Women loving other women without judgement is one of the most healing things we can experience. This is the kind of circle I gather. These are the women who show up.

Some of the women have been sharing short videos talking about their experience in the last circle and why they are coming back for more. You can watch them and sign up over here.

We officially start March 1st inside of our FB group and the prompts will begin to flow to inboxes on March 8th as we begin with our Sunday blessings.

This is where I will be for the next 6 months. This is my circle. My virtual home. These are the women who change me every time.

I say yes. Oh yes. This is why we find our bravery and faith.

{Video} Glimpse inside Magic Making Circle.

Each week in the circle I make a Q&A video based on questions that come in. This video was around kids on social media, charging for your services, a question around the prompt we were working on for the week (She Said blog post and Amazing Day references) and a question that they almost always asked... how I was doing. (There is nothing like the circles that gather in this magic. Nothing.)

If you make it to the end you will be rewarded with a cameo from Lucas and me grabbing my boobs. Real life meets my work.

You can read more about the circle over here.

We start in March. It will be magical. It already is.

And I am driven by mad love currently.

The girl on the sidewalk.

She walks home on her own. A small frame, long curly black hair. No more than 7 or 8.

I meet her in the same place each day as I am driving to pick up the boys and she is crossing at a stoplight.

The snow had piled up and she crossed, on this day, over to the shoveled sidewalk surrounded by the foot and a half of snow on either side.

I sit at the light and watch her little self navigate the icy patches.

Then she stops. Stands still. Backs up slowly.

Her head turns towards the snow on her left side and she takes a giant step into the snow. She has found someone's tracks making a path through the deep snow.

With such concentration she pulls each boot up and into the next footprint. About 6 or 8 steps and she is back on the sidewalk.

She looks up and her face holds pure happiness and thrill. I smile. Then laugh. I catch tears in the back of my eyes.

She catches my eye. Smiles. And continues down the sidewalk in her own rhythm.

I want that.

I want that.

I want that.

With grace and careful footsteps.

I want that.

to be a wing.

ask for heart. it is hard to grow. ask for heart. moth souls take time.

to be a wing. resistance in daylight.

to be a wing. love inside the moonlight.

ask for heart. she has powerful faith in the mystery of the universe.

to be a wing. fly for heart.

(inspired by nayyirah waheed "do not disrespect your heart. by hearing what it needs. and giving it the opposite." and my moth spirit guide who is my faith)

A prayer for the highly sensitive.

“The cosmos is within us. We are made of star-stuff. We are a way for the universe to know itself." ~ Carl Sagan

Since I was young I have believed for better or worse in my muchness. My nickname was motormouth. I demanded a lot of attention. I like to think I was funny and entertaining in gaining this attention, but now as a parent, I am guessing it wasn't  all entertaining.

When I was young 'too much' was more like being sooooo much (it wasn't heady it was  a soul knowing), so infused into the world around me, so desiring friendships and fun adventures. I wanted to be inside of everything going on. To climb on every dirt and sand pile, to ride my bike on all the paths, to know what all the kids were up to.

I tell my clients who hold this belief that they are too much, that they possess a gorgeous and magical thing. I tell them they are sooooooo much. So much beauty and realness and love and sadness and all the things wrapped up into what is usually a highly sensitive body.

Processing the world in highly sensitive skin is going to include a bunch of fuck ups and a whole lotta hot loving. It feels manic and low and every space inbetween.

It is feeling so much that you often talk too much, can't sit still, stumble over explaining your feelings or just need to go quiet and numb for a while to process what it all is. So much feeling.

And what if you had someone who could hold all of you while whispering in your ear that they have you?

"I've got you baby. I've got you."

The ones who can hold all your sensitivity and all those he/she encounters in the world without taking it on, without thinking you are crazy (ahem) and without judging. Who can wrap your sensitivity into words that make sense. Who forgives you when you spin out of control. Who understands that your feelings become your reason and that doesn't make you weak or wrong.

What if you had someone who trusts you and your feelings as soul-journeying, not as being too much to be loved?

Along this path we walk, these human manifestations who can hold you, will show up. They may journey for a long hike, a forever walk or a sprint. But they will hold you. They will teach you that you are love. They will ground you. They will call you back when you fall down the holes that are dark and long.

They are heart and pure love and human star dust.

They come in all forms. A child with a heart that was born to teach you a new depth of love. Friends who believe in every bit and piece of your make up and are the ones who reframe and catch your tears and become containers for your laughter. Lovers who hold you tighter when you are afraid and are intoxicated by your joy and humbled by your love for them. A stranger who holds your gaze, smiles, and infuses you with confidence that your skin is beautiful.

And there will be days when no one can hold you. When no one can convince you that your feelings aren't eating you alive. The days when your nervous system is on overload and the only way back to you is you.

To become the one who trusts you and your feelings as soul-journeying, as star dust.

You travel through it. Accept it. Surrender. Make a prayer. You hold you.

You feel it all, every damn bit of those feelings, with every speck of your stardust.

The prayer becomes infused into the Universe's voice.

That voice will be heard when leaves blow, coffee brews, babies cry, horns honk. It is your surrender to all the magic of the knowing that you have you.

"I've got you baby. I've got you."

.......

Making Space for Surrender is where we will journey through the feeling, accepting, surrender, prayer and change.

We start February 1st.

Prayer for a nervous system.

I got hit with a surprising amount of sadness. Apparently I still want to control when it comes, or fill myself with so many distractions that I have no time for it. Truly I prefer these distractions to the feelings that are so much my nervous system feels like it is shutting down.

All I know to do is go back into my rhythm, my practices of ritual. My prayer.

I wash the dishes. I set the coffee pot. I pour a glass of water and fight myself to drink it.

I get my camera and go in front of the bronze mirror that has become my daily window into photo sessions of a frazzled, worn, confused body.

It is where I am able to allow myself to see the reality of sadness through a lens of compassion. If only for a moment.

My nervous system is holding time with fear and a rise of cellular restructuring so deep inside I can't yet access it.

It feels wrong somehow when it is all so damn hard and so amazing all at once.

Questions of how am I fucking up mix with celebratory decorating of space.

If I live in the gray and the white space who am I?

I want to live inside a glass of water and not make another decision about how I am feeling or who I am hurting or who isn't adoring or who I am too much for or what it all is leading to or how to do that next thing that wants to be born or if it was stupid to put on red lipstick today of all days.

The beauty in my life in my nervous system in my heart is beyond waking into dreams and visions that I knew how to ask for.

And yet the sadness. It pulls itself up and feels like a million stars exploding from my eyes down to my vagina. It feels like pleasure and ache and longing.

The reminder that the laundry is ready to switch to the dryer as the timer goes off and the little feet go running down the hall to be the first one there, quarters tight in their hands.

The wine glass with the stain of my lips lingering as I stir the soup pot.

I sit before the bronze mirror that welcomes me back in ritual of seeing and being seen.

One more time. One more look. One more feel.

(From my Thursday morning love notes, Making Space.)

She walks with eyes open.

You may adore me once I've learned to adore myself. Or we will practice together.

I will practice. Eyes open. Holding your gaze. I never look away first.

And you may adore me for those 3 or 5 or 2 seconds.

As you find your adoration for my eyes I will soak it inside, promise myself I deserve this moment. This gift.

I hold my gaze. In the mirror, for my camera. I pause. I find the adoration on the days when I mostly can't breathe, when it is so hard.

Those are the days that my longings are more intense than will find name.

Those are the days I remind myself that my beauty is only growing as my age ticks with the clock.

The young girl who still lingers inside my soul is in awe of the woman now holding her. She was so scared of her own sex. Scent. Heart.

I will walk with eyes open so you may adore me.

When you do I promise to hold you in the gratitude of a goddess, your energy meeting mine. For those seconds that feel like eternity and fear and wildchild.

I will drip wet with my sanguine. And then fade to black and white, orgasm without touch.

I learn to let go and still hold on and let go some more.

And look in your eyes and my own.

*** ***

Sexy and Sanguine Returns.

Name your longing.

Sharing today's prompt from A Woman's Thirst. Day 24.

Name your longing.

We all ache and long and want. Often that is labeled as a negative, to want, to deserve, to desire.

Today name a longing inside of you.

A roadtrip. A tattoo. A kiss. A home. A friend.

To lose the weight that was put on to protect from that which no longer harms you. To grow your hair down to your knees. To get the certification. To jump naked into the next dream. To visit every state. To make love under the stars listening to the waves. To be cherished. To align it. To make-out with time. To make a baby. To let your baby grow up. To love again. To be free.

What do you long for? Give it a name. Will you share with us in the comments one longing of today?

photo credit Ruth Clark

When it feels like disappearing.

Your door closed, music loud, heart lost. Praying somewhere deep inside that you would be found by the one who held you in her womb if only she could see you.

The one who held you in her womb was birthing truth and disappearing while your music played. A truth no one could know or see. A body swollen from choices that would bleed.

All of her disappearing. Her sex, impulses, youth, secrets.

The call to sacred self, to words, for sisters to appear so for now she wouldn't have to.

When it feels like disappearing turn the music down and pull your face to the sky.

When it feels like disappearing send a blessing on a star.

When if feels like disappearing show me your heart.

Name your vision book.

The basics of the vision book are a blank book, scissors, glue stick, magazines and some beautifully carved out time.

I love this Moleskine.

And I named my book fully tonight. So pleased and excited about where this is going.

The On the Eve Prompt.

Join us for the 30 day online course?

becoming.

she is becoming.

she is becoming the result of third eye focus, believing who you are and white jeans buttoning beautifully on her skin.

she is becoming each bead on a strand adding up to boundless flow.

she is becoming hands wearing time, a drunken cherry wave of giddiness.

she is becoming the calm after the awakening which is the waves of mama ocean.

she is becoming her own wildwood.

she makes a mug of tea, cups it in her hands and warms her body in preparation for the journey through the trails of mud, ferns, naps, movement and new faces of love.

Say it over and over and over.

 

When someone loves you,

the way they say your name is different.

You know that your name is safe in their mouth.

~ Jess C. Scott

The sound of my name grounds me, fills me with connection and peace. When it is said with tenderness, concern, passion or simply the deep seeing that our soul-guides bring us, I feel safe.

Held.

There are words that light me up: their meanings to me, the way they look when I write them or type them out, the relationship I have to each one of them that I've built over time.

Beautiful.
Yes.
Fierce.
Magic.
Adore.
Tattoo.
Circle.
Pulse.
Oyster.
Bubbles.
Arrow.
Awakening.
F*
Vision.
Joy.
Sexy.
Feather.
Claiming.
Naming.
Changing.

Space.

My name holds me. I have grown with it and into it. When I hear it from a mouth that holds love for me, yes, I am safe. When I hear it from the mouth of raw passion I am alive. When I hear it from a stranger I just met I feel connection.

If you travel far enough with your name the edges of each letter blend into the stories you've woven through jungles, swamps, disco parties, birthing ceremonies, first kisses, goodbyes that hurt and hellos you want to have over and over again.

If you travel far enough with your name the spirits you've chosen to be in your life will say it with desire, thanks, trust, giddiness, love, binding, mirroring, frustration, fear, sadness and hope.

If you travel far enough with your name you'll hear it said with love so many times it becomes blessing and magic and whimsy and starts to fill the holes that were drilled in you without your knowing.

If you travel far enough with your name it will begin you and whisper you towards your next adventure as the love you've carried inside that beating heart slows.

If you travel far enough with your name it will save you. It will resurrect you. It will become safety when said inside of love, when you are ready to receive its touch.

It is home and freedom. It is you.

(From Thursday morning love letter from me to you. Sign up over there in the upper right hand corner to get your love letters.)

#mytodayis

#mytodayis standing in beauty, kissing the sea and bourbon and bubbles. #mytodayis solitary and shared. #mytodayis motivating into my future steps.

#mytodayis friends I have missed, bars that feel like a first kiss and grapefruit promising time. #mytodayis red-lipped giggles under steaming mugs of herbal mixtures flowing with words others write for me to absorb as teh sky continues to rain on my beautiful city. #mytodayis wine and zen.

#mytodayis spaces that I adore and vision beyond what I see. #mytodayis patterns and vintage pressed up against modern. #mytodayis my favorite mirror in a place I learned how to have fun, in a place where I learned to be free.

#mytodayis seeing your moments and capturing time. #mytodayis allowing yourself to stand inside of beauty, yours and what surrounds you. #mytodayis a way to vision yourself into the feelings you most want. #mytodayis adoring your life. #mytodayis looking back on your day and finding the comfort. #mytodayis starting a day with what will unfold around you.  #mytodayis sharing the movement into the gorgeous life.

Join us on Instagram #mytodayis

The sex of an oyster. Instructions for shucking her.

Insert the blade.

She is a filter feeder. She cleans your water and purifies your fears. The lust to taste her body your motivation.

Use moderate force.

You play until you find the right touch, the vibration that will allow you to be invited into her. Each time you hold her she will require a new touch, a force that you must discover as you hold her in your hand.

At the hinge, twist the blade.

Once you've found the spot where she opens, the vibration of the crack is now inside of you. You are the compulsion behind her opening.

Feel the pop.

Her flesh is now your gift, your longing from the purification that had been her only purpose.

Slide the blade up and disconnect that which still holds her together.

Her lips open. Draw her in and be there wholly in her unearthing of how present you are to only her in this moment.

Shucked. Now taste.

Soft, fleshy. She guides you. When you feel her on your tongue she yields and slips into you.

Repeat.