A bladder loved.

 

My bladder still leaks. Sometimes I am so used to it and then I attend a wedding in my hot little red dress and start to jump on the dance floor and with the warm release remember that I have holes. Leaks. Places that no longer work as they once did. I have to keep stopping and padding. I jump less and feel slight embarrassment with each trip to the bathroom.

So, it leaks. I'm working on it. I don't believe I will live with this forever. I do love the irony that bladder issues have to do with holding, with fear of letting go. So mine just lets go a lot since emotionally I am a master holder!

The pain from Interstitial Cystitis is mostly gone. Holy shit. I'll type that again. The pain is mostly gone. Today was the first day I've had a flare up in months. Months. This part of me working better than it has in so many years. I can have sex with ease and fun. My body can move and flow. It feels a bit like a rebirth for this part of my body, this feminine squishy loved place.

I feel sexy. I feel open. I feel my yes.

(Please grab that mantra for yourself.)

***

The pain was the crazy gift. I love my bladder. I have deep respect for all it does and even for what it can no longer do.

I understand that when I am 'off' like today it is a reminder that I am heading towards a new place. And that I must drink water even though I don't like to pee often.

It is my gentle nudge that I must start to create the nest for the new.

This loved bladder of mine allows me to feel present. To not run away.

Being present means not always being strong. It means feeling tired (like I am today) or scared. It is understanding the fears so we can move through. Each time new space is coming in our lives, something happens. It is in the listening that we are able to move through.

You can be strong later. In the present you need to feel it to move through it.

***

We have been talking about feeling in Making Space for Surrender. Feeling what you are fighting against rather than numbing it or silencing it. Feeling it so it can become a guide towards what you want. Feeling it so you can find a way to what you need.

So tonight I am going to put on my yoga pants and make mug after mug of steaming red raspberry leaf tea. I'm going to make a huge pot of chicken corn chowder (recipe will be in Holiday Joy Up). I'm going to clear out a few corners that have piled up with stuff.

***

On the last full moon I tried to release silence. Held the word inked on paper onto the red flames of the fire. But truly I suck at release. I don't like it if I'm being honest. But I wrote it down as though that word needed to jump out to the paper.

I thought it meant that I needed to find ways to talk more about how I am feeling.

What I've realized in the last few weeks is that I am actually releasing the fear of silence and opening to the softness of what I adore.

I use words. Typed on this old computer. Words unspoken are how I process. How I share. How I guide. How I teach.

For now I am not the girl in the therapist's chair. I write. I write to breathe. I write to move through. I write to feel.

And in the silence of my writing I find home, find love, find truth, find you, find longing, find peace.

***

A bladder loved. I had to feel the pain to find the love. And so...

***

A new prompt for those of you keeping your vision books. Find that intuitive beauty resting inside your lovely eyes, and play.

She's...

This Is How I Eat

As much as I love high quality healthy food, I don't always get to the Farmer's Market, or have time to prepare lavish meals. I eat simply. My kids eat simply. When food is fresh and whole, it doesn't need the attack from other outside sources. A little olive oil, lemon, salt and pepper go a long way to turning a food into a sensory explosion! I went to the store this morning, I was out of eggs (if you read my blog, my love affair with eggs is no secret, nor my desire to have my own chicken) and needed a few items for the next couple of days. It's 50/50 with me on the olive oil. I like to buy organic, sometimes I save the money and get the cheaper stuff. Today mangoes were on sale and ripe, I bought four of them and will transform them for dessert night tomorrow into mango pudding using soaked cashews and only 2 or 3 other ingredients. Tonight we are having falafel, the chick peas are soaking as I write this. Steamed artichokes with warm butter (or olive oil for me) with lemon and salt for dipping. Baba Ghannouj and sprouts are for my lunch with a couple of hard boiled eggs. And the kombucha is my treat!

This was Eli and Lucas' lunch the other day. Popcorn with coconut oil, raw cheddar cheese, pear and carrots. I put out big bowls and trays and they can help themselves as they get hungry. I keep it out until it empties which with little boys can take hours! Please note, I have 2 dishes to wash rather than multiple ones, no macaroni pots to scrub! I don't make them sit still at every meal. Eli just can't do it. He takes a bite and then needs to move. So I have breakfast and dinner as the still meals and lunch on the "go" for him. A friend and reader has requested kid friendly meal ideas, so watch the blog and the newsletter for more on how I feed the kiddos! (Thanks for the suggestion Lara!)

I have set a strong intention of feeling like the picture above with my children, rather than worrying about the house being clean (much more on that to come) or preparing a fancy meal or feeling guilty about anything. It is taking much focus, discipline and deep breaths. A mantra that is working for me is "My life is as it should be. I am full, focused and loved."