Insecurities slip in while no one is watching. Just like the 15 pounds that return in a month after 4 months of dieting. I have a knack for self sabotage. You may too. When things are going really well, and I start pushing past personal limits, it gets uncomfortable. Kind of like being in a place I don't recognize. I start my self sabotage with the "I'm too tired to exercise" routine. So I don't go. Then I start to eat cheese. My body doesn't like cheese. A sinus infection is punishment for that one. A little bloating too, to make sure I notice the cheese sabotage. Other things that I know I need and would be good for me slip away. Calling a friend when I'm feeling sad or taking the dog on a really long walk. Making pesto. I just get too tired. Do you know that feeling?
I am grateful for the work I do as it always reminds me when I am out of balance. I hear myself say something to a client and realize that was for me too.
My husband likes to try to get me out of my head. He wants to talk, wants me to explain what I'm thinking about. Why I am so distant, removed...disconnected. The talking thing doesn't always work. Action does. I started moving my body again, slowly, but it's moving. Cheese is no more. This morning when I woke crabby and overwhelmed my husband saw me making my list of things to do. He asked me if there were things he could do to help. This is the moment when sabotage can move over or remain stubborn and create more distance.
There were things he could do. Two things that would help me and then I could cross them off the list. Slowly, slowly insecurity crept out. I wasn't watching. I was feeling excited working on what needed to be done to move past my fear, and allow someone to support me. I know that talking is crucial to opening up, yet without action, it is just words. When we start to move, to do, to create, to push past our insecurities to the other side, a shift takes place. A return to the center, to the place that keeps us ticking and reminds us the house will some day be clean and the postcards will be ordered and what we do is important to not just those we touch, but to ourselves. Being a mama, a health coach, a friend, a lover or what ever your roles are, they are what feed our soul; if we are actively engaged in those every day moments.
I go to the beach and remember why I need the sand and the waves and the sight of my little ones toes in the sand. The waves mirror the thoughts crashing around my head.
I take trips to places that bring comfort and joy to me and the kids. Places that remind me of childhood, of roaming free without cars or worries, of chicken clucking around the yard and the occasional goat to snuggle.
My guiding word for the year is Simplify. I have gone back to that word every time life gets tough. Without that guiding word my life would not have looked much different in 2011. I have embraced it for all it's simplicity, I have found that simplifying is hard work and I have been blessed by its guidance. I have big plans for that word and all it has taught me (more on that once I'm really past the insecurities of taking on a new big project).
For the first time in days, I am able to sit and feel comfortable in my body. I am not fighting against myself in this moment, on this couch, typing these words. Words are no longer refusing to flow from my mind to the page, and the reason is simple; as I move past the sabotage through action I am back to the truth and the purpose that guides me to work and love and create.
How does self sabotage find its way into your life when you aren't watching? What actions bring you back to balance?
If you are looking for support and balance learn more about Connecting.