We heal our hearts.

It can feel heartbreaking to feel lost and unsure. We can be thrown into an archetypal season of winter whenever we are experiencing deep loss, change, letting go, grief, illness and I believe, when we are lost and searching.

I have been in a winter since September, grief combined with challenging the way I had always gone about bringing my work to the world. During this time I've had many many days in hospitals with sick kids which seems to instantly beg a new perspective.

As I have spent the last couple of months writing about the season of winter in its physical, metaphorical and archetypal states (for Sacred Roots) there have been days when just thinking of something clever to write feels impossible. I am grateful that I've managed to see the gift, the lesson and turn that into something we can use to explore in circle.

I am beyond grateful to those who have supported me, including financially, by being part of the circle while I am digging up all that was so I can bloom this work into something new. Being in my own winter, during winter, has meant that the ideas that so regularly flow through me just aren't there. I've rested more than ever before. I often think this SACRED ROOTS circle was handed to me as a guide that I needed, connection that feels sweet and patient.

I have been honest with my circle that I have not been making ends meet financially, my Patreon idea (running the circle through Patreon) seems to have been somewhat of a bust financially (I LOVE it despite that) and so I have to lean into deep trust that I will emerge from this time of winter soon and that my past self will have done what was needed to bring me to where I will be. I am working on things that are not bringing in money in the present, like starting a YouTube channel and spending my days learning, soaking up new skills and ideas.

It has been hard to see a circle 'fail' in monetary terms. If you can't pay your bills, should you keep going? If people are leaving, is that a good indicator what you are doing isn't working? I am not money motivated and I think that my former motivations have been hurts healed and now my motivations are on the opposite end of the hustle spectrum.

We don't really talk about these things, it isn't typical for someone to admit to not making enough money to pay their bills. I am also blessed to be able to ask the kids' father for a small amount of help, something that I didn't need for years after my divorce. I was too proud back then and I hustled hard, having long days with the kids away, filling them with work.

Now the kids are living with Dave and I full time, I am a softer person and my pursuits are shifting. Dave provides so much for us and he has also shifted his career and together we are making a lot less money, smarter choices, cutting down expenses and trying to live more sustainably and pay every kindness forward. Teenage years are a bit heart wrenching and all of them are inside of the journey.

I think about myself just 10 years ago, I was filled with hustle and every single idea became a program, a retreat, a gathering. When I met Dave I was running three programs at the same time. I would wake up at 5am to work, then finish up around 9pm. Working for yourself seemed to require this, something that I am no longer able to give as age and time are softening me. Dave was working a job that drained every ounce of him, he was angry and exhausted. Seeing him now, I never want him to go back to living that way. It is hard for me to see him uncomfortable, but I know it is what is growing him.

I made a video for my Sacred Roots circle and told them how I was feeling, how hard it was to see people leaving the circle (I lost 20 people in two months, something that has never happened before). I added back in a Facebook group because I wanted to make sure that people had ways of feeling connected that Patreon didn't support (like posting their own photos). Everyone was so generous and kind in my falling apart moment. I wanted to tell the truth that I wasn't sure what to do, how to move forward and the women who are in circle received it with grace and love.

I've seen people who are launching a new service or product overcompensate when things aren't going well. They might push, threaten that spots are almost gone, this won't ever come back again, you are missing out, wonderful things are taking place without you. I can almost feel the scarcity oozing from it. I know someone who was told they were doing their launch wrong, the only way that it would succeed was to do xyz. Push, push, push.

I would always rather hear the truth. Sometimes it doesn't work. Isn't it just as important to see inspiration photos of how we want our homes to look and feel as it is someone's bed unmade and dishes in the sink? We need to feel connected, like we aren't alone. Do we need to lie to convince others to give us their money and support? That way of marketing and selling threatens to wash away the beauty of creation. And can't it be OK to say, this is really hard right now, but I'm not going anywhere, I just need to rest first.

I need to winter.

I began this business thirteen years ago because I wanted to tell the truth of how hard it was to be a mom to young kids, to feel like I had lost myself in my marriage and the ache of knowing something more was out there for me. I got divorced because to live in that truth, I had to. My sobriety was led by needing to feel integrity and trust in my own self. Today I had a hard vulnerable conversation with Dave and he received it with love and compassion.

Maybe that's why I'm writing now, the momentum of knowing that our truth can be held in safety. Not airing our dirty laundry or saying things to hurt someone else, but the truth of our hearts, our souls, the stuff that reminds us we aren't alone.

And I'm still going to invite you into SACRED ROOTS | SPRING even though I just told you ALL OF THIS because, yes, it breaks your heart to feel lost and unsure, and I believe in the work, in the circle. I am going to move from truth into clarity and believe in it even more. I am the one who can heal my own heart.

I've had the feeling something else is growing from SACRED ROOTS, it may well be the book I've been dreaming of for over a decade, the one that could not have come to the surface until I was sober and living in truth. I used to romanticize how Hemingway wrote while drinking in bars and it took me a long time to believe that I could write without a glass of wine in my hands.

Now I am safe in that truth.

It can feel heartbreaking to feel lost and unsure. I can feel spring coming, I am ready to tip toe in the grass with my shoes off and look for the lesson the seasons are gifting us with. There is a book written from the leaves, the dirt, the glow of the sunrise and the sound of the spring peepers. It tells us to dig into our sacred roots, to plant down deep and strong and it promises that in our own time we will feel spring deep in our soul.

Nature doesn't wait for the date on a calendar to change seasons, it is nuanced and rhythmic and patient. At 47, I feel that inside of me. My hustle is less and my measurement of success no longer about how much I am doing/making/creating. There are threads to follow and simple pleasures and delights of shape shifting a career over a decade old, while allowing my heart to surrender, pray, heal.

When you first start a business you create your Avatar, you get specific and clear on who that person is, what their dreams are, what their deepest fears are, what they are searching for, where the biggest pull in their life is.

I've been working on this avatar for the Sweet Fern Homestead channel and it is taking me longer than ever before. She is coming into vision now, slowly taking shape. I can feel her sitting with me and a cup of tea at my kitchen island as I talk to the camera.

I wonder about you, on the other side of this letter. What are your dreams? What are your deepest fears? What are you searching for? What do you feel pulled to, called towards? What moment of the day brings you most peace?

I would love to know. I would love to sink into your answers. Because while some of you have been on the other side for years, you too have grown and are not the same as when you first found your way here. New names arrive and I find myself wondering who you are, what dream seeds you are planting.

I am going to keep going, we are going to keep going. Let's give ourselves the grace to be who we are now, the kindness of listening to our souls and the space and support to dig our Sacred Roots down deep and slow. We are healing our hearts.