I have this zit.
Right under my eye, next to my nose.
One of the times I tried to squeeze it it decided to explode with blood while I was driving the van home. The only thing I had was a panty liner to wipe up the blood and looking for it I swerved on the road a little and then had a cop car follow me.
I'm looking in the rear view mirror, holding a panty liner to my gushing face and rehearsing my speech, "Sorry officer, I had to reach for a panty liner to mop up the blood and..."
It showed up easily half a year ago. It was fierce, intense. Angry.
Its little red mark has been on my face so long now it is part of my landscape. Because of my dry skin I've had few breakouts over my life so I wasn't even sure how to take care of it.
I've only just started to connect the dots to this pimple's arrival and stubbornness in constant filling up of infection and release to who I am now.
Right around that time this crazy life changing moment big thing happened and I made a decision. (That's another story.) I started to listen closely to my body which wasn't hard because it was screaming at me.
My messages on change didn't come from my wildly impulsive normal way of making changes. The jump into extremeness of all or nothingness wasn't there. I just would hear someone say something, a podcast story, casual reference on a Instagram story, a line from a movie or book, and I would get this, like, this opening in my body that would say, that feels kind. Yes, that. I'm ready for that now.
Intuitively as though the messages were running through a guide I was not acquainted with, I would slowly ease into the change.
First it was dairy, I released it. Wine had started to give me these crazy reactions all over my face which felt like a clear signal, so I released alcohol other than an occasional gluten free beer. I found myself unable to eat meat and craving grains which I had been living without for so long. I started making huge pots of beans along with chicken bone broth, the kids would eat the chicken, I used the broth for the beans.
I made celery juice. I would stumble upon a supplement and then my healing would go one level deeper. I was open to the messages.
I wasn't adhering to any eating plan, just following this guide which was gentle and patient with me.
The pimple on my face that won't stop holding infections no matter how much I squeeze or release seems to be the valve that my physical body is using to process. Each time I hit a new level of release boom, that little thing fills up again. A couple of times it has spread into two or three infections. Same spot on my face.
I was in awe of the changes happening inside of me and around me so I kept going. I found more guides. I held them and communed with them. I walked in shadows with them. I wondered if I was supposed to share this practice I was inside of which I didn't even understand yet.
Starting in June, seventy-three women are going to step into kindness as a practice, as a guide. I have no idea what they will receive, what they will hear. Their story won't be mine. Their needs won't be what mine were. I do know that no matter who we are, how deeply we've been hurt, how fresh our anger or wounds, no matter any of it, we all crave kindness. From somewhere basic and simple, like bare feet in soft grass.
So that is where we will begin. Together. Because being held and seen is kindness.
Six months into these guides my cells have rearranged. I am more new than I imagined possible at forty-three years. Six months ago I wasn't sure my relationship was going to make it. Now I write this waiting for my man to wake up and I can't believe who we are becoming together. I look at my body draped in a silk pink robe that I thrifted and my naked belly is hanging out and I adore it. I have beans and rice in the fridge that I will devour later with cilantro and lemon juice on top.
Writing about it feels like an invitation for it to prove untrue. My head is screaming, erase this story fast woman.
I'm about to spend a year with these women in circle in kindness and I can already see them becoming. They already are living this.
So I just wanted to throw out this game to you.
Of living one full day inside of kindness as your only guide for the words you choose, to the food you choose, to the decisions you make.
A filter of your reality. For just one day's time. What could happen in one day? Who could you become in one day?
I'm here, on the other side of these words if you need someone to hold your experience, to see you.
One day in kindness.
I have this zit.