Frustration inside of inspiration.

I wake up to pee around 5:30am. The wake up leaves me restless and I feel annoying to my love who has no trouble sleeping after his pee wake up.

I grab my phone and do the Instagram check in. I fell in love with Instagram a few years ago because stories and photos capture my heart.

So, I'm scrolling through and I can feel myself start to get agitated. 

I hear all the time how so many people have a reaction to their social media feeds because of all the negativity.

It seems I might be having the opposite problem. There is so much positivity in my feed. Inspirational memes. Women who do similar work who are sharing quotes or programs or advice. Normally doesn't phase me.

This particular morning I couldn't find many stories. You know the ones that remind you you aren't alone. The ones that make you see your life in a new way. The stories that are so real and raw and alive.

I was getting twitchy and it felt like a thousand things were wrong with me and that I wasn't doing anything right.

This reaction to the inspiration really struck me. What was that about? Why was it rising up so fiercely? 

I think it is because I don't want to be fixed. I don't believe I'm broken. But sometimes we can very subtly convince ourselves (even from positive shit) that we just aren't quite right. A little this or that would change everything.

I fall into it. You fall into it.

A few minutes later that stories start to show up. Or maybe I just manifested them into the feed so I didn't get lost in the inspiration. (I know, that sounds stupid, but there I was.)

And it reminds me over and over again that this is how I teach. This is how I learn. This is how I grow. This is where I find my shadow and my light.

Our stories. Dave calls them #thestoriesofourlives each time I post something about our family.

My take away. I want to remember to share more, not for social media, but for my own need for sharing. I want to get lost in your tales and the pictures when you look into your own eyes. 

I will never get tired of seeing your cup of coffee in your hand each morning or the selfie you take to remember that you are so beautiful and valued.

There is something so at peace inside of me right now and I honestly don't know what the hell to do with it. I've spent the last year letting all the voices around me fade so I can connect to the spirit of Hannah.

I like her. I'm in love with my man. I'm head over heels for my family. The magic making circle is the most kick ass version of whoa and wow. I'm about to welcome women to #themagiclakehouse so we can lift each other up. 

My 14 year old daughter spent her entire day helping me with tasks for the 50th anniversary party I am hosting for Dave's parents. Her whole day. She even learned how to make the clam chowder so I could do other things.

Right now Dave and the kids and his brother are downstairs letting me have space to work and write and moving boxes and cleaning up because I will probably be up till 2am with my list of things to do.

And the rain. Did I mention that the forecast is for rain at the exact time of the outdoor formal dinner party I am throwing? 

I really hope that that is not a story I am sharing with you tomorrow.

The tables will be set with the kantha quilts I have been saving. Mixed matched plates and silverware wrapped in cloth napkins with a glittery napkin ring will be at each place. Every water glass that has been collected from years past will sit by a plate. 

The flower decorations and the bar and the dessert tables and the photo booths all tell a story of how important details are.

I'm off now to make mashed potatoes for 40 people, set up a kid station outside, prep the photo booth, practice the table arranging even though they say rain, order pizza for dinner, get rooms ready for out of town guests, plant geraniums and a couple or a couple or a couple more things.

I love it. I'm in love with it.

I'll post my clam chowder (gluten free) recipe after the party because it is so crazy good we are having a hard time not eating it before the party!

Sending love and hopefully a story or two,