The words he says that trigger me.

Dave has said the words before. We are both entrepreneurs, both in a world of sales and marketing. His is a language I have been learning to translate for years for the women I work with. I can take a heavy left-brain marketing book and translate it into a soft sexy vibration that pulls from the right side, the story side, the emotional places.

The words that make me crazy? Safety net. We were talking about drive and desire and motivators. The juice that fuels us. That thing inside. And he was talking about my drive and my success as something I had to have because I have no safety net. We are madly in love and we speak different languages. My Unicorn brain heard that as... You left your husband, you have no financial support for your kids, you have never been financially responsible for yourself on your own before...I won't be here to catch you if you fall...You are alone...We aren't a team...Did I mention you are alone...blah blah blah.

It triggers the shit out me. My Unicorn tongue freezes up and I struggle to find words to continue talking. He uses it again when talking about a candidate he would love to hire to do just about anything because she is so driven and brilliant and a rock star in anything she decides to do. He says it again, "She has no safety net. It is just her. She will get anything done, make anything happen."

Finally my magic making brain can't be quiet anymore. I tell him I get really triggered when he uses those words. I tell him what comes up for me when he says them. He kind of laughs. Then I see his brain trying to find my Unicorn words. Communication has been our greatest battle to overcome.

He explains what he means about the safety net. For him it is his way of talking about the why. Why we do what we do. Why we have this deep, deep drive for success. We talk about how I never felt safe around money. It had been a source of fear for me and this thing that pulls people apart.

I remember writing years ago about my money story. I had about $12 in the bank to feed my kids. My dog had just broken my computer, which was my only access to this new baby business I was desperate to grow. We had agreed to not touch credit cards any more. I would go to the gas station and put in $5 of gas at a time. A huge melting point had come in my marriage and I was devastated. I remember standing in the kitchen looking out over the back yard crying. I wasn't crying because I felt hopeless. I was crying because I could feel this power rising inside of me that I had to succeed. I had to manifest my life into the visions I knew it could be. I would feed my kids on $12 as I prayed inside of surrender. I would make it happen. I would. The feeling inside still held fear and sadness but the calm that took over me was one of those moments when you can feel God's arms, the Universe's embrace.

As I was staring out the window I heard the dog bark at the mailman. I went out to the porch and grabbed the mail. Inside of it was a letter from my grandfather, the only one like it in the 14 years I've been a mom. A little hand written note in his writing that I adore. Telling me that he knew how hard raising 3 kids was and that he wanted to send a little gift to help. And there was a check. Enough to feed my kids and put gas in the car. Enough to get a new computer so I could work. The work that would change my life. Start to bring in an income that would allow me to feel freedom. That would become my ability to be a stay at home mom while making money. That ultimately would allow me to rent a space of my own and learn to take care of myself.

It is that moment Dave is talking about, I think. That moment when you are staring out the window, that tiny inhale when you have no safety net meeting the exhale when you know, when faith is so strong inside of you, that you will become your version of success. You can't teach that. You can't give that motivation to someone. But once it is inside of you, for whatever reason it arrives, you can then go on the journey to learn how to make magic out of that desire.

This last year my walking prayer has been safety inside of love. My focus was on healing past wounds so I could fully open up to this new love. Every fear resurfaced, wounds re-opened, stories that beat you up. Terrified that I would never truly be able to feel safe and trust love. Scared to actually even entertain the idea of letting Dave catch me if I fell, because there is no way I am safety net. 

We went on a walk the other day and it felt like that moment had arrived inside of love where I was standing looking out the window, with $12 in my heart. My crying had turned to a calm. All the fears were washed away as we spoke truth and became more vulnerable and transparent than ever before. I could feel it again, that moment, that tiny inhale when you have no safety net because you have been so scared of this kind of love, pushing it and fighting it, meeting the exhale when you know, when faith is so strong inside of you, that you can feel his love and you can give him the kind of love that will heal his cells, his stories, his heart. I knew that we would do anything, anything to create our life together inside of this crazy love we hold. The words, the truths were like the check from my grandfather. And again, the feeling of God's arms, the Universe's embrace.

For the first time in my adult life I feel safe. It is a calm that has come since finding this beautiful home. It is a falling back in love with my business after pretty major burn out. It is the way I see him chasing his version of success inside of loving me. It is how much we have manifested together, discovering the power of two. 

I am crazy driven. I am a dreamer. I believe in action and faith as one power. I have lived without safety nets.  I get it. I am a translator into Unicorn speak, which is story and feeling as teachers.

This feeling of safety is brand new. The drive is still the same, that desire for freedom which is safety in my life. The safety inside of love that is freedom of the soul. 

I am ready to let Dave be the one to hold out his arms along side mine, to catch each other. Both of us coming from that place of no safety net into a trust and a desire to dream and create the most beautiful life together. One of healing and family and passion and freedom and ease and safety. To allow the feeling that came from no safety net to guide you into calling forth your most amazing truth and time here on this earth. 

To accept nothing less than the feeling you want to live inside of every day. To know who you shall be each morning when you wake. 

I am sitting at the dining room table, sipping my coffee with cinnamon. Wearing my oldest, coziest sweater, leg warmers and socks and no pants, I work better without pants. I begin with major emptiness and that place where no words take me into my head as I remember the stories that become my teachings. I remember sitting in the back yard with him and asking him why my business was able to become so special and draw in women that I adore and want for so deeply. I remember him saying no safety net. I remember the way it triggered me and brought up all my fears, again, of being alone. I remember standing in the kitchen looking out into the backyard and tears well up in my eyes. It is like I am there. I can feel her. 

And inside this life that was born from no safety net, I sip my coffee and let the calm that is action and faith as one surround me. I am home. I am safe. I am love.