Cupcake crumbs and dead fish.
/"By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond the winning."
~ Lao Tzu
(I found these words from my Thursday loveletter archives from a year ago, following a trail of crumbs. Like they were waiting for me to come home to them and so I thought I would share the crumbs with you.)
he is screaming for the cupcake I told him we would get before picking up the big kids and i am pushing back with words that tumble out...if you hadn't spent the last half hour pretending your legs couldn't walk...we would be in the car already...there isn't time...
...
and i am feeling the sting of words said, words that i don't have to hold and the rush of adrenaline from being in that gap of i don't want to be doing this mixed with make everyone happy and i realize the cupcake place is 2 minutes away...of course we'll get the cupcake...i'm crying and wiping the tears and ben harper seems to be trying so hard to convince me that i am not broken...
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i am trusting each moment and cursing my impatience and craving orange juice which i never drink and thinking about the fish that swam in my space for one day before floating belly up...in the mirror I see he has frosting all over him...my car full of crumbs and dirt that once held snow...one day and he left me that fish...
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my phone fills with texts and i miss the turn to yoga and the talk in my head is all about not going but i walk in late and set down the mat and see all the young urban twenty-something boys who show up every week in a van together and i know that my breath needs to join theirs in this moment...i start to forgive myself for killing the fish...i do standing half moon for the first time without my legs cramping up and I smile so big after that the teacher catches me and laughs...and my breath circles up under my ribs and the softness feels like the icing on his cupcake...
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i am so hungry and i can't place my craving but i know i want to feel it and be in it and my period must be coming soon and the kids are asleep and as he goes into the kitchen to cook something for my physical hunger all i can do is think about how grateful i am for it...my healing heart didn't kill the fish...i am so grateful for all of it...
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i understand deeply that this dance doesn't always feel so charming meaning it kinda sucks and that every time i twirl into the dance it is a chance for a deeper opening and i know i am dancing towards me and i feel the openings that scare me and i ask myself to trust and i leap and i choose and this opening is what i asked for...i let the fish float for two days before i flushed him and i bought more cupcakes at the store so that i wouldn't feel so guilty...i step into this opening with this gratitude that is opening me wider and wider...because i let myself crack...
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and i dance and open and feel that smile like in yoga and know it is my tears that will allow wisdom and my smile that will change worlds...and it opens.