My other.

Happiness is not found in the things you possess,
but in what you have the courage to release. 

Nathaniel Hawthorne

I'm in a crisis of identity. Deep winter has struck and the end of the Zodiac has swum the fish in and I'm not feeling me.

Like, sexy. Or passion-filled. Or myself.

I made a list of the ways I haven't taken care of myself. I need to get my eyebrows waxed and I miss having my nails done and it has been ages since I've had a hair cut.

I got it in my head to grow my natural color out and I'm sure that's not helping my crisis. 

Pneumonia got me the last week-ish and I've been binge watching Netflix because I'm too exhausted to think. I started watching Counterpart where there is this parallel dimension and each of us has an 'other.' The other is the split of you, they exist is this other world and are identical to you but have their own experiences and reality.

Olivia Williams is an actor in the show and I loved watching her face. She is six years older than I am and her face has these marvelous lines, stories written in wrinkles. I was mesmerized by her face. In one scene she sits across from her other and they examine those lines on each other's faces.

It got me thinking how down on myself I've been, how nothing I put on feels right, how I'm changing my clothes 5 times a day and still not feeling joyful (even though I have beautiful things to wear). Some part of me doesn't feel like me.

So I imagined that I could sit in front of my other and observe her. Really, really see her, not just the image I glance in the mirror or see in photos. I've heard there is a mirror somewhere that actually represents the way others see us, not how we see our own image.

I imagined what I would wear and what she would wear (I saw her in this funky black tulle and lace dress) and I couldn't for the life of me dress my own self in this fantasy, I have no idea what I was wearing because right now my skin doesn't even feel like mine. (Cue dramatic soundtrack.)

But the point is, I had such tenderness and softness for my 'other' when I closed my eyes and imagined her.

I think I've created a gap between who I was and who I've become and the only way to merge that gap is to figure out what I'm courageous enough to let go of. 

You know, identity stuff and integrity and blah blah!! That stuff.

What I do know is that I want to feel sexual even while going through perimenopause. And I want to feel passion in my belly and feel alive and lit up chasing new ideas and dreams. I want to eat a gluten free dairy free cake with four layers of jam and coconut whipped cream. I want to drink my morning espresso while wearing something silky and sensual.

So, I guess I'll start there. Release and try on. Release and try on. 

All slippery sliding like those sweet little Pisces fish.

Hello deep winter. Hello.