What I did wrong.


My tangle.

I tried to be 'better.'

On the outside, life is gorgeous. I can see the gorgeous life. I have even been waking up to catch the sunset and meditate.

On the inside, things are misaligned and the voices are cranking out words of suffering. There is a feeling of being irrelevant which hurts me because it is of my own creation.

The tangle takes shape. Twists. 

I live and teach and breath inside of iterative living. I know how to make change. I know how to become. I have learned over years of discovery how to teach iterative living.

Mistake number one is...making a change towards becoming so that you can be better, fixed.

I fell into the trap of the idea that something was wrong with me, so I needed to change it.

I know, 'being better' seems harmless, possibly even good (?) but here it was implying that something was wrong, broken, needed fixing.

Iterative living operates on the idea that you are stepping into something that already is. You embody this feeling/self fully by using change as the tool. Simply, your past self decides to start making the bed for your future self who is (already) adored. Or. Your past self walks past the mess of the bed and steps over laundry piles making a further mess, for your future self, who is, unworthy.

If you step into it as wrong, unworthy, less than, then that is what you get.

Imagine getting dressed in the morning under a feeling of being unworthy and choosing to stay in pajamas and then calling in 'sick' to work which feels awful in your bones versus embodying adoration and taking a shower, putting on an outfit that is a bit out of your comfort zone but allows you to feel like a rising star and walking into the office, red lips sparkling (or whatever it is).

So here I was. stepping into phase two of operation sobriety as though I was broken, uptight, too controlling, not free flowing enough. (Which by the way, is old old shit.)

Then when it felt like it back fired, this brilliant attempt of mine to be better, I didn't hold space for myself to feel like anything had gone wrong. I fought so hard against feelings of regret that I ended up all tangled.

Things that are important to me didn't get done because I was trying to be in a flow. Picture, long white skirt flowing while wearing a linen apron stirring cookie batter while conducting an orchestra and writing a book.

I am highly functional and one of the ways I do that is to make the cookies three days before the orchestra tunes up. This way I can usually crank out a meatloaf and some chicken soup too. Planning ahead. No white skirt.

And a little bit uptight.

Steps that I take to get from one place to another were tucked to the side so I could be less uptight.

I ended up falling behind, struggling to get anything done and feeling like a complete failure who refused to feel like a failure because she was trying so hard to go with the F-ing flow.

Then after days and days of wrestling with this part of me that didn't feel like me, I got the download. I call it God voice, I hear the words in my head.

The voice said, "You aren't trying to be better, you are trying to live inside the truth of how you are feeling. Remember the prayer you made to yourself?"

God voice is brilliant. 100% accuracy so far.

The tangle was I had taken my next iteration of becoming which was all around being inside the feelings of my truth and twisted it to look like certain things.

Somehow I got from truth of my feelings to convincing myself I was an uptight asshole.

The first thing I did was to give myself days of acknowledging what I felt I did wrong, where I felt off, stretched, wrong, pulled, silenced, overwhelmed, fearful.

The thoughts were loving. 

Hey, that didn't feel good and actually you weren't in your truth in that moment. Oh that is when you wished you had used your voice. OK, now I see where you over scheduled and over committed and what that left you with.

This let me synch back up with what was important to me, not what was important to being broken and needing to be somehow better.

I love looking at the data. I love seeing how experiences and plans look in reality. I love scratching stuff that doesn't work off the list or figuring out how to solve it.

I've been talking on Instagram and in My Great Big Fantastical Life Circleabout how I want to live inside of healing, wake up to it, make it my daily practice. I don't want to wait for something to break so I can go in and make it 'better.'

I am seeing this is connected to living in the truth of my feelings. Things break within me when I am pretending, pleasing and silencing. Then I get to be in full distraction of my feelings and fix.

In my untangling I am asking myself questions so I can source the truth of my feelings. I can get so lost in the stories of the feelings that I can't locate reality. Fantasy games of enneagram four. Anxiety as narrator. 

One of those questions is, what felt wrong? Owning that to me is owning that I want to live in adoration and trust of myself. 

Then I can get into the kitchen and make the damn cookies. White flowing skirt optional.

Add lipstick.