“I want to sing like the birds sing, not worrying about who hears or what they think.”
Last year I wrote my want list.
As I was preparing this letter to you, because the eve is my favorite of anything, I read over the words that have sat undisturbed for over a year now.
I want to start leaving love notes for my kids in surprise places.
I want more kisses. Deep. Long. For no reason and all the reasons.
I want to fight less, laugh more, fear less, risk more.
I want to use my voice in the times when I can't find it, use it, allow it.
I want my hair to feel beautiful again.
I want time to expand as I pack up my boxes for the unknown of a storage unit.
I want to eat a chocolate chip cookie out of the oven, with my littles, cold glasses of milk and homework spread out around us.
I want the farmhouse to come alive in whatever shape it will take first for me so I have a home for my family.
I want to feel beautiful in my photos again. Or still.
I want more nights talking with him and our friends, learning and sharing stories, and feeling so connected.
I want to drive the boat all on my own, letting the fear be overcome by joy.
I want to write more again, in new ways, with ideas that have yet to find me.
I want to hold space for letting things go. Things. Stuff. Clothes. Extra.
I want my body to feel strong and tall and capable.
I want money in the savings account to stay there and grow.
I want coffee with cream in bed while I snuggle inside the cool white sheets.
I want to feel sexy again when I climb on top of him and feel him become part of me.
I want water to be my guide.
The anticipation of the time before. The looking back.
I drive the boat, it feels like the closest thing to flying. I just had a hair make over. The farmhouse manifested and was said goodbye to, all within the space of those wantings finding their way from my heart and out.
There are things I am still in the wanting of. On that list. That have changed as I have.
In two days I will step into another year. Sometimes it feels almost impossible the movement of life, the forcing of the surrender to time.
In the morning we begin inside the wanting.
The women are gathering because they crave knowing what they want, how they want to feel.
Because they feel wrong in their skin.
Because they can't look in their own eyes.
Because it is one of the greatest gifts a woman can give to herself to devote a practice to adoring her skin and spirit.
Because freedom and sensuality and connection.
Because being seen.
Because sex hasn't been there and it is time to bring it back, by infusing something that long ago was or has longed to become.
Because confidence is a practice. A devotional ritual.
Because sensuality changes everything.
In wanting, the idea is to focus on what makes you feel good or what you sense or intuit will make you feel good, not on what you don't have or are lacking.
When we know what we want (desire), and feel it fully, we line up the vibrations to live inside of that.
We must want to feel sexy and sanguine before it can find us.
Make the words your own.
For me sexy and sanguine is confidence that sends out a vibration to others and flows back into me and living inside of a daily devotional practice of gentle sensuality and an intentional safe and free sexuality.
It is walking out into the world knowing some of the things we'll play with in the next couple of weeks.
Make it yours.
Grab a thesaurus, go into some magazines for found words (more on this soon) or just let your stream of consciousness take over.
Today open that book or journal and create your own want list. This does not need to be poetic or typo free, just real and true and yours.
If you were inside of this work last year, go back and see what you wrote. Find your words that have been lying still as mine have. See where they have taken you.