She stood next to me while I put on my make-up. It was Easter Eve and the presence of God/Source Energy, the God in everything, was swirling around us.
"How do our prayers go where they need to and get answered? How is that possible?"
I could feel my body light up. These questions are pure delight.
She then turns around and runs out of the room, "Never mind that is a stupid question."
I walked out to the living room. I told her that this was not a stupid question. That adults think about this, write books about this, are in constant wonderment and awe of prayer.
I spoke a few words about energy and allowing. She was embarrassed by her own wonder and wasn't ready for a big discussion. As though she should just automatically understand prayer, while all the adults around her are searching for their own understanding.
Why do we pray?
Last night I fell apart. I contracted. I went deep inside of pain and fear.
I felt like a fraud. Like I was letting everyone down. I was triggered out of my sense of calm and a recently found deeper empathy for myself into the belief that I was going to lose everything. Because of criticism. Because of the last year of chaos and unknowing. Because my unworthiness was being splayed out for me to see.
My love and I started fighting. I pushed. And pushed. My tears felt like they were taking over my body. I readied myself for him to leave. To prove to me that I was losing everything, including his love. I was embarrassed and vulnerable and scared.
I was sobbing with my head down in my arms. I heard him grab his keys and walk out the door.
See, I am losing everything. I contracted deeper into the pain. I would just feel it all tonight. I've been here before. It has all fallen apart before.
Why do we push away what we love and want and need the most?
A few minutes later he walked back in, grabbed a beer and sat down next to me.
"Are you done pushing me away yet?"
When we were talking about money stories in my business circle I asked the women what motivated them? Money is never the actual motivation, it is simply the currency we use to manifest the desire.
My past motivations have been freedom and adoration. Those drove me to create, to write, to connect, to find answers, to manifest this business that feels larger than what I can understand yet.
Both motivations were found from a flip of what I lacked into what I knew was already in my future. The lack, the falling apart, the falling to my knees on the kitchen floor in surrender, in sending out the prayer so I could find acceptance for what was to become new.
To take the pain and fear that was and allow it to tell the new story. One that does exist in vibration and energy and the God in everything. One that is already held in a truth that comes from its telling.
After feeling the truth of the story that you no longer wish to hold true. After the prayer. After the acceptance. After the push. After the place the story started and into the one you now write on the blank page, on the mantra stone, in bullet points or list form.
And now of safety inside of love.
The new motivation born into a future self. The motivation that will bring me to her. That already is. The woman whose currency is now safety inside of love. Who believes she can have abundance and love at the same time. Who knows that her superpower is loving. And who receives all the beauty that she puts forth.
The story becomes a shift in vibration, like a magnet attaching me to her and I feel my cells literally change as I close my eyes and integrate her into my being.
Safety inside of love.
Each year when a new circle begins, I begin again.
I teach to learn, to become a better teacher, to understand and explore what I most desire. This circle gives me a chance each year to understand the magic of the Universe on that next level vibration.
I am integrating her. The one that came before, that is aching for new discovery.
The integration piece is one I prefer to skip.
So here I am. Sinking back in.