I have been craning my head up to the sky yelling, "Is this Mercury??" Over. And Over.

Then I posted on Social Media.

We've had a few pretty triggered and sticky days together. I am not communicating anything in a way that brings more ease, only defensiveness between both of us. I know that the words are there, that I can find them to share my fears and feelings. But waiting for them can feel like time slows down, punches you in the gut and tells you how shitty you are at love. So. I wait inside those things and pray for the words that will heal this next layer of our love.

And you all came. You circled me.

You shared words. And links.

You told me you understood. That you were in it, or just found your way out from under it.

It was indeed mercury retrograde. Time for completions. Time for being patient inside of communications. 

I felt held in this crazy love from women all over the world.

He and I had spent the entire weekend together and felt like we were planets apart. We fought, over, we aren't totally sure. His stress. My fears. Every time he gets stressed and behaves differently something deep gets triggered in me.

I don't feel I am enough. I get freaked out. I suddenly can't communicate. I behave differently. Then I trigger something deep inside of him.

And repeat. We calm down. Breathe into the truth of the need to both be right. I touch him, rub him, in the ways I know bring him back to me, bring me back to him. We come back.

One wrong word. Boom. Triggered. Back in. Defensive. I. Must. Be. Right.

He left Monday morning. But he might as well have been gone. Our connection to the other is so sensitive. Extreme. When we are showing up for only our own feelings we can't feel the other person. And it creates chaos in our bodies. We can both feel it in our guts.

After he left I was still stuck inside my own feelings of hurt. I couldn't snap out of it. 

You all circled around me. You know our story. You know he is my person. You know what it feels like to be in that place in love where you are so scared you feel inside out.

I started to soften. I climbed deeper into forgiveness than I think I ever have.

I want to be new. I want to be new. I want to be new. I want to be new.

The old story that I keep living over and over and over is making me sick inside. It is hurting me. Him. Us. And his are too.

What I wanted was to be able to meet him inside of his feeling place even if it didn't make me feel particularly good (because of my stories and the way I take on his feelings) and show up as love. As a place holder for him. As the person who is strong enough to let him fall apart or be triggered or mean or angry or sad or pissed and just hold space so he can move through it.

Instead of the you can't have your feelings right now because they make me feel horrible reaction, I want to be new.

I want to be new. I want to be new. I want to be new. I want to be new.

As I was softening. Meditating into this. States away. He felt it. We were both inside of it.

He said words that I needed to hear to pull me back, to be back. We were in that space of forgiveness. Not for each other, but of ourselves.

I hold on. I don't let go. Forgiveness holds so many layers of fear.

Being assholes to each other. To the one you love and cherish the most. Protection. Stories. Walls. Triggers. Old shit that has dug itself so deep into your cells it hurts to push it out.

I want to be new. I want to be new. I want to be new. I want to be new.

"Damn you Mercury."
And in the day of darkness before the rebirth of the sun he says...I just want to be with you, I am happier when I am with you. I want to be new.

I can see all we are burning in the fire, before we even light it.

To be new means to change. To change means to let go. To let go creates a space holder to love. To love is to be new...

Happy Solstice sweet souls from all over. Let it burn, before the light.