When you are failing everyone
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For the last 9 months I have been living as a single mom. My kids and I are learning about constant transitions. It feels raw and like I am walking around without skin some days.
When the kids first started living in two homes I never knew where anyone was. I would wake up in the middle of the night panicked. Were they here in the dark or at their dad's house? Did I have to drive them to school or was my mom getting them?
I couldn't sleep. I still can't but I am more relaxed. My nervous system has been in constant firing motion. Keep us safe. Keep moving. Don't stop.
There is no one to take care of you. There is no one to take care of you. Don't stop. Don't stop. Don't sleep. Keep us safe. Keep moving.
The thing that has been the hardest over the past two years of getting closer and closer into separation and divorce is how overwhelmed I have been. And how selfish I have to be.
I am constantly living with the feeling of disappointing people. This used to happen regularly just as one of the hard parts of my work. I hold space for hundreds of women. I run 4-10 programs a year. I connect and support so many and often when those programs are over the women feel abandoned or lost without me.
Writing that feels vulnerable and scary. But this is what I have lived with for the last few years. I have learned boundaries. I know that I can't possibly hold more space than I already do without going a bit crazy or not having any personal space but it can hurt. People get mad at me. And all I want is to be able to bring my work to as many women as possible.
I have had to be selfish in these last few months. For my kids. For myself. For my future.
The consequence of that is feeling as though I am failing even more people. There are times when I want to put myself into a bubble and float away. Or buy a bus and put my family into it and drive away. I have dreams of opening a bar.
I feel like I am failing my frienships. My kids. My business. The man I have been with for 21 years, the most obvious fail. Because holy shit I fought. I fought so hard for years because I don't give up.
And then I started to feel like I was failing the man I am madly in love with. Because I have no idea how to hold onto a love like this. I have never ever felt this before and it makes me terrified.
Can we really be this scared of everything we want manifesting and wrapping us inside of love?
That's when I hit a wall. Overwhelm and this feeling of 'this just isn't who I am.'
What has happened inside of this overwhelm is realizing that I didn't know what I want. I know what others want from me. I know what people expect of me. I know what others want.
But me. I had no idea what I want in so many places. I thought I did. I thought I was crystal clear.
Freedom. Joy. Love. Truth. Trust.
But inside of each of those are decisions that must be made each day.
I go on Craigs list just to see what buses might be for sale. I mean I could live in a bus right?
What do I want?
I don't want to live in a bus. This is I am sure of.
I want to change my business model. I want to increase my income so that I can support my kids as a single mom. I want to be the best mom. I want to live in a house some day again with a beautiful kitchen waking up to the most beautiful man I know. I want to learn how to receive him taking care of me. I want to host dinner parties with all the kids running around and the people we love gathered to break bread and pour wine and laugh and share stories. I want to garden every day I can get into the dirt. I want to nurture and adore the man I love and his kids and hold him inside of our freedom. I want all the amazing sex. And then more sex. I want to speak my friend's love languages even more so they feel my love. I want joint custody with my kids in a way that lets them know how much they are loved and have far less transitions. I want big family dinners with blessings and all the yummy food and laughter. I want to run again (meaning fix bladder). I want to hold more in person retreats. I want to create a gorgeous store through coyoteloon.com so that everyone knows how fucking special they are. I want to stop feeling like I am failing everyone so I can continue to love people the way I know how. I want to show up as love because that is who I believe I am.
And I am really dreaming about that bar.
Love. #ourfreedomplan
I get scared. That everything I want will not be possible or I will be told no. I will be told I do not deserve it or that I am asking for too much.
But I know differently. I know I can manifest the hell out of this life. I have vibrated the most amazing people into my life. I am living inside of the freedom plan which feels like the second half of my life.
I can see the future in tiny doses and I can't believe this is my life. How can this be my life? It feels too amazing on the other side of all the work that must be done for #ourfreedomplan
I am ready to feel safe. To be love. I want my nervous system to relax so my body can feel free. Can feel love.
I want to be the vibration of love. And then more love. And giggles. And joy. And freedom.
I want to trust that I am loved. Deeply. And that I am not alone even inside of space and overwhelm.
[And I want to bake pie.] All the pies.
xo
And loves, what do you want? What do you really want?
