The other night I slept for 5 hours straight. I don't do this. I move. I toss and turn. I wonder where I am, where the kids are, where my love is, what time it is, if I can wait to pee for one more hour...
I woke up at 5am and stepped right into a communication nightmare. Mis-firing and angry words and confusion.
I made a cup of coffee and walked down to the lake bordering the house where I had slept, for those 5 hours.
I put my feet deep in the water and the magic fish swam up to me waiting to see if I had brought bread crumbs.
The New Moon was void in the sky and I prayed. I told the lake I was exhausted. That I didn't think I was strong enough to get divorced. To fight if I needed to fight because all I crave is love.
The lists. The phone calls. The kids needs. I don't even know what I want anymore, and this used to be my super power. I always knew. But I rarely asked for it or believed I deserved it. But fuck, I always knew.
Now I am tangled in what everyone else wants or needs. I can't feel myself.
So I sat on her edge and prayed in my exhaustion, after sleeping 5 hours, in stillness.
A heron. A mama duck and five babies. A dragonfly. Spiders. Magic fish. Moths.
Moths were all over the twinkle lights I hung on the deck all night.
Animal medicine swirling.
The truth is I am scared. I have never felt so scared in all my life. That I am not strong enough to endure this process. A soul contract ends and the legality of separating on pieces of paper and custody and lawyers and all of it makes me feel like drowning when all I want is to rise.
I slept 5 hours. Then I prayed. Then I slept for another 2 hours. When I woke up I was scared that I didn't do what I needed. That my tasks weren't done. That there was so much unfinished. I knew I would be writing this love note to you all at midnight after transitioning the kids back to the Loft, dinner, pie, homework, work, showers that never happened, laundry that never happened.
Because all I want to do is sleep. Because I am afraid that I truly do know what I want and I can't have it. I am afraid to say it aloud. I am afraid that I am not supposed to want what I want right now, more than anything in the world.
I am afraid that I am letting people down. I called the one that is holding so much for me right now, that I fear I am letting down every day. She said I could remain inside of love. That I am love and that is the only way I would move through this. She keeps reminding me of my strength. I prayed for the day I feel stronger. When it feels easier.
Why is it so hard when it should be easy?
"Why my love?"
Because everything is changing. And it is the most magical experience I have ever felt wrapped inside of the hardest things I will ever face.
So let's sleep. And pray. And dream of the future because it is the future that is holding us in her arms and slowly pulling us towards her.
She keeps asking us what we want. She will not let us back down.
I discovered today that I like peanutbutter but I always eat almond butter because it is healthier. So I slathered an apple with peanutbutter and every bite was delicious and crispy and the butter was running down my fingers and it felt like joy.
My super power is love.
I must learn to mix in patience and ease and space. And stand still. Once again. I circle back to standing still so all that must happen before what I most want can manifest.
Let's sleep. For 5 hours or more. Let's nap. Let's find peace.
And then let's fight. Let's create the life we dream of.
Will you tell me what you want? What you like? What you most need?
Then will you tangle up in my arms and sleep?
I slept for 5 hours and then I prayed.
I remembered that I was love. Overwhelmed love at the moment, but love is my super power.
Maybe now I can find sleep.
And if he is love. If he can hold you, we made this shirt for him.
Because even when it is so tough and overwhelming and so damn hard, he is there.
Holding. Loving. Remembering. Adoring. Leading.
#loveismysuperpower tee available at CoyoteLoon.com