She sits in the mini van after being told another's truth. A truth that was a mind over a heart. The rain is pouring down and tears ask her to look between rain drops.
In Chinese mind and heart are the same word.
She struggles to untangle so she can understand with her head. She wants her mind to explain her feelings away. She wants so deeply to have words to make it all find some sense. Offer her ease in yet another transition into herself.
Her heart and mind have never been separate. This is not something she can take apart, even for a moment.
She is xin. She walks with xin. She often acts in ways that are seen as irrational by others because not separating mind from heart is big feelings and wild living and so much. She loves deep. She is a playful, sensual lover. Her xin is her guide every time she laughs.
She knows that there is no separating the mind and heart. They beat and breathe as one. They speak together. She knows they speak together.
She doesn't have to understand the decisions of others, all she needs to find is the compassion inside of it.
Through the glass she sees a woman on the side of the road holding up a sign, asking for help. Money. A glance. Who knows.
She digs into her pockets and pulls out every bit of cash she can find. A twenty, a couple of ones, a five. Rolling down the window she catches her tears and slips the wad of crumpled bills into the woman's hands.
She hears. Bless you. Through the raindrops. Keep looking through the rain drops.
She knows she will have to say goodbye to the butterflies. The ones that came before the truth that now changes her next steps. Again. She needs to be more careful when letting others hold her xin and not lose compassion inside of fear.
As the van moves through the puddles she thinks about what she will say to her boys as they are becoming men. How she will talk to them about holding a woman's xin with such tenderness and joy.
What will she say to them about trust? Trust feels endangered. She wants them to know trust. To gift it to every woman they love, whether for five hours or five years or a lifetime.
She wants them to know that the mind and the heart are not separate, they exist as one beautiful, confusing, lush, mesmerizing, compassionate, flowing note.
The windshield wipers go faster and the moments become hidden from her story.