My bladder still leaks. Sometimes I am so used to it and then I attend a wedding in my hot little red dress and start to jump on the dance floor and with the warm release remember that I have holes. Leaks. Places that no longer work as they once did. I have to keep stopping and padding. I jump less and feel slight embarrassment with each trip to the bathroom.
So, it leaks. I'm working on it. I don't believe I will live with this forever. I do love the irony that bladder issues have to do with holding, with fear of letting go. So mine just lets go a lot since emotionally I am a master holder!
The pain from Interstitial Cystitis is mostly gone. Holy shit. I'll type that again. The pain is mostly gone. Today was the first day I've had a flare up in months. Months. This part of me working better than it has in so many years. I can have sex with ease and fun. My body can move and flow. It feels a bit like a rebirth for this part of my body, this feminine squishy loved place.
I feel sexy. I feel open. I feel my yes.
(Please grab that mantra for yourself.)
The pain was the crazy gift. I love my bladder. I have deep respect for all it does and even for what it can no longer do.
I understand that when I am 'off' like today it is a reminder that I am heading towards a new place. And that I must drink water even though I don't like to pee often.
It is my gentle nudge that I must start to create the nest for the new.
This loved bladder of mine allows me to feel present. To not run away.
Being present means not always being strong. It means feeling tired (like I am today) or scared. It is understanding the fears so we can move through. Each time new space is coming in our lives, something happens. It is in the listening that we are able to move through.
You can be strong later. In the present you need to feel it to move through it.
We have been talking about feeling in Making Space for Surrender. Feeling what you are fighting against rather than numbing it or silencing it. Feeling it so it can become a guide towards what you want. Feeling it so you can find a way to what you need.
So tonight I am going to put on my yoga pants and make mug after mug of steaming red raspberry leaf tea. I'm going to make a huge pot of chicken corn chowder (recipe will be in Holiday Joy Up). I'm going to clear out a few corners that have piled up with stuff.
On the last full moon I tried to release silence. Held the word inked on paper onto the red flames of the fire. But truly I suck at release. I don't like it if I'm being honest. But I wrote it down as though that word needed to jump out to the paper.
I thought it meant that I needed to find ways to talk more about how I am feeling.
What I've realized in the last few weeks is that I am actually releasing the fear of silence and opening to the softness of what I adore.
I use words. Typed on this old computer. Words unspoken are how I process. How I share. How I guide. How I teach.
For now I am not the girl in the therapist's chair. I write. I write to breathe. I write to move through. I write to feel.
And in the silence of my writing I find home, find love, find truth, find you, find longing, find peace.
A bladder loved. I had to feel the pain to find the love. And so...
A new prompt for those of you keeping your vision books. Find that intuitive beauty resting inside your lovely eyes, and play.