How are you, now?

PicMonkey Collage bw

There was a time that I stopped asking this question. I think when I was in school they told us not to, that we should ask instead what was good, make it about the positive. (You health coaches know the question, new and good right?)

And every time I would not ask the question I wanted to ask the question. I love that question. Even in its vague simplicity. I love knowing how someone is. I love seeing where they enter when I ask it. I love that I can get an entire story from their now. I love that we can just start there.

I even love that most enter in the negative. Because there is something so cleansing about purging out what is hard or what we are struggling with. It makes space for us to find our gratitude.

When my kids come home from school I ask them what the worst part of their day was. They usually struggle to find something but once they get it out all the good stuff flows out of them. Until I asked that question every answer was, 'fine.'

For the last year I've been visioning around my 39th year. My year of 38 has been about finding my fierceness, listening to my heart and learning who I was. I also thought it was going to be around knowing, really knowing. Having it all figured out. I mean, isn't that why I was visioning around it for so long?

But if you ask me how I am now? I am a little confused. I am struggling with some parts of me that I thought would be settled. I thought I would know myself so much deeper and yet it feels like this past year every one of my cells has been replaced and I must spend the next year getting to know each detail of my body, my heart, my desires, my work, my passions, my needs, my longings, my all.

Not what I thought. Rarely is. I feel kind of like a white board wiped clean but with all the vague traces of what was before showing in light grey.

I am fully committed to exploring the sensuality of this grey.

A few panic attacks have found me once I realized that I was going to turn 39 and not have the answers. Those cells, they had different plans for me. Damn.

I spent a weekend with my Magic Making Mastermind Group. It was beautiful. I found myself watching everyone. Studying them. Wanting to know in every moment how they were now and realizing that some of their cells were changing. Being replaced slowly with new ones that they had yet to integrate.

And I love this life now. And it can be really scary as we change, now.

The mix of realness and gratitude and fears and beauty. I'm landing here. Now.

How am I, now?

A little weepy, a heart settling down from panic attacks (finally), cozy in bed with my computer doing what I do to process and teach all together, grateful my period is over cause it was a tough one, worried about our new goldfish, so happy my eyebrows are waxed, adjusting to this chilly fall weather and hoping for a hot weekend, dreaming of a glass of red after yoga (kind of like going to bed thinking about the coffee you'll wake up to, kinda like that with my glass after yoga!), wondering if I can sneak in a 20 minute nap with my 5 year old and constantly thinking about spending time in the city with 6 women who fill my spirit Friday night.

And how are you, now? I really want to know.