"I can't believe that," said Alice. "Can't you?" the queen said in a pitying tone, "try again; Draw a long breath and shut your eyes." Alice laughed. "There's no use trying," she said. "One can't believe impossible things." "I dare say you haven't had much practice," said the queen. "When I was younger, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."
~ Through the Looking Glass by Lewis Carroll
Typically creating my own programs terrifies me. When I am called to go into the depths of the creation process and the writing I feel paralyzed.
I become blocked.
Words don't flow. I feel like I shot out a bubble that surrounds me and doesn't allow for Universal magic to flow through me.
I procrastinate. I get sad. Tears are all around me. I question every decision in my life. I look for the cave door so I can crawl inside.
I gain weight around my middle.
Maybe this sounds a bit dramatic, but I am, so keep going with me here.
I go from the initial high of the launch and then get stuck in the hard stuff. So as I am trying to draw women in, to sign up, to commit to themselves in a way that they may never have believed possible, I also feel resistance to my being the guide of the journey.
Looking at the 5 fundamentals that built the foundation of the first Joy Up 2 years ago I think how silly it is that they created this program. And then I remember their impact and realize how many of them I am not doing. I realize that once again I am calling forth the programs, the practice that I need to fill up on Joy, to call her name and listen to her as she reminds me that it is all a choice.
I read my own words which I will never remember writing. I find stillness. I clean up the space around me. I pour a cold glass of water.
Placing my left fingers on asdf and my right on jkl; I close my eyes and pray. I type and delete.
I go back to my vision book and remember why I am here. I feel my fear in the form of bladder flare ups and yeasts infections and brain fog (how my emotional manifests in my physical body) and I return to food as my medicine.
A huge bowl of salad sits next to me with a fresh squeeze of lemon and salty cashews.
I wonder why I haven't been able to share words and then I remember my process. I don't skip steps. I desire one day to morph the process just enough so that maybe I don't put on those extra few pounds or disconnect with my family or stop looking for the cave door each time creation is holding my hand.
But these are my steps. This is how I begin my journey. I play in the shadows of my why, the darkness that I lived/live so that the light of my work may shine.
The practice and choice and calling forth of joy is not without the caves we must crawl into. It is knowing that both shadow and light are received and seen and held by joy.
And so I go back and read words from a year ago that my left hand and right hand typed. A note from my past self to my future self, awaiting me just when I needed her. Through my own program.
I step into my process. My practice.
I'm in the cave but for the first time I am leaving the door open for light, for support, for space.
I opened the door so I could be here now. Sharing a little bit of truth.
Remembering why we gather...
And so we begin.
Our embrace and heart connection to joy at times can seem impossible. So can the presence of magic, abundance or fairies dancing outside while we sleep, rearranging little seeds and sleeping under flower pedals.
And what if we never chose to believe, even for 5 minutes in the impossible. The impossible in our own minds.
I have decided to believe in it all. Making impossible, possible. Embracing magic as a value, a power, an everyday possibility.
This time and space, where we step into choosing joy, is to me - magical.
This is not a simple choice. Often it comes from being in a place in our lives where we feel a disconnect to joy; caused by other choices or circumstances where we feel powerless or broken.
Joy becomes our light. The light that has always been inside.
Joy's light, her softness, is a part of us. She is our muse.
Our gorgeous, magical, soft muse.
Are you ready?
We start August 1st. I will be out of the cave and into my light so that I may guide you towards finding or simply being YOU inside of yours.