I don't know how to live without the pain.

"And if you feel free, you feel empowered. And every negative emotion that exists—hear this—every negative emotion that exists is because there is some sense of loss of freedom somewhere in there."

--- Abraham

me in white.

I think in blog posts sometimes, well a lot.

I think about my pain, the pain that has mostly been released, in blog post style, in my mind.

Physical therapy last Wednesday. A safe space where I go to work through the pain that I held in my pelvic floor, in my muscles, for so long. Where I learn to strengthen and stop fearing my body.

The confession: I don't know how to be without the pain. I've spent months understanding the pain, healing from the pain, processing the pain, learning to release the pain.

I know the pain isn't something that was happening to me, it was happening inside of me.

I know that the pain has been in my life for over 15 years.

I know that I don't have to have the constant fear of, excuse of... the pain. Now that it is going. But I do need to accept it as something that once was.

I know that I don't know how to live without the pain. I am learning.

I know that the pain was mine. No blame. Just mine.

As I am working through this release and into freedom it is this place I find myself, learning to live without the pain. No longer having the excuse, the set-backs, the chaos, the nurturing when down, the time away healing, the whatever it gave me.

And most of all I know that I don't have to feel the pain anymore. Just the reality of it releasing. I  can think about it in blog posts, but I have to feel it.

That is freedom. Freedom is what I'm ready to feel.

It is this that I am starving for.