I am embracing a new feeling of sexy. (Please know how terrifying it is to write that on my blog which I'm fairly certain more than 3 people read now!!!)
After my first pelvic floor therapy appointment I started to feel a release. My therapist told me that she couldn't believe how tight my pelvic floor muscles were and she spent about half an hour working to release them, which she will continue to do once a week for a month or so. I don't really know what she was doing, but I do know she used the word trigger points. It was a combination of pain and release.
I was not surprised at how tight those muscles are. I have a jaw that I clench almost always. I am a hyper-flexible body and I hold it as tight as I can. Always. My contradiction. My female story.
Part of my beautiful work for myself has been learning to release as I am a self taught holder. Often in the release there is a whole lot of pain that I'd rather not feel. And feel I am.
The night of my first appointment I was so tired. I couldn't keep my eyes open. I fell asleep with Lucas in his bed and then came up to bed. As a night owl I felt really thrown. Confused.
I climbed into bed and sobbed. Like buckets. Then I slept. I wasn't crying about anything but no amount of holding was going to stop those tears. It felt special to let them flow.
My dreams have been wild. I've been exhausted. My doctor told me I need to be careful about combining too much energy work while I am going through these appointments because I tend to be on the intense side. I understand now what he was saying.
My new desired feeling is sexy. To welcome back the knowing that my body, despite leaking and flare ups, can be and feel sexy. I've always been slightly afraid of being that. Feeling that. For some reason at 38, sitting here in the equinox I am ready.
Fall's arrival combined with my newest year always brings a rebirth of something. This year I am giving birth to feeling sexy. To the woman that is emerging as I work through the release. As I embrace what is next on my list of dreams.
On the equinox.
What are you embracing on your equinox? Is there a story you are done with and ready to release? Where do you find yourself today?
The bladder story, for those who need to know they aren't alone.