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Through the years the colors faded.
As I grew, my mother always joked that my wedding dress would be covered in sequins. I would just roll my eyes at her. When the time came to buy that dress, it didn't have a single shiny sequin on it. Now, 7 years later, I ask myself, why didn't it?
As a child I liked to paint ceramics. I liked to create. I crocheted dolls clothes, I knit, I cross-stitched. I made my own designs. Not very 'artsy', but original. I spent hours in my room each day working on these projects.
I thought I wasn't creative because I saw work that others did, and mine paled in comparison. I didn't have the originality that they did. So what, I think now. It could have come with practice.
I listened to music. I danced. I wanted to be a rock star. My mother told me that some dreams weren't meant to come true.
I decided that I didn't like to write because the words didn't come easily to me. I especially didn't like to write about myself. Maybe that's because I didn't know myself.
I left behind a career I didn't love in search of one I could feel with a passion I never had before. I struggle, because 3 years later it's so close but I can't seem to grab hold of it.
I struggle with being a mom.
I live in a house I do not love, although it is my home and I do love my home. It's not decorated and that makes me sad. How many reasons? Time, the hope of moving, style - what is my style? I don't know. Anyway, I'm not creative, so even if I did decorate it would not be nice.
At the root of it, the woman who has been showing up is not the original. She too uptight to live and be free because she made herself into a spectator, to scared to join the game. She follows people who create, instead of creating herself.
So today I am going to start trying.
Bring back the color. The rainbows. The sequins. Take note of what behaviors don't serve me anymore. What people and relationships don't either. What do I want? Not the me who has been showing up and says I want to be a better mom - being a better mom will result no matter what.
What do I want out of life? What doe the little girl sitting in her room doing crafts what?
She wants to create pretty things.
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September 22nd, 8:30pm Eastern Time (hopefully that can include some of you in different time zones)
The call will be recorded and sent out to everyone on the list so sign up even if you are unsure you can call in.
The energy live will be beautiful.