I am lying on the only patch of grass on our lawn. It is full, lush and gorgeous. The rest is dirt. Each time the children play outside they come in filthy. It is a challenge for anything to grow in that backyard. I'm sure we need new dirt, but for now I am concentrating on killing the grubs and understanding that gardening requires that which is my new sweet friend, patience.
When I was living inside of debt, (I say inside because we still have debt, we just aren't actively accruing it) I tried everything to turn the backyard into my dream space. I racked up debt and everything always died. Grass never grew. Plants died. Our debt came for many reasons, and one of them is that I had no purpose. I was always looking for more, searching for some sort of something, to turn my world around. If I could have a beautiful yard and grow our own food, if I could have lots of clothes, if we could eat the best possible food....
The problem with the ifs was that I never saw where I was going. There was no dream, no direction, no purpose. Last year was different. I was so fully wrapped in my purpose that I didn't think about the backyard. I just let it be. I let the plants that were hanging on, keep hanging. I bought some fish emulsion, planted a few new things after visiting a plant sale and never touched a credit card. I started to make money and contribute. I was consciously spending and consciously moving through the world.
This year I am back. Instead of obsessing about the dirt all over the lawn and the lack of sun to grow veggies I am spending time with it. I am nurturing it. I bring my computer outside and I write while sitting out there.
I am growing grass in my mind. And look what is happening.
I never really wanted grass before. I wanted to be in a different place, with different circumstances. Living in my purpose allows for conscious living and choices. I am able to realize that, mostly, I want my kids to play and have some soft grass to land upon.