These days I am sitting and nursing...a lot. This is probably my last baby and it is amazing that this is the end of a phase of my life. I have grown and given birth to 3 beautiful babies. I also lost 3 pregnancies before Chloe was born. I have nursed or been pregnant for the past 6 years. I sit once again on the couch, flipping through the channels, watching my baby fall asleep after he guzzles his milk. I get anxious to have my hands free, to cook more, to sleep better. I also wish to slow time, to watch this baby grow and love every moment of it, crying nights and dirty diapers, exhaustion and all... as we do this one last time.
All the while Eli is changing. He is separating from me, finding his own path, looking to always get his way. And Chloe is loosing her teeth and growing her hair and "loving everybody" because it's easier than just loving a few! The two of them fight, yet I can feel their love. He looks up to her, quotes her, mimics her, wants to be her some days. He wants to loose teeth and go to Kindergarten. I want to run away to the country, no schools or jobs, and just watch them run through a field, fall into a pile of leaves and search for bugs all day. I want the trees to be mobiles for Lucas and Patrick to be with us as we picnic under orange leaves.
My family feels so different now, as does my body and my mind. I feel grounded, filled with routine and anxious for new chapters to start. This time as my body sheds the baby weight it will be mine again. I am ravenous, cannot eat enough to feed this baby. Wake up in the morning with a growling tummy. Wish there was a drive-through outside my bedroom window that served omelets filled with avocado, cilantro and salsa with roasted potatoes and veges on the side. Blueberry muffins hot from the oven and huge mugs full of my favorite black tea with agave and coconut milk. Smoothies made with strawberries, bananas and almond butter would be handed to me in a beautiful glass with a long straw so I could lean back on my pillow and sip the morning away. Perhaps the weight will not just fall away!
I'm not sure how much of the life I live now matches the dream I once had as a young 19 year old. I reflect back on that time and find some constants...health, children, passion, love. I'm with the man who once was the boy that young girl fell inlove with. We are in the midst of fighting kids, spit up and empty wallets. I am about to start school and realize a new dream. I'm filled with young school girl excitement...the thought of meeting Dr. Oz!!!!! Oh my!
I often wonder if I'm on the right path and then I see my baby smile, hear Eli say he loves me, listen to Chloe sing when she thinks you aren't listening. Patrick hears my kettle whistle on the stove and asks me what kind of tea I want. "With honey?" Yes, of course, with honey.