I want to be her.

I want to be her—even if I can’t remember who she is. When I first began homesteading three years ago, I watched a video of a young woman farmer giving a tour of her CA preservation shelves. These shelves were in her living room because she had a teeny tiny kitchen and jars for days to store.

This concept of her food spilling over into other parts of her home, tromboncino squash hanging off her shelves and propped near her books was the most romantic idea to me. I want to be her I thought. This is who I am supposed to be.

I harvested my herbs, filled jars, planted tromboncino so I too could hang these funny squash from my shelves all over my house. My living room bookshelf became home for the jars filled with catnip, sage, dried flowers, oregano and every other leafy thing I harvested.

I am her. I became her. I was living in my fantasy of the homesteader who grows and preserves enough food not just for one year, but years. And I felt like shit.

One morning I woke up, feeling nauseous as I always did, ate breakfast as I always did, then threw up. My body was done. I could feel it, it was in pain, sick, begging me to figure out what was wrong.

My mornings were filled with vertigo, a horrid cough, sinus draining, nausea, brain fog, irritability, exhaustion, pain. But I was a homesteader, doing everything right, eating amazing food, digging in the earth, putting my bare feet on grass filled with clover and dandelion, drinking brews of herbs from my garden. I AM HER! She was glowing and gorgeous and alive.

But my body was dying. I could feel it. Heart palpitations, edema, migraines, uterine pain, bladder pain, knee pain. The day after I threw up I eliminated food after food after food. I had brought myself to two meals a day of broth, meat, mushrooms and peas. I was still sick.

I was able to eat one food, beef. And salt. Lemon seemed passable too. I was a homesteader with bookshelves filled with plants, two freezers jammed with frozen vegetables, a pantry overflowing with colorful jars of jams and chutneys and sauces and I could eat one food.

Beef.

Not just any beef, only 100% grass fed and finished, not aged and frozen immediately after harvesting. Yes, it took me months to figure this all out. Elimination diets take a long time. I felt amazing for the first time in decades. I wasn’t bloated after I ate. I had almost no pain. I was getting energy back.

Each morning I woke up and was shocked I didn’t feel like throwing up. I had accepted this as just a normal part of who I was. My body that was so swollen and had gone up a full shoe size and three dress sizes was now deflating. I could feel the water pouring out of me. My shoes were falling off. My belly that always looked pregnant after a meal just stayed the same after I munched my burgers with salt.

I spent hours—which added up to weeks—researching, understanding, trying to find the root cause of what had been hurting me since I was a little girl. I wanted to know why I had been ‘the sick’ one, allergic to everything my whole life.

The first thing I discovered was that beef, salt and water is called the carnivore diet and many people with Lyme, MS, CIRS and all sorts of autoimmune issues call on this diet to heal them. I had found it through listening to my body. Many people add in other meats, eggs and dairy—some will also add some berries, fruits and honey—but no one on carnivore eats plants.

I couldn’t eat plants. None of them, not cooked or raw, not fermented or frozen.

When my mouth craved something other, I would add in olives and capers, mix them with the meat. When I was out and had nothing to eat I would keep a tub of sardines in my bag and eat them greedily. My entire body would break out in hives. They would start at my ankles or wrists and then spread through my body. I would scratch till bloody waking up with scabs all over my legs.

I eliminated all histamine related foods, which included left-overs, all my meat would need to be cooked fresh. The reason I couldn’t have aged meat was the histamines. Canned seafood, histamines. Olives and capers, histamines. Fermented foods, histamines. After a hive break out I would swell up in my feet and hands, something I had been dealing with my whole life and never understood.

My heart would palpitate. All those ER visits to monitor my heart, it was nothing more than histamine intolerance. The random breakouts of hives over the years, histamines. Histamines, histamines, histamines. I believe I can heal this as I heal my gut which is the goal of carnivore.

Our bodies learn to adapt. When I started growing my own food, fermenting everything and eating lots of ‘old’ food my body went into histamine overload. One of the ways my body coped was to send fluid to my joints as a way of protecting them. The swelling that I’ve experienced my entire life was simply my body trying to compensate for the histamine overload.

I made a list of what I was working to heal from: candida, SIBO, parasites, interstitial cystitis, diverticulitis, food allergies, dust mite allergies, vertigo, migraines, brain fog, exhaustion, anxiety and for the first time in my life a deep deep depression.

When I discovered something called CIRS, chronic inflammatory response syndrome, it was like all the pieces of the puzzle came together. After exposures to mold during certain points in my life, each of my chronic illness (that no doctor could explain) would manifest. I had every single marker for CIRS.

When I began learning more about CIRS and histamine intolerance I would hear functional medicine doctors talk about things that had confused me for years about my health. It was all coming together and making sense.

The carnivore diet plus a parasite cleanse in the beginning of the diet helped me to feel 60% better. The rest has been emotional, learning to no longer be someone who thrives on stress, hustle, productivity and performance. I had to peel back my life to expose the underneath, to get honest and to step into my peri-menopause years letting my dream of ‘being her’ gently go.

Two years ago as I began to homestead and eat more and more plants with histamines and oxalates and lecitins, we experienced a family trauma. One of my kids was admitted to a CBAT (community based acute treatment) center for two weeks and after that my job became helping this kid to heal. I was in constant fight or flight, my relationship was strained, I was trying to keep my coaching circle going.

I would sleep at night fully dressed, I set my alarm for every two hours to check on my kid. Every part of my routine changed and the hypervigilance that I stepped into was non negotiable. I was in it, and there would be no balance at this time. I get pissed when I hear ‘put your oxygen mask on first’ when dealing with your kids. There are no rules in parenting. When you are in crisis you show up and find yourself later. Parenting is seasonal and we never know when the wind will shift, but it will, and it does.

My kid was up against OCD that made simple tasks like eating near impossible. Depression would take them into a sleep that could last days. Body dis-morphia was intense. Gender questioning. Sexuality questioning. Eventually a bi-polar diagnosis after two years of really hard living. They also went into a transgender youth program to help them transition to trans-female and they came out to their entire school during senior year.

Finally, a name change, Eli became Harvey. We grieved the loss of Eli while we celebrated Harvey’s becoming and healing. My oldest child describes the last few years as emotional whiplash, it has been an entire family journey. We are exhausted and finding our joy bubbles again.

Now I am healing. Dave is healing. The other kids are becoming and all of our nervous systems are settling. I got a puppy who has been one of my healers, her love and devotion fills us. I hike a few miles every day in the woods, twice a day with the dogs. I eat a lot of beef, yesterday I ate seven little hamburgers. The garden is growing, fennel popping through weeds and blades of grass covering onion shoots. I don’t have to eat the veg to grow them.

The vision of myself as her is no longer one I can hold onto. Nothing is as it was two years ago when my kid was in crisis. Nothing is as it was six months ago when I stepped into my healing. Nothing is as it was five years ago when I had my last drink of alcohol. Nothing is as it was eight years ago when I met Dave. Nothing is as it was so that now we can all become.

I fed most of the squash on my bookshelves to the chicken but the freezers are filled with puree that I will find a way to use for chili for those in my family who will eat it. I am not preserving any herbs this year but there are piles of garlic scapes to turn into paste and fresh mint and lemon balm. My bookshelves are emptying ready to hold something else in place of all the jars. Space is being claimed on wooden shelves and in my body and spirit.

Next year I will grow more flowers. I hope to be able to eat some lettuce and cabbage after a full year of gut healing. I will have two kids in college in September and my mind is already dreaming up new projects and ideas for when I have more space.

I’ve spent the last fourteen years teaching about three things: she who was, I am and becomings. Past, present and future selves and how it all is essentially one swirl of spirit and time and integration. There has been magic and joy and surrender and seasons of our souls. I became a homesteader and a carnivore. I retired from coaching. I have spent hours in therapy with Dave so we can become a team and each other’s biggest supporters. I found sobriety. I became her.

She is not the her that was outside myself, she came from within. She came from a place deep inside, stirred from this Autumn season of life. She is the woman who lives in the invisible years now, a weaver of story, time and truthfulness. Her garden wild, her gut strong, her love palpable. Her presence is more real than her fantasy of self. Her past of playing victim replaced by her kindness and trust.

And I want to be her.

Less jars, less worry—more stories to write, more fires to stir, more time to bless. Bless this journey to her. Bless this journey to you. The wind will shift, the season will change, as it does. This is what we can know for certain, the thing we can all hold as truth, change will come for us. We will become and watch as others do. Gently extend your tenderness to this change. Bless it. Feel the wind blow through, root down and find her.

After the carrots.

I’ll do my taxes that I didn’t do after the carrots are washed and peeled and frozen. I’ll do them once I’ve vacuumed, the promise I’ve broken to myself for enough days that I’ve lost track. My stomach aches with words unspoken and memories cramming themselves into the spaces carved out for peace.

I’ll do it, them, all of it after.

Since I can remember I have been able to sit and do nothing for hours. Staring, thinking, praying, remembering. A nothing that overwhelms and calms and sorts out the mess. Five gallon bags of carrots from the Autumn, waiting to be peeled, to be used, to be remembered.

I’ll do it once the puppy goes a day without peeing on the rug. I’ll vacuum when my migraine is gone. Now that I don’t get them often, I can’t recall how I used to manage the pain. I want to undo. Reverse. Be someone who did the things.

Migraine. Carrots. Vacuum. Puppy. Taxes. Remembering.

I’ll do it, them, all of it, after.

Granola Bars for the Kids!

The table is cleared off after a long season of tomatoes. They have all gone to ovens, jars and freezers and the kids get the table back! To celebrate they get granola bars. These are so easy to make and you get a huge batch, enough to pop some in the freezer.

The recipe is very simple and you can change it up to suit your tastes and needs. Not gluten free, use regular flour. Don’t have almond meal, skip it. Maple syrup instead of honey, go for it (though honey is the best for this, you’ll see in the video I used what I had).

Granola Snack Bars

This is in no way a seasonal recipe but goodness one that my family needs right now. I don't have time to make big meals and the kids are always hungry. I no longer want to buy foods in excess packaging so making my own granola bars and granola has been on my list. They are so easy to make.

1/2 cup peanut or almond butter
1/4 cup coconut oil (melt if it is hard)
1 cup honey

Mix together until creamy.

4 1/2 cups rolled oats
1 cup flour (I use gluten free one to one)
1/4 cup almond meal
1 tsp baking soda

Mix into the butter mixture.

1/2 cup chocolate chips
1/4 cup chopped salted almonds
1/4 cup raisins or dried cranberries

Add in whatever you like, suggestions above. Mix together. Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Line a 9x13 baking dish with parchment and a little bit of oil or butter. Press mixture down into the dish. Bake for about 15-20 minutes depending on your oven, check at 15 minutes.

Let cool before cutting, you can score them for ease of cutting later. These get a bit messy when cutting, so if you like you can place in the fridge before slicing. I store these in the fridge for easy grabbing. In the photo I cooked these in a round pan, hence the triangle slices!

Making Curtido - Yes you can ferment!!!

Once you begin fermenting it becomes addictive, you’ll want to try a bit of everything. Last year I decided to try making pupusas, and it was a horrible failure (I will try again) but the bonus was that we discovered curtido. Now I make a huge batch of curtido in the late summer and we eat it all year long.

I just took the final bite of last year’s curtido. Delicious. We eat curtido with tacos, on enchilada pie, as a side to scrambled eggs, mixed in fried rice…so many options. The best part is it is wonderful for your gut, it is a healing living food.

Don’t be discouraged if your first attempt at ferments went bad. A couple things to watch for. First everything must be under the brine, the weight or spring helps this. You need a cool dark spot, right now in summer cool isn’t happening but do your best! If you don’t have a special fermentation lid (though I highly recommend you invest in one) you can ‘burp’ the ferment each day by just loosening the lid and letting a bit of air out. Check your ferments, you can’t ignore them, they like to be pampered. I tend to twist them a bit each day and get the bubbles moving around, make sure the fruit flies are staying away and just keep an eye on them.

For each head of cabbage you’ll need 1 of sea salt, 3 grated carrots, 1 thinly sliced onion, 2-4 hot peppers sliced thin (wear gloves) and a tsp or two of Mexican oregano. You can watch the video for how to make the curtido, it is so simple.

Any questions let me know!

No recipe, No cooking, No Canning - Fermented Salsa

When the harvests start rolling in faster than we can weigh anything or sort it out, it is time to ferment as much as possible. My kid says he waits every year until the table is filled with tomatoes to the point where we no longer use it. Well I just used about 12 pounds of tomatoes and the table is still covered.

Fermenting has been a bit life changing for me, and this is no exaggeration, food changes our lives. Foods that are fermented have probiotics that help to heal our guts and feed us good bacteria. A happy gut is a happy brain. If you are new to ferments go slow when eating them, start with a teaspoon a day and then work up to about 1/2 cup. My current rotation is radish/turnip, kholrabi, kimchi, garlic scapes and soon this salsa.

I eat ferments with everything: eggs, on tacos, along side roasted meats, on sandwiches, with hummus and crackers and sometimes just as a quick snack with a hard boiled egg or some slices of meat.

Most of my ferments take about 2 weeks or so, this salsa is fast, in about 5 days I usually am ready to put it in the fridge. You will want to taste it, once you hit that perfect ‘sour’ note it is ready. If you aren’t sure, wait a couple more days. In the summer ferments go faster.

There is no recipe here, I just assume that I will use 2 TB of salt per half gallon jar. So if you are using a quart for a smaller batch go with 1 TB. You can always adjust but I have made this too salty before and that was tough to recover from. The salt combined with the raw food is where the magic happens so don’t skimp on the salt either. Remember you’ll be eating small amounts of this at a time.

For this batch in the video to make one gallon total I used roughly:

15-16 cups tomatoes chopped small

3 cups diced onion

3 cups diced pepper

4-6 minced garlic cloves

2-4 spicy peppers, aho or jalapeño

1 cup chopped cilantro (I didn’t have any but I usually add it in)

1 tsp cumin and coriander

4 TB pink salt

If yo don’t like onion, add more pepper. If you like things spicy add more spicy peppers. If you have a cilantro LOVE like me add more. If you think it tastes like soap, don’t use it. The seasonings are optional, ferments have so much flavor on their own.

You combine everything in a big bowl, then using a funnel fill the jars, pressing down now and then to fit more in. This made exactly 2 half gallon jars. I use a glass weight and a fermentation lid. Set the jars on a plate or bowl, mark them with the date and let sit for 3 days. Check on the third day, and continue checking daily until the ferment is as you like it. If you use a regular lid you will want to burb it each day, meaning let a bit of air out then close the lid again.

If you try this stop by and let me know how you like it. As always, thanks for being here, I appreciate you, H

Kimchi Day | The best kimchi

I wait for this day in what seems an endless sea of firsts. The first green onions, the first daikons, the first carrots, the first cabbages and the first garlic (next year the first ginger!). When all ingredients have been gathered the biggest bowl comes out and the sprinkles of salt go on crisp cabbage leaves filling it.

I love kimchi. I eat it mostly with fried rice but also on tacos and with scrambled eggs, but really it is all about the fried rice. There is nothing like adding a few scoops of kimchi into your fried rice to lift the flavors and add some heat.

This recipe is very simple, you can change it up as you like, more onion, leave out the carrot, use what you have. You can check the ferment after about a week and then each day after. It is ready when you love it!

THE BEST KIMCHI

4-5 pounds nappa cabbage, sliced into chunks

1/4 cup salt

In a large bowl cover the cabbage with salt and using your hands massage it in. This will take a while. You can go back to it every 20 minutes or so, it will start to wilt down. Leave the salt on for at least 2 hours. Rinse the cabbage really well, a couple of times then squeeze excess water out.

2 carrots, sliced thin (matchsticks)

4-5 green onions, chopped into 2 inch pieces

2 cups daikon radish, sliced thin (matchsticks)

Paste

1/4-1/2 cup gochugaru flakes

10 garlic cloves, chopped

4-5 inch piece ginger, chopped

1 tsp sugar

1/4 cup water (you may need more)

Add to blender or food processor and make a paste.

Add carrots, daikon and green onion to cabbage bowl. Add paste and mix well.

Fill mason jars until 1 inch of space at top, press down on cabbage as you go. Put your fermenting spring in and seal with fermenting lid. Or use a weight and cover with a cloth and rubber band.

ENJOY!

Dairy Free Ranch Seasoning for a Year

This recipe makes 32 servings so share away with friends. It would make a wonderful gift in a cute little jar with the recipe attached.

3 cups dried parsley

1 cup dried chives

1 cup dried dill

1 cup onion powder

1 cup garlic powder

1/4 cup pink salt

1/4 cup pepper

Mix well and store in jar, before using shake or mix again to distribute it evenly.


To make dressing use 1 cup of a good mayo, 2-4 Tb lemon juice and 2 Tb water to thin if needed. You can also add 1 tsp of honey if you like. Blend or whisk. Let sit for about an hour before serving.


Garlic Scape Pesto

I have a long list of my favorite garden fresh foods and the foods that I like to preserve as the harvests roll in. Some of our harvests come all at once, including the delicious garlic scape. Once I’ve collected them all I will preserve them in two ways. First, chopped and frozen and second as a pesto, also frozen.

Feel free to change up the ingredients and swap things out. Hemp seeds, sunflower seeds or walnuts work great.

Garlic Scape Pesto

1 cup chopped scapes

1/2-3/4 cup olive oil (more or less as needed)

1/4 -1/2 cup soaked nuts or seeds

splash of lemon juice

salt and pepper

To make this I just put everything in the blender and often start with less oil and add as needed. This pesto does not require garlic because it is garlic! You could add other leafy herbs, parm cheese, whatever you like.

In Three Years

The second year of a garden is like the eve, it is the eve of the third year of a garden. If you have ever bought a perennial plant from a nursery and popped it in the ground, the first year it kind of stays the same, puts on a bit of new growth. The second year it becomes a bit larger, fuller. But the third year, the third year is when the drama begins, the magic flows through. The plant is now full, strong, growing beyond what you thought possible.

When you put a fruit tree in the ground you will wait about three years for your fruit rewards. Three years after putting your first raspberry canes in the ground you will have a raspberry forest. Three years after planting asparagus and rhubarb you can have your first harvest. Three is the magic number and it is the same for a vegetable garden. Three years of planting and tending the soil will create a wonderland of beneficial insects, rich loose soil and pollinators swarming your flowers.

This is not our forever home but we are planting an orchard, sinking asparagus and strawberry crowns into the earth and planting for the future. I try to imagine the family who will own this home after us. They will see the clover in the yard and know that we do not use chemicals on our lawns. They will wander through the yard and see the peach, cherry, plum, pear and apple trees under planted with gorgeous perennial flowers. They will understand that part of what we created was for them.

I try to think that our next home, our hopefully forever home, is being tended right now by a family who knows we are coming someday too. It is a peaceful thought. I make it a point every day to live in each moment while still holding our dream, the one we are moving towards. Having a partner who is a dream weaver is a magical thing. He and I can dream together into the future while living our dream life together now. This second half of life that we are blessed to do together holds such possibility and joy.

I've felt a bit lost, not in a depressive way, just in that way you do when you don't 'fit' in your old clothes any more. Chloe and I were in a thrift store the other day and looked down at what I was wearing and I said, "I've lost my style." There was a disconnect happening for me so I decided that for each day of the following week I would wear one of my sundresses. I gardened in them, I filled wheelbarrows of mulch and moved them to new beds. I got sweaty and dirty and I felt so much more like myself.

My junior in high school reminded me that he was a freshman when the pandemic hit. Three years later, here we are. Three years later I imagine we are all looking to grow and expand and find ourselves again. I hope that we are all digging our roots down just a bit deeper to feel safe and present. I hope we are dreaming and living into each moment. I hope we are looking up more and more from our phones and connecting to what is right in front of us. I hope we are less focused on what we do or produce and more interested in how we feel, in our creations of beauty and magic, of the simple things that anchor us and tend us.

I imagine these next three years. My daughter will have graduated college and my son will have graduated high school. My fruit trees will be giving us gifts and I will be 50. In three years I think how much I can learn, how deeply I can connect to the earth, to my home, to myself. Each year in my relationship with Dave it becomes more solid and nourishing and true, I imagine the ease and the love three more years will give to us.

Then three years after that all our kids will have graduated high school and we will be on the next adventure of our lives, living into the stories and feeling the freedom of time. I wonder if our dreams will remain the same or how they might change. I wonder who we will be then, what my roses will look like and how many strawberries we will harvest.

In three years, a garden you begin today will be a flourishing magical place of peace and abundance. In three years who will we be? I can't wait to see.

Sending love to all of you,

H

We heal our hearts.

It can feel heartbreaking to feel lost and unsure. We can be thrown into an archetypal season of winter whenever we are experiencing deep loss, change, letting go, grief, illness and I believe, when we are lost and searching.

I have been in a winter since September, grief combined with challenging the way I had always gone about bringing my work to the world. During this time I've had many many days in hospitals with sick kids which seems to instantly beg a new perspective.

As I have spent the last couple of months writing about the season of winter in its physical, metaphorical and archetypal states (for Sacred Roots) there have been days when just thinking of something clever to write feels impossible. I am grateful that I've managed to see the gift, the lesson and turn that into something we can use to explore in circle.

I am beyond grateful to those who have supported me, including financially, by being part of the circle while I am digging up all that was so I can bloom this work into something new. Being in my own winter, during winter, has meant that the ideas that so regularly flow through me just aren't there. I've rested more than ever before. I often think this SACRED ROOTS circle was handed to me as a guide that I needed, connection that feels sweet and patient.

I have been honest with my circle that I have not been making ends meet financially, my Patreon idea (running the circle through Patreon) seems to have been somewhat of a bust financially (I LOVE it despite that) and so I have to lean into deep trust that I will emerge from this time of winter soon and that my past self will have done what was needed to bring me to where I will be. I am working on things that are not bringing in money in the present, like starting a YouTube channel and spending my days learning, soaking up new skills and ideas.

It has been hard to see a circle 'fail' in monetary terms. If you can't pay your bills, should you keep going? If people are leaving, is that a good indicator what you are doing isn't working? I am not money motivated and I think that my former motivations have been hurts healed and now my motivations are on the opposite end of the hustle spectrum.

We don't really talk about these things, it isn't typical for someone to admit to not making enough money to pay their bills. I am also blessed to be able to ask the kids' father for a small amount of help, something that I didn't need for years after my divorce. I was too proud back then and I hustled hard, having long days with the kids away, filling them with work.

Now the kids are living with Dave and I full time, I am a softer person and my pursuits are shifting. Dave provides so much for us and he has also shifted his career and together we are making a lot less money, smarter choices, cutting down expenses and trying to live more sustainably and pay every kindness forward. Teenage years are a bit heart wrenching and all of them are inside of the journey.

I think about myself just 10 years ago, I was filled with hustle and every single idea became a program, a retreat, a gathering. When I met Dave I was running three programs at the same time. I would wake up at 5am to work, then finish up around 9pm. Working for yourself seemed to require this, something that I am no longer able to give as age and time are softening me. Dave was working a job that drained every ounce of him, he was angry and exhausted. Seeing him now, I never want him to go back to living that way. It is hard for me to see him uncomfortable, but I know it is what is growing him.

I made a video for my Sacred Roots circle and told them how I was feeling, how hard it was to see people leaving the circle (I lost 20 people in two months, something that has never happened before). I added back in a Facebook group because I wanted to make sure that people had ways of feeling connected that Patreon didn't support (like posting their own photos). Everyone was so generous and kind in my falling apart moment. I wanted to tell the truth that I wasn't sure what to do, how to move forward and the women who are in circle received it with grace and love.

I've seen people who are launching a new service or product overcompensate when things aren't going well. They might push, threaten that spots are almost gone, this won't ever come back again, you are missing out, wonderful things are taking place without you. I can almost feel the scarcity oozing from it. I know someone who was told they were doing their launch wrong, the only way that it would succeed was to do xyz. Push, push, push.

I would always rather hear the truth. Sometimes it doesn't work. Isn't it just as important to see inspiration photos of how we want our homes to look and feel as it is someone's bed unmade and dishes in the sink? We need to feel connected, like we aren't alone. Do we need to lie to convince others to give us their money and support? That way of marketing and selling threatens to wash away the beauty of creation. And can't it be OK to say, this is really hard right now, but I'm not going anywhere, I just need to rest first.

I need to winter.

I began this business thirteen years ago because I wanted to tell the truth of how hard it was to be a mom to young kids, to feel like I had lost myself in my marriage and the ache of knowing something more was out there for me. I got divorced because to live in that truth, I had to. My sobriety was led by needing to feel integrity and trust in my own self. Today I had a hard vulnerable conversation with Dave and he received it with love and compassion.

Maybe that's why I'm writing now, the momentum of knowing that our truth can be held in safety. Not airing our dirty laundry or saying things to hurt someone else, but the truth of our hearts, our souls, the stuff that reminds us we aren't alone.

And I'm still going to invite you into SACRED ROOTS | SPRING even though I just told you ALL OF THIS because, yes, it breaks your heart to feel lost and unsure, and I believe in the work, in the circle. I am going to move from truth into clarity and believe in it even more. I am the one who can heal my own heart.

I've had the feeling something else is growing from SACRED ROOTS, it may well be the book I've been dreaming of for over a decade, the one that could not have come to the surface until I was sober and living in truth. I used to romanticize how Hemingway wrote while drinking in bars and it took me a long time to believe that I could write without a glass of wine in my hands.

Now I am safe in that truth.

It can feel heartbreaking to feel lost and unsure. I can feel spring coming, I am ready to tip toe in the grass with my shoes off and look for the lesson the seasons are gifting us with. There is a book written from the leaves, the dirt, the glow of the sunrise and the sound of the spring peepers. It tells us to dig into our sacred roots, to plant down deep and strong and it promises that in our own time we will feel spring deep in our soul.

Nature doesn't wait for the date on a calendar to change seasons, it is nuanced and rhythmic and patient. At 47, I feel that inside of me. My hustle is less and my measurement of success no longer about how much I am doing/making/creating. There are threads to follow and simple pleasures and delights of shape shifting a career over a decade old, while allowing my heart to surrender, pray, heal.

When you first start a business you create your Avatar, you get specific and clear on who that person is, what their dreams are, what their deepest fears are, what they are searching for, where the biggest pull in their life is.

I've been working on this avatar for the Sweet Fern Homestead channel and it is taking me longer than ever before. She is coming into vision now, slowly taking shape. I can feel her sitting with me and a cup of tea at my kitchen island as I talk to the camera.

I wonder about you, on the other side of this letter. What are your dreams? What are your deepest fears? What are you searching for? What do you feel pulled to, called towards? What moment of the day brings you most peace?

I would love to know. I would love to sink into your answers. Because while some of you have been on the other side for years, you too have grown and are not the same as when you first found your way here. New names arrive and I find myself wondering who you are, what dream seeds you are planting.

I am going to keep going, we are going to keep going. Let's give ourselves the grace to be who we are now, the kindness of listening to our souls and the space and support to dig our Sacred Roots down deep and slow. We are healing our hearts.

How to use your CAST IRON PANS 🍳 Cleaning, Cooking and Seasoning Maintenance

There is nothing more frustrating than cooking up some scrambled eggs and having a film of yuck covering the pan. You can avoid this, I promise. I have a simple way of keeping the pan functioning as non-stick.

If your pan is stripped and needs to be re-seasoned down to the metal, rub it with oil, place it in the oven 350 for about 20 or 30 minutes and you’ll be able to begin again with the pan.

I rub my pans with oil then heat on the burner every third time I use it or so, depending on how it looks after. This keeps my pans working really well for me.

Tell me how you care for your pans? Do you love your cast iron as much as I do?

March Winter Garden Tour | Zone 6a | What do things look like now?

Last season I had planned to do monthly garden tours. But life got real and between learning how to video without making people seasick and learning video editing and a pick up of demands with the kids, I just didn’t follow through.

This year I am all in. I think I’ve figured out how not to move the camera so fast, how to control the sound better and while I still don’t have a camera and am using my phone, I’m starting to get the hang of the process.

Thank you to everyone who is supporting this adventure, learning this new skill is no joke! Please consider subscribing to the channel to stay in touch.

🌿Starting SEEDS 10 weeks out from last frost date🌿🌿ZONE 6 GARDENING 🌿What I am planting NOW

I thought I would make a video each week showing what I’m starting inside. I’m holding out a lot of hope that my winter sowing project yields great results, but many things are being started inside too. What zone are you in and what are you growing 10 weeks out from your last frost date?

Pudding Time!

Is this what Monty Don is talking about when he says he must have his currant puddings? I need to google it. Either way, I had never made bread pudding and it blew my mind. I already have so many ideas for making this more filled with fruit and less sugar, but I’m not complaining about this sweet treat.

I hope you enjoy watching me create a gluten free dairy free recipe, they don’t always work out, this one was a hit!

Cranberry Walnut Bread Pudding

1 3/4 cup of combo of milk/cream (I use almond milk and coconut milk creamer)

3 eggs

1/2 cup maple syrup

1/2 cup coconut sugar

1/4 cup fermented cranberries (you could use soaked dried cranberries)

1/4 cup walnuts soaked in water or orange juice for about 6 hours, drained

1 tsp cinnamon

1/4 tsp nutmeg

dash salt

Mix all of these together in a big bowl.

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12 ounces (about 6 -7cups) of stale bread, cubed (I let mine sit out overnight)

1/4 cup melted coconut oil or butter

To the bread add 1/4 melted coconut oil or butter.

…….

Pour egg and milk mixture over the bread, let sit for 20 minutes. Transfer to a cast iron pan, bake uncovered 350 degree oven for about 50 minutes, check at 40 minutes. Remove, allow to cool.

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To make a sauce for the top I used 1/4 coconut creamer, 1/2 cup coconut sugar and 1/4 coconut oil. I also added some of the fermented cranberry honey sauce. Whisk together at a boil for about 3 minutes, take off heat and allow to thicken. Pour over warm bread pudding and let set, you may need to encourage it to sink down into the pudding. A nice citrus sauce would be good here too.

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Serve warm with the nicest mug of coffee you can find.

What we eat in a day

I spent a quiet Sunday taking a few videos of what we ate that day along with things I prepared, like the infused honey, and also prepped for the next day.

Some days the meal flow just works and you feel like you got it right. This was one of those days.

The BBQ sauce was incredible, take some jam and tomatoes and add spices and you can make this too.

I hope you enjoy the video, if you would like to see more hit the SUBSCRIBE button on YouTube, give it a thumbs up (this lets YouTube know you think it was worth seeing).

Thanks for being here, x

Be a Squirrel || The BEST LENTIL STEW

The other day I had a food memory sweep over me. A beautiful lentil stew I used to make with barley and lentils and grated swiss cheese over the top. I stopped making it because it HURT my belly, immensely.

So I went in and remade it with sprouted lentils and sprouted brown rice. It came out better than I remembered, we devoured it. This is a perfect stew/soup to transition these last days of winter.

Sprouted Lentil and Brown Rice Stew

1 cup lentils sprouted

1 cup brown rice sprouted

1 large onion, chopped

5-6 carrots, diced

5-6 celery stalks, diced

4 garlic cloves, chopped fine

6 cups whole tomatoes and juices

8 cups broth

1 small can tomato paste or 4-5 Tb

1-2 TB coconut aminos (depending on taste, I like to use some in addition to salt)

salt/pepper to taste

fresh lemon

grated cheese like Swiss or cheddar, we use raw goat cheddar

Saute veggies in oil until soft, dump everything else in, bring to a boil, reduce to simmer, cover. Cook gently for an hour or so until the rice and lentils are cooked and the liquid absorbed.

Serve with some more pepper, squeeze of lemon and lots of cheese.