An Uncurated Circle :: A year of becoming through unorganized iterating and being seen.
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The last three years I found myself inside of a deep bubble of grief. Letting go of a marriage, homes, a family unit, old beliefs, relationships, iterations that could no longer be.
The unbecoming was fierce. I didn't want to be seen. And in that fear of being seen, terrified of iterating as I had never felt before. My choices were not intuitive. My choices felt often harmful. My choices confused. Be less seen. Fight the becoming.
I didn't want to be a divorced mother of three, that was not an iteration I had been dreaming of. But it was a choice. A choice for change. I had no idea how to be inside of it.
I was so scared. I put my head down, made money, healed my mothering self, but everything else felt like it was shrinking.
I lost touch with me, friends, ideas, passions; I kept my head down, just don't let them really see you.
I fell in love with a man. A divorced father of two. We fell into pain together. Into an unbecoming that was fierce and filled with shadows and intensity and passion and confusion.
We had no idea who we were becoming, our disconnect deep. Often one of us would say, "This isn't me." And yet, there we were. Unbecoming. Together.
Many months ago when the pain was so intense I could no longer numb it or fight it, I paused. Literally, I paused everything and just sat in it. I felt really boring not trying to fix or figure out or question. Really boring.
I was confronting my painpoints. Being in them. Feeling them.
Then I was inside the place where choice begins, where the beginning of a new iteration is drawn forth.
Painpoints I have been inside of are immense. Feeling like I was too big, too much, beyond being loved, unhappy, unfulfilled, disconnected, anxious, alone, hurt, not smart, not safe, etc. Each one the way into change, the start of the next segment of me, the ugly beauty of iterative living.
There I was, post divorce, inside of a blended family, struggling to find peace in my new love, running my own business, missing parts of former iterations, still terrified of being seen in this new life.
I was exhausted. I just wanted kindness to wrap around me. I just wanted to feel kind.
And that is when I began.
First, by letting myself be seen in my boring-ness. If this is the iteration of boring, then let me own it.
Then, I moved into kindness. I need to feel more kindness.
Daily or weekly I would prompt myself with little challenges from what I would wear to how I was eating to the way I was communicating with my love and my kids to how I was making decisions.
All under the prompts of kindness. If the decision didn't fit kindness, I would find other options that did.
What had been a wildly intuitive ride of iterative living, feeling quite un-grounded over the years, now felt like a ritual of becoming. There was a template I was following, I had my iterative living profile and there was a calmness in the change. It wasn't spontaneous as much as it was, well, kind.
The highs and lows, the all or nothings, yielding into daily choices towards kindness. In one month of practice, my relationship with my love was transforming. My connection to my work felt deeper. I could see my body physically changing in the mirror.
I was eating more. I was speaking my truth more. I was choosing clothes that were more me inside of this kindness iteration. I was taking space in my own life with a gentleness of choice.
I was becoming again. I was being seen.
David Deida says that the feminine energy's purpose is to be seen while the masculine energy's purpose is life mission. This is why this feminine energy will unbecome then become then unbecome again.
Why we choose. Why we change.
I have been a vegan. For a week. A few times. Raw foodist too.
I had a grifter phase where I wore fake glasses and drank whiskey. (I was watching Leverage then.) I have a fork collection from bars.
My ex says that I started to think I was Lagertha in my Vikings obsessed time. Braids and feminine energy for days.
I spent months blowing my hair out into a Farah Fawcett look.
I used to work out twice a day in a gym and taught pre-natal exercise classes and led groups on how to eat for optimal health.
There was the year of running. Ouch.
The blue eyeshadow experiment.
The red lipstick on the school yard days.
Baby bangs. Enough said.
The dining room can often end up in the living room, the living room in the dining room.
I was a vegetarian activist protesting war in an army high school.
I was paleo drinking tequila and grapefruit as dessert.
I wore a scarf wrapped in my long hair every day for a year. Then I cut it all off. Grew it. Cut it off again.
A month before I met Dave I was planning to live in NYC part time, a few days before we met I was there looking at neighborhoods.
I loved and released one that I must have known in another time. Heart break and heart healing together.
I have had 4 other businesses than this one. I own a lot of real estate in urls.
In the last three years I've lived in 5 homes, 3 states.
I left a soul contract of 20 years. We iterated together through grief and the beauty of the joy we both have found.
I begin a yoga practice every month.
I start books. Finishing is something else.
If you want to know if I am outgoing or shy, I'll need to know what age you are asking about or where I lived at the time to remember what I was.
Some of these iterations were gentle, sitting on my living room couch iterations. Others called in judgement and ridicule.
How do we take on iterative living with the fear of how others will see us?
This is where we will go together, gently, safely, in individual rhythm.
For a year I will hold the container and invite you to step inside. To circle with women that will lift you, inspire you, challenge you, hold you. With women that will become part of your empowered wise council of spirit. I have circled with many of these women for years, their love runs deep.
For a year I will ask you to find faith in the magic of iterative living. Right where you are now, whatever you have believed about yourself, whatever you long for. Faith that you can become the most amazing version of the person and life you see in your dreams and are afraid might never become true.
For a year we will discover and unearth our tendencies, our love languages, our painpoints, our visions and our intuitions as we create iterative living profiles, collect the data of who we are and step slowly into the unorganized and surprising beauty of iterations. In circle. Together.
I've been watching this trend towards curating everything. Our closets. Our pantries. Our rituals. Our lovers. Our junk drawers. Our Instagrams.
I'm fascinated by the desire for simplicity. I'm fascinated by people who can create a capsule wardrobe. I'm fascinated by what we are searching for in the curating of all of it.
I am also drawn to uncurating. To the messiness. The unraveling. The unbecoming.
I am thrilled by creating a container for potential, magic, choice, change, shamelessness, compassion, connection, joy and watching it become something more amazing than I could ever curate.
An Uncurated Circle is for the Woman Who ::
- is deeply connected to her pain points.
- has met other's expectations for most of her life, and she is ready to feel herself in the safety of gentle choice and change.
feels alone and longs for something she has not yet articulated but feels in her gut.
- needs the support of a group to guide her dreams, prompts to take her to that next space of magic.
does what she wants, rides her own wave and loves the challenge of trying something new on.
- is being told by others that she needs to stop changing because it is making them upset, uncomfortable, challenged, embarrassed.
questions everything, is drawn towards change but needs to understand the why in her choices first.
- wants to feel the ground under her feet, the space in her body, the expansion of an awakening that is whispering to her.
is ready to be held in a magical community filled with devotion to Spirit, to love, to compassion, to each other.
- is scared and will not be stopped by her fear because she knows that this one life is hers.
May :: Energetic Opening of Circle/Iterative Profiles
June :: Kindness
July :: Shamelessness
August :: Integration/Live Coaching
September :: Trust
October :: Beauty
November :: Love
December :: Integration/Live Coaching
January :: Sensuality
February :: Pleasure
March :: Devotion
April :: Integration/Live Coaching/Energetic Completion
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In May we will explore our tendencies, our love languages, our painpoints, our guiding words, our archetypes, our dreams and our rituals as we create personal iterative living profiles that will shape the way each of us shows up in circle, shows up for the work, shows up for ourselves and shows up for our people.
With gentle prompts and live discussions, at the end of May you will have a map of the magic that is YOU. This map, this iterative living profile will become a celebration and understanding of what you need to support and guide you inside of your iterations.
We will cycle through months led by a guiding word. This word will hold the month's mantra, visioining, prompts and explorations. We will vision, play, read, have virtual hang outs, talk with each other, go inside, commune with Spirit.
Food as (kindness, shamelessness, trust...)
Spiritstyle as (beauty, love, sensuality...)
Ritual/Time as (pleasure, devotion, kindness...)
Relationships as (shamelessness, trust, beauty...)
Feminine energy as (love, sensuality, pleasure...)
Home as (devotion, kindness, shamelessness...)
Manifesting as (trust, beauty, love...)
I will prompt you weekly through an email. The magic will happen in the spaces between. In the unexpected moments, the unorganized way that iterations arrive despite the most curated plans and intentions. I will pop in with little prompts or recipes or questions throughout the weeks.
I can't plan for the magic that comes from the Circle. I can trust it. I can shape shift it. I have learned how I best teach and hold space through my iterative living profile, and I finally trust it.
Being in circle with the women who will be drawn together, in this way, is like finding a Home for the most tender parts that have felt alone and secret. This will never be curated, the circle is its own iterative pulse filled with safety, bravery and vulnerability.
Iterative living takes my breath away, in that I am enamored with you way.
Integration months will have no formal prompts, they will be about the practice and understanding of iterative living... Who are you now?
This is when we will get more intimate with our painpoints and our truths. We will gather virtually through group Lift Up sessions, times where you will be seen and held and supported. Or you can choose to watch, observe, support. At the start of the month we will say to each other, "I can't wait to see who you are now."
And then we will discover.
For 12 months in circle ::
- Weekly prompts, with written word, spoken word and video
- 3 integration months (I have learned that the rest is when the change can take hold)
- Monthly, perhaps for you weekly, visioning
- Zoom virtual calls with Q&A and exploration of each week's prompt
- Facebook Lives where I will expand on prompts in real time with you
- A Circle of women who will be inside of iterative living with you, supporting you, seeing you
- A copy of Chloe's (my 15 year old) original art print created just for our circle (pictured above)
Join the circle for $89 a month for 12 months
50 minute coaching lift up session, any time add on $90
These sessions are held on Facebook Lives in our private group, you can use these times for anything you need. Your heart, your business, your callings, your longings, your dreams, your grief, your shadows, your joys. Wherever you need support is where we will land.
You will be held Lift Up style as the women circle around you and the love flows as magical hearts floating up around you. The coaching happens between you and I with the Lifting Up from the other women through comments on the live and my favorite, the little hearts that flow up and over you as you go deeper into your magic. Another way the support of a circle is magic.
Box of Treasures, Any time add on $100.00
Whenever you desire I will take your current iteration and go thrifting for her and create a box of special items, clothes, accessories, treasures. Just for you, any time, available for $100. We'll work together to look at who you are now, or who you are visioning to become and then I'll go forage for you.
I remember the day I showed up to meet my kids on the school yard with red lipstick and a pencil skirt and heels. I was more nervous than I could have imagined. I knew the kids would feel discomfort, perhaps even embarrassment at my bright red lips. I knew people would see me.
The red lipstick iteration was about being seen. I no longer had a baby in a sling to hide behind. I had no idea who I was without a baby. I had no idea who I was, but damn it all if I wasn't going to find out.
The ones we are iterating in front of must confront their discomfort in us changing. They learn the modeling of choice and change and bravery.
What often keeps us stuck isn't ourselves or our own dreams, it is the expectations of others, the fears of others. The women I've spent 9 years working with come up against the fear of those they love, and the paralyzing shame sets in.
How do we iterate inside of shame, fear and expectations of others?
This is where we will go together, gently, safely, in individual rhythm.
Our human being-ness is a practice of choice and change in circular repetition. Iterative living is choice and change on a high-vibration, possibility-seeking, discomfort-guided journey.
Choice and change are uncomfortable until they aren't.
Let's unbecome, then become, together.
Witnessed. Held. Lifted. Adored. Safe.
The devotional of a circle of women.
An Uncurated Circle. A year together. Into our next iterations.
Original drawing by Chloe Rane Marcotti 2018