Mother. Business Woman. Lover.
Chloe was born 5 days before I turned 29. All I wanted was to be home with her. To love her. To nurse her. To become a mother as she snuggled into my body. She had what was called, 'colic' and my life flip-flopped.
The image I had of being a mother was lost and I became lost along with it. I had gained 65 pounds during the pregnancy and lost it all as I tumbled with postpartum and my own version of colic. I would learn to function with no sleep. And learn to capture tiny moments of happiness inside of hours of crying.
And I loved that little being. She was my joy bubble. The crying lasted for months. I used to think once she could talk her little body would finally settle into itself. Which it did. And now as a teenager I still can look at her and hear her first babbles of words that would calm her small body.
Eli came next with the birth story of his father putting his foot on the break of the car and catching him with one hand just as the car came to a stop. He lives on the edge as his birth story foretold. He is a mini version of me. He is my light and mirror.
We spent the first couple of years close and connected, he in the sling, me becoming more of the mother I longed to be.
PTSD after a car birth led me into another spiral as I now was mother to two. A mother wondering and seeking and healing. Eventually yielding to zoloft to lift me up from the cycle of anxiety and ocd, a surprise spirit came forth.
Lucas. The one that would heal my wounds around love. The one that came as pure spirit of love. Unattached. Free flowing. Highly highly sensitive. This child would lead me to the path I had been walking towards my entire life, and now could start to feel before me.
In 2008 I would step into my next iteration as I enrolled in school to become a Health Coach. This would take me into my dharma, into the work that I know is why I am here. To be mother. To be business woman. To be lover.
I loved the food part of school but the pieces of learning that lit me up were coaching and marketing. This is where I came to life. I had been coaching and circling girls and women since I was a child. I had learned to 'sell my own brand' as an actor for years and was always deeply aware that the stage that I would finally stand on would be one where I was all of me, not playing a part.
Becoming business woman was for me a transformation into storyteller-alchemist-servant-priestess. This iteration of self is crazy amazing and filled with fears that take me deep into shadow work as I am new, again and again.
Marketing is an invitation to create magic, to bring our offerings and gifts and create deep soul connections that raise the vibration of those we touch. I adore marketing because it is reaching down inside of our spirits to find the words and dreams and images and belly to belly truths that lift us up.
In 2014, I knew that my soul-contract of marriage was over and I moved into my Loft as mother and business woman to rebirth my life. This was the hardest knowing I had ever come to, living the question for so long. Then finally inside the reality of being with myself, with my children, with a newness that would crack me open over and over.
And then one unassuming day in April 2015, I became lover. We teach what we need to learn. Every word I had written for the past year was for my future self as she learned to surrender her love addiction and be completely incomplete with the man who came for coffee one day and within two hours became her person.
Inward Manifestor. Magic Maker. Seeker.
I tried to tell him all the stories of how I found him. The puzzle pieces that all connected and wove the words that now want to fall out of me.
He would get frustrated when I would say, but that's another story for later.
My fear was that if I explained to him how I had manifested him from a canoe, his gray hair, my man jar, the moth, his name and down to the month we would meet that he might have trouble holding all of me.
I don't always believe, but I feel. I joke that I feel all the feelings and then some that haven't been named yet. Feeling is how we shape-shift our life. How we manifest. I am an inward manifestor. I dream into the future.
The first time I visited the Magic Lake House we only had a few overnight hours. It was April and there was no running water. The only heat the wood stove which I now have learned to light.
We made love for hours in front of the fire and slept until the early hours of the morning. Before we left we walked out onto the deck, the deck that would become home for me, and we stood looking at the lake, falling in love with every breath we took.
He talked about the kayaks and his boat and then mentioned his canoe.
"You have a canoe?"
"Yes, right down there."
"Is it red?"
"Of course it is."
I am a magic maker. A seeker.
"There are magic fish in this lake."
"Magic fish? Did you really just say that? Why are they magic?"
"Because all you have to do is stand in the water and they come up from everywhere and kiss your ankles. They are our magic fish."
"Do you know I teach magic?"
This last year I have struggled to find the balance of wanting to give every bit of my soul and nurture to him and our children (I crave taking care of them) while still maintaining two businesses. One business that was iterating beyond my ability to catch it and the other that is growing so slowly and beautifully, I am catching my breath in awe of what it is becoming as we almost seem to be watching and listening to what it wants from us.
There are clear downloads of how I am shape-shifting into new areas. Money. Sexuality. The ending and rebirth of relationship. The most intense love affair. A growing family. My passion for self led businesses of the heart.
_____________. ________________. ____________.
I leave the spaces blank for all I am becoming. The feelings are there, the words will find their way through my prayer, my work, my loving.
I am a woman who holds the space for you to find your feelings and merge your iterations.
I am a woman who wants you to know your sensuality like it is the back of your hand.
I am a woman who will guide you towards walking with your dharma.
I am a woman who makes magic. Who loves. Who has faith in words, kisses, change and truth.
And so it is.
Again. And still.